The Alexander Swallowtail

Attending my mother’s funeral had been the hardest thing I’d had to do in my short lifetime. Mrs Way had done a wonderful job at organising things and ended up sitting beside me to make sure I was okay throughout the day. Clarissa had sat by my other side, gently squeezing my hand every so often to let me know she was there. They all were. We only had a small family and my mother didn’t keep too many friends, but anyone and everyone I might have expected to see had turned up. I couldn’t have asked for much more than that; a lovely way to send my mother out.

Amongst the guests Mrs Way had taken to talking to one woman in particular, my aunt Isabelle, the both of them glancing in my direction every so often at the wake as I sat in my living room surrounded by people, yet feeling totally isolated from them all. I still hadn’t really processed the news I’d been given earlier in the morning. I was moving interstate, mostly for legal reasons. Apparently at 17 years of age with a recently deceased mother I was incapable of living by myself. Of course I understood the concerns that people had for me, but they didn’t seem to realise I’d been looking after myself for most of my life, with or without my mother being around. It hurt more than anything but I knew, given my circumstances, it was an opportunity to get away that I simply couldn’t pass up. I didn’t want to think about going back to school, with all the shit that had gone down recently between Roxanne and I, and now with everyone knowing what should only have been my own business. I didn’t really want to live by myself either, and moving in with the Ways seemed out of the question.

After the fifth time being told just how sorry people were for me, I had to leave the room. I found myself sitting on my bed staring at the mirror, pleased that I could see so much of my mother in my own face, from her lips to her eyes… we even shared the same beauty spot. I could hear gentle sobbing coming from the bathroom down the hallway, but it was more than curiosity that had got me to my feet.

I gently pushed the door open to find Kyle leaning against the basin, tears streaking his face. He didn’t say anything as I stood beside him, tears in my own eyes now. It was sort of comforting to realise that there were other people that understood how it felt to lose someone you loved. I wished then as we stood beside one another, almost complete strangers, that we could have been better acquainted. But perhaps that had been my mother’s plan all along, to keep us apart. I don’t think she intended on him finding out she was ill. I wondered if she’d known about it when they’d first met, but guessed I’d never really find out. It was clear from Kyle’s face that he was also struggling to understand why my mother had wanted to be so alone with it all. We couldn’t have done much to help… but I wished I could have been there for her all the same.

We left the bathroom together after a while, both our faces dry once more, to join the rest of the small crowd. As I was walking I felt a tug on my arm and allowed myself to be pulled into the kitchen and outside for a moment by Gerard.

“You holding up okay?” he asked. I rubbed my arm where he’d grabbed me a little too hard. “Sorry…”

“I’m better now.” I watched Gerard reach for his smokes and then casually act like he’d been straightening out the bottom of his black dress shirt, I guess realising just a little too late that it was probably inappropriate to smoke, given the circumstances. My mother hadn’t been a smoker, just unlucky.

“I don’t mind if you smoke,” I told him, sitting down on the back steps. He joined me a moment later, blowing smoke up into the air.

“I can’t believe after all you’ve just been through that they’re making you move,” Gerard then began. “My mum tried so hard to keep you here.”

“I wasn’t aware you knew.”

“I only found out because… well, it hardly matters now.”

“How is it that you found out before I did? How long have you known it was likely I’d have to move?” Gerard didn’t reply straight away, a nervous expression forming on his face as his eyes darted away from me.

“A few weeks now. My mother told me, to sort of… help sway me, I guess. You know, at first I was relieved.”

“What, because you wouldn’t have to put up with me anymore?”

“What? No! Because, well, it would uncomplicate things. You’ll be halfway across the country. When there were no options… well it made things a lot easier to think about.”

“Are you talking about the way you crushed me the other night? Because I can tell you although it may have been easy for you, it’s been hell for me. You always seem indifferent towards me. I guess now I know why.” Gerard seemed frustrated with me. I wanted so badly to call his bluff on what he’d said the other night, but feared he’d only deny having said anything to Mikey about me. Hell, I didn’t quite believe it myself, but I’d rather keep the fantasy than have to deal with harsh reality. And so I dug into him, hoping for an apology at best, ending up with a lot more than I bargained for.

“You want the truth?” he asked me, his eyes back on mine, his face appearing hard as he suppressed his emotions. “I heard you talking about me on the phone to someone, I’m guessing Clarissa. And if I’m right, then I know what she likely told you, and I don’t understand why you’re pressing the matter now to hear me admit it when you and I both know that nothing can come from it.” He took another drag from his cigarette as he awaited my reply, which came with more tears than I’d wanted it to.

“You didn’t have to lie to me, Gerard. It might have been nice to hear how you really felt when everything else in my life seems so dark right now.”

“Please don’t cry. Not again. Not over me. I’m not worth your sorrow. All we are is bullets to one another. It’s an accident just waiting to happen. You need more, and I can’t function knowing I’ll never be good enough for you.”

“That’s for me to decide.”

“I love you Alison. I’ve loved you for a long time now, at a painful distance, and was… terrified when you pulled me in like you did. When you needed me. It showed me I wasn’t enough for you after all. I couldn’t be there for you like Mikey could.”

“You were, Gerard. You were all I needed.” I got up then, my tears falling far too fast for my liking and the pained expression on Gerard’s face far too innocent to deal with at that moment. I felt hurt, disillusioned. Hearing him admit to how he’d felt hadn’t been as wonderful as I thought it would at one point, knowing that he was right; nothing could come from it.