Falling Out

I placed the last piece of luggage on the bed. We had just gotten back from Alabama. I lied down and let out a big breath. I didn’t pack that much when I went to Alabama but it seems like my luggage doubled now that I am back. I didn’t realize that I shopped a lot. I was only lying down for a few minutes before there was a knock at the door. Billie opened the door a few seconds later.

“So, I know that we just got back and all but school is starting in two weeks and I want to tell you that we have a lot to do. You have a doctor’s appointment in a few days, we have to get you registered at BHS and get school supplies, we have to get your license, we have-”

“Wait, what? My license? I don’t even know how to drive.” Billie nodded, like he already knew this.

“I kind of figured. I’m going to teach you. It’s easy, like riding a bike.” I nodded. I didn’t want to tell him that I had never ridden a bike.

“I also got a call from the land lord of your aunt and uncle’s house...” I looked down.

“He told us that we have to get all of their crap out of the house by the end of the week. I told him he can throw it all away for all I care but I figured you might have left something there or you might want to go and see if they have pictures of your mom or something. We have to do it tomorrow.” I nodded, not saying anything. I thought I had gotten away from that place for good. I guessed wrong.

“Do you need to go shopping for new clothes?” Billie asked, changing the subject. I shook my head.

“No, I don’t, but knowing Adrienne she will want me to get new clothes.” Billie chuckled.

“Yeah, for someone so cool she likes a lot of clothes. I don’t care either way.” Billie’s eyes wondered the room. When he started walking towards my desk, I started to get nervous. I felt like I was going to throw up when he picked up my butterfly box and shook it, the razor rattling.

“This is a cool box. What’s in it?” He asked, trying to open it but had no luck. I took a big gulp.

“Um, just something Mom gave me.” He put the box down.

“Oh... we also have to get you a car.” He said so nonchalantly. My mouth fell open.

“Really? A car?” He looked at me.

“Yeah. Nothing too fancy. I mean, you will be getting a new car but nothing like a Jag or Lamborghini. You know, something that will drive well and last.”

“You don’t have to get me a car. I can work or something and get my own car.” Billie shook his head.

“Amber, it’s okay to get things in life handed to you sometimes, especially when, up until this point, it has sucked for you. I want to do this for you so you can have an easy year for a change and only have to worry about school work, friends that you will make, and...boys, if you must.” I smiled a little. He said the last part with mock disgust. It was funny.

“So, will you let your dear-old Billie buy you a car and whatever else that you may need in the future without any confrontation?” I nodded.

“Awesome. Well, I better go unpack before Adrienne has a hissy fit. We are more than likely going out to eat tonight because we don’t have any food here.” I nodded. He left, shutting the door behind him. I sat on the bed and sighed.

I started to feel a little weird about that conversation. Not about getting a car or anything but because he didn’t refer to himself as my father. He referred himself as Billie, which is what I called him but, I don’t know. I shouldn’t be upset about it but it was kind of like him saying that I wasn’t his daughter. I don’t call him dad or father or anything but why wouldn’t he call himself my father? Why did he refer to himself as Billie?

I sat down and ran my hand through my hair. I looked at my butterfly box, biting my lip. I started imagining that blade in my hand, feeling its cold sting against my skin. I closed my eyes. I hadn’t done it so long and I felt like I was coming up with stupid excuses to do it. But I don’t have to have an excuse. I could just do it if I wanted to.

I opened my eyes and stared at the box. What would it hurt to do it? I mean, I will still feel the same relief, the same rush of the feel good feeling.

But if I have to have a reason, the thoughts of Billie possibly not claiming me as his daughter a few seconds ago is good enough. I still feel hurt about it.

I got up and walked over to the butterfly box. I opened it and pulled out my blade. I raised my sleeve up and looked at my arms. My arm was practically stained with discolored scars. I sat the blade down and took off my shirt completely, my bra covering me. I picked the blade back up and placed it just above my inner elbow. And I did it. The lucky number six.

I sat on the ground because I felt a little light headed. I missed this. I grabbed the paper towels from under my bed and placed them over the cuts, sucking the blood up. It took longer for the blood to clot, this new area of skin seeming to be bleeding more than normal. I just sat there, my bare back against the wall, eyes closed, breathing calmly.

But that was short lived with a ding of my cell phone. I grabbed it and saw that Donovan had texted me.

Hey, did you make it? You kind of went silent on me.

I totally forgot that I was supposed to text him when I made it back. I texted him that I was back and that I was probably going to go sleep. I put the phone down and looked at my arm. The cuts had stopped bleeding. I looked at the paper towels. They were so bloody. I just stared at the blood, amazed that it came from me and that it was on purpose.

