Falling Out

“Son of a fucking bitch!” I jumped, dropping my spoon in my Cinnamon Toast Crunch. I looked at Adrienne who looked just as confused as I did. A few minutes later Billie, Tre, and Mike walked into the kitchen. My cheeks turned red as I looked down. I had just woken up and looked a mess.

“What the hell, Billie?” Adrienne asked. He looked at me, his eyes filled with anger. Oh God, what did I do? Did I mess up something up in his basement? When I was down there listening to his ‘Warning’ record, I examined all his guitars and couldn’t help but touch his blue one with many stickers. I read that that was the guitar that his father had given him before he had died but I just ran my finger across the red duct tape that spelled out his initials. I probably left a smudge on it or something. Why did I touch it? So, so stupid.

“I’m sorry, Amber.” I was shocked when the words left his lips. I was expecting him to yell at me or call me names.

Tre put a magazine in front of me. I picked it up and read the cover. It was The National Enquirer. It had a picture of this blonde woman looking off to the side. Under her face read in big letters:

Keith’s lies & betrayal lead to...
NICOLE’S DIVORCE AGONY
She discovers ALL husbands’s secrets as he enters rehab.

As I looked past her photo, not knowing who she was, I looked at the corner of the page. It was a picture of Billie in sunglasses, a hat, and a familiar blue shirt and basketball shorts. I was right beside him. The words that read on top of it were GREEN DAY’S MISTRESS REVEALED!.

My eyes widened as I looked up at Billie. He wasn’t looking at me. I turned to the page number where the article was. It had a three other shots of Billie and I leaving the clinic a week ago. I started to read the article.

Billie Joe Armstrong, 34, was seen leaving a known celebrity abortion clinic with someone who isn’t his wife! The rock star was seen leaving this clinic with a very young girl on Thursday, June 22, with the young women pictured above. Who is this woman with the Green Day front man? No one knows. But sources have said that this is Billie Joe Armstrong’s new floozy of the month.

I put the magazine down, not wanting to read the rest. I couldn’t look at anyone. Not only does Tre and Mike know but not the whole world knows and what they know is not even the truth. And who were these “sources” and why would they believe them?

Adrienne grabbed the magazine and began reading it. Her hand went to her mouth, covering her shocked expression, as she read the whole thing.

“How are you going to handle this?” Adrienne asked. Before anyone can answer, I stood up. I was angry.

“I was told that no one would know, Billie Joe! You told me that-that clinic was discreet. Why would you take me to a clinic that is known to cater to celebrities? Now you will have to explain to your buddies and everyone that you know why you were at an abortion clinic. Now everyone will know what has happened to me. They will know how disgusting I am for letting him rape me. People will think I am gross.” The whole room became silent. I didn’t look at anyone but Billie who looked taken by my outburst. I felt the tears starting to come but I pushed them back. I didn't need to show more weakness.

“I have nothing to do with this, Amber. I only went to the clinic because Dr. Thomas said it was discreet. And fuck everyone. I don’t have to tell anyone a god damned thing if I don’t want to. This magazine is crap. Everything that is written in it is usually wrong and it’s just idle gossip.” Billie said.

“Amber, we don’t care what other people thinks. We don’t have to do anything about this.” Mike piped up.

“And not one of us thinks you are disgusting or gross, Amber. It wasn’t your fault what happened to you, even if you think you let him rape you. No one lets anyone rape them. You didn’t have the control to tell anyone because both your aunt and uncle took that away from you. You are the total opposite of disgusting and gross. You are beautiful and strong.” Tre said as he looked straight into my eyes. I don’t know how I felt about this dead on glare or his words. It didn’t make me uncomfortable but it didn’t make me comfortable. It made my cheeks reddened.

“We just don’t want anyone to think negative of you. We knew that the public will find out about you eventually but we wanted to do it on our terms,” Billie said after he gave Tre a little glare. I just shook my head before leaving the kitchen and going upstairs to the room that I was occupying, locking the door. I went to the puzzle box and went to my mechanism. I pulled up my sleeve and coped six times.

I placed a dirty t-shirt on the cuts, watching the blood absorb in the fabric. I was still angry and didn’t feel the seconds of relief that I normally did when I would do this. So I picked up the blade off the bed and did it another six times. The anger was still peeking through, tears pricking my eyes. I put the blade down and let the tears fall. It wasn’t working anymore. It wasn’t working for this situation. Why wasn’t it working?

