Don't Let These Boots Fool You

His smell was everywhere, the closet, and his pillows, even the carpet held a faint smell of him. How his smell stayed even after he moved out I wasn’t sure. His room had gone untouched by our mother, nothing moved or replaced after we moved out. I felt relieved to know that. Although the confines of my brother’s room were starting to make me realize he was never coming back. My family had left me alone for three days, not bothering to make me eat, or leave his room.

I had examined all of the things in his room but I missed the tickets sticking out of a book. That shouldn’t be there. Nothing new was in this room; he didn’t even live here anymore. My hands grazed the book the tickets were in. It was his favorite book, Robin Hood. I grabbed the tickets; I was surprised to find a note with it.

“Missy,
I know things have gotten a little crazy as of lately. Let’s go visit Kelly, I know you miss her as much as I do. I hope you realize how much you mean to me as well as Kelly. You both are my world and you’ll be making me the happiest person in the world in a few months. You’ve made me grow up Missy, don’t ever think I regretted a thing that we did.
Until the last star loses its light,
Brett”

I was completely shocked by his note. I glanced at the tickets and cried. He was going to visit the week before Christmas. Holy shit. I was by far the worst sister in the world. I killed my own brother. I curled up in his bed with the pillow in my face and his blankets around me and let sleep take over my body like I had for the past four days, there was no reason to get out of bed.

The days blurred as I continued to lay in his bed all day and all night not doing anything else until I heard my mother for the first time. “Kelly, you need to get dressed the funeral is today.” I sighed as I stood up to get dressed. I hadn’t so much as looked in a mirror since Brett died and I hadn’t planned to do so today. I knew Brett would have wanted me looking pretty, which caused me to go back into the bathroom, fix my naturally straight hair, and put a little touch of make up on.

The stairs were like my own personal green mile, causing me to realize I had not only lost a friend but my other half. It was as if I was walking to the electric chair and didn’t even know it. I saw my family standing in the doorway waiting for me. No one looked happy, but none of them looked as bad as I did. I had yet to eat, I had showered once and I hadn’t even changed out of his clothes. I was horrible.

My family piled up into trucks and made the short drive to the funeral home. The cars parked everywhere made the reality hit that much harder. I couldn’t bear to walk through those doors. I looked over my family as we made a line all holding hands. I felt a cool soft hand in mine and knew it was Missy’s. “You’ll be okay Kelly. Be strong for Brett.”

As we got through the funeral, Missy got up to read a letter. She was so strong even though she had a small baby bump and no father for her child anymore. I felt like the world’s worst sister in law now that I had ignored them for so long.

“Kelly, I found this letter amongst things that Brett had been sorting through. It was with a picture of you two and thought you deserved to hear it.” She looked down at the letter in her hands and then directly at me. “Kellbell I’m writing this to you in case of an emergency. I want you to be my baby’s godmother. I don’t think anyone else would be better than you would. Also, don’t worry about what people say to hurt you, yes it hurts but don’t always hold onto that hurt. You’ve done it big I don’t think I ever actually told you how proud I was of my twin. You graduated from a great school and moved 600 miles away. I only hope that you find happiness like I have with Missy. Whenever you feel lonely take a moment to find a field, drop the tailgate, put on a country song and you’ll have me by your side. I’m not just your brother, or best friend. I’m your twin and know things before you do. Don’t worry I love you the best.”

Missy had tears coming down her face as she finished the letter. She read the date and it was right before he took his bike to trade out. He had a bad feeling, no wonder I felt so sick at work that day. My brother had known something was wrong with him. I half-heartedly listened to the rest of the service and went to stand as everyone gave their condolences and said final good byes to Brett.

I hadn’t looked up because most people had touched my shoulder and told me I would be okay and make it but I felt as if I wasn’t there. I heard someone in front of me clear their throat. I thought it was odd that someone would do that at a funeral home. I glanced up and saw all of the team in suits and ties. I spiraled into more tears and felt horrible. They came out to Kentucky instead of going home.

“Kelly, we know nothing we say is going to help this, but we hope that our presence here will help ease the pain.” I heard the words come from Kris as I started to cry a little more.

“Thanks guys, I had really hoped you wouldn’t be here. I didn’t want you all to see me at my worst but now that you all are here I’m glad because it helps.” I told them in between sobs. Each one came up, shook my family’s hand, and gave me a hug. The players I knew the best hung to the back and waited for me to say goodbye to Brett.

