A League of Villains

I was panting, running up and down the stairs to try and gather everyone together in the meeting hall. I opened up all the doors (even the bathroom ones) and yelled into the rooms.
“HURRY UP!! WE HAVE SOMETHING AWESOME TO DO!” I yelled. After I had done this in each of the rooms, I went downstairs into the meeting hall to wait. Finally everyone started trickling in, some rather angrily.

“What the hell do you want, Zant?” Ganondorf asked, crossing his arms.

“Rabia has invited us to go see Link get torture!” I said excitedly, looking around the room for the gerudo girl. “Um... does anyone know where she is?” Ganondorf raised his eyebrow at me.

“She’s in the music room. She said something like ‘I don’t care Zant, go the fuck away’ and continued polishing her flute.”

“Well then!” I said, offended. Shadow started giggling. There was an awkward silence and I sighed. “Fine, I’LL go get her.” I walked back upstairs and went into the music room. Rabia was sitting on the floor scrubbing her flute with a q-tip, and a bottle of alcohol was sitting next to her. “Rabia, you said we could watch you torture Link!” I said. She just gave me a weird look, then turned her attention back to her flute.

“You know what Zant? We can’t ALL have what we want just because we want it.” she snapped. “You can fucking WAIT. I’m trying to polish my flute.”

“What’s YOUR problem?” I asked, slightly offended.

“You are! You’re all like, NEEEH GO TORTURE LIIIINK I WANNA WATCH! Well, I’M FUCKING BUSY SO LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE!” she screamed. I stared at her, shocked. She glared at me. “GO. AWAY.” I turned and walked out of the room quickly. I walked back into the meeting hall, where everyone was talking among themselves.

“Oh hey Zant! I thought you were going to get Rabia.” Shadow said, giving me a quizzical look.

“I was. She just like... started screaming at me.” I said, still confused. Shadow looked at Vaati and the two of them started giggling obnoxiously. “What? I don’t get it.” They continued to laugh and I just shook my head. Some people are just naturally crazy. Suddenly the door opened and Rabia walked in, looking as if she had never been angry and stood next to Ganondorf.

“Hey guys. Are you ready to see some Link torture?” she asked. I blinked.

“What the fuck?” I said, still confused. Vaati and Shadow just started laughing again. “I DON’T UNDERSTAAAAAND!!” I wailed. Rabia just gave me a weird look.

“Zant, why are you acting crazier than usual?” she asked.

“You were JUST flipping out at me upstairs!” I said. She just blinked at me.

“Okay, come on guys!” She gestured for everyone to follow her downstairs. We followed her in a single file line down the narrow stairs into the dungeon. She stumbled on the last step and Ganon caught her before she fell. “Thanks Ganon.” she said, grinning and skipping through the cell blocks to reach the one containing Link.

“So Ganon... I see your bad moods have rubbed off on your wife.” I said as I neared him. He glared at me.

“Bad moods? When am I ever in a bad mood?” he asked. Most of the group just stared at him, not saying a word to this. He glared at everyone else as well. “What?” I just shook my head.

“Sure, if that’s what you want to go with,” I said. Vaati and Shadow Link were still giggling behind us for reasons I still did not know. I turned to face them. “What are you guys constantly laughing about?” The two just stared at me until Shadow couldn’t hold back and burst out in laughter. This then caused Vaati to burst out laughing as well, and I just gave them weird looks and turned back around. Rabia returned with an angry Link, who was spatting insults at everyone he passed.

“Just follow me guys! Into the torture room.” She dragged Link into the torture room and Shadow helped her secure him to a large, marble table in the center of the room. “Okay guys, are you ready? Pay close attention!” she said.

“Torture me as much as you want because someday I WILL escape from here and get my revenge!” he cried, glaring menacingly at us. We ignored him.

“Carry on,” I said with a wave of my hand. Rabia nodded and crossed the room to pick up a whip, and started circling Link. He watched her as she paced around him, his fearful eyes never leaving the whip in her hands. She stopped near his right side, dropped the whip and started tickling his sides.

Link was taken by surprise and started to squirm and laugh as she tickled him. Shadow Link started tickling Link’s feet as well. Ghirahim decided he wanted to join in and started tickling Link’s neck. This form of torture lasted for about 10 minutes until Link could barely breathe and was begging for them to stop. Finally they stopped tickling him and he caught his breath, glaring at them as tears streamed down his cheeks.

“What kind of torture was THAT?!” He yelled.

“That, my dear Link, was a tickle torture!” Rabia said. “Don’t worry though, I’ll do something worse.” she patted him on the head and picked up the whip again. “Shadow can you roll him onto his tummy please?” Shadow grinned and nodded, rolling Link onto his tummy and re-securing his bonds.

