The Alexander Swallowtail

I found my dreams were almost impossible to remember the instant I’d open my eyes, never sure as to what would provoke the tiny hairs to stand on the back of my neck. I almost forget where I was until the smell of new sheets mixed with someone’s personal scent filled my head. I felt my eyelids dipping and my muscles relaxing once more but the sound of the bedroom door opening and closing made my eyes widen. Mrs Way had said Gerard wouldn’t be home. I could almost taste my uneasiness as I thought of something to say, and wondered if it was light enough out yet to start walking back home. It wasn’t that I thought he wouldn’t understand it was just that, in all the times I’d slept at the Ways’ house, the only person’s mattress I’d ever stolen was Mikey’s. I’d known Gerard for years, of course, but only at a distance. Through a haze. We didn’t really talk much anymore as he was always out and my first point of interest when I entered the house had always been by Mikey’s side. I felt like a kid in his presence, though in reality he wasn’t too much older. I guess his lack of communication in return with me had its own reasons, too.

I could just make out his silhouette as he stumbled around in the dark, listening as he rustled around at his desk for something, found it, and then tilted his head backwards as he appeared to have swallowed something. I’d had no idea he was on any sort of medication but then, there was a lot I didn’t know about him.

I felt the mattress dip as he sat down to take off his shoes, and then tensed as he laid down beside me, still in his clothes, our arms almost touching as he did so. I wasn’t prepared for the shriek that would leave his mouth as he rolled over and fell into me.

“Who’s this? Mikey?” he spoke as he sprung back up, the confusion straining his tired voice.

“Your mum said you wouldn’t be home.”

“Alison?”

“I’m so sorry. I can take the couch?” He paused for a moment and I watched as it appeared he was trying to physically hold his head together.

“I’m too fuckin’ drunk to deal with this right now,” he admitted, sitting down on his bed once more and lying where he’d been before he rolled into me. “Just stay, and we’ll share, m’kay?” I could hear the fatigue in his voice which was affirmed as he let out a yawn. I could smell the liquor on his breath. I wondered the time.

“Thanks, Gerard.”

“Mmm.” And with that last syllable, he was already asleep, but it would take me some time. I listened to his gentle breathing, which turned into light snoring, and it comforted me in an odd way. I started to imagine it was just another night spent sleeping on the lounge room floor with Mikey after having watched a few movies. I tried not to remember the times we’d sometimes share a friendly cuddle, because I didn’t see that happening from now on. He had someone else to cuddle. Eventually I must have found sleep, but it hadn’t been very peaceful.

---

I was vaguely aware of the click of Gerard’s bedroom door as someone closed it, figuring it had been Mrs Way checking on me, not really wanting to know what she thought of the way Gerard appeared to have scooped me up in his sleep. I found it oddly comfortable as he lay with his chest flush against my back, with one arm draped over my side and the other snaked beneath me. I listened as he slept on, his breathing sounding steady in my ear, already aware that he was a heavy sleeper after the many times Mikey and I had stayed up late without hearing a peep out of him as we giggled ourselves silly from the next room over. The way his chest was moving rhythmically against my back lulled me back to sleep for a while until the rhythm became more sporadic, and it became apparent that Gerard was trying to slowly remove his arm from beneath me. I heard him let out a sigh as he finally released himself, with no help from me as I pretended to be fast asleep, not wanting to have that awkward conversation. He quietly exited the room and I heard as he stumbled his way down the hall and no doubt glued himself to the coffee pot for the next 2 hours.

I couldn’t fall back asleep after that. The sound of voices coming from the kitchen was too distracting, and I felt like I was intruding a little. I didn’t want to be in anyone’s way. I slid myself out of bed and started getting changed, my eyes darting to the door every time I heard the smallest of noises. I balled my pyjamas up in my arms and exited Gerard’s bedroom, the bright light in the hallway blinding me for just a moment. Mrs Way gave me a soft laugh as I stood with my hand over my face, attempting to make clearer the shapes I was seeing.

“Did you sleep well honey?” I nodded my head, my fingers tightly gripping my pyjamas as I stood in the kitchen, painfully aware of Gerard’s eyes on me and unaware if I was meant to apologise again or not. “I should have left Gerard a note to sleep on the couch if he was coming home,” she said, letting certain words linger as her tone said things that were clearly supposed to be only between them. Gerard looked down, seeming a little upset by it. I wondered if she was mad that Gerard had slept next to me, or simply digging at Gerard because he was never home.

“Thanks for letting me stay. I’m uhh… gonna head off. I should check on my mum, and all that…”

“Alright, dear. Don’t hesitate to call over again.” She smiled her wonderful smile and walked me to the door, giving me a warm hug before I left.

I walked back home, relieved in a way to see that my mother’s car was in the drive. It was nice of her to have kept her word of coming home for once.