These Four Words

“I think my balls are frozen to my thigh,” John complained for the hundredth time that night. I giggled at his pain. As fate would have it the weather dropped about twenty degrees. Watching the boys run around screaming and hollering was beyond entertaining.

“Oh shush up,” I giggled swaying slightly. I was more than buzzed but not yet drunk. Pat had been challenging me at all types of drinking games tonight, trying to see what he could beat me at. So far the score was twelve to one. The only reason he even beat me at that one is because I watched John slip and fall butt-ass naked and couldn’t help the spray of beer that came out of my mouth as I loudly laughed for ten minutes.

“It’s all your fault, you con-artist.”

“Me?” I gasped in fake shock. “Never.”

“So what other games could you kick my ass in?” John asked smiling slightly.

“Yeah, tell all. I can’t afford losing to you again,” Kennedy jumped in our conversation with a serous expression. He was too busy running around naked to see me at my prime, kicking Pat’s ass.

“I’m pretty good at beer pong and boom. I’m decent enough with darts,” I trailed off trying to remember all the skills that skipping classes brought me. “Oh! I’m killer at pool and any chugging game.” How I ended up with a decent enough GPA and a degree was beyond me.

Kennedy looked at me with wide-eyes. “John I think I’m in love.”

“Hands off,” John playfully swatted Kennedy away.

“Hey she’s going to be in the city without you man,” Garrett slurred walking our way. “It is all fair game.” He smirked lazily and then realized what he said. Garrett’s eyes grew wide, “Shit! Man, I’m so sorry.”

“What is he talking about?” I asked as the smile on my face slowly began to fall. I couldn’t understand why I was getting so upset; it is not like John and I are official. This is what I wanted all along, right? I wanted to be free of the boy drama in my life.

“We should go,” Kennedy stood up quick and took loudmouth Garrett with him. John looked like he was in physical pain. I guess I would be to if I were caught red handed. Maybe he wasn’t going to tell me until he dropped me off at the airport? That would have been interesting to say the least.

“This isn’t a conversation I wanted to have drunk.” John groaned and I fought the urge to roll my eyes.

“Or a conversation you wanted to have at all?” I asked crossing my hands over my chest feeling very confused. Was he not going to tell me he wasn’t planning on coming back to New York with me? Had his mom knew to? I almost feel betrayed.

“I was going to tell you,” John sighed. “I was just waiting until—“

“Until the day I left right? So you could milk everything out of me and then dump me.” I stood up growing angrier and I couldn’t explain why. I shouldn’t care! John’s life was here not in New York, as much as I wanted it to be. holy shit. I had real feelings for him.

John’s eyes grew dark. “Me take everything out of you?” He scoffed, “That is rich. Says the girl who just wants sex from me! I want everything and more with you! I can’t keep waiting for you to be ready because knowing you that will never happen! You said it yourself, you aren’t a relationship type of girl!” I felt as if John had thrown a bucket of cold water on me. I instantly took the defense.

I let John’s hurtful words sink in. I doubt he even realized what he said because he was beyond wasted. I knew he meant it though. He was right; I would never be ready to give myself to him and not worry about what could happen in the future. John was being an arrogant piece of shit and I wasn’t going to let him get off easy on this. I started to laugh. “Fuck you John.” I turned to leave and he caught my arm.

“Where the fuck are you going?” John asked causing me to shrink back a bit. What had gotten into him?

“Let me go!” I told him ripping my arm away from him. “Don’t fucking touch me again.” John seemed to finally realize what he just said and did because his eyes grew wide and they regained their calming green color.

“Erin—I didn’t mean that. Fuck. Shit. What did I just do?”

“Stay the fuck away from me, John.” I told him walking towards the exit where I knew there would be taxis waiting outside.

“Erin! I don’t know what came over me! Please don’t go! Talk to me!” I kept walking faster until I made it to the taxi door. I quickly climbed in noticing John was having a hard time getting pass the crowds of people. “Erin you can’t keep running away from your problems! At some point in your life you have to learn how to face them head on!”