“Rabia, why do you insist on whipping me?” Link asked, giving her a confused look. She ignored him and walked over to his other side where he couldn’t see her. Holding a finger to her lips, she gave the whip to Ganondorf. Ganon’s eyes gleamed and he grinned. The rest of us stepped back so we could avoid being hit on accident (or in Vaati’s case “accident”.)
We saw Link’s muscles tense up slightly, and Ganon cracked the whip down on his back. Link let out a scream that echoed throughout the chamber and gasped for breath. Ganon let out a booming laugh before whipping him a few more times. After a few minutes, Link’s screams were soundless and tears were dripping down his face. Rabia took the whip out of Ganon’s hands before he could bring it down on Link again. Rabia walked around to the other side of Link.

“Are you okay Link?” she asked sweetly, smiling at him innocently. “I’m sorry... the whip just... slipped out of my hands and into Ganon’s!” He didn’t look at her -- he just continued panting out of pain and ignored her. Ghirahim licked his lips beside me, and I inched away. He slowly started creeping over to Link and sat down on the other side of him and creepily licked the blood off one of the wounds on his back.

Link let out a pained cry and Rabia shooed Ghirahim away. “Okay well... since Ganon whipped him, I think that he’s had enough torture for today. Shadow, will you hand me that bucket of water please?” she asked. He brought it over to her and we started talking among ourselves as she wiped the blood off Link’s back to prevent infection. Shadow Link picked up the other washcloth and started to help her.

“So Vaati...” I said, looking at him. “What was so funny earlier?” Vaati looked to his left and shrugged.

“Just, uhh... Just a joke,” he said, clearing his throat. I stared at him.

“Well? Are you going to tell me the joke?” I asked. He looked at Shadow nervously, he just looked away and continued cleaning Link’s wounds. Vaati cleared his throat again and laughed nervously.

“Uhh... Why did the... mushroom go to the bar?” he said.

“I don’t know. Why?” I asked, interested.

“He was a fungi...? And uhh, why did he leave?”

“...... I don’t know.” I said, blinking at him.

“There wasn’t mushroom... Heehee, get it?” He looked away and coughed awkwardly.

“Vaati, you are a TERRIBLE liar. Now why were you REALLY laughing?” I asked. He shrugged.

“Is it a crime to laugh now?! We’re just very happy people! Sheesh, get off my back, bitches,” he muttered, folding his arms. I rolled my eyes and walked over to talk to Ganondorf.

“Hey Ganon. Nice job whipping Link. I wish I had gotten to... luckyyyy....” Rabia and Shadow had finished cleaning out Link’s newly acquired wounds and started half carrying him back to his cell. Ganondorf turned to me.

“Sucks for you, doesn’t it?” He then turned away and continued ignoring me.

“Well then...” I said. Instead I turned to talk to Sephiroth. “So what’s up Sephiroth?” I asked. His face was slightly flushed and he looked distracted.

“.........wait what?” he asked. I grumbled and crossed my arms. Why doesn’t anyone want to talk to meeee? I asked myself.

“Well, who are we torturing next?” I asked, irritated.

“Who do you wanna torture next?” Rabia asked, walking back in. I thought about this.

“Hmmm... Let’s see... Who else do we have....” I looked through the list of prisoners I randomly had on a clipboard. “How about.... Marth?”

“Okay, I’ll go get him then,” Rabia said, skipping to his cell. She went to unlock his cell, with Shadow close by, when Link looked up.

“Hey... Whoa whoa whoa, what are you guys doing?” he asked, looking over at them worriedly.

“Taking Marth.” Rabia answered, pulling Marth’s cell door open and went to gather him up from the corner he was cowering in. Link came as close as he could to the bars of the cell.

“Why are you taking him?!” he cried. “Don’t you even THINK of touching him!”

“Oh no worries, we won’t touch him. Only the whip will,” Shadow Link answered with a smirk.

“The what?!” Marth cried, backing up slightly.

“When we get out of here, you’re definitely the first person to die, Shadow!” Link hollered. Shadow shrugged.

“I’ll just come back to life. No big deal,” he said casually.

“Wait!” Link cried as the two led Marth out of his cell.

“Ugh, what now?” Rabia said, raising an eyebrow at him, unamused.

“I’ll do anything if you just leave Marth where he is -- you can even torture me twice as much or something! Just please, don’t--” he started.

“Sorry, can’t hear you,” Rabia said, dragging Marth farther from his cell.

“WAIT!” Link cried. “I’ll... I’ll... I’ll even let... GHIRAHIM torture me! Just please leave him alone!”

