Falling Out

I sat in the bathtub with a knife in my shaking hand. I rocked back and forth, tears pouring down my face as the water from the shower above fell on top of me. I clenched my teeth, trying to make myself stop because Jim and Carol didn’t like me crying and they always knew when I spilled water from my eyes. But I was so tired of it. Tired of everything. I had already cut myself six times. They were as deep as a dull steak knife could cut. I placed the knife on the tinder part of my wrist. Only one time. That’s all it would take and they wouldn’t find me soon enough to save me. I just needed to do it one more time and I can be at peace.

What a bastard. Why did he do that to me? My body betrayed me when he decided to do something new tonight, taking this thing that has been happening for five years now to a whole new level of fucked up. And I couldn’t stop it. I couldn’t tell him no.

My mind began to race; going back and forth until it started to give me a headache.

You should do it. Just do it. Your life would be so much better. Just end it.

Mom wouldn’t like it. She would want you to survive this. Just give it a couple more years and you’ll be out of here.

Are you sure you will be even alive in a couple years? A couple minutes? You can do it.

No. Yes. No. YES! NO!

I dropped the knife and took in a deep breath. I felt like I was drowning. I leaned my head back against the pasty tile wall and closed my eyes. After a few seconds, I managed to control my breathing. I looked down at my legs and stared at the new bruises that were red and the yellowish-brownish of the old bruises that were disappearing. I turned my gaze back to my arm, it bloody and jagged from the cuts I did with the dull steak knife. I ran my hands over the cuts, them stinging with my touch. I stood up and began scrubbing my body, trying to make it as clean as possible and to get rid of all the grossness that was happening to me.

I jolted from my sleep. My face and pillow was wet with tears. I sat up and wiped my face. I pulled up my sleeve and looked at my scars. I could pick out the six cuts from my dream. They were thick, big, and ugly. They weren’t my first but they weren’t too far from the first. I was 15 and it was the first time Jim had taken what he was doing to me too far. I cared what he was doing to me, I did, but that night when he started performing oral sex on me, it made me feel even more disgusting because my body liked it. My body betrayed me.

I ran my hand through my hair. Of all the things to ‘dream’ about, why did my subconscious choose that night? I shook my head and pulled my sleeve back down. I needed to stop thinking.

I grabbed my phone and saw that it was 35 minutes past noon. I was shocked that I slept this late again.

I got out of bed and went to take a shower. When I was done I brushed my teeth and got dressed. After I put the clothes on that I bought yesterday, I looked at myself in the mirror. It was this dark orange long sleeve shirt with lace on the shoulders and a big, abstract fox on the front and some gray skinny jeans and my mint green Converse. It took me forever to find a long sleeve shirt. When we couldn’t find one in the fancy stores Adrienne took me to we had to go to a thrift store, which had an abundance of long sleeve shirts.

“Man, I haven’t shopped at a thrift store in forever.” Adrienne said as we sifted through the long sleeved shirts on the rack. I just smiled at her. Adrienne broke the few minutes of silence.

“Why do you wear long sleeve shirts all the time?” Adrienne asked. My stomach dropped. I hated when people asked me that question. I never knew what to say. But since Adrienne knew what happened to me, I could be a little honest.

“Um, I wore them to hide my bruises. Carol made me wear them all the time. She made me wear all long clothing, actually. But I don’t feel comfortable wearing short sleeves so I just stick with what I am comfortable.” Adrienne nodded.

“I get it. Maybe one day you’ll feel comfortable with wearing short sleeve shirts in the future.” I nodded.

“Maybe...”

I put my hair up in a messy bun, it still wet. I checked my phone again. 1:15 PM. I sighed in nervousness. I mean, what am I doing? Am I really going to this person’s house that I barely even knew? I shook my head and walked out of the room. I need to stop thinking.

“Whoa, hot momma!” Tre shouted. My eyes widened and cheeks became red. I then noticed that everyone was here. Why do they always have to come here? Why can’t they stay in their own condo?

“Really, Tre? Really?” Billie said. Tre just laughed.

“Chill, I was just kidding.” Tre reassured. Billie didn’t say anything. Brittney smiled at me.

