Falling Out

I grabbed five pills and sat them on my desk and began to crush them into powder. It was Friday and I still was angry that I got suspended for no good reason. I hated Altman and the rest of the stupid teachers. I hated them so much. Suspending me for two weeks because I was late a few times? That was too excessive. That was fucking bullshit.

The part that was driving me crazy was I wasn’t allowed to talk to anyone. I never realized how often I talked to Donovan or was around Donovan until these last two days that I was banned from seeing him. I mean, I went a weekend without seeing him but it was my choice. Being banned was a different story. I had missed him so much and I was worried that he might find out that I did sleep with Tyler. I wish I was with him even if I feel like the worst person in the world when I do.

I took the straw and snorted a line of powder feeling instant relief because I knew in a few minutes I would be feeling better. Billie or Adrienne wasn’t home because they had something to do at Joey and Jakob’s school for a fundraiser. All four of them hadn’t really talked to me since Tuesday. Even when I tried to apologize to Jakob about pushing him away the other day, he wouldn’t have it. It made me feel like more shit. So I just stayed in my room all day and all night lying in bed. The only time I get up is to go to the bathroom or go downstairs to eat when everyone is asleep.

As I went for the second line my door opened. I stood up instantly. My heart dropped all the way down to the floor.

“What are you doing?”



“Felicia, I look ridiculous.” Felicia sighed in annoyance.

“No you don’t. You look nice. Adrienne, doesn’t she look nice?” Adrienne smiled at me and nodded.

“You do. You look nice with makeup on.” I stared at myself in the mirror and grimaced. I looked weird with makeup on. It wasn’t extravagant makeup, well, extravagant color makeup. It was a smokey eye with dark eyeliner. Okay, as I looked at myself more I started to like it.

“Okay, okay. But don’t get used to it.” Felicia grabbed the straightener and began straightening my hair which took a long time because it was so freaking long and kinky.

“Have you ever thought about getting your hair cut?” Felicia asked as Adrienne took the straight pieces. It was sad that it took two people to straighten my hair.

“I’ve thought about it. My mom kept her hair long and I loved her hair. Plus, I think I would look weird with short hair.” Felicia smiled at me in the mirror.

“I do need to get my split ends trimmed though. I’ll do it later.” I was used to cutting my own hair, even though it was sometimes a hack job.

“No, honey, you need to let a professional touch your hair. Do you want me to set an appointment up?” Adrienne asked as she ran her fingers through my hair. I nodded.

“Sure. To be honest I have never been to a hair salon.” Adrienne looked at me through the mirror and gave me a sad smile.

“Well, I know someone great. They can probably give your hair some definition,” Felicia said as she finished straightening my hair. She ran a brush through it. I stood up and faced them. Adrienne had a big smiled plastered on her face and Felicia was giddy.

“Oh, my God, you look hot. I am so jealous of my brother right now.” I looked down at my outfit. I was wearing a black leather jacket, maroon skinny jeans, and a black and white striped shirt. I did look nice. I felt like I was in a movie or something.

“I’m so nervous.” I told them. Felicia smiled.

“Girl, you two have been dating for two months now. I know this is your first date but it’s just to a carnival. It’s nothing to freak out about. It’s not even fancy. It’ll probably be boring, anyway. I mean, what do you two talk about? I’m surprised you two waited this long to go on a date,” Felicia ranted. Adrienne patted her shoulder.

“What I think she is trying to say is that this is nothing to worry about. You will do fine.” I nodded and took a deep breath. I stared at myself in the mirror. I looked different with straight hair. I mean, I looked nice but I just looked different. I hope Donovan likes it.

“Okay, I need to go to my room right quick. I’ll be right back.” I walked out of Adrienne and Billie’s en suite and to my room. I closed the door and locked it. I went to my luggage and took out four pills dry swallowing them. Someone tried to open the door.

“Yo, why is your door locked?” Felicia asked. I quickly put everything away. I unlocked the door.

“Why did you lock your door?” She walked in. She lied down on my bed. She makes herself comfortable. She is one of those people who finds a home wherever she is at.

“You know, I am glad you decided to redecorate. It looks a lot better.” I looked around at my newly painted room. That’s all I did, paint it. I painted three walls white and the wall where my bed was is red. I changed the comforter set to black and put a lot of the pictures that I had gotten from my old house on the walls in various black, red, and white frames. They were mostly of my mom and some of my Gran.

“Thanks?” She snorted. She’s been coming over here a lot lately. At first I thought it had to do with who my father was but she told me that her and her mom has been fighting a lot. I didn’t press forward because I felt like it wasn’t my business. Plus she didn’t like being alone in her apartment since Donovan got a part time job a month ago.

