A Will to Survive

The group had mostly congregated in the cafeteria. There was a calm and almost joyful air enveloping them as they all talked amongst themselves. They were together for the sole purpose of not being alone. They all had a core need to feel alive to be reminded that living isn’t just surviving. They all longed to feel close to other human beings but none of those needs were said out loud. They didn’t have to be it was understood. Lacy had originally decided to stay in her cell she didn’t feel that she belonged in the groups bonding time. She had been brought into this group of people she had never met before. They were a family of strangers which she was an entity revolving. Lacy felt her very presence would spoil the relaxation for that tight knit group of friends. Just as she was getting comfortable on her cot she heard hasty footsteps approaching.

“Aw hell nah!” Daryl’s now familiar drawl came to Lacy’s ears before she could even see him.

“Get the fuck up Red if I’m stuck hangin’ with these dipshits so are you” He pointed a finger at her looking at her from under his eye lashes with his eyebrows raised. Lacy felt a stirring in her chest she hadn’t expected anyone to notice she wasn’t there. Here Daryl was fetching her before it had even began. Lacy tucked her hair behind her ear trailing her fingers to her lips to bite her nails nervously.

“I don’t want to crash your party, I mean I’m not one of you guys I’d just …I don’t know…fuck it up” Lacy’s glanced nonchalantly at her nail beds afraid to meet Daryl’s eyes. Her self pity was completely disregarded by Daryl.

“That’s bull shit and ya fuckin’ know it, now get yer skinny little ass into that cafeteria ‘fore I pick ya up and carry ya there.” Lacy remembered the last time Daryl had to carry her and a flush of heat reached her ears. She almost wanted an excuse to get him closer to her. The expectant look on his face forced her surrender.

“Alright alright, I’m getting up boss man” Lacy didn’t miss the relief in his eyes though it was brief. Daryl hadn’t intended for Lacy to see his true motivations, he had wanted her to join them that night for his own benefit; he couldn’t stand the idea of hanging out in that cafeteria without her. Once you’re in there you can’t leave or everyone will notice. He would be wondering what she was up to the entire time, better for her just to stay in his sights. He’d really rather they both stayed behind while the group got together but he knew he couldn’t ditch or they’d come looking for him. The pair walked together in silence, something else Daryl liked about Lacy; she didn’t feel the need to fill every moment with conversation like so many of the others. It was exhausting talking to most of them, the dead air like the dead around them didn’t sit well with so many of them and so they attempted to create conversation even when it didn’t feel natural, they forced it out of fear of what would be left behind if they didn’t speak. They talked with urgency, not knowing if this would be the last conversation they had with each other. That emotional weight was too much for Daryl and it kept him from talking to too many of them. Daryl took a deep breath before focusing on something else, anything else. Lacy watched him with her peripherals and he was aware of it. They were constantly sizing each other up but Daryl enjoyed it, it was almost like a game to him. As they approached the destination they began to walk slower. It was both of them lingering in their own moments, unwilling to let it end so soon. Lacy met Daryl’s eyes and forgot for a moment that the world was gone. She considered briefly what meeting him would have been like before all of this. She didn’t consider it for long, it didn’t matter, and she would only begin to miss the world from before. As Daryl reached up to touch his chin Lacy saw on his arm the bracer she had made for him. The markings on the brace were menacing in the dim hall light. His eyes looked far away and the window to his mind unguarded.

“You’re wearing it?” Lacy couldn’t stop herself from asking. Though the answer was obvious she longed to hear him acknowledge it. Her smile was uncontainable, a hard pull on the corners of her mouth that felt unusual but exciting.
“Ya” Daryl replied scuffing his feet a bit. Almost timid in this moment.

“fits nice” he added in an attempt to give Lacy something more of an answer. Rather than continue that conversation Daryl pushed open the doors to the cafeteria. As Daryl walked in with Lacy by his side all eyes in the cafeteria shot up. Carols eyes were the first Lacy saw. She decided that the empty seat next to Carol was as good as but to her surprised Daryl made his way for it before her. The group had recommenced the random chatter as Lacy walked the perimeter of the circle their chairs had formed and leaned against a wall off to the side. Lacy couldn’t help noticing Rick wasn’t here. Though it seemed most everyone else was. He must be on watch. It seemed just like Rick to take Watch so that everyone else could have a good night together. He had sacrificed all of himself to take care of this group and he was begging to accept it, there was something changing in him and as she sees him for what he is Lacy is overwhelmed with respect for him.

“Okay, so I’m dying to know something mystery girl” Glenn’s words were directed at Lacy. She shifted uncomfortably.