Arm still bloody, I grabbed the pills on my bedside. Taking them orally always took them longer. I looked at the pills. I heard a group of girls at my old school say that snorting their medication made it work faster.

I grabbed the blade and chopped up three pills into thin, white powder. I grabbed a piece of paper and ripped it in half before rolling it into a straw. I placed the makeshift tube in my nose, closing the other nostril, and inhaled the powder. I lifted my head and sniffed. It burned my nose and the aftertaste was gross. I wiped the powder residue off the side table and I put the blade back in its place. I grabbed the bloody t-shirt, pulled my sleeve down, thankful that I was wearing a black long sleeved shirt, and went to the bathroom. I turned on the water and started to wash the blood off my arm, the cuts stinging from the water’s touch.

When I was done I felt the calm. I felt the relief that I wanted. I felt the anger slide off of me and my breathing was slow and steady. I felt...better, which was nice. I used the bloody shirt and patted dry my arm. I pulled my sleeve down, not feeling the after-cut feeling my skin used to feel. All the pain was gone.

I walked back into the room and hid the shirt under the mattress. Right when I sat on the bed there was a knock at the door. I turned my head in that direction. Tre stood at the doorway.

“Hey,” he said, smiling. I nodded at him. He walked over to the desk chair and sat down. He looked really casual today in some regular blue jeans and a red graphic t-shirt. He was looking at me intensely, the same way he was looking at me in the kitchen when he called me beautiful and strong. I don’t know how he could see something like that in me.

“Are you okay?” I hated that question. Of course I wasn’t okay. I was raped by my uncle and nearly killed by aunt. I watched my mother die of breast cancer. I never knew my father and when I met him I was on page 53 in some stupid magazine that was claiming that I was a whore. And worse of all, my go to coping mechanism wasn’t working.

I answered his question with a shrug.

“Billie said that you like our music.” He stated.

“Did he send you in here to check on me?” He shook his head, leaning back in the chair.

“Nah. He and Mike started talking about important stuff and I don’t care about any of that. I just do what I’m told and play the drums awesomely.” He gave me a wide smile. We were silent for a bit.

“That’s not weird for you, huh? That I like your music?” He shook his head.

“Nah. It’s pretty cool. Have you seen us live?” I gave him a look that basically told him that he was stupid. He chuckled.

“Sorry. That was stupid.” I wonder what Billie thought of him being alone in the same room with me. He must trust him to be in the room with me. But did I trust him? The only time I was left in a room alone with an older man was when he was on top of me and taking what he wanted.

“Maybe one day we can set up some random venue for us to play and you can watch us from the crowd or you can watch us from back stage. But it’s much more fun to watch from the crowd. Concerts are the best.” I didn’t say anything. I just watched his lips move. I thought they were interesting.

“Yoohoo, Amber?” His hand was in front of my face. I averted my eyes to his. He gave me a curious smile.

“Are you okay?” he asked again but this time with more concern. I nodded, my eyes feeling a little heavy. I tried to keep them as normal looking as possible but I think he knew what I was feeling. If everything that I’ve read was true about him and the rest of Green Day about drugs and alcohol, he definitely knew.

His eyes looked at the pills on the bed side table before looking back at me.

“Look, I don’t understand what you are going through but I get why you would take them. Just be careful.”

“My ribs are still hurting, Tre. I maybe took one too many.” I lied. I took two too many. He grabbed my hand and started talking but I wasn’t paying attention. I stared at it. If I weren’t under the influence I would have pulled my hand away. But I didn’t. I didn’t like it either. I wanted him to let go. But I didn’t say anything. And it was the arm that I shred, nothing needed to be said there.

He pulled away his hand, realizing that it was making me uncomfortable.

“I’m sorry, I’m a touchy person.”

“It’s okay.” We were silent for a bit.

“I knew Amanda for a long time.” He said randomly. I didn’t move. I didn’t want to hear anything about my mother right now. Even with the pills and the residual effects of the cutting I could still break down. But I didn’t stop him. I didn’t want to offend him.

“She and I were best friends, even before Billie and Mike met her. She was a hard ass. She always told us like it is. When she heard us do My Generation she told us that we needed to leave that song with the professionals and that we just ruined it. Billie was pissed when she told him that but he knew what he was getting into. She was our critic. She helped Billie write a couple of the songs that managed to get on Kerplunk! and Dookie. They were worried that she might sue us because we forgot to put her under the songwriters but I knew she wouldn’t. She didn’t care about herself when it came to our music. She only cared that we follow our dream.” His eyes looked like they were remembering her when he talked about her.

