These Four Words

I don't even know myself
I wish I could be someone else
But I don't have a clue at all
Oh, yeah
I'm sinking
You're wading
I'm thinking something's gotta give

The buzzer going off to my apartment snapped me from out of my deep thoughts. I had been listening to Alex’s new song on repeat for the pass three hours and it was honestly becoming concerning. I jumped up and buzzed in John, who had promised to be over as early as his schedule allowed him. I switched off the song and unlocked the door waiting for him to walk in with my coffee and hopefully some donuts. Sure enough John walked in moments later holding two coffee cups and a pastry bag.

“What did you bring me?” I asked with a smile.

“Blueberry scones.” He threw the bag at me and then handed me my coffee. “How did it go last night?”

I took a large sip of the almost black coffee before responding, “Uh good I think.” I pulled on one of the scones and stuffed half of it in my mouth.

“Tell me about it?” John sat down on the couch next to me sipping his own coffee.

“Well they obviously saw the resemblance but I played it off pretty cool if you ask me. Alex was an ass in the beginning but once he realized I was cracking, he had softened up. They gave me a ride back here and then left.” I shrugged trying to swallow the rest of the scone in one bite.

“You let them drive you back here?” John looked surprised, maybe at the fact that I just consumed a large scone in less than three seconds?

“I didn’t really have a choice. They were persistent.”

“Are you worried about them finding out?”

“I don’t think Alex could handle the heart break.” There was an awkward pause before I cleared my throat and reached in the bag for the second treat. “Enough about them though, when are you going to show me one of your songs?”

“Soon I promise. So I’m throwing this party,” John trailed off with a smile.

“I love parties, when is it?”

“The 21st.”

“What are you celebrating?”

“8 years together as a band.” He looked so proud and I hoped one day I could love my job as much as John loved his. I took a bite of the John's scone before handing the rest of it to him.

“Wow congrats! So I am assuming the whole gang is getting together?”

“Yep in Arizona,” My smile faltered.

“Well I’m sure you will have a wonderful time. It is a huge accomplishment to still be together after all that time.”

He nodded his head, “So are you coming with me or not?”

“Huh?”

He laughed at the expression on my face, “Are you coming with me to Arizona?”

“John,” I trailed off speechless. “I can’t just run off with you for the day to Arizona!”

“Why not?” He argued.

“Uh,” He had a fair point. Why not? I had the time and I for sure had the money. Maybe I was afraid of being around his family and friends. Would his band mates recognize me? Would they care that he was dating the infamous “Erin” that broke Alexander Gaskarth’s heart? “Seems like a big step for two people who are just friends.”

“Come on it will be fun! Just three days and the most epic party of a life time.”

I chewed on my bottom lip debating on whether or not I should go. I needed to stop letting my fears get the best of me but I also needed to slow down this feelings train. “Sure, I’ll go with you.”

“YES!” John exclaimed throwing his hands in the air. “You won’t regret going I promise!”

“As long as you let me listen to your new album,” I smirked pointing my finger at him.

“You drive a hard bargain but I accept. We will leave on the twentieth.”

“I’ll go book our tickets," I offered.

“No need,” John grinned at me. “I already did last week.”

I looked at him shocked, “What if I said no?”

“I knew you would say yes.”

I smacked him laughing, “Jerk!”

“Hey calm down now there is no need for name calling.” John winked causing me to blush and turn away. I know it wasn’t right for me to feel the way I did about John, he needed a good girl. Someone who would treat him the way that he deserved to be treated because I was going to stomp all over him. I was going to break his heart into a million pieces. I was all of these things because I was afraid of love. I was afraid of what letting the walls I built up come crashing down would do to a girl like me. I look out the grand window unable to look at John for much longer.

“So would you like to hear my CD?” John asked catching my attention.

“You have it with you?” I asked with a smile.

“Not exactly, but I can play you a song.”

“Really?”

“Yep, just one though until I know you aren’t trying to leak these to the press.” He laughed standing up and holding his hand out for me to take. I lightly took ahold of it so I could help myself up.

“Dang, you caught me.” We walked into the great room where my piano was and he took a seat leaving me just enough room to squeeze in.

“What are you going to play me?” John turned to face me with a wicked smile. His hands began to glide across the keyboard.



I smiled leaning my head against his shoulder. The way his body vibrated as he gave his all into this song, just for me. He was the epitome of a good artist.



He finished the song slowly releasing his fingers from the keys. His face held a slight smile as he turned towards me awaiting my response. I was speechless. More so in the way he preformed verses the song, although I did truly love the song, he was a lot like me in which he could lose himself in music.

“Incredible.” I managed to get out through my smile, “Absolutely incredible.”

“You really think so?”

I nodded my head wildly, “I think you have yourself a new number one hit.” I joked back to one of our first conversations.

“It’s one of my favorite on the album.”

“I think it would be a good closer song, you know for your concerts and stuff.”

John paused to think about it for a second, “I think you are on to something there.” John checked his watch. “Well shit, I’m late.”

“Late for what?” I asked as he hurriedly collected his belongings from my apartment.

“I’m meeting with some magazine today and I’m late,” He smiled leaning in to give me a kiss on the cheek. “I’ll call you later? We can work out details about Arizona.”

I smiled, “Bye John.”

“Good-bye Ms. Taylor.”

I quickly made my way into my home office and took a seat behind the large mahogany desk, I knew what this life-changing article would be about and I knew it was going to get me my dream job.

