Falling Out

Adrienne parked the rental car at the biggest Surf Style in Gulf Shores. She had decided to make today a "just us girls" day with Brittney tagging along with us. I felt like my breakfast from this morning was going to rise and spew out of me. I was so nervous that I felt like I was going to faint.

We walked into the shop and it was huge. It was two stories with so many bathing suits and beach things and tourist crap. They also had a small food shop on the first floor and a big candy shop on the second. They also sold novelty shirts, pool accessories like goggles and those noodle things. They had toys and typical tourist items. I thought I was overwhelmed last night but nothing compares to how I feel right now.

Adrienne turned to me. I think she knew how I was feeling because she gave me a reassuring smile.

“You can get a two piece or a one piece. You can also get a cover up if you don’t feel comfortable showing so much skin. You can get whatever you want in here, okay?” I just nodded. I followed behind the two ladies into the bathing suit section. They were chatting about something but I wasn’t really paying attention; I was concentrating on how I was going to hide my scars. I knew I was getting a cover up but all the ones that I had found so far were either strapless or sleeveless. I didn’t even care about finding a bathing suit right now. I just need a cover up. I felt really desperate.

As I ventured off from Adrienne and Brittney and rummaged through racks and racks of beach clothing, I sighed in relief. I quickly grabbed the white, long sleeved cover up. I didn’t care that it was short or that it was see through in the back. The fabric was thin and I knew if I was to go on the beach I wouldn’t be as hot.

I held it in my arms. I was so happy that I had found a long sleeve cover up that I almost felt like crying. I know I must have looked weird, looked pathetic even, blubbering over this cover up but I felt like some weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

I looked up to see if anyone was watching me. When I saw that no one was, I walked deeper into the bathing suits. They had so many colors and types. It was hard to choose one. I wound up bumping into Adrienne and Brittney.

“Ooo, that is a pretty cover up.” Brittney said as she touched it.

“Yeah, I think so, too.” I told her. I saw her face brighten.

“I have the perfect one piece for it.” She grabbed my arm and dragged me to the left where there were mostly one piece bathing suits. She grabbed a red one piece with small while polka dots. The straps tied around the neck.

“Well?” She asked. I was in love with it. I didn’t think I was comfortable to wear a bikini and I was glad Brittney had found this one.

“I like it.” I told her. Adrienne nodded.

“Yes. It is very pretty. And you know that it comes in two more colors. Get all three! It’s good to have variety.” Adrienne grabbed the other two bathing suits and put them in my arms.

“Do you want to try them on?” Brittney asked. I shook my head.

“No, I’m fine. I’m pretty sure they’ll fit me.” She nodded. We spent about thirty more minutes there. While we were there, Adrienne tried on at least 10 bikinis. As she pulled the curtain to reveal each suit, I grew a little jealous of her. She had the perfect body, in my opinion. She wasn’t a stick like me but she was curvy. She looked so good in all the bikini’s she tried on. Brittney did as well. She wasn’t as skinny as me but she was tall and had that model body. I had zero figure. No boobs, no butt, no curves.

Once we finished at the bathing suit shop, we went to lunch at Hooters. After we ordered our food and our drinks arrived girl asked to take a picture with Adrienne. She had recognized her as Billie Joe’s wife. Before the girl left, she looked at me. She stared at me for a solid three seconds before she walked away. She probably realized I was the girl in the picture in that trashy magazine. It was weird that someone had noticed her. Not that she wasn't worth noticing but the fact that some people actually knew what the families of Green Day looked like was still beyond me.

“That doesn’t bother you?” I asked Adrienne as she cracked some crab legs opened. She just shrugged.

“Not really. It doesn’t happen that often when I am without Billie. And if it wasn’t for Green Day’s fans, I probably wouldn’t be sitting here right now. So I try to show them as much love as I can. Some of them are legit crazy but most are pretty cool.” Brittney turned to me.

“Do you think that girl recognized you? It seemed like she was glaring at you.” I just shrugged as I took a bite out of the burger I ordered.

“Probably.” Adrienne frowned at me.

“I’m sorry that happened to you. It took me years to get used to the paparazzi. And now with American Idiot being so huge, it seems like they are worse.” I didn’t say anything. I didn’t want to talk about it anymore.

When we got back to the condo, the boys ran up to us.

“Did you buy me something?” They yelled. I went to the room as Adrienne handed them their toys that she had gotten them. I gently shut the door and sighed. It was quiet. No more talking. No more pressure. No more glaring. I walked over to the bed and dumped the bags. After we had ate we went to the outlet mall and Adrienne bought me some new clothes. She even insisted on buying me some Ray Ban sunglasses that cost $200, even though I continued to protest.

It was a little of a culture shock, though. I was used to Jim and Carol penny pinching, living from pay check to pay check. And Adrienne easily spent $600 in only a few hours and half that was on me. I am very grateful of her gifts but it was something that I had to get used to.

