Falling Out

I parked my car in front Tyler’s house. It was empty except for his sleek, black name brand car that didn’t really matter to me. I couldn’t move. I hated this.

Stealing from Billie and Adrienne these past two months has gone almost completely unnoticed except for this last time. I was greedy and stole too much which prompted Billie to question everyone, even Felicia, which only made her upset and me feeling guilty. When he didn’t get an answer as to why that much money had gone missing he hasn’t kept his wallet out in the open and Adrienne has kept her purse in her room. And sadly my need for them has grown into about twelve a day.

I don’t know why it has grown so much. it was like my tolerance for them were getting stronger and stronger and I needed more to get higher and higher. The more I needed, the more money I needed. I had sunken to a new low about a week ago. I had stolen from my beloved Donovan. I’m pretty sure if I asked him for the money he would have given it to me but I couldn’t handle the questions that went along with it. He was always filled with so many questions.

So here I was about to do something repulsive that I didn’t want to think about it. I hated myself, I really did. Donovan will be so hurt if he ever finds out about any of this. Especially after two weeks ago we were professing our love for each other. What made me feel even guiltier is that he’s at work right now and he thinks I am at the library studying. He’s going to hate me so much. And I deserve it after tonight. I’d rather be raped by Jim for seven more years then seeing the hurt on Donovan’s face.

I sniffled as I took off Donovan’s jacket and sat it down on the passenger seat. I tried to stop the tears from falling but they wouldn’t stop. They just flowed. That was the problem when I ran low or out completely. I cried more than I usually did. I hated crying but I hate myself more.

I got out of the car and trudged up the stairs. I stood there staring at the doorbell trying to make myself turn around. What am I doing? Am I really going to do this? I should turned around and run back to my car. But I didn’t. I pressed it. After a few seconds Derrick opened the door.

“Amber. Why are you here?” He asked.

“I need to see Tyler.” He nodded before moving out the way. I entered and followed Derrick up the stairs to Tyler’s room.

“Hey, man, Amber Benson is here,” Derrick said through the crack of the door. Derrick moved out the way and let me in. He closed the door. It was just the two of us. Tyler was sitting at his desk with his arms crossed. He had that smirk on his face.

“Amber, Amber, Amber, what are you doing here?”

“What do you think? I need some.” He got up.

“How much?” I closed my eyes making the tears fall down.

“I don’t have any money.” That made him snicker. Evil snickering.

“Uh-huh. What do you want me to do abou-oh, I get it. Other ways.” He sat down on his bed.

“Okay, here’s the deal. Ten for letting me see your naked body, twenty for oral on me, and fifty for sex. As a bonus if you let me eat you out I’ll give you thirty.” I looked at him in disbelief. He said it so fast that I almost didn’t catch it. But I was just lying to myself. I didn’t catch it. I caught all of it. What’s wrong with me?

“What? Why-why would you want to do that last thing?” He stood up and got close to me.

“No matter what, women always orgasm. To me, that’s the ultimate sex act, making women orgasm, and it makes me feel powerful. If you do all of it you get 110. Seems reasonable to me.” I shook my head.

“I can’t have sex with you. No.” Tyler groaned.

“If it’s because of your stupid boyfriend you don’t have to worry about me telling him. I can keep a secret. Which is more than likely the reason considering you lost your morals a long time ago.”

“I was raped for seven years by my uncle.” I don’t know where that came from. Maybe I was hoping he would feel sorry for me. For a split second I saw his expression change to shock. He quickly threw that away and replaced it was his stupid non-caring face.

“Congratulations? Am I supposed to feel sorry for you? I don’t care what you went through. I don’t give that deal to anyone. I’m only giving it to you because you’ve been a loyal customer and I like you.” I shook my head as tears fell down my face.

“You’re disgusting.” He sat down and smiled.

“I know and I am okay with it. You’re call.” I looked down at my hands. They were shaking. It’s been three days since I had them and I felt so sick. I stared at my hands. I turned around and walked out of his room. I ran downstairs but was stopped by Derrick.

“For what it’s worth I think it’s gross what he’s doing to you. He does it to a lot of girls.” He handed me a blue bottle with liquid sloshing around in it. I grabbed it and looked at it. I looked at him.

