A League of Villains

“Hello my friends! Welcome back to my home. Today we should talk about keeping those pesky heroes off our backs.” I said, folding my hands in front of my seriously.

“Couldn’t we just kill them?” Voldemort asked impatiently. I shook my head.

“No, we want our people to like us.” I said. “Rabia, do you have any ideas?” I looked to my
right. To my surprise, the girl had fallen asleep. “Rabia. Rabia.” Shadow poked her arm.

“Ah! What? What are we talking about?!” she asked, jumping. I shook my head.

“Do you have any ideas on how to take care of the heroes?” I asked. She thought about it for a moment.

“Turn everyone against them, then lock them away in a dungeon and torture them FOREVERRRR.” she said, rubbing her eyes tiredly.

“That would work.” I wrote it her idea down on another piece of paper.

“...Can I go back to sleep now?” I set down my pen and gave her a look.

“Seriously? We’ve been here for like five minutes and you’re already asking to sleep?!” I sighed. “Well... any other suggestions?”

“Oh oh, can we put those shocking dog collar things on them? Then we can zap them whenever we want!” Shadow said cheerfully. “I can see it now... Link complains about how hot it is and then ZAP! Hehehe...” He trailed off, rubbing his hands together maniacally.

“Hmmm, zapping them with collars... That could work, that could work...” I said, writing this down as well. “Should there also be an electric fence?”

“Yes, and barbed wire to make the facility look more menacing,” Vader added.

“Barbed wire, that’s good,” I said. “Anything else?”

“Oh! Ooooh oh oh! Can we have some evil looking search/hunting dogs around the place?
So if they leave we can hunt them down, literally?” Rabia asked. I nodded.

“That sounds brilliant.”

“Oh, and fire breathing dragons should guard the dungeons too,” Bowser added.

“Ooooh, dragons! Very creative Bowser! I like that one!” I said, writing this one down with a grin.

“Oh, and make sure the Wifi has a crazy password that could never be guessed or hacked into!”

“Now THAT is evil! I love it!” I continued writing these down with haste. “Any other wonderful ideas?!”

“... I have a request!” Rabia said, raising her hand.

“What?”

“Can I torture them? Evilly? For weeks straight? Without end? Please? PRETTY PRETTY PLEASE?” she asked. I thought about this for a moment.

“Of course you can! As long as you don’t kill them.” I wrote that down as well as she laughed evilly. “Any more ideas?”

“How about they can’t HAVE VISITOOOOORS!?” Murtagh said. There was an awkward silence as everyone stared at him. “...What?” Galbatorix shook his head slowly.

“Why is my minion so stupid?” he asked himself. I sighed.

“Well.... Murtagh, OBVIOUSLY they can’t have visitors... But nice effort,” I said. “Anything else? Oh, wait, I think I have a good one... They can only eat TWO MEALS A DAY! Oooooh...” I said eerily. There was a silence. After a moment I shook my head and scribbled my idea out. “You’re right, that’s too nice...”

“How about one meal a day and a snack?!” Scar suggested.

“How about three meals a WEEK?!” Rabia said.

“Or even better, they have to find their own food from the scraps we throw on the ground!”
“THEY MUST DANCE FOR THEIR FOOD!” Rabia cheered. Everyone nodded in agreement.
“Dancing for food once they are at a point beyond exhaustion from the hard physical labor we shall subject them to?! Oh this is just pure gold...” I wrote this down quickly, and underlined it three times.

“Muahahaha! This is so evil!” Lord Voldemort said, rubbing his hands happily. Bellatrix grinned.

“So wait... basically we’re making another Holocaust for heroes?” Rabia said, looking at me with an eyebrow raised. “... Sounds good to me! Can we make Link suffer the most? He’s really fucking annoying...” Most of the villains nodded in agreement.

“Oh yeah, you bet. He has to suffer the most,” I said, writing this down in huge letters. “Then it’s Harry -- he’s hopelessly stupid.”

“What if they STILL manage to find a way out?” Zuko said, finally adding input into this meeting... or any meeting, for that matter. (Shhh, he’s still a villain...)

“Hmm... Sounds like something the heroes would magically find a way to do... We’ll turn the general public against them,” I said. “We’ll hold rallies where we make up a whole bunch of lies about them and make them look even worse than we do!”

