Falling Out

I sat on the hard bed that was in the doctor’s office. I hated these things. I always felt uncomfortable and I hated the paper that was on these things. It always crumbled and tore even if I move an inch. I hated coming to doctors appointments. They took way too long. But the good thing about this appointment is that I didn’t have to change into a gown.

As I waited I started to think about the past week. I had gone shopping with Adrienne to get some more clothes for school that is starting next week and Billie taught me how to drive. It wasn’t as bad as I thought. I actually caught on pretty quick. Billie knew someone at the DMV so I was able to get my license without having to go through driver’s education.

“Smile!” The lady said. I gave a small smile and she took the picture. I looked at Billie. He was smiling big. I walked over to him and waited for my license to be printed. A few minutes later, the lady handed me my license.

“Thanks again, Jen. I owe you one.” The woman smiled and nodded before we walked out to Billie’s car. I got in the passenger seat and stared at my license. I felt very happy that I got it. I know it’s weird but for the first time in a long time I felt accomplished. Billie got into the car.

“I am so proud of you.” I looked at him and smiled.

“Thank you.”

“Do you want to drive?” I shook my head.

“No, I’m fine right now.” I looked back down at my license, smiling. I don’t think I’ve smiled this much in a long time. And I didn’t look that bad in the picture.

Dr. Thomas walked in with a my medical file.

“Sorry for taking so long. We had a little emergency. So, it says here that you need to get an update on your shots?” I nodded.

“Well, according to the shot record that Dr. Chesser sent over you are actually up to date on all of them. When you were admitted into the hospital they had given all your shots just to be on the safe side.”

“Oh, that’s good, I guess.” Dr. Thomas nodded. She got up.

“While you are here let me feel on your ribs and see how they are healing. Lay down for me.” She grabbed some latex gloves as I lied down. She lifted my shirt and began pressing on my ribs. I quickly tried to count how many pills I had left in my head. When I realized I was low, I began to panic. I needed more. She pressed again on my ribs and I groaned, faking the pain.

“Still hurts?” I nodded. She pulled away and walked over to her desk. I sat up and pulled my shirt down. She began writing down something. She turned to me and handed me a prescription.

“Here is a refill on your Vicodin. After this, you shouldn’t need anymore.” She sat down in her chair and smiled at me. I folded the prescription and put it in my pocket.

“I just wanted to apologize for the incident at the abortion clinic. I see a lot of celebrities and their families and that is the most discreet abortion clinic I know. Well, it was.” I didn’t look at her but I shrugged my shoulders. She stood up.

“Okay, well I will fax these over to your school. Is there anything else that you need?” I shook my head.

“Alright, well you are free to go. Make sure you tell Jenna at the front desk to make you a new appointment in six weeks.” I nodded before walking out and making the appointment. I walked back into the waiting room and saw Billie sitting where I left him. He looked up when the door shut behind me and he stood up.

“Got everything situated?” I nodded and followed him to the car.

“Alright, we got that checked off the list. Now, how about we go buy you a car!” I smiled at him and got into his vehicle. He turned it on and looked at me.

“So, have you decided what vehicle you might want?”

“Yeah, I saw this car in Alabama. It’s really small and it has two doors. It kind of looks like an insect-”

“A Volkswagen Beetle?” I shrugged.

“I guess.” Billie nodded and began driving. Twenty minutes later we pulled into a car dealership. He pointed out the car I was talking about.

“Like those?” I nodded.

“Yeah.” He parked his car and we both got out. We walked to a line of these Beetle cars, all different colors. There was green, black, white, and blue. As I was looking in the window of one some guy walked up to us.

“Good afternoon. My name is Chase, how may I help you?” Billie looked at me and smiled before turning to Chase.

“Well, I am looking for her first car. I think she is interested in one of these cars.” Chase looked at me.

“What color are you thinking of?” I looked at all of them but my eyes landed on the red car. It was pretty and shiny. It wasn’t a bright red, either. It was a dark red. Kind of like the color of blood. I wanted it.

“The red one.” I said.

“Do you want to test drive it?” I nodded. After test driving and finally confirming that I wanted this car even more, Billie and Chase went to his office. I tried to avoid looking at the price tag.

A few minutes later, Billie walked out with keys in his hands. He shook them in my face.

“Well, you officially have a car now.” I grabbed the keys and smiled at them.

“Weird. I thought I would never own a car or even get my license.” I bit my tongue. I hated that I said things like this. I didn’t need to make this man feel even guiltier or reveal too much to him. Billie just smiled though.

