Cigarette Daydreams

“There is no one I would rather spend the end of the world with, than you.” Alex leaned over and kissed my forehead as I was typing my last essay assignment on my MacBook. I glaced up at him and smiled at his adorable bed hair before returning back to my thrilling topic of the French Market.

“If you really loved me you would get me a mocha or a latte or anything with three shots of espresso.” I pouted not even looking up from the screen.

“Rian is probably going to Starbucks, ask him?”

“Aleeeeex,” I wined. “Rian isn’t my boyfriend.”

“Yeah because you are too high strong,” Rian walked in the room we were currently in and I looked up just enough from my computer to shoot him a dirty glare. “I kid, Erin.”

“So coffee?” I asked smiling.

“Just got back,” He held up his venti cup sending me his million-dollar smile.

“Alex!”

“Fine, fine.”

“You are the best.”

“If I get mobbed by fan girls,” He warned and I rolled my eyes.

“We are back in LA, no one knows who you are.” I teased.

“So mean,” Rian laughed taking a seat next to me on Alex’s couch. “So how long do you plan on living with us?” As Alex’s roommate I knew Rian had the right to be curious, I just didn’t want to open up to him on all the gory details of my past and why I was currently seeking shelter at their place.

“Well seeing how it’s the end of the world today,” I gave him a wink and he laughed turning on the TV. “I don’t plan on staying here much longer, I’m still paying rent on my piece of shit apartment downtown so I might as well actually live there.”

“True but I also see how much Alex cares for you and I don’t doubt that he is going to ask you to sub-lease that place until the end of your term and just move in permanently.”

I sighed closing my laptop knowing that I wasn’t going to get any more work done right now. “I mean I love Alex very much, I just don’t want to move this relationship too fast. Plus I hate intruding because this is your place just as much as it is Alex’s.”

“I am actually getting my own place.”

“What?!” I was surprised seeing as the two had lived together for the longest time and this house was way too big for just Alex.

“Yeah, Cass and I want to get a small place of our own.” He smiled just at the thought of his beautiful girlfriend and I was envious. Not that I didn’t think Alex cared for me on the level Rian cared for Cass, but because of their drama-free relationship. Between the drama from my pass and Alex’s fan base not quite ready to let go of the sexy lead singer in their wet dreams, I was being attacked from all angles. Having so much oppression led to our relationship not being as strong as it should be. We had passion and love but was it going to be enough to keep our ties together from everyone trying to bring us down? I doubt it.

“Well I’m happy for you,” I leaned over and engulfed Rian in a hug. “I hope you two the very best.”

He pulled back, “The same for you and Alex. Don’t tell him I told you this but I think you are the first girl that all of us guys approve of.”

I blushed, “Let me get back to my paper you goof.”



“We need to talk,” I walked into Alex’s room and climbed on top of his massive bed, settling to the spot next to him and his dogs.

“Uh oh, what did I do?” He looked over at me with a boyish grin. The one that makes me melt every time.

“Kyle and Caroline’s wedding is next weekend in Orlando, and I don’t want to go but—“

“No.” He was firm and demanding and that pissed my already short temper off.

“What do you mean no? Last time I checked you were my boyfriend not my warden.” I sat up so he could see how serious I was.

“I don’t want you going, end of story.”

I rolled my eyes, “You think I want to go?!”

“Well I’m not sure, do you?” He was trying to accuse me of still having feelings.

“No I don’t want to fucking go but what you don’t understand is in a small town like mine, your ass better be at every fucking wedding and funeral. I don’t want to embarrass my family by not showing up. Plus I thought with him getting married and you being there as my date he would get the message and back the fuck up, but apparently you think I’m still a fucking child.”

“Well god forbid you act like one.”

“You have some serious fucked up trust issues.”

“And you don’t?” He sat up and I got off the bed over this conversation but not fast enough because he grabbed my arm and yanked me around to face him. “Answer me!” He demanded.

“YES! I have fucking trust issues and intimacy issues and all these other types of fucking issues! And I have a damn good reason to!”

“And I don’t?”

“Of course you do!” I yelled frustrated.

“You are just going to make things worse by showing up,” He crossed his arms over his chest.

“Well I’m not making them any better by sitting here.” I threw my arms around to make my point.

Alex looked confused, “Yes you are! You are building a life here with me!”

“Maybe that’s not what I want!” I yelled before I could stop myself. “Alex I didn’t mean—“

“Leave.”

“Alex—“

“I SAID LEAVE!” He roared and I cowered.

“Fuck you! You said you would never do this to me!” I stormed out of his room and headed to the room were my bags were in. I picked the smallest bag I could find and packed a few things in it before storming out of the room and his house. I climbed in my jeep just in time to see him come running out of the house.

“Erin! Wait!” I floored my car out of the driveway and made my way home. I made it all the way to my complex before I started to cry. I was disoriented and I just wanted to go to bed and forget this fight happened. I grabbed my bag and made my way up the stairs to my apartment on the filth floor. I should have been paying better attention to my surroundings but I was too upset and too comfortable with the carefree life I had been living. I should have noticed the foot-steps that mirrored mine but I didn’t. I didn’t notice him following me until he had me pinned up against the door with a knife against my back.

“I knew you would come home alone eventually, too bad it took you almost two months. My aggression and sexual frustration is built up.”

“Kyle,” I tried to even my voice. “My boyfriend is on his way, leave before he shows up and no one will get hurt.”

His laugh boomed in my ear and he forced the door open carrying me to my room by my arm against my protest. “I’m not stupid. He isn’t coming and neither is Allie, so we have plenty of time to ourselves.” He purred and I felt my stomach turn.

“Please don’t do this,” I begged as he threw me on the bed and began to remove my clothing with the help of his knife.

“Don’t fight this, it will only hurt you more.” I whimpered but obeyed. I remembered how bad it was in high school and I just let it happen. I let him rape me multiple times that night. He exhausted me mentally and physically. What hurt the most is that I blamed this fully on Alex, had we not gotten into that fight I wouldn’t have been under another man right now as he ripped apart my insides. When Kyle left the next morning he promised to be back and I believed him. I knew he would never let me go, I was his heroine. I knew I had to disappear, at least for a while.