“And why should we do that?” Rabia asked, putting her hands on her hips. “We can’t give Marth special treatment just because you’re begging us to. It just makes you seem more pathetic anyways.”

“I’ll pay you! I’ll be your personal servant! Anything!” He looked up at her with big, pleading eyes. “Please?”

“Fine, we’ll bring you back if it will shut you the fuck up.” She snapped, walking Marth back into his cell. Shadow Link unlocked Link’s cell and grabbed him, dragging Link back to the torture chamber. Rabia followed in a minute after, still grasping Marth’s arm. Link looked at her, wide-eyed.

“What are you doing?! Go put him back! We made a deal!” he cried, trying to tug himself out of Shadow’s grip.

“I know,” she said, leading them both back to where they were to be tortured. Shadow chained Link down to the marble table he had been on moments before, and Rabia chained Marth to the other so they were looking at each other. “Link, you should know by now that you can’t make deals with people like us.” Rabia said, gently removing his bandages and placing them in a pot of boiling water. She handed Ghirahim a whip. “You can torture Link. I’ll torture Marth.” she said. Link struggled against his bonds.

“You can’t be serious!” he said. “You people are sick! Marth has never even done anything to any of you!” He continued to pull and tug, but winced in pain from his still-aching wounds.
“I know he hasn’t. I’m only torturing him because you don’t want me to.” Rabia said, grinning. She brought the whip down on Marth’s back and he let out a pained cry. Link struggled desperately against the chains holding him to the table. Ghirahim also began whipping Link in earnest. Their screams echoed throughout the chamber, until finally the whipping stopped and they died down with a slight ring still in the air. Link looked up in anger at Rabia, ignoring the pedophilish looks he was receiving from Ghirahim.

“Rabia, I really hate you,” he said. “You are truly demented.”

“I know!” she said chipperly. (that’s a word now)

“Go suck Ganondorf’s dick!” he hollered, trying to make his way over to comfort Marth. I gasped.

“Oooooh, good one!” I said. She shrugged.

“Okay. But I’m going to clean up Marth so he doesn’t get an infection first. Link you need to be cleaned up too, so don’t move.” she said, giving him a look. Ghirahim grinned and started licking the blood off of Link’s back.

“Stop that, you loaf!” he cried, trying to elbow him in the face.

“Loaf? What?” a few of us villains said, looking at each other confused. He continued to attempt to smack Ghirahim in the nose with his arm, but was unsuccessful.

“Boy, you’re going to hurt yourself if you keep moving so much,” he said tenderly. (pedophile) Rabia had started gently wiping the blood off Marth’s back and applying bandages to cover his wounds. As soon as she was done she brought a clean washcloth and the clean bandages over to Ghirahim, then crossed the room to stand next to Ganondorf. He was still standing, arms folded, looking angry as usual. He glanced down at her.

“What?” he asked.

“Link wanted me to suck your dick.” she shrugged. Ganon thought about this for a moment.
“Yeah, he’s weird.” He continued to stand where he was, totally unmoved despite the fact that Rabia had just offered to blow him. Link was still struggling to get to Marth, but Ghirahim was sitting on his legs, seductively wiping his back with the warm cloth.

“Can I comfort Marth, please?” Link asked, trying to buck Ghirahim off of him. This was definitely not helping, however, and was probably just making the situation worse.

“No,” Rabia said, smiling evilly. “No you can’t. Marth needs to man up a bit anyway.” Link glared at her.

“He does not need to ‘man up a bit’, you bitch” he said angrily.

“OOOOOOOOOOOOOH BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURN!” Jafar, Bowser and I cried together. Rabia glared at Link and walked over to him, then backhanded his cheek.

“Watch what you say, Link.” she snapped. He then spat on her pants.

“No!” he said.

“OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!” we said again.

“He’s just really askin’ for it now,” Bowser said. Rabia gestured to Shadow, who walked over to a large circular object in the corner. He pulled out an iron, the heat it had been in cast it a bright yellow.

“Do you want us to use this Link?” Rabia asked, her voice dangerously quiet. He continued to glare at her.

“What’s one more scar going to do to me? I have plenty,” he said. Marth threw a small rock towards him, and he turned to look in the prince’s direction. He was motioning for Link to stop talking and making things worse, and he sighed. “Fine, you’re right, an iron would be bad...” he muttered, looking away. Rabia smirked and walked away, Shadow put the iron back in the fire with a grumble.

“Someone bring Link back to his cell. We’re going to have a little more fun with Marth.” Rabia said.

