Here We Go Again

When I got back to California, for the life of me, I couldn't find the key for my car in the long-term parking lot.

"Are you fucking kidding me?!" I yelled out in frustration. I grabbed my suitcase once more and made my way out to hail a cab. When I finally got back home, it was as if everything was against me, because I couldn't find my house key either. I rang the doorbell and waited for my mom to answer. It was way past Eric's bedtime by now, so I assumed my mom was the only one awake. When the door was finally opened, my mom stared at me in shock. "Hi, mom," I said weakly.

"Nicole, what are you doing here?" she asked.

"Me and Will broke up," I said as I felt tears well up in my eyes. My mom pulled me into a hug and took me inside the house. When she let go of me, she grabbed my suitcase and shut the door behind us.

"I am so sorry, dear," she said as she moved a few strands of hair behind my ear. "Why don't you get washed up? Because I bet that flight was a bitch. And I'll make you some soup, okay?"

"Your special heartbreak soup?"

"Of course."

"Okay," I said with a sniffle. I grabbed my suitcase and made my way up the stairs to my room. My mom always made me her special heartbreak soup after a break up of mine. And I always thought it really helped. I didn't know if it would work this time around though.

I got to my room and dumped my suitcase near the door. I grabbed a towel and walked towards my bathroom. I shut and locked the door behind me before I undressed and got in the shower. My mom was right about that flight. It really was a bitch. I didn't want to cry on the plane with a bunch of complete strangers all around me. I didn't want to have that embarrassment with me for nearly eleven hours. So I held it in and didn't even break down in the bathroom of the plane, because if I did break down, I was scared I wouldn't stop. Here though, in the comfort of my own home, of my own bathroom, I could finally just let go. And so I did.



After an incredibly long shower, I finally got out and got dressed. I walked downstairs and my mom had just finished making the soup. I sat down at the kitchen table, waiting for the soup, but she put it on a tray instead.

"No, you're not eating down here. You're gonna eat in your bed," she said as she picked up the tray. I didn't argue with her and followed her to my room. I got comfortable in my bed before she placed the tray on my lap. She sat down next to me as I started to eat. And I was right about the soup. I didn't think this was going to exactly cut it this time around. It was good though having a nice home cooked meal. When I finished, my mom set the tray on my bedside table. "Feeling better?" she asked.

"A little," I said. "But I don't think it will work as well this time."

"I am so sorry, dear," she said as she pulled me into a hug. I hugged her back as I started to cry again.

"Mom, I don't know what to do," I said to her. She pulled away and looked at me.

"Oh honey..." she said before she pulled me into another hug.

"I have never given myself up so much to anyone as I have to Will. He's the only one who's seen every side of me." I felt a fresh batch of tears well up in my eyes. "I gave him everything, mom, everything!"

"You didn't give him everything," she tried to say.

"But I did!" I reasoned. "I gave him my heart, my soul, my... virginity," I finally said. She stopped hugging me and held me at arms length.

"You gave him what?" she sounded more shocked than angry. I sniffed before I replied.

"My virginity," I repeated. She stared at me for a good five seconds, her lips pursed, before she held me close to her again.

"Okay, honey, it's okay," she said. I could tell she wanted to ask me so many questions, but she knew that I wasn't ready for them right now.

"I feel so betrayed and... used..." I continued to sob into her shoulder.



The next day during breakfast, Eric finally found out I was back. Of course he was super excited about that, but he still asked why I was back and why Will wasn't with me. So I faked a smile and said that I missed them so I came back, and Will couldn't make it. I didn't think it was necessary at the moment for Eric to know that Will and I broke up.

After breakfast, I called Erin and told her I was back. She asked why I was back so soon and I told her what had happened. She didn't question it any further and said she would be here in about fifteen minutes. When she finally made it to my house, she enveloped me in a big hug.

"I'm so sorry," she said as she squeezed me tighter. "I brought comfort food." She pulled away from me and held up a plastic bag. "All of your favorites."

"Thanks, Erin," I said.

"It's the least I could. I hate to see my best friend in pain." I sent her a small smile before we both went upstairs to my room to start my break up recovery.