“Follow behind me so you won’t get lost, okay?” Was all he said. He got in his car. I bit my lip and got into my new car. I smiled when I sat down, enjoying the new car smell. I put my seat belt on and followed Billie home. When I pulled up, Adrienne was standing by the garage, smiling. She ran over to me when I got of the car.

“Oo, a bug, nice. It’s so pretty. I love the color!” She said. She ran her hand along the top of the car, admiring it. I smiled.

“Yeah. It has a CD player, too, so that’s exciting.” I said. Adrienne nodded.

“CD players are very important.”

“Do I get to ride in it?” Jakob asked. I nodded.

“Yep.” After they were done admiring it and I drove Jakob around the neighborhood I parked my car and we walked inside. I bypassed everyone and went downstairs to the basement and started to listen to one of my mom’s old albums on the record player, that wasn’t Green Day. I lied down on the couch that was down there and began tapping my foot to the music. I closed my eyes and began to softly sing along with the music, enjoying being alone. I eventually fell asleep.

Sadly, it wasn’t a dreamless sleep.

I sat down at the dinner table in silenced. I looked down at my food and inwardly groaned. She had cooked meatloaf and mashed potatoes. It’s not like I didn’t like meatloaf but her meatloaf was disgusting. But Joe loved it; Carol loved it; it doesn’t matter that I didn't love it.

I cut into the meat and almost threw up. Mine was barely cooked. I glanced at Joe’s food and noticed his was cooked all the way. It was like she did this on purpose.

Well, it wasn't like anything, it was.

“Eat your food, Amber,” Carol seethed. I looked at her and shook my head.

“I can’t. It’s not cooked all the way.” Carol didn’t say anything. She got up and walked to me. She stood behind my chair, not saying a word. My heart started to pound through my ears. I looked at Joe. He just sat there and continued to eat, not even looking at us. I felt Carol’s hand grab a fist full of my hair and slammed my face against the table, my nose hitting the edge. She pulled my head back and whispered in my ear.

“Eat. The. Fucking. Food.” She let go of my hair and sat back down. I felt tears roll down my face. I stared at my plate of uncooked meat. Red spots appeared on the plate. I touched the bridge of my nose and pulled my fingers back. They were covered in blood. I looked at Carol.

“Please don’t make me eat this,” I begged, tears and blood still running down my face.

“Do as I say or they will be more consequences. It’s summer so I can damage your face more if I want to.”

“What if I get some sort of parasite from eating the raw meat? You’d have to send me to the hospital and get me checked out and they will see all the bruises from last week.” Carol looked at me with so much hatred. She slammed her fork down.

“Fine. But you will not eat for the rest of the week. Get the fuck upstairs before I break your neck, you piece of shit.” I got up quickly and ran to my room. I closed the door, wishing that I had a lock on it so I could lock them out. I slid down the door and started to cry some more.

I woke up to Billie shaking me. I got up and ran my hand through my hair that was sticky with sweat.

“Are you okay?” I simply nodded.

“Okay, well supper is ready. Adrienne made meatloaf.” I blanched.

“I’m sorry but I don’t like meatloaf.” I said, my voice starting to break. I felt tears start streaming down my face.

“Hey, don’t be upset. It’s okay.” He sat next to me and tentatively put an arm around me. I leaned into him and started crying more.

“Shh, it’s okay. She won’t be mad. Don’t worry.” I wiped my face and stiffened. Billie noticed and pulled his arm away. He stood up.

“She cooked other stuff like broccoli and cheese and mashed potatoes. If you don’t like any of that then you can make a sandwich.”

“I like broccoli and cheese. That’ll be fine.” He nodded his head towards the stairs, signaling for me to get up and follow him. I got up and followed him out of the basement and into the kitchen. The boys were lined up with their plates, getting food slopped on them. Adrienne smiled when she saw us. Billie walked over to Adrienne and said something to her. I sighed lowly before grabbing a plate and fixing me some broccoli and cheese. I walked over to the table and sat my plate down. I grabbed a glass and filled it up with water. I sat down at the table.

I played with my food as Billie and Adrienne talked about going school supply shopping. I started to feel nervous because I just came to the full realization that school starts in two weeks. At my old school, I was practically invisible. One time someone actually sat on me during lunch. I loved being invisible. I preferred it. But now I am entering a whole new environment; a whole new school. I’m not going to be able to fly under the radar, I’m going to be on the radar.

My heart started to pound. I could hear it in my ears it was pounding so hard. I am going to a new school. Everyone knows each other in their class already and I was going to stick out. Especially if they find out whom my father is. And if more articles get published with my picture plastered everywhere then everyone will know who I am. Everyone will start asking questions.