“Oooh, genius!” Robotnik said. Everyone agreed -- mostly everyone -- and I wrote this down too.

“But... how are we going to get all the heroes into the dungeon?” Rabia asked, confused.
“Well, my friend, we’re just going to have to capture them all! NYEAAAHAHAHAHA!” I said, laughing.

“Another question... we’re only getting Link, not all the Links from four swords, right? I don’t think I could handle that many Links...” Shadow jumped up from his seat.

“We are ONLY taking Link -- as in the Link who wears GREEN. And that’s final! Just saying...” He sat back down in his seat and everyone gave him a weird look.

“I say just capture all of them -- they’ll just try to save their friend sooner or later,” Vader said.
“What if we just put the Four Sword back in its pedestal so they fuse back into Link?” I suggested.

“NOOOOOOO! You can’t do that! Then I’ll be sealed back up for another nine hundred years!” Vaati cried.

“Oh shut up you idiot, your Minish Cap Vaati,” Ganondorf said. “That wouldn’t seal you away.” Vaati slumped down in his seat.

“Oh... right.... I forgot about that...”

“So will we just fuse them back together?” I asked.

“But Vio is my friend!” Shadow cried. I sighed.

“Shadow, Shadow, Shadow... You have other friends, don’t you?” I said. He glared at me.
“Yeah, like THREE.” I shrugged.

“Oh well, make some new ones. We’re going to fuse them back together. Who knows where the Four Sword is?”

“Gee, maybe the Four Sword SANCTUARY?” Ganondorf said.

“Oh yeah... Duh...”

“Wait! I don’t want Shadow to be lonely! Let’s just capture them all separately!” Rabia said.
“Either way they suffer, so it’s fine by me,” I said, writing this down.

“Why would you torture Vio?! He’s so--” Shadow started, but stopped himself and breathed. “You know what, fine... Torture him, see if I care...” He looked away angrily. I shrugged.
“Okay, sounds good. Now, anything else?”

“I’ll go easy on Vio.” Rabia whispered to Shadow. “Um, how about someone gets the dogs and the dragons so we can hurry up and capture our heroes?” she suggested out loud to everyone. Sephiroth stood up.

“I’ll go get the dogs and dragons.” he said, walking out of the room. I nodded at him in thanks.

“Alright, shall we get started capturing our heroes?” I asked, also standing. Everyone stood and walked towards the exit. “Now, everyone who wants to capture Link, follow me. Everyone else, go catch the heroes you want to catch. We’ll meet back here in about four hours. Is that fair enough?” With that, we all left to catch the heroes. Majora, Rabia, Ganondorf, Shadow, Vaati, Ghirahim and Demise all joined me in the quest to find and capture Link.

“Where shall we start?” I asked. Ganondorf rolled his eyes.

“I don’t know... maybe his HOUSE?” Ganondorf said.

“But his house burned down.” I pointed out. Ganondorf glared at me. “Okay! Okay we’ll go to Marth’s house.”

“...Where does Marth live again?” I asked.

“Well, first of all it would help to leave the Underworld,” Shadow said.

“Hmm, yeah, that could help...” I said. “Well, Shadow -- take us to the world of the living!” He then enveloped us in a dark shadow and we materialized in the shade of some trees in the woods. “Okay! Now... where are we?” I asked, looking around in my ghostly form.

“We’re in the woods near his castle, duh” he said.

“Well, where’s the castle then?” I said. He pointed to the giant tower about three feet from us.
“Gee, I wonder Zant,” he said sarcastically. I gave him a dirty look.

“Well, what are you waiting for then? Take us inside!”

“What do I look like, your slave?! Why don’t you guys just climb up the wall and jump inside?” he said. It was then that I remembered I was a spirit.

“Aha! This is true! Ganondorf, Rabia, Majora, Vaati, Demise and Debbie... Your lives only hinder you,” I said with a grin as I floated up to the window and entered the tower. “I’ll be waiting!” Rabia shrugged and walked up to the front gate. Shadow and Vaati also got inside as easily as Zant due to Shadow’s shadowy power. Ganondorf, Majora, Demise and Debbie followed Rabia up to the gate awkwardly. The guards outside just stared at the odd group of people.

