Falling Out
Seven
When we parked in front of the clinic Billie handed me a hat and a pair of sunglasses. I looked at them. Why did I have to wear these? Was he ashamed to be seen with me?
As if he was reading my mind, Billie looked at me.
“It’s just so we won’t be recognized. Even though Dr. Thomas assured me that this was a very discreet clinic, paparazzi and crazy protesters are like STD’s. You think you got rid of them but they just flare up and fuck with you. It’s the downside of being famous.” I put on the hat and sunglasses and looked at Billie. I still recognized him as Billie Joe Armstrong even in the blue shirt and basketball shorts he wore. I guess he was trying to blend in. It just made him more conspicuous to me.
I followed behind Billie as he got out of the car. I looked down as I walked. I had wished Adrienne to come with us but she had to stay home with the boys. When we walked into the clinic, no one was there. Well they had someone behind the desk but no one else was having a procedure being done. The lady smiled at us when we approached her. Billie took his sunglasses off. I didn’t.
“We are here to see Dr. Guillery.”
“I’ll let her know that you are here. Please, have a seat and fill these out.” She handed Billie a clipboard. We sat down in the chairs. They were comfortable for being waiting room chairs. When he filled out what he needed to he handed me the clipboard to fill out the stuff he didn’t know, like my birthday. I wasn’t nervous. I was anxious. I wanted it out. I hated what was growing inside of me.
When I got back from the Dr. Thomas’ office I had changed my clothes to be more comfortable. I knew what I wanted to do and I just wanted to be comfortable. When Billie knocked on the door yesterday I had the blade in my hand and was ready to end it. Break the habit. I wasn’t crying. I wanted it. I had stood in that position, blade against my wrist, for a few minutes. It's not like I had never been in this position before. I was going back and forth in my head on whether to do it or not. Of course I had doubt but this was the last straw. I couldn’t handle it anymore. And right when I had decided to do it, right when I was about to slice up, Billie had knocked on the door. I had to quickly put it all up before he got suspicious. Another knock and my name rang from the other side of the door before I realized that the door was locked. I liked having the choice to have the door locked; to determine who entered this room.
When he walked in and I sat on the bed, he went instantly to the desk. My heart started to beat faster when I realized that I didn’t close the puzzle box all the way. I watched him intensely as he started looking through Mom’s old records. I didn’t stop him. When he turned around and caught me looking I was a little relieved that he didn’t look at the box or try to open it.
After we talked and he left I just lied in the bed, covered up. I didn’t move the rest of the day only when I had to go to the bathroom. After about three hours into lying there and just staring I realized that Billie had just saved my life and I don't know if I'm happy about that.
“Amber?” I looked up when a nurse came into the room. I got up and handed her the clipboard. She did the same thing that the other nurse did yesterday, even making me take another pregnancy test. "It's procedure." When she brought me to a room I stripped down to a hospital gown. After a few minutes, she came back in and told me that the test confirmed that I was pregnant and they had to do another ultrasound. "It's procedure." When she agreed with Dr. Thomas’ initial statement, she wrote it down. When she was done she began to describe the procedure, which was called a suction abortion. I wasn’t paying attention to her. I didn’t care how they got rid of it, I wanted it out.
“Amber, I have to ask are you sure you want to do this?”
“Yes.” She handed me a small cup with three pills and some water. She grabbed the cups and threw them away when they were empty of it's contents.
“We have to wait about 30 minutes for the oral pain medication to kick in. You can go back out in the waiting room or stay in here.” I opted to stay in the room. The hour flew by and I started to feel really relaxed. I knew the half hour was up when the doctor came in with gloves on her hands and a mask on her face. She introduced herself to me but I wasn’t paying attention. I was focusing on turning it off. It was easier to turn it off under the influence of these drugs. She laid me back and put my feet in stirrups.
“...you will feel a little pressure.” I just stared ahead, not feeling anything emotionally. I could feel later.
Before I knew it, it was done. Gone. Dead. I felt little relief.
They put a heating pad over my lower stomach and handed me juice with a straw and graham crackers.
“You will feel a little bit of cramping and that’s normal. The heating pad will help with that. Just sit tight for a few minutes and rest before you change back to your clothes, okay?” I nodded.
“You will be spotting for the rest of the day so here is a menstrual pad. I will be back in a few minutes.” I nodded again and they walked out, carrying the trash with them. I sat up a little and drank the juice and ate the graham crackers. I don’t know why they gave them to me but I was glad they did. I was a little hungry after that. When I was done, I put my clothes on. Right when I sat back on the bed Dr. Guillery came back in.
“How are you feeling?” I shrugged. I didn’t trust my voice right now.
“Okay. I am writing a prescription for an antibiotic. You should take all of them as directed to help fight off infection. Do you want me to write you a prescription for birth control? It will help regulate your periods.” I nodded. I watched her as she scribbled down the prescriptions and handed them to me. I stared at them. I don’t know why doctor’s signatures were so messy and impossible to read. It was like trying to understand what hieroglyphics meant or what those Chinese symbols on Mom's ankle. I would hate to be a pharmacist and try to decipher them.
She told me that when I get home that I should stay in bed for the rest of the day and that I would be able to resume normal activities tomorrow. She walked me out to the waiting room where Billie was reading a magazine. He looked up when the door closed and got up, setting the magazine down on the seat.
“Everything okay?” He asked as he scratched the back of his head. I wouldn’t blame him for being awkward. I wouldn’t know what to ask either.
“Everything went fine, Mr. Armstrong. She needs to stay in bed for the rest of the day and she’ll be fine.” Billie shook her hand.
“Thank you.” She nodded before walking away. Billie paid the lady behind the desk as I put on my disguise. When we got home after filling my prescriptions, I went straight to the room and lied down, falling asleep immediately.