“Yeah? What is it?” She asked feeling a bit like she was on stage in front of these people, The pressure to prove herself kicked up a sweat on Lacy's palms.

“What did you do before this?” It was the same question Carol had asked her.

“I was an English student in college.”

“Yeah Carol told me that, you had to have a job though right? I just can’t picture you filing papers or anything.” The curious eyes of everyone in the room hit her. Lacy found herself looking for Daryl’s and saw his eyes full of interest on her too.

“Ah, well I mean, it doesn’t matter now right?” Lacy tried to divert the question as she bit her nails nervously.

“Come on, I was a pizza delivery boy. It doesn’t get much worse than that right?”

“It just needed to pay the bills and I did “Lacy said again grasping at any chance to avoid the truth they wanted to get from her. The group didn’t let up, now Beth was contributing.

“Come on Lace, now you have ME wondering.” Beth was immediately followed by Sasha.

“We won’t laugh, I promise.”

“FINE!” Lacy finally burst out; all the eyes probing her made her feel naked and ashamed.

“I worked at Hooters.” The room was quiet for a long moment then somewhere in the group a snicker was heard. After that an avalanche of laughter from everyone came over the room.

“You said you wouldn’t laugh.” Lacy reminded them a crimson blush all over her face and neck as slight anger welled up in her. She had never felt ashamed of having that job until this. She had to be tough now, smart, and quick; she had to be a bad ass. That job wasn’t all she was cut out for and she didn’t want these strangers coming to their own conclusions of her based on that job. She had known how to protect herself then because she was alone and she had to balance school and her job driving around at night in the worst parts of Chicago. She had been good with a knife since she was 18. The laughter began to calm and Lacy's seething rage had her eyes on the ground and her lips pulled tight.

“I’m sorry ...I just…never thought..” Sasha trailed off between fits of laughter.

Lacy had the overwhelming urge to leave but just as she pushed off the wall to walk out Carol came to her rescue.

“Well aren’t you a rare breed, pretty and dangerous” Lacey was slightly comforted by the compliment but was still mortified that she had revealed something she never planned to talk about again.

“Lighten up its all in good fun” Glenn said now with a slightly teasing tone. Lacy's anger softened, it was a LITTLE funny to think of her old hooters uniform in the worlds today. It was probably the least practical uniform any job had ever given her.

“Okay enough picking on the poor girl” Hershel jumped in and steered the conversation away from Lacy which she was thankful for. The night continued on and food was passed around. Lacy felt herself loosening up as she listened to the group sharing stories and laughing together. Daryl hadn’t said a word the entire night but he had always appeared to be listening. Lacey’s ears perked up when she heard the mentioning of a calendar.

“Wait you guys have a calendar?” Lacy jumped back into the conversation now. She remembered Daryls vague answer from before hoping for something more solid from the rest of them.

“Well we aren’t exactly sure if it’s accurate anymore. A girl named Andrea was keeping it for a long time then it was sort of passed on to the rest of us. We try to keep pretty good track but who’s to say we aren’t months off by now” Lacy didn’t care if it wasn’t accurate she hadn’t had a good idea of the date in so long. Her only calendar had been the seasons but in a state she wasn’t familiar with that method hadn’t served her very well. She needed the stability of week structures and planned time. The Chaos was to much for her without that one constant to hold you down.

“Well according to this calendar what is the date?” Lacy asked now growing more and more interested.

“Ah, I think its June 10th why?” Lacy tried to conceal her thoughts, avoid showing them on her face. She had been off on her guess back in the woods. Her 27th birthday was tomorrow. She had thought that summer began sooner based only on the Georgia weather.

“Lace?” Beth prompted when she hadn’t said anything.

“Oh, its nothing.” Lacy said waving her hand a small quiver in her voice.

“Didn’t look like nothin’” Daryl’s gruff voice came from what seemed like nowhere. Lacy met his eyes briefly before diving headfirst into another conversation with the group.

“Well, according to your calendar… tomorrows my birthday..” Lacy felt a tear begin to form in her eye though she couldn’t say why. She blinked it away furiously.

“Your birthday!?” Carl’s voice came chiming to Lacy’s ears.

“How old are you going to be?” The group laughed together before Tyreese leaned close to Carl.

“You never ask a lady how old she is. They don’t like it” Lacy quickly interceded that comment.

“No Tyreese its okay. I’ll be 27 Carl. Today’s a different world, I’m proud I’ve lasted another year. The last thing I care about is whether I’m getting crow’s feet or gray hair”

“Hear hear” Carol added lifting her glass and nodding at Lacy’s statement.

“Why would you get crow’s feet?” one of the young girls asked wrinkling her nose and looking at Lacy’s boots. Another chorus of laughter rang in the cafeteria. Lacy watched as Carol leaned and explained to the girl what crow’s feet were pointing to her own eyes.

