Her Monologue

I laid on the bed staring at the wall my mind was racing with different scenarios that could happen now that Jax and probably the rest of these people knew about her. Would they judge her? Throw her away like everyone else? A soft knock brought me back to reality I looked over as Jax walked in the room, I looked back at the wall sighing. “What do you want?” I asked in a slight mumble. “I want to talk to you please.” He said softly I sat up on what no doubt was his bed I looked at him. “You can’t just snoop through people’s private lives like that Jackson, who gave you guys the right to search me? What do I look like a threat to your precious outlaw MC?” I looked at him with my eyes narrowed.

“No, you’re right it was wrong and it wasn’t my doing I just wanted to let you know what my mother had done if you want to blame me go ahead but I was trying to make things better for you.” He said looking at me as he sat by my side I looked at him and mumbled, “what all do you know about me?” I asked looking at him sadly almost like I had been defeated. “I’m trying to escape my past but it seems like no matter where I go someone digs it up and makes it hard for me to breathe again.” I said feeling the tears well up in my eyes. “I’ve been running since I can remember Jax, it never ends.” A tear fell down my cheek I wiped it away with my shirt sleeve.

“I’m not digging at your past Jesse,” He spoke softly putting a hand on my thigh. “I know everything that’s in public and police record.” He said to me; I sighed shaking my head as a few more tears slipped from my eyes. “Great.” I said softly and wiped at my eyes ferociously. “Don’t cry please, it’s nothing to be ashamed of Jesse, I read your past and you haven’t done anything bad. It seems like the people around you are the ones doing the bad things.” He said; his words did make the sting less painful but it still hurt. “Can I let you in on a little secret Jax?” I asked looking at him seriously. “It doesn’t matter if your mothers the one who kills your father people will look at you and go, ‘there she goes the girl whose mom went insane and killed her dad, think she’s going to be like her?’ I heard that so much when I was growing up, passed around from family member to family member. We always got shipped off because my dip shit brother always caused trouble.” I looked at my lap sadly.

“None of that is your fault.” He said softly and looked at me I felt him make me look at him. “My family is pretty fucked up too, and I’m slowly following in my fathers footsteps I don’t want to end up like him.” He said to me; he looked so sincerely at me I didn’t get it how could he be so, trusting and open with strangers I worked my whole life in solitude but there was just something about this man that made me want to spill my guts and tell him everything all my insecurities about myself, the way I get scared easily, the nightmares I have about people forgetting me. “Jax, how do you do it?” I asked looking at him.

“Do what?” He asked looking at me; “How do you open up to people so easily?” I asked softly not breaking the eye contact I had made with him. “I don’t, I’m fucked up inside Jesse I fuck thousands of girls I don’t even see their faces I don’t pay attention to many things, I drink a lot and I carry a gun I murder because it’s what I was taught.” He said to me; I looked at him scanning his face for any sign of a lie I covered my mouth when I saw how truthful he was being, “It’s all in how you’re raised Jesse and from what I can see of you, you’re not acting how you were raised but you’re rising above it. I wish I was strong enough to rise above how I was raised.” I looked at him I couldn’t believe he had opened up like that to me I hugged him gently, “You might be the ‘bad’ guy Jax but I do see some good in you.” I said to him and looked up when the one they called Juice knocked on the door. “Church,” Juice said I looked at Jax and nodded, “Have fun.” I closed the door after he left the room I sat down and rubbed my face calling Mia.

“Oh my god!” Mia said as she answered the phone for me I smiled hearing her voice, “You’re alive thank god, how are the crazy bikers treating you?” she asked I laughed softly, “Mia I need hel –“ she cut me off by saying “I’m on my way I’ll bring the cops,” My eyes widened “NO! Mia, no that’s not the kind of help I need. I kind of need some advice from you.” I said softly and ran a hand through my hair before sighing out, “Relationship advice actually.”