I took the bloody paper towel and shoved it under my desk along with the whole roll. I would throw it away later. I grabbed my shirt and put it back on. I started to feel tired and overwhelmed by everything. I got up and lied on the bed. A few minutes later I went to sleep.

I sat at the shore of the beach listening to the waves slowly roll on by. I watched as water fizzed by me, taking a few particles of sand with it as it ran away. I looked to my left and saw a woman wearing a black flowy dress that went in the same direction as the wind walking towards me. Her wavy hair floated in the wind. As she got closer, she looked more haunted. She sat next to me and crossed her legs. Her skin was pale white with black marks all over her body.

I realized she was me.

She looked at me, her eyes black. Her lips were blood red.

“Go. She is coming,” She whispered. I gave the other me a confused look. Before I could do anything I felt someone grab my face, turning it to the right. Carol stood there, her nose and forehead toughing mine.

“I HATE YOU!” She screamed. She took her other hand and grabbed my hair. She dragged me into the water, shoving my face in it. I fought her, lifting my face up for a single breath before she submerged me back in the water. This time it was clear water surrounded by white plastic. I lifted my head again and I saw the room that I was staying in.

I lifted up, coughing because I felt like I still had water in my lungs. I was trying to catch my breath, also. I looked at Adrienne and her face was filled with so much concern.

“Are you alright?” She asked. I nodded, still trying to calm down.

“What did you dream about?” I shook my head, not wanting to talk about it.

“I can’t.” I told her. She nodded, rubbing my shoulders. A few minutes later, I had calmed down. Right then Billie walked in.

“What’s the hold up?” Adrienne turned to look at him and by that look he knew something was up.

“Is everything okay?” I didn’t do anything besides look down at my hands.

“Yeah, everything is fine, Billie. We’ll be down in a second, okay?” He nodded and walked out. Adrienne looked back at me, still worried.

“Are you up for going out to eat?” I nodded and looked at her.

“Yeah, I’m just going to change my shirt.” She nodded and got up.

“Okay, don’t be too long.” She walked out. I got up quickly and went to the butterfly box. I took off my shirt and before I knew it I was done. I sat on the bed and sighed in huge relief. I looked down at my right arm. I had cut here before but it was a little awkward because I was right handed and using my left hand just felt weird. Even though it was one time, it was deeper than usual. I put the blade back in the box. I grabbed the paper towels under my desk and tore some off. I pressed it against the cut and walked over to the closet, grabbing a plain black long sleeve shirt. I walked over to the door and opened it a tad, making sure no one was in the hall. When the coast was clear I ran to the bathroom. I opened the cabinet that held the bandages and put them over the cut. I flushed the bloody paper towel and pulled my hair up in a high poney tail.

After I gained my composure, I walked out of the bathroom and down stairs where everyone was at. I was surprised to see Tre, Mike, and Brittney but then again they are everywhere all the time.

“Ready?” Billie asked. I nodded. Tre and I wound up sitting in the seats furthest in the back of Adrienne’s SUV while the boys sat in the middle seats. I was silent on the way to the restaurant, which we were going to Rudy’s Can’t Fail Café. When we got there we sat in the back. After we ordered I sat there in silence, twirling my straw in my ice water with lemon. I went to grab my phone but I realized that I had forgotten it at the house. I sighed and took a sip of my water.

“What’s up?” Tre asked as his drink order was put in front of him. I just shrugged.

“I forgot my phone.” Tre smiled.

“Miss your boyfriend?” I rolled my eyes.

“He’s not my boyfriend. He’s the first person I’ve met that is not in the band or under 12.” He laughed.

“Sorry to disappoint.” I smiled. I looked back at my drink. My mind began to wander at what tomorrow holds. I didn’t want to go back to that house but I know I needed too. I then remembered that a lot of my mom’s stuff was still there. I guess something good can come from going back there. I looked at Tre. He could help us. I guess I should ask Billie and make sure he’s fine with it. I don’t see why he wouldn’t be though. The more people helping the quicker we will be out.



I walked into the house and set my keys on the table by the door. The boys ran past me, arguing who gets the TV first. I shook my head and smiled. I walked into the kitchen and grabbed a water bottle from the refrigerator.

“Hey, Billie?” I looked up and saw Amber at the kitchen door.

“What’s up?” I asked.

“I know we have to move that house out tomorrow and I was just wondering if Tre and Mike could help so we can do it faster. I don’t want to have to go back to that place after tomorrow.”

“I already asked them before you came down earlier. I was actually going to talk to you and make sure that was okay.” She nodded.

