‹ Prequel: Autumn's Monologue.
Sequel: Nothing Like You.

Hold Me Down

I Know Better.

One Week.

My mind went back to last Sunday night—as I listened to Bert belt out the song that made me melt each time I heard it. That time I was in the arms of the man I loved with nothing but a huge weight on my shoulders.

Pulling his pillow close once again I let the tears fall. How could I have been so selfish? So stupid? So desperate? It had been seconds, hours, days, weeks, since I last gave in like that—how could it have been so easy after staying away for so long?

I turned my attention to the new addition of Gerard and Ray’s life—she’s truly beautiful. She’s eight months old, unruly hair and the most beautiful green eyes you’ll ever see. They named her Elena after our grandma. Tucker calls her Ellie—surprisingly he’s got a knack for babies.

He and Annie have made it ‘official’ between them—they’re just best friends. They got into a full blown make-out session apparently and it just got awkward from there. He refused to go into details and by the color that appeared on his cheeks, I didn’t press.

Today should be a day of complete and utter happiness—not this never ending pit of despair I feel I’ve gotten myself into. That’s just it though, I did this to myself—it was all my doing. I glanced over at the alarm clock that rested on Frank’s nightstand—he was going to be home any minute and I hadn’t even climbed out of bed.

I’m sure I looked a mess—my hair dirty, askew and my pajamas wrinkled from constant movement due to restless sleep. Tucker had camped out in the living room—skipping school for the exciting moment of Frank’s return from a three month vacancy from our home.

I clutched his pillow tighter as I let silent sobs wrack through my body, I didn’t want to make noise—Tucker would know what I had done. He had been so close to finding me that day that was so long ago that feels like it was just yesterday. The look he gave me—he was wiser beyond his years, something I could never forget.

I heard the door open and a chorus of hellos from the intruders—distinguishing the voices I picked out Gee and Ray. I heard Tucker’s squeal for Ellie as her small coo flowed through the air. I heard muffled conversation and then tentative footsteps towards the bedroom door before a small knock broke into my thoughts.

I quickly wiped at my eyes before pretending to be sleeping—I didn’t want to see anyone—not even Frank at the moment. I let the tears fall steadily this time as the door closed and then not even a few moments later loud cheers of ‘Welcome Home’ rang throughout.

I heard the unmistakable sounds of bags hitting the floors and bodies colliding with force as they embraced. I heard his excited squeals over Ellie. Then I heard footsteps, soft and slow, approach the bedroom door. The door opened quickly yet quietly as I heard footsteps come closer.

Keeping my eyes closed—as tears still fell—I felt his hand brush stray hairs out of my face. The bed shifted as he climbed in beside me, gently caressing my face as if I were the most delicate thing on the planet. I gently opened my eyes—feigning just having woken up as I took in his smiling face.

My heart broke, I felt it stop and shatter into a million pieces as I couldn’t even muster enough emotion to smile back. I just stared at him, this beautiful angel that was brought into my life so long ago—I didn’t deserve him—especially not after what I had done.