“Drive, please.” I told the driver who simply nodded his head and back out of the parking lot quickly. I saw John run after the car but give up at the end of the lot. He looked upset. I was upset, too.

“Where to?” The cabbie asked and I quickly gave him the house address. I was having déjà vu. First leaving Alex and now leaving John. He hurt me so much without even realizing it. Yes, he was drunk, but he meant it. Drunk words are sober thoughts. He cut through me with a knife. I wanted something more with John, but we both knew I could never commit. Maybe this was for the best? I didn’t even realize I was crying until we pulled up at his mom’s place. Tears were streaming down my face.

“Are you ok Miss?”

“Can you leave the car running?” I asked whipping the liquid from my cheeks. “I’ll be right back.” The cab driver just nodded his head. I quickly got out of the car and ran up to the house. I got the spare key from under the welcome mat and let myself in the house. I ran upstairs to the room that John and I shared and threw my belongings into the bag.

Running

Something I was actually good at. I took a quick glance in the mirror. I looked worse than I thought I would. I looked scared and lonely. This wasn’t who I wanted to be. I sat down on the bed and took a deep breath. I sprung up after a few minutes and found a notepad along with a red pen. I quickly jotted down a message for John and his mother. I headed outside and was pleased to see that the cab was still there. I hoped in with my bag and quickly told the cab drive to take me to the nearest airport. I booked a ticket with my delta app and only then did I notice that I had multiple missed calls from John. I rolled my eyes and pressed the green icon calling him back.

“Oh my god Erin! Where are you? Are you okay? I’m so sorry for what I said—“

“John,” I interrupted. “You were right.” I whipped my nose trying to get rid of some of the snot.

“What?” He asked sounding a bit confused. His voice seemed less drunk, I bet watching me climb into a cab sobered him up real quick. I wanted to snicker at the thought.

“You were right. I am not ready for a relationship. I don’t think I ever will be and I think it is unfair to have you wait around for me.” The words were coming to me without even thinking about it. This was for the best. If I really did care for John, I would let him go. If I could let Alex go, I could let John be free. I wanted to start crying again but my tears were used up.

“Erin I can wai—“

“I am not done,” I told him while raising my voice causing the cab driver to flinch slightly.

“I am leaving to go back to New York. When you sober up, give me a call or don’t. I really don’t care, John.”

“Are you serious?” He asked sounding frustrated. “One fight, that’s all it takes for you to pack your bags?”

“John it wasn’t the fight that made me pack my bags. It was the realization that what we are doing is toxic to the both of us. I will never be the girl for you and you can never be the guy I need.” My voice cracked slightly. “Find the girl that can be everything you need and more.”

John scoffed. “You don’t even know enough about me to prove that. We had something special. I don’t want some girl! I want you! I want all of you! I want your happiness, I want your flaws, I want your stupid dimples, and your big brown eyes. I want a thousand days and a thousand nights with you. I want to be the first person you see when you wake up and the last person you see when you fall asleep. I want your corny jokes and your sarcastic attitude. I want your smelly feet and horrible dance moves! I just want you!” John’s voice broke and it took all my self-restraint not to tell the cabbie to take me back to him.

“The sex was great.” I told him sealing the fate in my coffin. I ignored the look I got from the cabbie. The airport was quickly approaching.

“Fuck you,” John seethed.

“It was nice knowing you John.” I hug up the phone without much more thought. What I was doing was cruel. I didn’t want to give up just yet but knowing that I was keeping John from his life in Arizona broke me. I was doing this because I loved him.

I love John.

I loved him so much that I had to let him go. I was toxic. I was going to face my demons and I couldn’t have John sticking around for that. If it got messy and I needed to run, it would be one less good-bye. I had forgotten how to rely on myself. The past month I had spent relying so heavily on John that I forgot about empowering myself.

I don’t understand how I could possibly love John after a few weeks. I don’t understand how I could throw away everything I had worked for just for a few blissful weeks, but I did. Now it was time for me to face the ultimate price. As we pulled up outside the airport, I checked my ticket one last time. My flight to Orlando was on time.

I was going to regret this.