“State your business.” the one on the right said.

“I’ve come to see Link.” Rabia said, staring up at the guards with puppy dog eyes. The guards looked at one another, then back at the group of villains.

“Sorry,” the other guard said. “No one by the name of ‘Link’ lives here.”

“But I have a message for him! It’s from the Princess, and it’s very urgent that I get it to him.” she said sweetly.

“A message from which princess?”

“Princess Zelda of Hyrule.” The two guards looked at each other once more and then back at the group.

“Sorry, but Prince Marth has made it specifically clear he wished to hear nothing from the princess of Hyrule. Good day.” Ganondorf stepped toward the front of the group.

“Okay, come on! We all know Marth and Link are in that tower over there probably making out or something, so just let us in so we can talk to him,” he said. The two guards looked at him.

“Very well. That will cost you nine thousand rupees,” the guard on the right said. Ganondorf pulled out his wallet and tossed it to them.

“Now let us in.” The two guards looked shocked at the fact that he had brought nine thousand rupees with him, but unlocked the gate nonetheless.

“We are so fired...” one of them whispered to the other. The gate slowly opened and the guards led them in.

“Leave as quickly as possible,” one of them called after them. They ignored him and kept walking.

“Alright, now, where’s the tower? Is there a map of this castle anywhere?” Ghirahim asked. Suddenly, they noticed a group of guards marching through the corridor. They hid behind a nearby wall and listened to what they were saying.

“Wow, I have this package I have to deliver to the prince. Where’s his room again?” one of them asked. Another sighed.

“Sheesh, I’ve told you this a million times! You take the staircase on the left side of the castle and knock on the door at the very top of the tower. He’ll ask you for a password and then you can enter,” the other said.

“Uhhh... What’s that password again?”

“Ugh, you are so useless! It’s ‘fuzzywuzzle’! And don’t forget it! Just to make sure you don’t, I’ll say it one more time -- The password to enter Prince Marth’s room is ‘fuzzywuzzle’!”

“Thanks! You’re a real pal!” The guards then walked away, and they emerged from behind the wall once more.

“Wow.... That is really sad....” Ganondorf said. They all agreed and followed the directions to Marth’s room. Once they reached the door, Rabia knocked on it as hard as she could. A voice came from behind the door a moment later.

“Password?” it asked. She cleared her throat.

“Fuzzywuzzle,” she said. There was a pause behind the door, but it unlocked and slowly opened. Standing in the doorway was Link. He screamed.

“Guards! How did they get in the castle?! Help, help! Hel--” Just then, Vaati came from behind him and grabbed his mouth.

“Keep quiet Link!” he said. Link struggled to break loose, but wasn’t strong enough to get free. (Sad, very sad.)

“Link, what’s with all the...” Marth asked, walking out from somewhere else in the room. He looked around shocked. “Ummm... Can I help you?” he asked. Suddenly, Shadow Link jumped up from a shadow under the window and grabbed Marth. He cried out and was pulled back into the darkness. Link screamed a muffled cry and tried once more to break free -- this time succeeding. He gasped for air and looked around at us villains.
“What are you DOING?!” he asked. The villains looked around as they heard footsteps of the guards running up to the tower. They pushed Link back into the room and locked it behind them.

“Well shit.” Rabia said. “Thanks Link, you couldn’t shut up for jut FIVE MINUTES, could you?!” she snapped. He glared at her and the other villains. Just as the guards started pounding on the door, I floated through it to scare the guards, who went tumbling backwards down the stairs. Ganondorf picked up Link easily and we all started to run down the stairs and escape before more guards came.

“Help! Guards! There are villains in here! They took Marth! Help!” Link cried as our group rushed passed the injured guards at the bottom of the stairs. We quickly (but not so quietly due to the armor of Ganondorf, Majora and Demise) made our way back to the front door and dashed outside. “Help! Somebody help!” Link wailed, struggling to get out of Ganondorf’s grasp. We all rushed past the guards at the gate, who looked confused for a moment before starting to chase after us. We ran into the woods to hide and Ghirahim made sure Link kept silent as the guards ran past.