“You should be happy that you are going on a date. It seems like every weekend Chuck has to go do stuff with his mom or go visit his dad in Hollywood. He hasn’t taken me out for three months now. I’m starting to get worried that he might be pulling away or that he’s lying to me about something.” I sat down on my desk chair. I knew he wasn’t really with his mom or dad. He was always at Tyler’s parties. I didn’t know why but I knew it because every once in awhile Tyler will force me to go to his house and get the merchandise and I will always run into Chuck. I asked Tyler once why he was there and he just said, “I keep all my clients information confidential. You don’t need to know.” So I didn’t press. But I can see that Felicia was clearly hurt.

“I’m sorry. Maybe just talk to him about it.” She shook her head. Right then her phone rang.

“Hello?...Yes, she’s ready...I don’t know why she isn’t answering her phone, maybe it’s on silent...Okay, OKAY!” She hung up.

“He’s so annoying. Donovan is on his way.” We got up and walked down the stairs and into the kitchen where Billie and Adrienne was at. Billie smiled at me.

“You look nice.”

“Thanks.” I walked over to the refrigerator and got a water. I took a sip and listened to everyone talk around me until Felicia’s phone went off. She smiled. I felt like I was going to throw up then.

“He’s here,” she said in a sing-song voice. She walked out of the kitchen. I inhaled through my nose and exhaled out of my mouth. I can do this. It’s just a date. I mean, we’ve made out heavily at least three times and I didn’t freak out. Of course I was high all the time but still. I’m going to be fine.

When we walked into the living room Donovan gave me the biggest smile.

“Wow.” He walked up to me and quickly kissed my lips. He grabbed a strand of my hair and examined it.

“You look nice.” I smiled.

“You, too.” And he did. He wore a black button down shirt and dark blue jeans. He laced his fingers into mine.

“Alright, alright. Not in front of me,” Billie said. We laughed.

“Be back at midnight.” Billie didn’t look at me when he said that, he looked at Donovan. He was trying to be protective but it made him look funny. Donovan nodded.

“We’ll probably be here before that.” Adrienne wrapped her arm around Billie.

“You two have fun. Don’t rush.” We walked out and got into his car. He leaned over and gave me another kiss.

“You really do look beautiful tonight.” I smiled. He started the car and the drive to the carnival was comfortably silent, aside from the music that was playing in the background.

When we got to the carnival it was hard to take everything in because there was so much. I’ve never seen so many colorful lights in my life. As we waited in line for tickets my eyes wandered everywhere. I looked at the many rides that sparkled and the carnies trying to persuade people to come play their games. The air smelt sweet of cotton candy and funnel cakes and corn dogs.

“What ride do you want to ride first?” Donovan asked after he purchased our tickets, breaking my awe struck gaze of everything.

“I don’t know. They all look fun.” He smiled. We wound up riding a lot of the thriller rides like Pharaoh’s Fury, The Zipper and Ring of Fire. We decided to take a break and get something to eat which we settled on foot long corn dogs.

“I don’t think I can eat anymore. Do you want the rest?” He nodded and I handed him the not even half eaten corn dog.

“You eat a lot,” I told him. He laughed and took a bite.

“I know. That’s my mom’s complaint.” After he finished eating we went and played a couple of games. He mostly lost and I mostly won. When we played whack-a-mole and I beat him again.

“Winner! What do you want, little lady?” The carnie asked.

“The black teddy bear.” He handed it to me. I looked at Donovan who had mock anger all over his face.

“I think you were lying when you said you never been to a carnival.” I laughed and handed him the teddy bear.

“I’ve won this for you.” He took the bear and smiled.

“That’s supposed to be my line.” I leaned in and kissed him. He pulled out his tickets and counted them.

“Well, we only have enough tickets for one more ride. How about we go on the Ferris Wheel?”

“Okay, that sounds cool.” He grabbed my free hand that wasn’t holding a cheap stuffed animal and we got into line for the FerrisWheel. As we waited I noticed that a lot of people in line were coupled up. I looked at Donovan.

“Is this a couple’s ride?” He looked at the line and smiled.

“I guess it is tonight.”

“Is this your attempt to make out with me while we are way up in the air?” He chuckled.

“Yes, that was my exact intention. Maybe I can get you naked and we can have sex.” I hit his shoulder.

“Whatever.” A few minutes later we got into a cart. I thought it was weird that he sat across from me and not next to me. When the ride started moving and we got to the top I was amazed at how the carnival seemed so small up here; how everything seems so small up here. All the people, all the lights, all the cars. They all look so insignificant.

As we made another round I looked at Donovan who was giving me his lopsided smile which meant a lot more than his regular smile. The ride stopped and we were at the top. The breeze blew sending a cold shiver down my body. Donovan walked over to me and sat down.

“I need to tell you something.” He was so serious. It started to make me a little nervous.

“What? Did something happen?” He shook his head and grabbed my hands.

“Sitting over there and watching you experience the world through new eyes made me realize that I want to be with you when you see new things, all new things. I know that we’ve only been dating for a couple of months and we’ve known each other for a little bit longer than that but my feelings for you has gotten stronger. Ever since I met you I’ve thought you were special. Really special. As I got to know you I realized how beautiful of a person you are both inside and out.
And it has all but confirmed what I thought when I first met you.” He got closer to me. My stomach was doing summersaults.

