Why Don't I Like Girls Anymore?

Saturday 18th April

2pm

It appears that I have just woken up. Also, last night's feminine outburst has completely disappeared. I've just thrown on some clothes without thinking and I actually look alright for a party anyway: I'm wearing a bright blue T-shirt with little black logos all over it, dark skinny jeans and a scruffy old pair of black skate shoes. My hair is actually behaving itself today (in a messy, tousled kind of way)

It's refreshing to look at your reflection for once and like what you see. Most of the time I either don't bother or I glance at myself despairingly. I think it's probably all the time I've spent around Julian, who looks positively stunning even on a bad day. I know he can't help looking as good as he does but it's never been much of an ego boost for me, being the awkward looking one.

So now I have just under five hours to kill before walking to Clara's house. Jay, forever an early riser, has left the house already, Mum's at work and Katie's at a friend's house for the day (mum 's never trusted me to look after her since that one time I forgot to give her dinner...) so it looks like I'm alone in the house.

This rare and precious time calls for some homework completion...

4pm

Now I've worked out every equation, conjugated every verb and annotated every poem I possibly can. Just under three hours until I go over to Clara's; time couldn't be going more slowly. I think I'll give Julian a call...

4.30pm

That has to be one of the funniest, most relaxing conversations I've had in a long while. Mostly about which techniques to use against Clara and her friends when they attack with make-up and clothes (trust me, they've done this before and I've been close to mental scarring many times.)

This has noticeably soothed my nerves about the whole party situation. The sound of Julian's voice seems to calm me more than anything else could.

5.30pm

Just been reading one of my new books, but somehow I'm just not getting into it. The nerves are returning, jangling around my stomach like blind butterflies. I know it's sad, but I haven't really been to a party like this before (I've always turned down the previous few invitations) and I feel nervous about seeing Julian too. I know that I've got to give him an answer soon to his proposed ultimatum between him and Jay; I can't keep stringing him along like this. I'm just so afraid of making the wrong decision.

6.15pm

Just warmed up some Shepard's Pie mum left in the fridge for me, though I'm hardly hungry. This just gives me something to do.

After this I'll walk up to Clara's house. Hopefully Julian will be there once I've arrived, seeming as he lives closest to her. That will mean I can escape Jess and Jade (the main lets -put-make-up-on-Simon offenders.) Now that they basically know that I'm gay I fear they're going to be even more determined than before.

6.30pm

Now I'm walking to Clara's and I'm going to leave you here, diary, safe and sound underneath my pillow. I wouldn't want to lose you and therefore all my secrets to the outside world. I'll update you when I get back...

Sunday 19th April

11am

Julian's in the shower. No, not my shower, I'm at his house.

Last night had to be one of the most eventful of my life and for so many reasons. I can tell this will be a long entry, it'll probably take all of Julian's shower if not more to explain it all.

I arrived at Clara's house earlier than anyone else so had to help her with making dinner. This involved me making sure the pizzas didn't burn, which I actually didn't fail at.

Then Jess, Jade and Chloe arrived. This was my que to escape to the lounge with my pizza ration and turn on the television whilst the girls cluttered upstairs. There were no disturbances for a long time so I started to let my guard down and pay attention to what I was watching.

Then the door swung open and I froze, ready to bolt at the smallest sighting of eyeliner. It turned out to be Julian standing there, chuckling at my deer in headlights expression. He sat down next to me and we stayed in an amicable silence for a while. That is until the door opened again.

'Julian!' Jess exclaimed in delight, blue eyes fluttering and pearly white teeth bared, rushing over to hug Julian and, as per usual, ignoring my existence. I wasn't sour over this matter though, just filled with a little twisted happiness that I had a whole lot more chance to be with Julian than Jess did.

Jess sat between us, far too close to Julian for comfort. Jealousy proceeded to devour the happiness, though with the way I had been acting of late I had no right to be jealous. Julian was barely even mine anymore. I internally squashed the jealousy like it was a little bug crawling along the windscreen of my mind and then pretended to watch TV. I couldn't help but hear their conversation though. Jess was whining on about her dress.