“That’s fine, obviously.” She folded her arms.

“Good. I already have a U-Haul trailer on rent. What do you plan on doing with the stuff that you don’t want?” She shrugged.

“Donate it, I guess. I’m going to talk to Mr. Garvey about leaving the furniture. He probably won’t care.” I nodded.

“Sounds good.” She stood there for a few moments before telling me goodnight and walking out, no doubt going back up to her room. I leaned against the counter and stared at where she stood. I wondered what she was like when she was young, before her mother died. Now she’s so timid and...sad, but that’s understandable because of what she’s been through. I imagine that she was a spunky child, considering she is half of me, but her mom was a wild card. She was always up for adventures. She would randomly want to drive to the beach or to a water park or to a festival that was happening miles away. She always wanted to do something whether it be grocery shopping or getting high by the train tracks.

“Hey, what are you thinking about?” Adrienne came into view. I smiled at her.

“Nothing.” She nodded.

“I’m going to bed, see you up in a bit?” I nodded. She walked out of the kitchen. I heard her yell at the boys telling them they need to go to bed. I finished off my water and threw the bottle away.

“Hey, you guys need to go to bed in ten minutes.” I told the boys as I walked up the stairs. They didn’t say anything, just continued playing their video games. I was about to walk into my room but I stopped and looked at Amber’s door. I walked over to it and placed my ear against the door. I heard a little ding. It must have been her cell phone. She was probably texting that kid she met in Alabama. I turned around and went into my room.

I stopped myself when I saw Adrienne in the en suite brushing her teeth. She was wearing some sleep shorts and a sleeveless shirt. I crossed my arms and leaned against the door frame, watching her. She was so beautiful. I thought back when I had first met her.

I got off the stage of the small club in Minnesota. I ran my hand through my sweaty hair and started towards the bar. It’s been about a month since Amanda and I broke up and I was still angry at the whole thing. It was so random. We were so happy.

“Beer, please.”

“Good set, by the way.” The bartender complimented as he passed me my drink not caring to look at my ID.

“Thanks.” I leaned against the bar and scanned the crowd, taking a swig of my beer. My eyes stopped on a girl with dreads in her hair, who was already looking at me. She was breathtakingly beautiful. She smiled at me before telling her friends something. She got up off the couch and walked towards me. My heart thudded faster as she walked closer. She leaned against the counter next to me, her shirt being pulled down to reveal cleavage.

“Hey,” she said, smiling. I nodded at her. She held out her hand.

“I’m Adrienne.” I grabbed her hand and shook it.

“Billie.”

“Nice guitar work. Great band.” I smiled.

“Thanks.” She didn’t let go of my hand and lead me through the crowd into the women’s bathroom. She locked the door behind her and kissed me. So many thoughts were running through my head, they mostly had Amanda in them.

Adrienne pulled away and started walking backwards and leaned against the wall. She took her holed up stockings off. I walked over to her, kissing her again. I unbuckled my pants, she wrapped her legs around me.

Fuck Amanda. She broke up with me for a stupid reason. Might as well have some fun.

When she was done she grabbed a rubber band and put her dreads up. She turned around and jumped slightly.

“God, you are such a creeper.” I smiled at her.

“God, you are such a hottie.” She playfully rolled her eyes, slapping my ass as she walked by me. I took a quick shower and brushed my teeth. I shut the light off and got into bed. Adrienne was sitting up, reading a book.

“What was wrong with Amber earlier?” I asked her. She closed her book and looked at me.

“She had a nightmare from what I could tell. When she woke up she couldn’t breathe, it was like she was being strangled or drowned.”

“Dr. Chesser told me that they had found water in her lungs and she was soaking wet when she came in. They concluded that Carol tried to drown her.” Adrienne shook her head.

“That poor girl.” Adrienne put the book on the night stand and turned off the light. She faced me.

“When I met Carol she was in nursing school. She was pretty cool. She would buy us beer and came to shows. I don’t know what happened to her. Why would she hurt her like that?” Adrienne moved closer to me, pressing her body against mine. She wrapped her arm around me, rubbing my back.

“I don’t know, sweetie. All we can do is give her love and support now and try not to dwell on the past.” I closed the distance between us and kissed her.

“I love you...so much.” I told her. She smiled and kissed me again.

“Ditto.”

*

I pulled up to Amber’s old house with a U-Haul trailer hooked up in the back. When I parked the car, I looked at Amber. She was sitting in the passenger seat, after Tre and Mike insisted that she did, and staring out the window. It was déjà vu.