“You look nice. Are you excited about tonight?” Of course they were all informed of what I was doing tonight. These people shared everything with each other. I guess I couldn’t blame Adrienne and Billie for telling everyone. They were probably ecstatic to get me out of the condo for a few hours because who wants a mopey, rape victim, abused, teenage girl ruining their vacation and not being nice to their son. I mean, I was definitely making Adrienne’s life difficult because of my clothing choices. And for heaven’s sake, I was crying the second day I got here because I had a flashback of my mother. I’m an emotional wreck and I am ruining these people’s lives who don’t deserve it.

As if knowing I was belittling myself in my mind, Tre jumped up from the couch and stood next to me.

“Of course she is excited! She gets to get away from all us old people for a few hours.” I walked away and went out on the balcony. A few seconds later, Tre came out.

“Hey, what’s up?”

“Nothing. I just had a rough dream last night and it brought my whole mood down.” Tre gave me a slanted smile.

“Want to talk about it?” I brought my legs up and rested my chin on them.

“No.” I said simply. I looked out at the beach. There were so many people enjoying this beautiful day.

“Okay but you know you can talk to me.” I nodded. After sitting on the balcony for a few minutes we decided to go back in because it was a little too hot. I sat on a chair, my cell phone in hand, and listened to the conversation that was going on around me. I tried not to think too negatively and concentrate on the voices that were swarming around me, which seemed to distract me well. When 5:00 rolled in, my stomach was in knots. At 5:02 Donovan texted me that he was on his way.

“I guess that’s my cue to leave.” Billie said when I looked up from my phone. I gave him a small smile.

“He’s on his way.” Billie, along with the rest of Green Day, got up.

“I know when I am not welcomed anymore,” he said melodramatically. He smiled at me.

“Have fun tonight. Don’t worry about too much, okay? And if you happen to get drunk, call me and I’ll come get you.” I nodded, too nervous to speak. When they walked out of the condo, my stomach dropped. Adrienne put her hands on my shoulders.

“Breathe through your nose and out of your mouth. You are too young to have a heart attack.” I nodded. I wasn’t going to do it but I need to.

“I’ll be right back.” I turned around and walked into the room. I found the orange bottle and took a pill. I became mad at the pill for not kicking in right away so I went into the bathroom. I grabbed the shaving razor and lifted my sleeve. My hands were shaking with anticipation. It was like I could feel it before I was about to do it.

I sighed in relief when I did it. So much relief. I felt like my body had burst and all the tension and nerves that was building up inside me, let out and I was filled with calmness and tranquility.

But I started to feel guilty when I wrapped the cuts with toilet paper. They weren’t too deep and clotted quickly but if I can’t handle this one event how can I handle school in the upcoming weeks?

I flushed the paper down the toilet and walked over to the sink. I grabbed some mouthwash and swished for a few seconds before spitting out. I sprayed some perfume that Adrienne bought me and took my bun down, my hair super wavy. I pulled my sleeve down and nodded at myself in the mirror before walking out just in time for Adrienne to answer the door.

“Hello,” Donovan greeted, smiling.

“Hello, my name is Adrienne,” she greeted, smiling. He shook her hand.

“Donovan.” He walked in and she shut the door. I don’t know what I was expecting. Well, I had a little expectation. For some reason I thought he would show up in a sleeveless shirt and some shorts but that was not the case. He was wearing black skinny jeans with a studded belt, a white t-shirt and a jean jacket. His hair was sculpted perfectly and his eyes were bright. When he saw me, he smiled. When he smiled at me, I started to feel even guiltier at what I just did. I had overreacted and now I’m going to spend this amazing night not fully myself.

“You look awesome.” He said. I felt like I was going to throw up.

“You, too.”

“So, what time are you going to bring her back?” Adrienne asked Donovan as she saw that I was struggling.

“Oh, um, probably about nine-ish. Is that cool?” Adrienne smiled.

“That’s fine. What part of Berkeley do you live in?”

“Oh, I live a few blocks from the school, in the Allston Place Apartments in downtown Berkeley.” Adrienne nodded.

“Well, I don’t want to keep you two kids from you guys’ crazy night. Have fun!” Adrienne said. She nodded at me with a small smile, telling me through her eyes that I was going to be fine and to calm down. At least, that is what I thought she was saying; hoping she was trying to convey that to me.

“Cool, I’ll talk to you later, Mrs. Adrienne.” Adrienne chuckled.

