Falling Out

“Goodnight, Joey,” he turned his back to me. I sighed and closed the door to his room. I forgot how cranky eleven year old boys can be. Of course, I never really had an eleven year old child until this one. Well, not one I knew about anyway. I glanced at Amber’s door. I wanted to walk over there and check on her but I thought against it.

I walked to the end of the hall, into mine and Adrienne’s room. I heard the shower running and smirked. I started envisioning her naked. I was about to walk into our bathroom, get naked, and get into the shower with her but right when I reached the door she shut the shower off. I sighed and walked into our closet instead, throwing my dirty clothes on the floor and just staying in my boxers. I got into the bed and grabbed the notebook that I kept by the bed. I started writing random string of words down when Adrienne came into the room in her black nightie with her skin still slightly wet. God, she is beautiful.

“Billie, I am starting to worry about Amber,” Adrienne said when she got into bed. I put the notebook down and faced her.

“What do you mean?” She scoffed. She gave me that ‘are you serious?’ look that usually made me feel dumb. Her tone when she started her next statement made me feel even smaller.

“Are you blind or something? She’s looked like the walking dead these past few days. She hasn’t been eating or going to her friend’s house. And her attitude has gotten worse. She’s just so different from the first weeks she was here. When she got here she was so obedient and wanted to clean everything. Not that her being obedient was a good thing, I understand why she was like that, but she was nice. And now she is so mean and quiet. Something is up with her.” I ran my hand through my hair.

“What do you want me to do about it?” Adrienne straightened up and looked at me in disbelief.

“I want you to be her father, Billie Joe. I want you to do something other than watching your daughter slowly deteriorate in front of you. I want you to talk to her, to understand her. I want you to do something other than twiddling your fucking thumbs.” I groaned.

“I am being a father to her, Adrienne! I am doing my best. What more do you want from me?” Adrienne got out of bed and grabbed her pillow.

“You are not doing your best, Billie Joe Armstrong. Something bad has happened to her this past week and I want you to get to the bottom of it. She is hurting and you aren’t doing anything about it.” She walked away. I got up.

“Where are you going?”

“To the guest room. You pissed me off and it’s best if I’m not around you.” She shut the door behind her. I sighed and looked at the alarm clock on my side of the bed. It was almost eleven. Amber was probably up...or she might not be. I don’t really know when she goes to sleep. I walked out of my room and knocked on Amber’s door. When I didn’t hear anything I opened the door slowly.

“Amber?” She was asleep. I sighed and closed the door. I walked back into my bedroom and got back into bed. I wasn’t stupid. I knew something was up with Amber. Not just recently but for a long time now. Her moods seemed to jump around like a ping pong ball. I’ve noticed; I just don’t know what to do. Am I supposed to start her in therapy? Am I supposed to discipline her? And if so, discipline her for what? She’s generally a good kid. She gets snappy sometimes but that’s what teenagers do. That’s what I did and still do.

I spent the rest of night trying to figure out what I was going to say and I came up with nothing. Before I knew it my alarm was going off to wake up the kids for school. I got up and put some regular clothes on. I was about to knock on Joey’s door when Adrienne walked out of the guest room. I walked over to her and wrapped my arms around her.

“I’m sorry, baby. I’m an idiot. Can you forgive me?”

“Are you going to talk to Amber?” I nodded.

“Fine. I forgive you. I want you to be more attentive, okay?” I nodded. She kissed me before walking into Joey’s room. I knocked on Amber’s door.

“Amber, wake up.” When she didn’t answer I slowly opened the door. I saw that she was still asleep. I walked over to her and shook her.

“Amber, get up.” She opened her eyes. She had dark circles under her eyes and she looked so tired. She sat up and rubbed her eyes. I noticed her hands and how thin they were. I looked at her face and saw that it was sunken in. I never realized how thin she was. I guess Adrienne was right, she hasn’t been eating.

“I’m up.” She said after a few awkward seconds of me looking at her. I walked out and shut the door. I leaned against it. Seeing her like that made me realize more that I needed to talk to her. I walked into my room and got my cell phone. I looked up Donovan’s number. I pressed the call button and it started ringing.

“Hello?” Donovan answered groggily.

“Donovan, this is Billie. Sorry for waking you up-”

“Did something happen to Amber?” He cut me off. That was weird.

“What do you mean?”

“She’s skipped most of yesterday and when she came she looked like she’d been crying all day and she’s just been acting weird.” I sat on the bed. She skipped school yesterday?