“Amber, you okay?” She looked at me and nodded. She opened the door and got out, all of us following suit. We opened the U-Haul and grabbed the bags, boxes, and plastic bins. When we walked into the house, I put my hand over my nose.

“Gosh, what is that smell?” Amber plugged her nose.

“They probably didn’t empty the refrigerator when they turned the power off. I’ll clean that so you guys won’t have to.” We put the plastic bins, garbage bags, and boxess from the U-Haul in the living room.

“Okay, Adrienne was very specific. The plastic bins are for everything that Amber wants to keep, the bags are for garbage, and the boxes are for stuff we are donating.” Amber grabbed the bags and went into the kitchen, no doubt tackling the refrigerator. I looked around the house. They had nice furniture, nice things. It seems like they lived comfortably. Seems like.

After about an hour of packing things that Amber didn’t want, we sat down on the couch. I wiped my head of sweat that was pouring. Tre walked over to the cooler he got out of the SUV about thrity minutes ago and grabbed enough waters for everyone.

“It wouldn’t be so bad if it wasn’t so hot in here.” I said. Even though we opened all the windows and doors, it was still hot. Amber just sipped her water. I looked towards the door as someone knocked on it. A tall man walked in.

“Hey, Mr. Garvey. Billie, this is Mr. Garvey,” Amber introduced. I stood up and shook his hand.

“Call me Henry. Big fan.”

“Thanks.” I said.

“Mr. Garvey, could we leave the furniture here? I don’t need it and I figured it’ll be easier for your next tenant to have a fully furnished house.” Amber said. Henry nodded.

“That’s fine, Amber. Look, I’m sorry, I should have noticed something-”

“It’s okay. It’s not your fault.” She stood up, grabbing an empty plastic bin.

“I’m going to tackle the back of the house.” She walked away. I looked at Henry.

“Did you know them well? Carol and Jim?” He shook his head.

“Not really. I came more into contact with Amber because she would always bring the rent. Sometimes she would talk to me a little but most times she just handed me the check and walked back here. I just thought she was shy.” Henry scratched the back of his head.

“Well, I’ll let you guys get finished.” Henry shook my hand again before walking out. I looked at Tre and Mike.

“I hate this fucking place.” I told them, sitting back down. I took a swig of water.

“This place does give me creeps a little,” Mike inquired. He looked around the house, almost clean of everything.

“How can you be someone’s neighbor or landlord and not know what is going in this place? I mean, she had to have screamed or had bruises on her face.” Mike added.

“The bystander effect.” We both looked at Tre, raising eyebrows at him.

“You both know of the bystander effect, right? It’s like a theory where people think that someone else will call or do something about an issue so they don't call anyone or something like that.” I looked at Mike, who looked at me. We both looked back at Tre. We were shocked.

“Where’d you learn that?” I asked him. He just shrugged.

“Law & Order: SVU.” I chuckled. I looked down the hall and saw that Amber was in Carol and Jim’s room. She was sitting on the floor, her back to us. I wonder what she was doing.

“Hey, you guys finish in here, I’ll be right back.” I walked towards her. I knocked on the open door. She turned to look at me. I could see a bunch of pictures scattered everywhere. I walked over to her and sat across from her. I picked up a random picture. It was of a little girl blowing out four candles. She had short curly hair. I looked at Amber then looked back at the picture.

“Is this you?” She nodded.

“I found them under the bed. They were in a box that had Mom’s name on it. I thought Carol burned everything of Mom’s. I guess she wasn’t as vindictive as I thought.” I sat the picture down and began looking through the rest. They were more of her that birthday party. I smiled as I flipped through them. It was nice seeing pictures of her when she was younger. But I started feeling brokenhearted, trying not to make my face look down cast. I knew these photos stopped when she was about six. I wasn’t going to see pictures of her when she ten and going into the fifth grade or when she started her first day of high school. It was like reading the first few chapters of a story and then finding out that the middle is gone and that was the only copy ever written.

I stopped on a picture of Amanda holding Amber in the hospital when she was obviously just born. Her hair was stuck on her face from sweat and she looked exhausted but that didn’t stop her from looking down at her new baby, who had a head full of hair, and smiling with her teeth. I put the pictures down and quickly wiped my eyes of the spilling water that was about to spill over. I looked at Amber and glad she wasn’t watching me.

“We should look at these later when we get home. It’s actually supposed to rain today so we need to try to get all this loaded up.” She nodded and began gathering the photos and putting them back in the box.

After about another hour we loaded the trailer up with all the boxes, bins, and trash bags. I stood in the doorway and waited for Amber. I stood there and watched her as she looked around the house one last time. She sighed before walking out. I closed the door, glad that we were finally done with this place for good.