As if he was reading my mind, Billie looked at me.
“It’s just so we won’t be recognized. Even though Dr. Thomas assured me that this was a very discreet clinic, paparazzi and crazy protesters are like STD’s. You think you got rid of them but they just flare up and fuck with you. It’s the downside of being famous.” I put on the hat and sunglasses and looked at Billie. I still recognized him as Billie Joe Armstrong even in the blue shirt and basketball shorts he wore. I guess he was trying to blend in. It just made him more conspicuous to me.
I followed behind Billie as he got out of the car. I looked down as I walked. I had wished Adrienne to come with us but she had to stay home with the boys. When we walked into the clinic, no one was there. Well they had someone behind the desk but no one else was having a procedure being done. The lady smiled at us when we approached her. Billie took his sunglasses off. I didn’t.
“We are here to see Dr. Guillery.”
“I’ll let her know that you are here. Please, have a seat and fill these out.” She handed Billie a clipboard. We sat down in the chairs. They were comfortable for being waiting room chairs. When he filled out what he needed to he handed me the clipboard to fill out the stuff he didn’t know, like my birthday. I wasn’t nervous. I was anxious. I wanted it out. I hated what was growing inside of me.
When I got back from the Dr. Thomas’ office I had changed my clothes to be more comfortable. I knew what I wanted to do and I just wanted to be comfortable. When Billie knocked on the door yesterday I had the blade in my hand and was ready to end it. Break the habit. I wasn’t crying. I wanted it. I had stood in that position, blade against my wrist, for a few minutes. It's not like I had never been in this position before. I was going back and forth in my head on whether to do it or not. Of course I had doubt but this was the last straw. I couldn’t handle it anymore. And right when I had decided to do it, right when I was about to slice up, Billie had knocked on the door. I had to quickly put it all up before he got suspicious. Another knock and my name rang from the other side of the door before I realized that the door was locked. I liked having the choice to have the door locked; to determine who entered this room.
When he walked in and I sat on the bed, he went instantly to the desk. My heart started to beat faster when I realized that I didn’t close the puzzle box all the way. I watched him intensely as he started looking through Mom’s old records. I didn’t stop him. When he turned around and caught me looking I was a little relieved that he didn’t look at the box or try to open it.
After we talked and he left I just lied in the bed, covered up. I didn’t move the rest of the day only when I had to go to the bathroom. After about three hours into lying there and just staring I realized that Billie had just saved my life and I don't know if I'm happy about that.
“Amber?” I looked up when a nurse came into the room. I got up and handed her the clipboard. She did the same thing that the other nurse did yesterday, even making me take another pregnancy test. "It's procedure." When she brought me to a room I stripped down to a hospital gown. After a few minutes, she came back in and told me that the test confirmed that I was pregnant and they had to do another ultrasound. "It's procedure." When she agreed with Dr. Thomas’ initial statement, she wrote it down. When she was done she began to describe the procedure, which was called a suction abortion. I wasn’t paying attention to her. I didn’t care how they got rid of it, I wanted it out.
“Amber, I have to ask are you sure you want to do this?”
“Yes.” She handed me a small cup with three pills and some water. She grabbed the cups and threw them away when they were empty of it's contents.
“We have to wait about 30 minutes for the oral pain medication to kick in. You can go back out in the waiting room or stay in here.” I opted to stay in the room. The hour flew by and I started to feel really relaxed. I knew the half hour was up when the doctor came in with gloves on her hands and a mask on her face. She introduced herself to me but I wasn’t paying attention. I was focusing on turning it off. It was easier to turn it off under the influence of these drugs. She laid me back and put my feet in stirrups.
“...you will feel a little pressure.” I just stared ahead, not feeling anything emotionally. I could feel later.
Before I knew it, it was done. Gone. Dead. I felt little relief.
They put a heating pad over my lower stomach and handed me juice with a straw and graham crackers.
“You will feel a little bit of cramping and that’s normal. The heating pad will help with that. Just sit tight for a few minutes and rest before you change back to your clothes, okay?” I nodded.
“You will be spotting for the rest of the day so here is a menstrual pad. I will be back in a few minutes.” I nodded again and they walked out, carrying the trash with them. I sat up a little and drank the juice and ate the graham crackers. I don’t know why they gave them to me but I was glad they did. I was a little hungry after that. When I was done, I put my clothes on. Right when I sat back on the bed Dr. Guillery came back in.
“How are you feeling?” I shrugged. I didn’t trust my voice right now.
“Okay. I am writing a prescription for an antibiotic. You should take all of them as directed to help fight off infection. Do you want me to write you a prescription for birth control? It will help regulate your periods.” I nodded. I watched her as she scribbled down the prescriptions and handed them to me. I stared at them. I don’t know why doctor’s signatures were so messy and impossible to read. It was like trying to understand what hieroglyphics meant or what those Chinese symbols on Mom's ankle. I would hate to be a pharmacist and try to decipher them.
She told me that when I get home that I should stay in bed for the rest of the day and that I would be able to resume normal activities tomorrow. She walked me out to the waiting room where Billie was reading a magazine. He looked up when the door closed and got up, setting the magazine down on the seat.
“Everything okay?” He asked as he scratched the back of his head. I wouldn’t blame him for being awkward. I wouldn’t know what to ask either.
“Everything went fine, Mr. Armstrong. She needs to stay in bed for the rest of the day and she’ll be fine.” Billie shook her hand.
“Thank you.” She nodded before walking away. Billie paid the lady behind the desk as I put on my disguise. When we got home after filling my prescriptions, I went straight to the room and lied down, falling asleep immediately.
