Changing the Girl

I remember the day I found out. My daughter, Scarlette Jenna Jerggens, was eight at the time. But I had been feeling sick, and I had to be healthy for her. I had called Alex, and he had driven me to the hospital for an appointment.

I had cancer.

Terminal to be exact. It had started with breast cancer, but somehow it spread.

They told me I had a month to live, and anything after that was a miracle.

One month.

Alex tried to stay strong, but he took me to his house. We did a little more than just kiss that day. It was his way of saying goodbye.

When he took me home, Damien greeted us with a smile. But he saw the tears in Alex’s eyes, the blank look in mine, and put them together to know something was wrong. “Hun…?” Damien had asked warily.

“Sit down kid.” Alex had said heavily. The three of had sat at our kitchen table. Scar was on a “date” with Jack. We had an hour to talk it out. Damien had cried, Alex had held strong but his face showed it all, and I?

I sat emptily.

Over the course of the next few days, we called family and friends. Well, Damien did. He broke the news to them all. Our house was big, so it was no surprise when MCR, ATL, and Ronnie moved in for the time being. They took me to the doctors, cleaned my house, and took Scar out. I on the other hand, wrote songs. I planned on leaving them behind for her. I wrote an entire diary out, so she could have a part of me.

One day, Mikey lay next to me. I was so weak, I couldn’t walk well. “The last of the five musketeers are gonna go eh?” I said weakly. A smile formed on his worried face.

“Toby came to me one day, ranting about how your innocence was going to get you killed. He was so worried. I guess he didn’t have to be.” He forced out.

“Dead at thirty-three. Damn.” I said.

“I’m going to miss you.” Mikey told me, tears streaming down his face. I turned my head to him slowly. I placed finger tips against the side of his face. Mikey shuddered a breath.

“I won’t be too far away my friend. I promise you that.”

Mikey closed his eyes, and we fell asleep. I had similar conversations with the others. Gerard had sobbed a little. He held me to him too.

Alex was the worst. He was the only one I cried with. We’d spend hours going over childhood memories.

Damien would lay next to me at night and watch. I knew he hoped I’d go in my sleep. So it would be less painful in the end.

But it didn’t happen that way.

“Damien?” I had whispered hoarsely one night.

“Yeah sweetheart?” He asked, moving hair from my face.

“Get the boys and Scar. I want to say something to her, and then I want her to go to bed. I’m fading fast, hurry.”

With tears in his eyes he nodded. Then he left my room. Soon the room was filled with crying people, and a little girl who was confused.

“Come here sweetie.” I told her, breathing deeply. She sat next to me. “Be good for Daddy and all your Uncles. Mommy loves you okay? Mommy loves you.”

I’d like to think that on some level, she understood. Especially because when she hugged me,
she whispered, “Bye-bye Mommy.”

“Bye-bye baby.” I had said back. And Damien put her back to bed. When he came back, I spoke once again. “Damien, move on. Find another to love. No matter how soon, don’t push love away.
Be happy. Gee and Mikey, you have to take care of each other. I don’t care if you’re both married, just do. Gee, keep drawing and Mikey, keep drinking an unhealthy amount of coffee. Ray, never get rid of the fro if you like it. Even as you go bald. Frank, try not to die in a hoard of animals. We love you too much to lose you to a sea of puppies. Ronnie, thank you. You made me understand why I couldn’t go back. Rian, the whole Lysander thing is not your fault. Okay? Thanks for the drum lessons. Zack, thanks for beating up every guy who ever hurt me. Just try to let your daughter have fun? Jacky, oh honey you never did grow up. Don’t for anyone.” I took a breath. I’d be gone soon. I knew it. Only one left. “Alex. My Allycat. I love you. You gave me a reason to live when I didn’t have one. I love you.”

“I love you too Libby.” He choked.

“I won’t forget any of you. Gentlemen, I’ll see you on the other side.” And I took a breath.

I was gone.

The guys sobbed for days. Fans grieved for me. My ex-band mates wished they had stayed in touch after we parted ways. My daughter missed me.

My funeral is in the same church as my wedding. That’s where I’ve been telling my story from. I sit on the closed part of my coffin, as the audience sobs.

Funny how the music playing switches between mine, ATL and MCR. Funny how The Black Parade Fits so well. Funny how I didn’t pay enough attention to hear my eulogies. Funny how I had three.

Alex sits straight. He’s staring into my coffin, but flicks his dead eyes to me. Not to my body, but to me. He knows I’m there. I was hoping for that.

I think of how one day, my daughter will grow up. I’ll miss that. But I’ll stay here. It’s not like I can go anywhere else. I’m a ghost. Alex will help her understand.

Six members of the audience get up. Wiping tears. Alex, Damien, and Max on the left. Alex closes the top, after kissing me one more time. I feel it. Gerard, Jack and Mikey on the other. I decide to keep my seat.

They slowly carry me down the aisle. After each row, the seated stand and follow. The boys carry me to a hearse. My deep purple coffin gets placed in.

I decide to go with Alex. He stares straight ahead. Almost numb as Zack drives. We arrive at the tree. A willow on a hill.

How sweet.

They burry me, and once again I block out their words. I don’t need them.

Alex stands here. Long after the others leave. He stands. Staring at my grave. Alex looks at my stone as pink petals fall from the willow. His eyes glaze over.

“I said I’d never forget your face…”