“Vaati, could you get Shadow to bring us back?” Rabia asked. Vaati nodded and blew a whistle, and Shadow Link appeared from the shadow of the trees we were hiding behind.
“Are we ready?” Shadow asked. Link nearly kicked him in the head, and he ducked to narrowly avoid being hit. “I’ll take that as a yes! Let’s go,” he said, swallowing everyone in shadow again. We were momentarily back in the Underworld, and Ganondorf threw Link into a large pit we had dug earlier.

“Alright, who wants to watch them?” I asked. Ghirahim stepped forward.
“Oh, I will! I’ll make sure these two are under control,” he said, licking his lips. We all just blinked at him.

“Uhh... Okay! And make sure they don’t escape, or we’ll throw you in that facility too!” I said. “Now, back to the world of the living!” We were transported back to the world we were previously in -- this time near Hyrule Castle. Slowly we crept towards the castle gates, where we encountered even more guards. I tapped Ganondore and Demise on the shoulder.
“We probably shouldn’t go in there. The guards know who we are and would get very suspicious.” Ganondorf grumbled. Demise agreed and the three of us hid behind some large buildings. Rabia, Majora, Vaati and Shadow (disguised as Link) walked up to the gates. The guards glanced at them.

“State your business.” the left one said. Rabia just blinked at them.

“Um, obviously I’m going clubbing with Zelda.” she said. The guards looked at her for a moment, then their eyes widened.

“Yes, of course! Sorry Rabia.” They said, opening the gates. As the four of them passed, one of the guards was staring at “Link.”

“I like the purple hair, Link. It suits you.” he said as the gates clanged shut behind them. Shadow smiled and nodded but didn’t say anything, remembering that Link never talked while in Hyrule. Rabia led the other’s through the castle (not that Shadow really needed it) and made her way to the throne room, where she knew Sheik and Zelda had tea parties with Peach. The guards outside allowed her in without question. Zelda looked up when she heard the door open.

“Rabia! Link! It’s nice to see you!” she said, not noticing Vaati and Majora. “Link, I see you’ve dyed your hair purple! It looks wonderful.” Shadow nodded and smiled again. “You two may join us if you’d like! Sheik and I are having a tea party together. Peach couldn’t make it today.” Rabia and Shadow walked behind the throne where Zelda’s secret tea party room was located and sat down next to her and Sheik. Shadow looked at Sheik and grinned. Sheik gasped and jumped back, and before Zelda knew what was going on, “Link” had disappeared with Sheik. Zelda gasped and stood up.

“Rabia! Did you know that was Shadow Link in disguise?!” she asked. Rabia shook her head.

“I had no idea.” she said, shrugging. “Though he was considerably less irritating on the way over...”

“We have to save my brother!” Zelda cried.

“Um... Yeah, I just remembered, I have plans...” Rabia said, awkwardly backing out of the tea party room. Zelda followed her, crying her eyes out.

“But my poor brother!! What if Shadow Link rapes him!? OR KILLS HIM?!” she screamed. Rabia awkwardly patted Zelda on the head and looked around for Vaati and Majora’s help.
They both shrugged as Zelda continued to wail. Finally Rabia pushed Zelda away gently.

“Sorry Zelda. I can’t help you.” she said, walking towards the door with Vaati and Majora.

“Wait... when did Vaati get here?!” Zelda cried, pointing at him.

“Um... that’s a good question!” Rabia said. “Bye!” She grabbed Vaati and Majora and started running out of the castle. The guards just looked at them oddly as they rushed out of the castle.

“Bye Rabia!” one of them called. They stopped running when they found Ganon, Demise and myself hiding behind some buildings.

“Were you successful?” I asked. Vaati nodded, clutching his sides out of breath.

“Yeah. Shadow... Link... fooled... Zelda... and... Sheik.... then... kidnapped.... him....” he said between breaths.

“Dude, Vaati, you need to get into shape.” Rabia chuckled. He glared at her.

“Well done, my friends!” I said, praising them for their good work. “Now we must go back to the Underworld and see what other heroes we have captured!” Zant said. Vaati whistled again and Shadow Link reappeared, this time not wearing green. Vaati was still panting, but attempted to ask Shadow to bring them back to the world of the dead. He understood what his master meant and pulled everybody into the shadow and back to the pit.

“Let’s see now, who is in the pit?” I peered into the giant hole and counted all the heroes. “Hmmm, seems like a good number,” I said. “Is that everyone?”