“That’s what I wanted to talk to you about it. I’m going to bring her to school this morning but I won’t be able to pick her up. Do you think you can bring her back?”

“Yeah. If there is anything I can do to help just let me know.”

“I will.” We hung up. Adrienne walked into the room and began changing her clothes.

“Who were you talking to?”

“Donovan. Did you know Amber skipped school yesterday?” She gave me a confused look as she put her shirt on.

“No. Where did she go? To Donovan’s?” I shook my head.

“No because he was actually at school. I have no clue where she went.” Adrienne just shrugged. We went downstairs and she started cooking breakfast. Well, she didn’t cook anything. She just heated pop tarts up. I grabbed Amber’s keys and put them in my pocket. I know when she comes down she’s just going to get her granola bar, her keys, and walk out. At least now she’ll talk to me. I poured me some coffee and sat at the table and waited.

Like clockwork, Amber came down and grabbed a granola bar. She was in the clothes she had on yesterday. Amber went to grab her keys when she saw that they weren’t in their usual spot.
She turned and looked me.

“Where are my keys?” She asked.

“I’m taking you to school this morning. You need your oil changed.” Her shoulders slumped like this news was the worst thing she has ever heard. I frowned and took a sip of my coffee.

“Fine. I’ll wait in the car.” She walked out of the kitchen. I got up and Adrienne patted my back.

“Good luck.” I kissed her again, walked out, and got into the car. I set my mug in the cup holder and looked at Amber. She was staring out the window. I started the car and started to drive. About three minutes into the car ride I got up the nerve to talk to her. I can masturbate in front of hundreds of thousands of strangers but I literally have to work up a nerve to speak to my 17 year old daughter.

“Are you okay?” Way to start that conversation off, Billie Joe. She didn’t answer, as expected.

“Amber, answer me please.” She turned to look at me.

“I’m fine. Just stressed out with school.”

“This wouldn’t be the same school that you’ve been skipping, is it?” She sighed in frustration.

“I only skipped yesterday and it wasn’t even the whole day.”

“Where did you go?”

“Tre’s house. He wasn’t home before you freak out.” I ran my hand through my hair. At least she was being honest. Well, I think she was being honest. We were silent for a minute. We were almost to her school. I tapped on my steering wheel as I tried to figure out how I was going to say this. I pulled into parking lot and parked.

“Thanks for the ride.” She was quick to unlock the door and try to escape.

“Stop.” She did.

“Look at me.” She turned and looked at me. She looked terrible. Her eyes looked dead. She looked dead. A totally different person.

“You’ve been really distant lately. Not only distant but it seems like you’ve been all over the place with your moods and it’s worrisome. So, when I get home I am going to make you an appointment with a therapist-”

“No.” She started to shake her head and tears started to well.

“Yes, Amber. You are going to see someone. Something is wrong and you need help-”

“No, I don’t. I am not crazy.”

“I know you aren’t crazy. Going to a therapist doesn’t make you crazy.”

“Oh, therapy, can you please fill the void? Am I retarded or am I just overjoyed? Nobody’s perfect and I stand accused for lack of a better word and that’s my excuse.” I sighed.

“Really?”

“Weren’t you being sarcastic when you sang that? Why should I see someone when you don’t even take it seriously?”

“Because we aren’t talking about me. We are talking about you and you need to see someone.” I went to grab her hands but she jerked them back.

“Don’t touch me. My car doesn’t need an oil change, does it? This was your way of trapping me to listen to you! For-for you to tell me that I need to talk to someone. I’m not talking to anyone, Billie Joe. You can’t make me.” Her voice was shaky from trying to hold back her tears. She sounded so scared. I don’t blame her. If my mom had pulled this stunt with me after my dad died I would react the same way.

But this was different. She is different. She needed to talk to someone who knew what they were doing. She needed to get help.

“Yes, I can. You are going.” She scoffed.

“You’ll just be wasting your money.” I heard a bell ring which made her groan in anger.

“Great. Just...great. Now I am late for first period. Thank you for that, Billie Joe.” She pulled out a piece of paper and pen and handed it to me. She called me Billie Joe. It didn’t go unnoticed.

“Write me a note so I won’t get into trouble.” I did as she told me. I handed her the paper back. She snatched the paper out of my hand.

“I’m sorry for making you late.”

“Whatever. Billie Joe, I don't want to hear about therapy, I don't want to scream about it, I just don't want to hear it any more. I don’t want your concern, your sympathy, or your honesty. I just want to be left alone.” She got out of the car and slammed the door shut. My heart sank.