Lacy was growing more and more exhausted by the minute and the idea of her birthday was keeping her from paying much attention to the conversation anymore. She quietly walked along the wall towards the door praying that no one would stop her from retreating to solitude. Once she had cleared the door Lacey let out an audible sigh. Rather than return to her cell she decided to go out for some air. Lacy couldn’t have been outside for more than 5 minutes before she heard the door to the prison creek quietly open. Soft footsteps behind her told her exactly who it was. Daryl had found her.

“Hooters huh?” Daryl asked from behind her. Lacy scuffed

“I should have known that’s what you came to talk about” She smiled a genuine smile now.

“Nah, just don’t seem like ya.” Daryl pulled his cigarettes out of his chest pocket. Lacy’s eyes fell on them longingly before she quickly looked away focusing instead on the distant walkers roaming by the fence.

“ya want one?” Daryl asked a cigarette hanging between his lips the pack outstretched towards her. Lacy hesitated weighing her own desire out before caving and taking one. He held up his lighter for her and she took a quick drag to start it off. Lacy’s head rushed immediately. Daryl looked at Lacy’s smile after she exhaled. It seemed the smile was for herself. Happiness not projected for anyone but just there as is. When she had slipped out of the cafeteria Daryl decided to play chase.

“I’m not the same girl I used to be” Lacy said now, finding courage in the smoke she held in her lungs.

“I was weak, I was stupid, I had a job where I got paid to pretend I didn’t care when sleaze balls hit on me. I was all kinds of fucked up for reason I can’t even begin to explain nor will I ever. What I am now. What I had to become. This is the ‘me’ I want to be. At least now I don’t have to look at everyone I meet and wonder if they know, If they see all my dark secrets. I don’t have to worry that everything I was fighting to hide would come tumbling out into the light.” Lacy didn’t know why she was saying all that she was. Of all people Daryl would be the least likely to care but he as so easy to talk to. He didn’t say much which made it feel like he was listening whether he really was or not. Daryl was very aware of how close together they stood. He was afraid to even shift his weight in case it drew attention to their proximity and she stepped away. He chose instead to let his toes go numb on his left foot and enjoy the closeness a little longer.

“Yet even now I can’t escape that awful world we use to live in. There are still pieces that follow me everywhere. I actually prefer risking my life everyday to try and claim some kind of place in a group of people I know nothing about to facing those stupid fucking ghosts of a life I never wanted.”

“We all got ghosts.” Daryl’s voice seemed deeper than usual only emphasized by the shadow over his eyes and the scruff on his chin.

“yeah? What ghosts do you have?” Lacy asked skeptically. Daryl shook his head.

“Ghost a’ my’ brother, Ghost a’ my father, Ghost a’ me” He shrugged his shoulders and took another drag looking away from her. Lacy felt that a wall was down. Even in saying something so little he had opened up to her in a way. Really she hadn’t said much more than he had and to her it felt like opening up. She let her arm fall loose and felt as it brushed against Daryl’s legs. She quickly brought her arm back up and crossed placing her hand in the crock of the arm still holding her cigarette. She had not realized how close together they had been standing. Daryl shifted his weight now moving only so slightly to the right. He felt the relief of blood flowing into his toes as pins and needles shot through his foot.

“I’m sorry.” Lacy said without really knowing why.

“What for?” Daryl asked with an eye brow raised.

“I don’t know “Lacy blushed a little, she hoped the dark hid it from his view.

“No use in bein’ sorry if ya don’t know what for.” He leaned his head back against the brick exhaling straight into the air. The smoke caught the light as it danced away looking almost like a cloud in front of the moon. Lacy’s eyes trailed the smoke back down to his lips before quickly looking to the ground. Lacy put out her cigarette with great disappointment. She had wished it lasted longer. Daryl followed suit.

“We should head back in, make sure everyone’s alright” Daryl’s sense of personal responsibility for every member of the group was attractive to Lacy. She liked that he was always watching their backs, checking on everyone. He had this air about him as if he didn’t care but every action he took said something quite the opposite. He was just so… Daryl.

“Alright” Lacy was bold for a moment in walking in front of him towards the door. She stepped as close to him as she could while she did it feeling the air between her arm and his chest like electricity. He shoved off from the wall just a second to early lightly touching the fabric of his sleeveless button up to her back. The tension building in her made her blood pound in her ears. She scolded herself for such silliness but couldn’t help but enjoy every second of the dance she had going with him. Daryl had watched her pass him with intensity. He longed to reach out and touch her skin but denied himself even the littlest hope of ever acting on that desire.