“Just call me Adrienne. Mrs. Adrienne makes me feel old.” He nodded and smiled. We walked out and got on the elevator. We didn’t say anything as we went down or when we walked out of the lobby. To say it wasn’t awkward would be an understatement. I wanted to talk to him but I didn’t know how exactly. I didn’t know what to ask. I didn’t know how to have a productive conversation with someone the same age as me. I had problems trying to talk to Tre the first night I met him, it wasn’t different with this person.

When we were halfway to where he was taking me, Donovan broke our silence.

“Your step-mom looks familiar.” I blanched. Now I’m not feeling all too guilty about taking that pill.

“How so?” I asked. He just shrugged.

“I don’t know. It seems like I’ve seen her somewhere. She could just have one of those familiar faces, you know?” I just nodded, not sure what to say.

“You don’t talk much, do you?” I looked at him and smiled.

“Sorry, I just haven’t had that much interaction with people-” I stopped myself. I was revealing too much. I ran my hand through my hair, trying to calm my nerves.

“I mean, I’m an introvert, basically,” I said, clasping my hands together in front of me. He nodded.

“It’s cool. But, just so you know, my family is not introverted at all so they will probably talk a lot and want to get to know you. Especially my twin sister.” My ears perked at him having a twin sister. I never met twins.

“You have a twin? That’s cool.” He smiled.

“I guess. She’s kind of crazy, but all siblings are. She’ll tell you the exact same thing about me.” I laughed a little. After a few more minutes of walking we finally made it to Donovan’s grandparent’s house.

“So, I have to warn you that there are a lot of people in here and they know that I am bringing you and all but they might want to talk to you or something. But I get that you aren’t a people person so I will try and rush you through there. Just don’t freak out, okay?” I nodded. It was weird that we have only known each other for a few days, hardly even talking that much, yet he still could tell that large crowds made me nervous.

We walked in and it was pretty much full of so many unfamiliar faces. I tried to keep my brave face on but on the inside I was literally screaming. I hardly noticed Donovan grabbing me by my elbow and leading me through all these people. I was trying to concentrate on not publicly embarrassing myself by freaking out. No one seemed to notice us because they were all talking about family things and what was going on in their lives. We managed to get by most of the masses but right when we were about to cross the finish line, this woman stopped us.

“Donovan, is this your lady friend that you have been talking about?” I looked at the woman. She was an older woman, probably a little bit older than Adrienne, with dark brown hair and piercing blue eyes, like Donovan’s. Her face looked older than she was and her hands had multiple burn marks that looked like they have seen many grills. She had a soft smile but her eyes looked worn.

I looked at Donovan and saw that his face flushed. I then realized what she had said. He has been talking to me about people. It was weird thinking that someone who I have only talked to a handful of times, talked about me to other people. It was a strange feeling, one that I have never experienced and couldn’t put a name to it.

“Mom...” Donovan trailed off. He looked at me and smiled.

“This is Amber. Amber, this is my mom, Lenox.” She grabbed my hand and shook it. It happened so fast that I didn’t even feel the normal anxiety I felt when someone unknown, of even known, touched me.

“That’s a cool name.” I complimented. She smiled at me.

“I get that all the time. Well, Amber, I am pleased to meet you. I’ll let you two kids go have fun.” She smiled before walking off. Donovan led me through the backdoor to the beach that was literally in his grandparent’s backyard. I could see a small fire with about ten teenagers surrounding it. As we walked towards them I couldn’t help but love the view. The sun was slowly setting, casting light purples and pinks into the clouds. I started to feel calm as we got closer to the beach, the waves lulling my nerves to calm. Or maybe that was the pill. Either way, it was nice.

As we got closer to the group I could smell chicken being cooked. They had chicken on a spit above the fire. It was kind of cool. Around the small fire were logs that people sat on. Everyone had drinks in their hands and were laughing at something someone had said.

“Hey guys,” Donovan said. Everyone turned to look at us. I tried to keep my cheeks from flooding with blood but I couldn’t stop it. I wasn’t used to people staring.

“Guys, this is Amber. She’s from California.” He introduced. Everyone gave me some sort of recognition from a small nod to waves. This one girl with bright green hair stood up and walked over to us.

“Dude, you are way prettier than I pictured. Usually my brother dates not-so-pretty girls.” She said. I didn’t know what to say so I just nodded.