'Do you like the colour Julian?' she asked, blatantly fishing for compliments.

'Yeah, it really suits you.' Julian replied innocently, smiling at her. I was wondering if he had ever realised her intentions. It was that or he simply ignored them.

'And you don't think it's too low cut?' she asked again, voice dripping with innocent sweetness, but pulling down the fabric of her dress in a much less than innocent way whilst doing so. Without even looking at her cleavage (which wasn't much, may I add) like any other guy would do, Julian shook his head vehemently.

'No, honestly, you look great.' he replied and then turned to me. 'What do you think?' he asked me, but by that time Jess had already dislodged herself from Julian's side. With a sigh she left the room, having no interest of what I thought of her dress (which would have just been a non-committal shrug anyway.)

'Don't you realise she's flirting with you?' I asked once Jess' stomping had faded up the stairs. Julian raised an eyebrow at me, as if I was stupid even to ask.

'Of course I do. You'd have to be really thick not to notice.' he said with a quiet laugh lilting the end of his sentence. I was happy to hear that he had noticed, which meant he wasn't acting on her advances because he chose not to, not out of ignorance. Nevertheless, it was still bothering me.

'Then why don't you stop her?' I questioned him further, my voice tentative and, without my wanting it to, sounding slightly hurt. I prayed that he hadn't sensed my jealousy.

'Well, I don't want to hurt her but I also don't want to lead her on, so I just act politely and distantly friendly.' he said with a small shrug. Then he turned to me slowly, a mischievous smile adorning his face. 'Why, you're not jealous are you?' his sonorous voice grew low and close and he leaned towards me, in a feigned-secretive way. His eyes were sparkling at this knowledge, not letting go of it like a cat playing with a mouse.

A cushion to the head soon wiped the smirk off his face. He caught the cushion before it slid off his face and chucked it back at me.

'So you are jealous.' his voice sang, laughing at my sour expression.

'Am not.' I replied with the vocal maturity of a five year old. This just made him laugh harder.

'So you're even jealous of Jess, someone I've never shown any interest in?' he asked, still laughing a little bit, and I looked away from him, shaking my head unconvincingly. Suddenly leaning even closer to me, I smelt Julian's signature smell and felt slightly dizzy with it. He smelt so good, I couldn't believe I hadn't ever noticed before.

'Simon, I don't like girls anymore. I like you.' he whispered into my ear with a small, breathy chuckle that raised goose-bumps wherever it touched my skin. I visibly shuddered just as he moved in to kiss my neck.

The door, with it's perfect timing, opened again and Julian, just as suddenly as he had leaned closer to me, was sitting back on his side of the sofa again, calm and composed. Clara, looking suitably dressed up for a party, barely noticed the fact that I had turned into a gibbering wreck thanks to Julian. She was too busy giving him a hug and complimenting his choice of T-shirt (black with a neon green lightening bolts across it if you were wondering.) Damn how he managed to look great in everything he wore.

'We should probably get walking to the party now, it'll take a little while to get there.' Clara exclaimed, practically jumping up and down in her excitement, sending her silver bangles shimmering and chiming against each other. She was wearing a pale blue camisole top, dark, tight jeans and dark blue slip on shoes. Paired with her hair cascading halfway down her back, she even looked elegant when hyper with pre-party nerves.

Then it dawned on me: we were going; leaving the comfort of Clara's house into the unknown depths of this party.

I wouldn't usually be so nervous at the thought, but there was a bad premonition-like feeling in the pit of my stomach that I simply couldn't ignore. Only Julian, smiling at me as we left the house, could make me temporarily forget that feeling, but it lay there in wait.

It was the calm before the storm, everyone making small chat as we walked to the house where the party would be. Soon I could hear the loud music in the distance and, as we approached the house, the shouts and calls of those inside. Bashed up first-cars filled the drive way and somebody waved at us as we opened the front gate.

'Follow me.' Julian said quietly to me, sensing that I was nervous for some reason. He probably thought it was the party itself.

It wasn't just the party though. No, I felt like I was waiting for something bad to happen...