“It helps.” He walked away. I unscrewed the cap off. I took a deep breath before tilting the bottle up and take a huge gulp, which was stupid because I nearly threw up at the taste. I let a breath before taking another gulp and ignoring the nasty taste. I took another and another. My body began to feel hot after a few minutes later. My brain felt mushy and my eye sight wasn’t clear. I started to walk up the stairs but had to hold onto the rails so I wouldn’t fall. I stood before his door and stared at it. Even though I was drunk I still knew what I was doing was so messed up. So fucking disgusting. So blurry. Blurred lines. I started breathing heavy and panic sunk in.

It was all his fault. All his fault. Billie. All his fault. He shouldn’t have fell in love with her. He should have left her all alone. I wouldn’t be here. I don’t want to be here. But I have to be.

I closed my eyes and did what I learned to young in life. I shut it all off. I shut off the feelings. I shut off the thinking. I was blank. Just blank.

I walked in. Tyler stood up. I dropped the bottle and it spilt all over his floor. I didn’t care. I took off my shirt and slid my pants down.

“Wow. You are a freak.” He took off his clothes. I stumbled onto his bed. I didn’t feel anything.

Thirty minutes later when it was all done I curled away from him as he lit a cigarette. He got up and went into his closet. He pulled out a box filled with orange bottles and white bottles and white powder and pot. He then proceeded to count out pills into a white bag. When he was done he dropped them by my clothes.

“There you go. You have a few minutes to get out,” he said as his cigarette dangled out of his mouth and he was putting pants on. When he was done he walked out. I sat up and put my clothes on. I grabbed the bag and began to walk out.

“Should we let her drive like that?” I heard Derrick say as I was on the last few stairs.

“I don’t care what she does.” I walked out. When I got into my car I burst into tears. I opened the bag and took five out, swallowing them. I cranked my car and drove to the house narrowly missing two cars on the way. I quickly ran to my room and locked my door. I slid down my door and stared at the picture of my mother on the wall that was across the room. It was the only professionally taken picture that we had done. I was three years old and in this cute yellow dress that matched my mom’s yellow dress. I was smiling big with teeth. I looked so happy. I don’t remember that day.

If Mom could see me right now she will be so mad at me. She’d hate me. She’d be disgusted with me. I’m disgusted with me. I got up and grabbed some pajamas and took a shower. I scrubbed my body raw trying to get rid of any trace of Tyler. Flashbacks of what happened earlier today and what happened in my past started to flash together. It went back and forth. Tyler. Jim. Tyler. Jim. I steadied myself against the shower wall, trying to catch my breath. What did I do? What did I do? Donovan is going to hate me. I can’t handle him hating me. I slid down the wall and sat down letting the water pour over me. I brought my legs up to my chest and hugged them. I sat there for a while until the water ran cold. The pills had kicked in with force and I was okay, as okay as I’ll ever be. I got out and got dressed. I went back to my room and lied down. I didn’t want to think.

When 7:30 rolled on by someone knocked on my door. I closed my eyes and pretended to be asleep. I heard the door open and close. I felt my bed sink in and I immediately turned around. Donovan was lying there smiling.

“I’m sorry did I wake you?” I shook my head already feeling like I was about to burst into tears. He saw that and frowned.

“What’s wrong?” I shook my head. I couldn’t talk to him. I turned around and curled on my side, my back facing him. I felt his arm drape over me. I’m glad the covers were covering me and preventing him to touch me. If he touched my I would probably offend him by pushing his arm off. Because he didn’t need to touch this broken, fucked up person lying next to him.

“You can talk to me, Amber.” I closed my eyes.

“I don’t want to talk, Donovan. I’m tired,” I murmured.

“Okay. I’ll lay here with you until Billie kicks me out. I need a nap anyway.” He got closer to me. A few minutes later I heard him snore. I didn’t want him to be here. I didn’t want him anywhere near me. I was gross and didn’t deserve him.

“Donovan,” I said loud, “wake up.” I felt him stir before he spoke.

“What’s wrong?”

“I need you to go.” I didn’t look at him. I couldn’t.

“Why? Does Billie want me to leave?”

“No. I want you to leave. I need to be alone.” He got up and rounded my bed. He knelt before me. I didn’t look at him.

“What’s wrong? Just tell me.”

“Just leave, Donovan. Just go. I want to be alone.” I said a little bit louder. He got up and gave out a frustrated sigh.

“Fine. But Amber...you need to quit pushing me away because someday you won't have anyone to be here to push away.” He grabbed his keys off my desk before walking out. I put the covers over my head, wanting to disappear forever.