Brett lay lifeless in the casket and had something in his hand. I looked over at Missy and she nodded at me as if she knew the question I was going to ask. She made them put our matching handkerchiefs that our grandmother insisted we have. We had traded ours so I had a piece of him and vice versa. I knew that he would watch over me as I let everything fade away for a second.

“Bye Brett. I’ll watch over your baby, I’ll help Missy and most of all I’m going to live with reckless abandon. “I kissed my fingers and set them on his cheek as I walked towards the back of the funeral home very slowly.

The guys that had been at Jordan’s house the previous week were all standing along the back. None of them were joking around or horsing around as I thought they would. I opened my arms to be engulfed in a group hug from the guys that I had come to love. They all stepped back away and Geno looked at me with sincerity in his eyes.

“We made this for you. We’re going to hang it behind our bench for the next week of games, and we’re going to wear this number on our helmets.” I was shocked no one would have done that anywhere else and I knew that. I jumped into Geno’s arms and felt him go stiff as I squeezed my small arms around his neck.

I pushed my face further into his neck and tried not to cry, “Thanks Geno, this means the world to me.” I whispered into his ear as I kissed his cheek hoping he wouldn’t go eight shades of red. I didn’t feel that way for Geno at all, I knew he had a girl back home and would stay with her.

A few of them had started to leave the group heading for the door to the parking lot. “Could some of you go to the restaurant with me? I can’t go to the grave.” I looked up from under my lashes and prayed that one of them didn’t question why. I saw Sid, Kris, and Jordan hold back and look at me.

“You know you’re one of the strongest people I know Kelly.” I heard Jordan’s words and felt worse than I should have. I didn’t know how I was going to make it through the next few weeks.

“Thanks, I’m just not sure how I’m going to make it through the next few weeks.” I smiled sheepishly hoping it would hide my insecurities. I was with Brett instead of in here. “Can I just talk to Jordan for a second?”

The other two nodded their head and quietly said they would meet us at the restaurant and that Jordan could ride with her. She felt that even though she needed time to cope with the loss of Brett she needed to address the issue of the kiss. She started to walk out of the funeral home to Jordan’s rental car. She slid in the front seat and looked over at him.

“I’m sorry Kelly.” He looked over at me and genuinely apologized for the first time since the incident. I looked over at him and looked back down at my hands. “I shouldn’t have done it but damn who could fault a man for wanting to try. You’re level headed, you don’t worry about how much I make, and you’re exactly what I want in a woman.”

How could I get angry with him for that? I knew what he did was wrong but I could no longer be mad at him. “Jordan, I can’t be mad now but I’m in charge of what you do with charities, how can you expect me to do my job now?” I was crying again. This time I didn’t know why I started to cry. I wanted my brother back and I wanted to know what I was going to do with my life now. I cried because I was confused.

He grabbed my face and wiped way my tears. “Kelly, I don’t want anything from you if you don’t want it. I’ll be a friend for now. Don’t worry I know your boundaries.” He sighed as he turned the car on and started driving. I wanted the pain to go away. I wanted everything to go away.

I saw the small family restaurant come into view. “Take it away Jordan. Take all the pain away. God I hurt so much, I want it all to end.” I started to cry again, knowing that nothing would make the hurt go away in the end.

I wasn’t aware that his lips met mine until I felt distracted. He had his hands in my hair, pulling my face closer to his, his lips pushing closer to mine. I gasped at the feeling of his lips against mine. He took the chance to slip his tongue in between my lips. He tasted like fresh mint toothpaste and something I couldn’t figure out. My mind finally rationalized what was occurring, I pushed him back, away from me. “Jordan, why me?”

He looked at me funny and leaned back. “This is why,” He pushed his lips right back against mine and pulled me closer. “I’d wait for you a thousand years if I had to Kelly. You’re the type of girl I can take home to mom and know that I haven’t completely fucked up.”

A chaste kiss was pressed against my lips as he shut the car off. “Now let’s go inside and put on a fake smile so people don’t think you’re going to curl up in a ball and cry for days.” He smiled and opened his door, walking towards the entrance. He turned and smirked at me. Of all things, he smirked at me.