“Really, Felicia? We aren’t dating so stop being overt.” Felicia rolled her eyes but smiled afterwards. We walked over to the rest of the group and Donovan introduced me to everyone. Once the formalities were out of the way we sat down on a log and I just became spectator, chiming in when I was asked something. The pill was taking affect and I was feeling calm. Soon, the chicken was done and ate.

To tell you the truth, I was kind of jealous. I wasn’t kind of jealous, I was really jealous. Donovan had this amazing family that he seemed to enjoy spending time with and I hadn’t had it in a long time. I know I technically do now but I was too damaged to enjoy anything with them and I hated it. I looked out onto the beach. It had gotten dark about thirty minutes ago.

My mind wandered to the only other time I went to the beach. It was with my mom and Jane, one of mom coworkers, and her son, Brian. I was six years old and was having the time of my life.

“That’s a nice castle, Amber. You are so talented in sand art.” Mom complimented. I looked at my sandcastle. It wasn’t that great but it made me feel better that she said that. I looked back at my mom and smiled at her.

“Thank you, Mommy.” She smiled and put her sunglasses back on, lying next to Jane on a towel and getting a tan. I started to stare at my mother. She looked like a mermaid, really. With her long dark hair and porcelain skin that started to get a little sun made her magical in my eyes. Too bad this moment would be the last moment I was truly happy because tomorrow we would find Gran dead in her bed.

“Want to go for a walk?” Donovan asked after he noticed I was quiet. I nodded, put down my plate and stood up. I hope he didn’t think I was rude for not being in the conversation and in my own head.

“We’ll be right back.” Donovan told everyone. They just nodded, not really caring. I caught his sister’s eye. She gave me a small smile before turning her attention to one of her cousins. We started walking along the shore, the breeze strong. I crossed my arms around my chest. Donovan stuck his hands in his pockets.

“I would offer you my jacket but I’ll be frozen if I did.” I chuckled.

“It’s okay. I’ll survive, I promise.” He smiled. We were a silent for a few moments.

“You having fun?” I nodded.

“Yeah, I am. I never experienced anything like this.” I told him honestly. He nodded.

“What have you experienced?” I glanced at him before looking back down. I didn’t want to tell him anything that happened to me. I wanted to keep that part of my life from him. If I tell him anything that had happened to me it might freak him out and send him running. Plus, I didn’t even know him all that well.

“Um...not much.” I said stupidly. I rolled my eyes at myself.

“Sheltered?” I nodded.

“It’s cool. That’s actually pretty good because now, when we meet back up in California, I can show you all kinds of stuff. To quote Aladdin, ‘I can show you the world; shiny, shimmering, splendid.’” I gave him a look.

“Who?” He stopped dead in his tracks. I turned to look at him, his mouth wide open.

“You cannot tell me you never saw Aladdin? The best Disney movie to ever exist?” I looked down. Of course I’ve never seen that movie. The last movie I remember watching was Sleeping Beauty because that was my mother’s favorite movie.

“Geez when you said you were sheltered I thought you meant like no music or friends over but you meant sheltered, sheltered; like having your childhood ripped out from you and not being able to watch great movies.” Well, he was right about that even though he was being dramatic. We began walking again.

“When you come back to Berkeley you will definitely, definitely be watching Aladdin.” I smiled.

“So, you still want to hang out with me when we get back? You aren’t saying this just to be nice or anything?” I was shocked that I asked that. Where did that come from?

“Heck yeah. You’re pretty cool for, you know, not seeing Aladdin and all.” He bumped his shoulder against mine as he said it. Eventually, we turned back around and walked back to the group. After being there for another hour it was time for me to get back to the condo. I said goodbye to everyone and Donovan began to walk me home. We were in a comfortable silence on our way back to the condo. Mostly because we were trying not to get ran over when we crossed streets.

When we walked into the lobby I turned to Donovan.

“You don’t have to walk me back up there.” I told him. I was afraid that Billie might be there.

“Okay. Look, when you get back to California, text me. Or you can text me tonight, doesn’t matter. I had fun hanging out with you.” I nodded.

“So did I.” Before I could say anything, Donovan wrapped his arms around me for a hug. I didn’t mean to tense up, which after I did he quickly backed off.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to freak you out.” I shook my head.

“No, it’s not your fault. I was just caught off guard. I’m sorry.” He gave me a lopsided smile.

“I’ll see you later. Goodnight, Amber.” Before I could say anything, he was out. I walked to the elevator and pressed 14. As it began going up, I ran my hand through my hair and sighed. That sigh was many things. It was relief, happiness, sadness, and, of course, nervousness.