“Mostly everyone,” Vader said. “The only heroes we don’t have are the lesser heroes who can’t do anything.” I nodded.

“Sounds good! Now, who knows how to build a giant fortress to keep them in?” Sephiroth and a few others raised their hands. “Well, then you will all get to work on that.”

“Actually, I was hoping we could use the heroes to build the fortress,” Sephiroth said. “It would take much less time. And if we had those shock collars and somebody installed an electric fence, I think they would be kept under control.”

“Oh, and we can whip them,” Vader added.

“Yeah, that too!” I thought about this.

“Making them build the prison they will be staying in... Truly evil! Brilliant idea, Sephiroth!” He bowed. “Now, let’s get them to start working then, shall we? Who wants to get the fence and the collars?”

“Already done,” Bowser said, pointing to a few boxes beside him.

“Wonderful! Well, I’ll install the fence while you guys get the collars on these guys and put them to work,” I said. Everyone agreed and took some collars, jumping into the pit. Rabia picked up a pencil and grabbed a piece of paper and started drawing. Vaati and I walked outside to the location of our fortress, which was to be in the world of the living. Once we had made it to our location, Vaati snapped his fingers and the fence set itself up in a large rectangle that took up the entire hillside we were building our fortress on. “Wow, thank the heavens you can use magic,” I said. “Now, let’s go get the others.” We returned to the pit and got everyone’s attention. “Let’s all go to work on that fortress! Woooooot!” I cheered. Suddenly, Link spoke up (of course). He was hugging Marth -- who was crying -- and glared at me.

“Zant, WHY are we building you a fortress?! Why are we even here?! This is total crap!” he cried.

“Now now, Link, this will all be explained. Eventually... Probably not. But that’s fine, right?” I said gently.

“NO!” he cried. “Now tell us what’s happening RIGHT NOW!”

“Don’t make me shock you!” I threatened.

“Oh good! Do it, see if I care! I refuse to build you monsters ANYTHING!” He continued to glare at me. Batman and Robin stepped forward.

“We’re with the one with the pointy ears -- we refuse to build you anything until we know why we’re building it,” Batman said in his dark voice. I sighed.

“You’re not really building a ‘fortress’... It’s more of a... ‘housing facility’, I suppose.” I looked around and saw the heroes were still not buying this. I narrowed my eyes at them. “Just build the damn thing or you die!” Rabia skipped over to me and handed me the plans.

“All done!” she said.

“Oh great! Thank you, Rabia!” I said. “Now, everyone start building this fortress! IMMEDIATELY!” With that, I walked away from them.

“Very nice, Zant,” Vader said.

“Why thank you, Vader!” I went to do a little bow, but was shot on the right side of my butt by an arrow. “OW, WHAT THE--” I turned to see that Link still had his bow and arrow. “WHY wasn’t his weapon confiscated?!” I cried. He was readying another arrow when he was shocked by his collar. I turned to see Rabia had shocked him.

“Hehe, I reeeeeeally wanted to do that,” she said with a grin.

“Well thank you!” I said, pulling the arrow from my backside. “Ow...”

“Let’s get to work people!” I heard Sephiroth order those who obeyed our commands and were helping to build the fortress. Link walked back over to Marth and hugged him as he cried, glaring at anyone who walked by. To build a fortress, you have to go from the bottom up. Only half of our prisoners were doing what they were told, so they were digging the foundation of the building. The other half of the heroes, that weren’t doing what was good for them, were either trying to find a way to escape or they were glaring at us villains.

I shrugged and sat down in my random lawn chair, the flipped through another gardening magazine. Heroes are pains in the ass. Finally all the glaring heroes started getting on my nerves.

“Rabia, Shadow, can you come here please?” I asked. Rabia skipped over to me and Shadow walked like a normal person.

“Yes, Zant?” Rabia asked.

“Can you possibly do something about these... heroes?” I asked, pointing towards the ones that were not working. They looked at each other with devious grins on their faces and nodded.

“Of course.” Rabia said. The two of them walked over to the other heroes and Shadow engulfed them all in shadows, bringing them to the torture chamber. I sighed cheerfully and put on my sunglasses. Today was very successful.