“What? No! Hey, you can’t do that!” Link cried as he was dragged out of the room. “NOOOOO!” we heard him yell as he became more and more distant. I turned to Rabia.

“So, what are we going to do now?” I asked.

“First, we have to give him a really obvious bruise. Then we’re going to go in the kitchen and get him something to eat.” she said, grinning evilly. I looked at her confused, and so did a few others.

“I... don’t understand,” I said. “Why are we giving him food?”

“I just said we were going to torture him more to mess with Link.” she said. “It’s part of the mental torture. Anyways, Marth was sleeping still when we were giving them breakfast this morning.” she shrugged. “He’s probably hungry. Marth if you tell Link we didn’t torture you, we WILL do something much worse to you.” she said, staring at him. He stared at her wide-eyed and quickly nodded.

“Uhh, o-of course,” he stuttered. She helped Marth stand up and led him down to the kitchens. The rest of us stood in the chamber awkwardly.

“Ganondorf...” I said, staring at him. “Your wife is FUCKED UP.” He shrugged.

“It’s whatever.” Demise stepped out from the back of the crowd.

“I don’t think she’s very fucked up,” he said. “She’s FEEDING the prisoners -- now that’s just wrong...” Ganondorf glared at him.

“Well who would we have to torture if the prisoners died? She’s doing us all a favor,” he said. Demise shook his head.

“Not really. There will be resistance groups and such set up in all of our lands, I just know it. They’ll all be plotting against us. We could find and capture them,” he said. Ganondorf continued to glare.

“Demise, you better shut up before I punch you in the face,” he said. Demise ignored this and continued.

“Remember the resistance that the people of Hyrule Castle Town formed when you and Zant took over? Yeah, there were only, what... Five people in that group? Wouldn’t be too difficult to overthrow you again if there were even more who joined together.” Ganondorf stepped toward him and stared (slightly upward) menacingly.

“Seriously, I think you better shut up.” I tried to make the situation less awkward with a laugh. I punched Ganondorf in the arm jokingly.

“Ohh, you guys just crack me up!” I said. The two looked at me like I was idiotic, and thankfully, Rabia soon returned. She glanced from Demise to Ganondorf a few times before rolling her eyes.

“Men.” she muttered. “See, this is why I talk to Sephiroth and Shadow. They’re not full of awkward testosterone.” she shook her head again. Sephiroth cheered.

“Sweet! I’m not filled with testosterone! Wait...” he trailed off. I patted him on the back.

“It’s okay, Sephiroth, we got your point.” He grinned. Rabia just shook her head again.

“Ganon, Demise, stop fighting. We get it. Ooooh you’re so manly bluuuuuh.” she said. The two glared at her, but said nothing.

“Well, now what are we going to do?” Scar asked, flicking his tail.

“I don’t know about you guys, but I’m going to finish polishing my flute. I couldn’t finish because I was RUDELY interrupted.” Rabia said, glaring at me. “And then I’m going to help Ganon. If you know what I mean.” I looked at her, confused.

“Ganondorf has a flute? And he needs help polishing it?” A few villains smacked their foreheads or shook their heads. “I don’t get it...” I said.

“Why yes, yes he does.” Rabia said, trying not to giggle.

“Ooooh, I didn’t know that! Is it a nice flute?” I asked. Ganondorf looked away awkwardly and rolled his eyes. “What?” I asked.

“Oh, yeah. It’s pretty damn nice.” she replied, grinning at me. I sighed.

“I wish I had a nice flute... Mine is all worn out... Ganon, can we compare flutes sometime?” Ganondorf grabbed Rabia’s wrist and started walking out of the room.

“Yep, we’re just gonna leave now,” he muttered. Rabia was laughing hysterically and many of the other villains were snickering.

“What? I still don’t get it.” I said. Shadow Link patted me on the back.

“It’s alright Zant... We all know you have a tiny flute..” He burst out laughing.

“Tiny? What are you talking about? My flute is fifty - seven inches long!” I said. Everyone stopped laughing and just stared at me, wide-eyed. “...Will someone explain what is so funny to me?!”

“I say we should torture some more Links -- I was just starting to enjoy myself,” Ghirahim suggested. Shadow Link shoved him.

“No way, creepo! One Link is enough!”

“I didn’t mean you! I mean the innocent Links!” He flipped his hair out of his face and licked his lips. “The innocent ones always scream the most.” Everyone now turned and stared wide-eyed at him.

“What? I like it when they scream...” Ghirahim grinned. There was an awkward silence and slowly everyone started to go back upstairs to avoid being in the same room as him. I was one of the last to leave and I walked upstairs and went into the living room. I began to daydream, but I still wanted to know what the flute joke was about...