Four hours later and two pots of coffee down, my article was complete. Meeting deadline a month before it was due was risky and stupid but it was everything I needed it to be. I was going to get Senior VP and I was going to become legendary all for writing an article about “changing the pace.” It was about this year’s re-invention of self. The trend that was being an independent woman who could do whatever and whoever, when and where she pleased. It was about recognizing your past and not letting it affect your future. Taking control of your mistakes and turning them into this years accomplishments. It was about me, it was about John, and it was about letting go of Alex.

I was ready to move on.

I pushed back from my desk collecting the printed pieces of paper and headed to my closet to throw on a quick dress and heels so I could run this through editing and pick up my final copy before I left on my trip. I changed quickly into a simple tight black dress and a pair of black pumps before yanking my overcoat off of its hanger and rushing out the door. I practically ran down the stairs and busted out of the door. Much to my dismay, I ran right into someone who was trying to get into the building.

“Shit!” I exclaimed trying to collect my papers in a rush. “I am so sorr—“ I froze in my tracks as I concentrated into his brown eyes.

“Ms. Ophelia, I didn’t mean to quite literally run into you.” Alex nervously laughed offering his hand to help me up. I took his hand and he effortlessly lifted me off of the dirty ground. It sent the replay of how Alex and I first met, running through my head.

“Alex,” I folded up my papers carefully and stuck them in my bag. “How unusual to see you outside of my apartment building.” I eyed him carefully. I was confused to what he was doing on this side of the city.

“I actually came here to see you.”

My eyes grew wide and I could feel my heart beat quicken, “Why?”

“That is a good question,” He laughed. “I am not really sure.”

I straighten out my jacket, “Well let me know when you do figure it out.” I went to walk away but Alex followed.

“Where are you headed to?”

“Work.” I stuck my hand out to hail a cab.

“On a Sunday?” He looked confused.

“Yep,” It was almost no use trying to get a cab at this time of day. Everyone was at brunch, on his or her way to brunch, or just getting back from brunch.

“I have a car we could take to your office? If you really need to get there.” Alex offered.

“No thanks I can walk.” I started to walk away again and he stopped me.

“It really is no big deal.”

“I am fine walking,” I rolled my eyes.

“Fine.” He stopped following me and I let out a sigh of relief. “Actually, no it’s not fine!” He walked briskly to catch up with me and I stopped and spun around. “I don’t know what I did to offend you that I haven’t already apologized for, so I don’t understand why you have such a big attitude with me.”

I crossed my arms annoyed. “I hate people who feel entitled. I do not have to be your new BFF. In fact what you are doing is called stalking and I don’t know how it’s like back wherever the hell you are from but from here it is a misdemeanor. So excuse me for not wanting anything to do with a criminal.”

He actually started laughing at me. “So that ride?” JERK.

I rolled my eyes, “You seriously don’t quit. Why?”

“Honestly,” He shifted his weight. “There is something about you that makes me want more.”

I made a face; “I am not looking for anything with you.”

“Try not to look so displeased with that idea,” Alex laughed. “I am not trying to be creepy or weird even though that is exactly how it looks like right now. I am just in town for the next two days and I would like to get to know my interviewer.”

“I interviewed you once.”

“And you rocked my world, so what do you say about a ride to your office? I promise I wont kidnap you.”

I considered my options. Saying no would only make him more curious than he already is now. If I throw him this bone maybe he will get bored and move onto something else. Show him that Ophelia is nothing like Erin and he can stop obsessing and move on with his fiancé. Or option three where I can just tell him the fucking truth, let him get mad, throw a fit, demand answers, and then walk out of my life never to be seen or heard of again.

“Look Alex there is something I have to get off my chest.”

“Yeah?” He looked so hopeful.

“You have something in your teeth and it’s bugging me.” He started laughing, “I would love a ride.”

“Come on lets get going then.”

I fucking hated myself.

“So where to?” The driver asked as we got settled into our seats.

“The garment district, vogue building.” I smiled at him and he nodded his head taking off to the other side of the city.

“So do you like working for Vogue?” Alex asked trying to make conversation.

I nodded my head, “Probably as much as you like playing music.”

“Wow. That much?”

“Yes it is something that I love to do. I wake up looking forward to spend all day in my office,” I laughed and so did he. “So how are you enjoying the city?”

“I actually hate New York.” He admitted and I grew a bit offended.

“How?”

“I don’t know, I guess it just isn’t my cup of tea so to speak.”

“To each his own, I guess.” I shifted in my seat. “So what is the real reason why you were stalking me?”

Alex locked eyes with me, “This is going to sound cra—“ He stopped talking. “I knew your eyes weren’t naturally blue.” I gasped and turned my gaze to outside the window. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I forgot. “I knew it.” He laughed like a mad person. “I fucking knew it.”

I looked out the window desperate for an escape. We were quickly approaching my building but not fast enough. “I like changing my look around.” I reasoned. “I do work in the fashion industry, that is kind of what we do.”

He didn’t look like he bought it, “Is there anything else you lied to me about?” His joking matter held so much deeper meaning to it.

“Well this is it!” I exclaimed yanking my door open. “Thanks for the ride! See you around Alex.” I quickly ran to my building not waiting for him to put two and two together. I wanted to look over my shoulder but I didn’t need to. The look he had when he realized my eyes weren’t blue was all the proof I needed. He knew who I really was.