Erin spent the whole morning and most of her afternoon with me, trying to cheer me up. It helped a bit, but I was still pretty depressed about the whole thing. Around dinner time though, she had to leave because her parents wanted her home for dinner. She left saying she would stop by again tomorrow.

I wasn't really hungry, so I told my mom I wasn't going to eat. She asked if I was sure and I told her I was pretty tired, so I went upstairs to my room. This was the first time all day where I was actually by myself. And while I was, I started to think about everything.

Will had ended it so suddenly, I still couldn't quite believe it. We were doing so well, so why would he end it? And after I had given him everything? My chest felt tight from just thinking about it. Usually, I would have gone straight to cutting for something like this, but it took everything in me not to. I promised everyone I would stop and I really wanted to keep this promise. I couldn't let anyone down this time. Not even Will despite what happened.



When Erin came back again the next day at around three in the afternoon, I was still lying in my bed. I didn't really feel like getting up. My mom had brought up my breakfast, but I wasn't that hungry, so I didn't eat much. Erin came bearing gifts like chocolate again, but I couldn't eat much this time.

"Are you sure you don't want to eat any of this?" Erin asked me. "You love these," she said as she held up the bag.

"Yeah, I'm not really in the mood for that," I replied as I sat up in my bed.

"What do you want to do then? Do you want to go out?"

"No," I said quietly. "You think we could just watch a movie here or something?"

"Sure. I forgot to bring any of my movies, but I'm sure you have some."

"Yeah, just check downstairs in the living room," I said.

"Got it," she said as she left my room and headed downstairs. With a heavy sigh, I crawled out of my bed and walked towards my bathroom. I looked at myself in the mirror and my hair was in a mass of tangles. I shrugged it off and quickly brushed my teeth. When Erin came back to my room, I was running a brush through my hair. "I picked a movie," she called from my bed. I left the bathroom and sat back in the spot where I had been lying on all day.

"What'd you pick?"

"Some comedy," she said as she held up the DVD.

"No romance?" I asked as I read the title. I didn't think I could handle any romance movies at the moment.

"There shouldn't be."

"Alright. Put it in," I said. Erin stood up and popped the DVD into the player. As the movie started up, Erin sat next me and got comfortable. Halfway through the movie, my mind started wandering. I started to think about everything again. "Erin?" I asked.

"Hm?" she replied as she kept her eyes trained on the TV.

"Is it wrong of me to still love Will after everything that has happened?" I asked as a tear fell from my eye. She looked away from the movie and looked at me.

"Oh honey..." she said as she focused all her attention onto me and hugged me.

"I really love him and now he, I-i don't know..." I trailed off.

"Oh, Nicole, it's not wrong. You love him. A lot. It's gonna take some time though to get over him," she said as she pulled away from me.

"But I don't want to get over him. And I don't even think I can like I have in the past with other guys. He's different." Erin stared at me, a look of sadness on her face.

"I'm usually better at what to say to make you feel better. But I can't think of anything. I'm sorry," she replied quietly. I shook my head at her.

"You don't have to apologize and you don't need to say anything. You being here and trying to cheer me up is good enough for me," I said with a small smile. Erin eventually smiled back at me before she gave me another hug.

"Do you still want to watch the movie?" she asked me. I nodded.

"Sure. It's not like we have anything else to do right now." And so we continued to watch the movie in silence with Erin and I laughing at a few of the funny parts.



By the time Erin left for the day, it was dinner time. I knew my mom and Eric were worried about me, so I went downstairs to have dinner with them. I ate about half of my food before I told my mom I was done.

"Are you sure?" she asked me.

"I'm sure," I said quietly. She continued to stare at me in concern.

"But I wouldn't mind having a bit of dessert," I said to try to comfort her even though for once I didn't want any. I offered a smile and she eventually smiled back at me.

"Alright," she said as she got up from the table and went into the kitchen. As I waited for her, I started to absentmindedly fiddle with my wristband.

"When's Will gonna come visit again?" Eric asked innocently as he stuffed food into his mouth with a fork. I instantly tensed up at just the mention of his name.

"I," I started as I looked down at my lap. "I don't know."

"I really liked him," he said as he chewed his food.

"Me too, Eric, me too," I replied as my mom came back into the room and set a bowl of ice cream in front of me. I halfheartedly ate it as I thought about Will once again.