I was relieved that this night was coming to an end. It was an awkward, but fun, night. I was happy that I actually made a friend, something that I have always longed for. I was sad because tonight I wasn’t all there. Not because of the pill but because I kept on ruminating on what happened to me and bringing my happy moments back down. And I was nervous because I have no clue what my future is going to look like now that Donovan will be in it especially after he gave me that hug.

As I walked off the elevator I began to think. Even though I hated being abused by those people I always knew what tomorrow held. I always knew that I would wake up, take a shower, fix some type of breakfast, get yelled at and hit on because my cooking sucks, go to school, come home and go back to my room, get yelled at and hit on more, and go to bed, waiting for what was bound to happen next. But now, with Donovan, the Armstrong’s and the rest of Green Day in my life, I don’t know what is going to happen and it’s bittersweet.

When I walked into the condo, no one was to be seen. I sighed in relief and closed the door. I walked into the living room and sat down on the couch. After a few seconds of sitting there, my phone dinged. I pulled it out of my pocket and smiled when I saw it was Donovan.

Hey, I just wanted to tell you that I had an awesome time tonight. You are pretty cool. Oh, I also wanted to tell you that I made it back without getting attacked by the Commando Elite’s leader who hates the Gorgonites. I stared at the screen, not knowing what he was talking about. Must be another movie reference.

Glad to know, I think. What or who are the Gotgonites? I replied.

Really? You have never seen Small Soldiers? What have you seen? He replied a few seconds later.

I have seen Sleeping Beauty.

Of course you have! You’ve seen a movie where the princess is sheltered for her whole life. I bet you can relate to her! lol I laughed. But I confused on what ‘lol’ meant.

“What’s so funny?” I looked up and saw Billie in the kitchen.

“What are you doing up?” I asked. He lifted an eyebrow at me. My heart skipped a beat and I immediately sunk down. He looked angry that I questioned him. How can I be so stupid?

“I’m sorry. That’s none of my business.” Billie smiled at me.

“I wasn’t being stern with my eyebrow raise. I was trying to be funny. I guess that didn’t come across. I’m sorry for making you feel like you’ve done something wrong.” He walked to the refrigerator and grabbed a water out of it.

“And to answer your question, I was getting something to drink while making sure you got home.” He walked around the counter and sat down in a chair that was beside the couch. He opened his water and took a sip out of it. I just stared at him as he did, feeling conflicted with myself. I need to stop being so jumpy.

“Why are you staring at me? Is my hair everywhere?” I looked down.

“Sorry.” He chuckled.

“You say that word too much.” I was about to say it again but I stopped myself.

“Anyway, what were you laughing at earlier?” He asked.

“Because I told Donovan that the last movie I remembered watching was Sleeping Beauty and he told me that he believes it because I could relate to the sheltered princess.” Billie raised his eyebrow.

“How does he know that you were sheltered?”

“Because we started talking about experiences and-”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” Billie said with waved hands, being dramatic again.

“Why are you two talking about experiences and what kind of experiences?” I couldn’t help but laugh a little.

“I just told him that I hadn’t experienced, you know, being around a lot of people because I was standoffish and he asked if I was sheltered and I thought that was a better, vague explanation then what actually happened.” He nodded.

“Are you ever going to tell him?” I shook my head.

“Why?” I raised my eyebrow at him this time.

“Because he doesn’t need to know that part of me. I don’t want to even be friends with him because I know this won’t go anywhere but down because it’s me we are talking about. I always get the short straw.” Billie frowned. I started to feel uncomfortable talking about this.

Billie only knew what I want him to know. He knows that my uncle raped me, the abuse, and that I almost lost my life. He doesn’t know how far my uncle took things with me and how many times I came to almost losing my life, both in my aunt and uncle’s hands and my own, or that I cut myself. And he will never know.

“I’m going to go to bed. Goodnight.” I got up. I heard Billie say goodnight as I gently closed the door. As I started taking off my clothes, I got this overwhelming feeling of being tired, both mentally and physically. I haven’t felt this tired in a long, long time. I decided to not put any night clothes on and just sleep in my underwear. I lied down in the bed and, after texting Donovan goodnight, I went to sleep instantly, hoping that I wouldn’t have any nightmares or even dreams.