I was well on my way on a full on panic attack when my phone began to ring. I grabbed my phone, shocked that someone was calling me, especially this late. Well, it wasn’t late. It was about six o’clock but still. I looked and saw Donovan’s name on the screen. I looked up and saw that everyone was looking at me.

“Are you going to answer it?” Billie asked. I pressed the button to answer the phone.

“Hello?”

“Hey! What’s up?” He asked.

“Um, nothing.”

“Are you doing anything right now?” I shook my head but then realized he couldn't see it.

“Um, just eating dinner.”

“That’s awesome! I was just wondering if you wanted to come to Starbucks with Felicia and another friend of ours.” I looked at Billie and Adrienne who were still staring at me.

“Let me ask, hold on.” I took the phone away from my ear and put it against my chest, blocking the speaker.

“Can I go and hang out with Donovan at Starbucks? His sister will be there and some other person.” Billie looked at Adrienne who just shrugged. He looked back at me.

“I guess you can. But I need you to text me when you get there so I know you aren’t lying in a ditch somewhere.” I put the phone back to my ear.

“I can come. I don’t know how to get there so can you like text me an address so I can put it in my GPS?” He laughed.

“Yeah, just give me a few minutes to find it.”

“Okay.” He hung up. I just stared at my phone, starting to feel nervous. I looked at Billie and Adrienne. She just smiled.

“We need to do something about your nerves.” I knew what I could do for them. But I knew that wouldn’t be smart, especially since I’ll be driving. My phone beeped, which made me jump a little. It was Donovan with the address.

“Are you sure I can go?” I asked again. Billie nodded.

“Yes, I am sure. Go, have fun.” I got up, grabbing my plate of uneaten food. I dumped it in the garbage disposal and rinsed off my plate. I walked up the stairs and into the room I was staying in. I closed the door and ran my hands through my hair. I opened the closet and began rummaging through my clothes. I grabbed a gray shirt that was off the shoulder and put it on. I changed out of the jeans that I was wearing and decided on some black skinny jeans. I walked into the bathroom and ran a brush through my hair. When I saw that it still looked a mess, I just put it in a pony tail. I sighed nervously before walking backstairs and grabbing my license that was on the counter. I needed to get a wallet.

“What time do you want me back?” Billie just shrugged.

“Whenever you get done.” When he saw the conflicted look on my face he changed his tune.

“Don’t be out past midnight.” I nodded. I grabbed my keys and started towards the door.

“Uh, Amber?” I turned to look at Billie.

“Don’t you need money?”

“Oh, yeah. I guess I do.” He got up and pulled out his wallet and handed me two twenties.

“$40?” He smiled.

“Do you need more?” I shook my head. I folded the money and put it in my pocket.

“No, no. That should be enough, I think. I just...” I didn’t finish. I started to feel stupid.

“It’s cool. Midnight, alright.” I nodded before walking out. I got in my car, entered in the address into my GPS, and started driving. I turned up the volume on the radio and smiled. I liked driving. Well, scratch that, I loved driving. It was this new kind of freedom. It was also really soothing.

After a wrong turn and an almost panic attack, I finally made it to Starbucks. I got out of my car and locked it. I walked into the small building and scanned the room. I saw a pop of green in the corner and realized it was Felicia. I sighed in relief and walked towards them. Donovan saw me before I reached the table they were sitting at. He got up and met me halfway. He was wearing a black shirt with some blue jeans. Just simple clothing. He looked really nice.

“Hey, how are you?” I nodded. He went in and hugged me, which caught me totally off guard. It was a quick hug, though, which I appreciated.

“I’m, uh, good,” I responded. He just smiled.

“Well, I was waiting for you before I got some coffee.” We walked over to the counter. I just stared at the menu and not knowing the difference between any of it.

“Um, this might sound weird but I’ve never had coffee from here before. I’ve really never drank coffee.”

“Really? That’s alright. Okay, do you prefer cold drinks or hot drinks?” He asked.

“Um, probably cold.”

“Alright. Well, frappe’s is like a fancy coffee milkshake. It’s not as thick but it’s pretty good. Iced coffee is just creamed coffee with ice. It’s pretty nasty actually.” I nodded.

“What do you recommend?” I asked.

“For the first time coffee drinker like yourself I would advise just a simple mocha frappe. Or caramel frappe if you don’t like mocha flavor.” We moved up in line.

“How can I help you?” The girl behind the counter asked.

“Um, just a tall mocha frappe, I guess.” She nodded and grabbed a cup and began writing on it.