“When she broke up with Billie, it changed him. I couldn’t believe that they broke up because they were so in love and I thought that they would be together forever. Don’t get me wrong, I love Adrienne. She’s the best thing that has happened to Billie but she wasn’t Amanda. He was totally different with her.” He smiled at me.

“I bet she was a great mom, huh?” I just looked at him. I wish he would stop.

“When I had her.” We sat there in silence.

“I didn’t mean to blow up at Billie. I don’t know what came over me. I never blow up.” I said. Tre nodded.

“He understands. We all do.” I leaned against the headboard and brought my legs to my chest.

“You know...he always made sure that I took the morning after pill. Always. Every time he...” I trailed off, my thoughts still cloudy. I didn’t even know what I was saying or why I was saying it.

“Amber, you don’t have to-” I lifted my hand up and cut him off.

“I had so many opportunities to tell. So many. Every day I went to school I could have told anyone. But I didn’t. I don’t know why. Who was I protecting? Them? Why would I protect them?” I rambled.

“They didn’t threaten me. What could they threaten me with? Mom was dead, my father didn’t exist. They had no children. What made me stay?” I shook my head and looked at Tre with lazy eyes.

“Do you think maybe that...I secretly liked it?”

“No, I don’t.” I leaned my head back against the headboard, staring up at the ceiling.

“I mean, sometimes it felt good and I couldn’t help myself. I couldn’t.” I touched my face and it felt wet. I was crying. Why was I crying? I took the pills and cut so I wouldn’t cry. But I was. I didn’t feel them. The only reason why I touched my cheek was because my eyes glazed over with water.

“That doesn’t mean that you wanted it, Amber.” I brought my hands to my face, covering my eyes and trying to prevent the tears from coming.

“Everything always betrays me. My mom betrayed me by leaving forever, my father betrayed me by not even being there, my aunt and uncle betrayed me, hell, even my own body betrayed me. He thought that I wanted it when it happened. He would always whisper in my ear, ‘You want me, do you. You like this, do you.’ He would make me tell him that he was the best I ever had. I hate him. I hate him so much.” I was hysterical by this point.

“Now the prospect of having kids is ruined for me. Sex is ruined for me. I will be...this fucked up mess for the rest of my life. You know...I haven’t felt any human contact that wasn’t meant to hurt me since my mom died. Well, I hugged Adrienne but that was only for a second. Mom used to hold me for hours when I was a kid. We would just lie in her bed and she would hold me as we watch something on TV or just listen to music. But now I can’t even be touched without recoiling away or feeling so much panic that I might lose it. And it’s all their fault.” I closed my eyes, inhaling through my nose and exhaling out my mouth. After doing this a couple more times I started to feel calm. I looked at Tre. He was just sitting there and watching me; watching this crazy mess before his eyes. I looked down.

“You can leave now.”

“No, I’m going to stay here.” I looked at him.

“Why?”

“Just to make sure you don’t do anything stupid.” I rolled my eyes. It felt weird to do that. I never do anything so oppositional.

“Are you afraid I am going to kill myself or something?”

“Well, now I am. I just didn’t want you to take anymore pills.” Tre got up and sat on the bed. I brought my legs closer to my body.

“Do you want a hug?” He asked. I shook my head.

“I won’t hurt you, I promise. I won’t expect anything from you. It’ll be just a hug. You can trust me, Amber.” I stared at him. I don’t know if I could bring myself to do it but I knew I believed him when he said that I could trust him. I could. I don’t know if I ever would trust anyone but if I chose one person that I could trust it was him.

“I’m going to wrap my arms around you and all you have to do is relax, okay? If you don’t like it, just pull away, okay?” I didn’t move. Tre leaned closer to me and wrapped his arms around me. At first I was so stiff that you could probably knock me over with a tap of your finger. But then I relaxed. I let go of my legs and let them drape over Tre’s. My head remained down but Tre’s body got closer to me, letting me feel warmth. It was a nice feeling, hugging. It wasn't so bad. I felt Tre’s hand move up and down my back, trying to comfort me. He was about to pull away but I found myself wrapping my arms around him, keeping him here.

I didn’t want him to go.