He followed her back into the prison and caught himself taking her in as she walked. Her strong shoulders the slight swing of her hips the way her small hands fluttered by her sides. The walls of the hall they were in were cold and moist like cement often was but most noticeably it made the air seem stale after having been outside. The lack of windows made it impossible to see more than a few feet in front of your face which was in most cases a risky thing to deal with but now a days, probably the stupidest idea you could have. When Lacy had left the cafeteria Daryl had known somehow she would go outside. He also knew that, with it being the beginnings of night, she wouldn’t be safe wandering back. He had decided to go after her if only to make sure she got back safely, that was something Rick would have him do. That was why he went to her. That reason alone. Daryl’s denial was halted by Lacy’s sudden stop in the hall just before the door that lead back to the cell block. Lacy’s heart was pounding as the hall way walls closed in on her. No not now was all she could think as the claustrophobia reached up and closed its hand around her throat. She couldn’t face the bars of the cells right now but she also couldn’t face the brick walls that pressed from every side. Her breath was heaving and her chest was aching with the effort. She felt like she might explode from the pressure while also feeling that she would implode for the lack of space to explode into. Daryl’s eyes scanned the immediate area for any signs of danger when he found none he stepped up to look at Lacy wondering what it was that had made her stop. He saw beads of sweat on her forehead and panic in her eyes.

“What is it Red?” Daryl’s voice sounded miles away to Lacy. ‘Oh great he noticed you idiot. Fuck get it together now!’ Lacy’s own thoughts attacked her causing the situation to only escalate. ‘Control it Lacy you have to control it. You can’t be weak. Don’t let them see.’ She chanted in her mind anything she could to motivate her body to listen. She felt hands on her shoulders, the underwater distant voice reaching her again

“Lacy?” She tried to form words to assure him that she was fine but she couldn't make her voice work. The hand inside her throat tightened around her esophagus barley letting a whisper of air though. Lacy’s body was in full panic she felt the sudden urge to run as fast as she could back outside. Her mind no longer able to focus on one thought for more than a brief second kept the message from reaching her feet. She frantically tried to regain control of herself. What had caused this stupid attack she demanded for a moment? It occurred to Daryl now what exactly was happening, The pieces fit together. She left her cell door open at night something no one else in the camp did. She was constantly going outside and leaning in the far back of the group. Her words from early came back to him “There are still pieces that follow me everywhere”. She was claustrophobic. Daryl instantly backed a few feet away sensing his hands on her shoulders would only make things worse. He had no idea how to help her but he knew she needed to calm down.

“Hey, look at me. Not at the walls at me” Lacy focused hard on the blurry dark man in front of her
.
“Take a deep breath as much air as ya can”

“I.. Cant..” Lacy gasped, Daryl clapped his hands loudly making her jump a little.

“Bull shit. Let’s go. In and out nice and slow.” Lacy raggedly forced an inhale and let it sputter out.

“That was shit. Try again.” Daryl’s blue eyes bore into hers like the hottest part of a flame. Lacy closed her eyes and pushed her lungs, filling them with as much air as she could before exhaling again this time much stronger.

“There ya go red, yer getting’ there but if ya think that’ll due yer a fucking idiot, Try again.” This time when he challenged her Lacy’s eyes opened and she looked at Daryl with determination. Feeling the weight on her lifting she took in another big breath. She stood a little taller the slight quiver and weakness she was feeling greatly lessened by the oxygen in her blood.

“Y’alright?” Daryl asked now, sincerity in his eyes.

“Yeah.” Lacey answered embarrassed beyond words. She wasn't sure how he had figured everything out and known what to say to her. It amazed her how astute and quick he was in times of importance.

“Look Daryl, please don’t tell anyone. I usual can keep it under control” She pleaded with the man who had just saved her.

“Don’t ya think they should know?” Daryl asked skeptically

“The last thing I need is to be treated like an invalid, I’m fine I swear I just had a moment but it won’t happen again.” Daryl didn’t know if he agreed but it wasn’t his business. He nodded his head at Lacy he opened the door to the cell block and waited for her to go through. Lacy couldn’t meet his eyes anymore so instead looked darkly towards the ground. She b-lined straight for her cell before Daryl had time to close and lock the door behind him she was gone. It was getting late now and most of the other people around had begun making their way to their beds.

Daryl couldn’t do that though, he had too much on his mind. He climbed his way up the stairs to his favorite perch and sat on the railing. From their he could see Lacy’s open cell door as well as everyone else’s cells. He watched them all from above keeping a keen eye on the doors. He would sleep but not until he was sure that they were all safe for the night. No stranglers would escape his watch. Not tonight, not ever.