Once I was finished I walked back into the living room. The boys were at the counter eating bananas.

“We are probably going to go to the beach later if you want to come,” Adrienne told me as she set juice boxes in front of them.

“Okay,” I told her. I turned and began walking out on the balcony.

“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know you were out here,” I said once I saw Billie out here. He looked up from his guitar.

“It’s cool. You can come sit if you want. I was just fucking around.” I walked over to the rocking chair and sat down. I brought my legs up and managed to squeeze my whole body in the chair with movement to spare. Billie started to strum his guitar as I looked out at the view. It was probably one of the most beautiful things that I have seen, even in midday like this. The water was a crystal blue and there were no clouds in the sky. The breeze was whirling around me and I could still hear the water crashing into itself from way up here. With Billie’s playing, it was a peaceful moment.

“You aren’t hot wearing that long sleeve shirt?” He asked me. I turned to look at him.

“No really. The fabric is thin.” He nodded.

“Why do you wear them?” My heart started beating. Why was he all of a sudden asking me these questions? Was I slipping in hiding the way I cope?

I started to feel the anxiety bubbling up. I try to suppress it back down but Billie was still staring at me, waiting for me to answer, and making me feel nauseous. Just say something!

“Um...it was, uh, a way I hid...what was going on with me. I don’t feel comfortable in short sleeve shirts anymore.” I stammered out. He frowned and nodded. He didn’t push it further. I sighed a tiny bit in relief.

Billie started strumming his guitar. I watched him. It was amazing how with just a few hand positions of his left hand and the steady rhythm of his right made beautiful music. I was always amazed by instruments and how they worked; how they were able to create sounds that literally took people places. I never took music for granted. I barely got to listen to it but when I did I took it all in. I took it in like it was the last time I would listen to it, even if it was the same old songs every time. My mother taught me to appreciate music and treat it as a whole separate entity from the world. It was bigger than us, bigger than me and that it should be in control as you listened. It should take you where you need to go, not where you want to go. As I listened to Billie’s steady rhythm of notes pour out of his guitar, recognizing it as ‘She’, I did what my mom has always told me. I let the music take me wherever it wants me to go.

My seven year old self looked at my poor mother. She was tied with wires and tubes going in her nose that made it even harder to look at her. It was just her, me, and her portable record player in the room. And of course she had Dookie playing. I laid in her arms, trying not to cry. She was so weak. When ‘She’ started, I felt her tap my arms. I looked at her, tears in my eyes. When I looked deeper in her eyes I saw that they had faded. The once beautiful and courageous woman that made me dance in the living room with her was almost gone. I had this feeling that she wasn’t going to make it to tomorrow.

“Amber,” her voice was hoarse and tears filled her eyes, “I love you...so much. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. You are so beautiful and I will miss your voice the most. When you get older you will find out things that will confuse you and probably make you very upset with me. I’ve kept things away from you that I know I shouldn’t have but just know that everything that I have done was for love. It was for love. Even though you are seven years old and probably won’t get what I am about to tell you, I still need you to know. Don’t ever give up on love. Don’t ever give up on your dreams. You will be the most beautiful bride; the most beautiful mother; and the most beautiful person. I know it.” She leaned down and kissed my forehead and smiled at me.

“I love you so much. I wish I wasn’t leaving you. I don’t want to go.” She started crying harder.

“I love you, too, Mommy.” Mom squeezed me with all her strength. We stayed like that until the end of the song, where she gave her last breath singing.

“Amber?” I snapped back. I looked at Billie.

“Are you okay?” My face felt a few degrees colder when the wind hit it. I realized I was crying. I quickly wiped my face but that didn’t work. I started to cry more. I missed my mother so much. Billie sat his guitar down and walked over to me. He got on his knees in front of me. He didn’t try to touch me, he just knelt there.

“I wish she was still here.” I said after I had calmed down. I looked at him.

“She loved you so much. She did.” Billie wiped the bottom of my eyes with his thumb as he took in what I told him. I let him.

“I know she did. I loved her, too. What were you just thinking about her?”

“The day she died. She was listening to ‘She’ and told me that what she did, she did out of love. I never knew what she was talking about. Well, I thought she was talking about leaving me with Jim and Carol but now I realized she was talking about you and why she never told you about me. Now that I look back, well back enough that I remember, every day we would listen to your music. I think she thought, since you weren’t physically in my life, that your music would suffice for me to know you. She never talked about you, though.” Billie just took in what I was saying, not saying anything. I don’t know if what I was saying made things worse.

We stayed like this, Billie kneeling in front of me and me just sitting there. We were both in our heads, thinking about my mother.

“You want to learn how to play guitar?” He asked me randomly. I gave a small smile.

“Sure.” We both got up. He told me to sit down on the outside couch as he went inside and brought out another guitar. He handed it to me. For the next thirty minutes he taught me a few chords.