“You’re not falling for one of those insane bikers are you?” She asked I nibbled on my lip was I falling for him? “No, but he did open up to me and I just, I don’t know how to react or feel right now and I think I’d like to open up to him and talk to him but I don’t want to sound crazy or like I’m dependent on what he thinks of me.” I said sighing into the phone “Breathe Jesse, it will be okay I promise.” Promise…

“Don’t promise please Mia, I just need advice.” I said softly sounding a little colder than I actually had meant too. “Okay, uhm try talking about something that’s not tragic, find a middle ground with him ask him about, I don’t know family or something,” I groaned rubbing my face; That was not helping me at all. “Well as much as that’s a good idea I don’t think I should bring up his family or mine.” I said softly reminding her of my past I heard a loud groan from the other side, “That’s right, how could I forget okay. Uhm how about hobbies does he have any hobbies other than motorcycles and killing people?” She asked I had to do a double take at what she said “Wait, what did you say?”

“I said does he have any hobbies other than motorcycles and killing people.” She repeated herself I still couldn’t get over how she worded that. “I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear you say that and move on, Mia I just feel like I should tell him everything about me. I mean he hasn’t judged me and their computer geek Juice or whatever dug up all my records from all the places I’ve lived or all the shit I’ve done.” I heard Mia gasp.

“That’s illegal Jesse! You can press charges on that ju-person.” She said I sighed softly into the phone, “I don’t want to press charges that’s all I need is to have an angry motorcycle club after me because I turned in one of its members for hacking into personal information for personal use.” I said into the phone and rubbed my face. “What did they want with your personal information anyways?” Mia asked I sighed, “Who knows it was the guy’s mom that looked it up she seems like the type of woman who’s seen a few or should I say caused a few deaths.” I said softly; I could hear Mia whimper through the phone, “I’ll be okay Mia don’t worry. I won’t be here for too much longer and I’ll be able to move on with my life and never come back to charming again.” I said softly.

“Have you decided where you’re going?” She asked; I tapped my chin, “I hear Florida is nice all year round.” I said into the phone, “Florida!? That’s the other side of the country from me!” She shrieked at me, “I was expecting you to say something like Las Vegas or Texas or something on this side of the country!” I blinked at how emotional she was sounding, “Mia, I’m sorry…” I said softly and sighed, “You just don’t care do you?” Mia said into the phone. “Excuse me?” I said softly and frowned at her words. “I do fucking care you’re my best friend. My only friend.” I said sadly. “Then why are you leaving me?” I bit my lip and whispered, “I’m not leaving you, I’m…I’m trying to be normal for once in my miserable life and I cannot do that back home and I cannot do that here in charming either.” I sighed hearing the line go dead I looked at my phone and saw the dead battery symbol flashing as it was dead I groaned and dug through my bag for my charger plugging it into the wall socket.

“Are you okay in here?” I heard the woman's voice from outside the door I opened it slowly and smiled knowing that this bitch of a woman didn’t know I knew she looked into my past. “I’m fine my phone died in the middle of a conversation with my friend back home.” I said softly and sighed wondering if she heard everything I had said, “Oh sweet heart are you home sick?” She asked with fake sympathy I could see right through I nodded my head slowly, “Oh you know, leaving a small town all your home town friends.” I said softly and shrugged, “No family back home?” She asked I blinked a little and shook my head, “Nope my family is all in Stockton now.”

“Right,” She said and smiled, “Well, I do hope you enjoy your stay in charming.” She said and smiled fakely and walked off I looked down the hall as Jax walked out of the meeting room or as they called it their Church room. I turned on my heel and walked back into the room. If there was one thing I hated more then being lied to it was being lead on it really wasn’t good for my temper. I sighed out and looked over my shoulder feeling a person in the room behind me, I looked at Jax. “How was church?” I asked simply looking at him a I re-packed my bag. “You’re a little anal about cleanliness aren’t you?” Jax asked I looked around I just noticed I had pretty much cleaned this room from top to bottom and organized everything. “When I get stressed out I clean, when I’m lonely I clean.” I said softly and sighed. “So, do you have any Hobbies?” I asked him quickly; I must’ve looked like an idiot with how fast I had blurted out those words to him. “I do have a few, what about you?” He asked; I wanted to groan in frustration when he didn’t say what his hobbies were, some men seriously…