“Amber, I love you. All of you. I love your laugh, I love your smile, I love your worry and I love you when you cry. I love how big of a heart you have even if you might not see it. I love your kindness and I love your soul. You are the best thing that has happened to me in a long time and I want you to know that I’m always going to be here and not just because I love you but because I need to. I need to be around you.” Donovan wiped a tear that had managed to escape my eye. His hand cradled my face, his thumb caressing my cheek. I didn’t know what to think. I didn’t know what to say. The ride jolted and started going down. When we got off the ride we walked back to his car.

On the ride back to the house it was silent. I didn’t know what to say. Did I feel the same for him? I have had strong feelings for him for a while now but was it love? I didn’t know what this type of love felt like. I looked over at him. He was so concentrated on driving. He didn’t know who I really was. He didn’t know what happened to me or what I’ve been doing. If he ever finds out will he still love me? Will he still want to be with me? Will he still need to be with me like he so beautifully confessed to me?

He parked the car in the driveway. He looked down at his hands that were tugging at the hem of his shirt. After what felt like years of awkward silence he looked at me.

“Did I scare you?” I shook my head.

“No.”

“How come you haven’t said anything?” I looked down this time. After I gathered my thoughts I looked at him.

“I’ve been through a lot, Donovan. You don’t know me as much as you think-” He grabbed my hands.

“I know. You have a past that is unbearable to think about, I get it. But I don’t care. I love the Amber that I’ve gotten to know these few months. And when or if you decide to tell me I will still love you.” I pulled my hands away and got out. Donovan did the same. I walked up to him and wrapped my arms around him. I was so close that I could hear his heartbeat which was beating so fast. That’s how mine felt. He was so warm and smelt so nice.

Right there. He was warm. He didn’t pressure me to do anything. He was patient with me when I go a little crazy. He always wanted to hold my hand and I always wanted him to hold my hand. I felt safer with him than I felt in the big house behind us with the state of the art alarm system and gated community that surrounded us. Every time I would see him I smiled. Every time we talked on the phone at night before going to bed I’d feel just a little bit better. Every single time.

I pulled away and leaned against his car. I looked at him and took him all in. I think I loved him. I think this is what love felt like.

“I love you, too.” He looked up and gave me that lopsided smile.

“You’re not just saying that?” I shook my head. I walked up to him and kissed him. It felt different this time. A good different.

“I love you,” I whispered as I pulled away. He caressed my cheek with his thumb.

“I love you, too.” He pushed me against the car and kissed me again. It was filled with so much passion that it nearly took my breath away. His body pressed against mine and his hands wrapped around my waist pulling me closer. My hands ran through his soft hair, the black strands caressing the insides of my fingers. He lips found their way to my jaw line and trailed to my neck. I closed my eyes, focusing on this moment. He pulled away and I got on the hood of his car. He positioned himself between my legs and continued to kiss me with so much fervor that I ignored the memory that was tugging at the back of my head. I refused to ruin this moment.

But that didn’t mean other people didn’t. The porch lights started blinking. Donovan pulled away and started laughing. I tried to catch my breath.

“I don’t think that’s ever happened to me before.”

“What does that mean?” He laughed as he helped me off the hood.

“It means that we are being spied on by your technical parents.” My cheeks grew even redder. How embarrassing.

“Oh, God.” Donovan tucked my hair behind my ear.

“What are you doing tomorrow?” I smiled.

“Seeing you?” He nodded.

“Sounds good. I’ll come over here after work.” He grabbed my face and kissed me.

“I love you.” He kissed me again.

“I love you, too,” I told him. He gave me another kiss and the lights flickered. Donovan chuckled.

“Alright, I’m leaving.” He got into his car and waved to me. I walked into the house after Donovan’s car disappeared into the night. I walked into the kitchen and saw Billie sitting on the counter with a banana in his hand. He’s so weird.

“How was your date?” He asked all innocently. I walked over to the refrigerator and grabbed the grape juice. I grabbed a cup and poured some in.

“It was fun. Where’s Felicia?”

“She passed out thirty minutes ago. She’s in the guest room.” I nodded and took a sip.

“Donovan isn’t pressuring you to do anything, is he?” I shook my head.

“No. He’s actually done the opposite. And don’t worry we haven’t had sex or anything like that. I probably won’t have sex with anyone for a very long time.” Billie sighed dramatically.

“I don’t know how I feel about that. Don’t get me wrong I want you to wait until you’re at least 50 before you have sex but I don’t want you to let what happened to you take away something that’s supposed to be...awesome.” And it started getting awkward. I sat my cup down.

“On that note, I am going to bed.” Billie laughed.

“Sorry for making it awkward.” I smiled at him before going into my room. I changed into my pajamas and got into bed with a smile on my face.