“Do you want whipped cream and what’s your name?”

“Sure and Amber.” She told me the price and I paid her. Donovan ordered his drink, which was very long and complicated sounding, and we waited for our drinks in silence. The person called our names and we got our drinks, straws, and walked to the table where Felicia and some other guy sat. I stuck my straw in the drink and took a sip, loving the taste.

“Pretty good?” Donovan asked. I nodded, taking another sip.

“Amber, this is our good friend Chuck. Chuck this is the girl who I physically assaulted with a Frisbee in Alabama.” I smiled at Chuck. He was nice looking. He was muscular, about the size of this football player at my old school. He had blonde hair and blue eyes. Just by looking at his face and his build you would think he wouldn’t hang out with someone like Felicia with bright green hair and Donovan who wore dark clothes. But his Green Day shirt and his gauged ears would change that sentiment.

“Pleased to meet you.” I nodded. I looked at his Green Day shirt again, feeling nervous. It was one of their American Idiot tour shirt.

“Same.” I told him.

“Ugh, my senior schedule sucks.” Felicia complained. I took another sip.

“When did we get schedules?” Donovan asked. Felicia rolled her eyes.

“Today. Did you get your schedule, Amber?” I shrugged.

“I don’t know. I haven’t checked.”

“Where are you from?” Chuck asked as he tore a piece of muffin and popped it in his mouth.

“Sacramento.” It was silent.

“That’s cool,” he said a few moments later.

“Dude, is that a new shirt?” Donovan asked Chuck. Chuck looked down at his shirt.

“Yeah, it’s new. I saw them a couple months ago and it was an awesome show.”

“Do you like Green Day?” Donovan asked me. I took a sip of my drink and nodded all the while trying not to faint.

“Yeah, they are pretty cool.” Donovan smiled.

“Yeah, they are.”

“I read this article in the National Enquirer about Billie Joe Armstrong sleeping with someone other than his wife. I mean, I know he’s a rock star and everything but he shouldn’t get away with treating his wife like that and banging some whore.” Felicia piped up. My stomach dropped to the floor. I could feel my face getting hot.

“It’s none of our business what he does in his private life. Plus, don’t believe what you read in a shitty magazine,” Donovan said. Felicia just shrugged.

“Fine, you are right. But he was taking some young girl to an abortion clinic and that’s shady. No matter what you say, pictures don’t lie.”

“I got to go,” I said suddenly. I got up quickly and accidentally knocked my drink over and it spilled everywhere, which made everyone jump up.

“Shit,” Donovan said before going to get someone napkins.

“I’m sorry,” I apologized. I took the napkins out of Donovan’s hands and began cleaning the spilled drink, all the while apologizing. I started to feel tears prick my eyes. This was all too much. Overwhelming.

“It’s okay. It happens.” I stood straighter. Felicia looked at me like I had a second head growing out of my neck. Chuck wasn’t looking at me at all. He was wiping coffee off his pants.

“I’m sorry, Chuck. I-I didn’t mean-”

“Dude, it’s cool. I needed to wash these anyway.” I grabbed my phone off the table.

“Well, I need to go. Um, I’ll see you guys later.” I turned around and walked out. Tears managed to escape and I hated it. When I reached my car, I heard someone call my name. I turned around and saw Donavon. I quickly wiped my face, trying to wipe away the traces of my emotions.

“Are you okay?” He asked. He must have noticed that I was crying.

“I’m fine. I’m sorry I spilled the drink.”

“It’s okay. Did something Felicia say offend you?” I didn’t say anything.

“You just have to ignore what she says. She’s very opinionated. She likes to annoy people.” I nodded.

“It was nice seeing you again. I’ll see you on the first day of school. I’ll wait for you at the front door so I can help you find your classes, if ya want.” I smiled.

“Yeah, that’ll be good.” He smiled before telling me goodbye and walking back into the coffee shop. When he walked in my smile fell. I got into my car and drove back home. The drive back wasn’t as great on as the drive there. I had to turn the music up to its max to try and drown out the rumination of my thoughts. It didn’t work. I managed to get inside and up the stairs without being seen. I gently closed the door and leaned against it. I walked over to my butterfly box. I sat down on the ground and stared at it. Tears started falling down my face. I opened the box and took out my temporary salvation. I took off my shirt and filled my lungs up with air, holding it in. I closed my eyes. I took the razor and into my right hand and started at my left, biting my lip in the process. When I was done, my lungs burning for freedom, I deflated. I opened my eyes and stared at the wall, feeling dead inside.