Why Don't I Like Girls Anymore?

When I woke again, head still spinning and feeling tired, I was looking up into the all-consuming night sky. I was lying upon something soft, which rose and fell with the rhythm of steady breathing. I recognized the body to be Julian's and I turned my head slowly.
His face was above mine, his eyes gazing down and reflecting the light of the moon to make them glint at me. He smiled, and one hand felt my forehead worriedly.

'You're awake.' he whispered and I nodded, smiling back at him. With difficulty, I shifted myself so that I was facing him whilst still lying on him. He lifted me slightly so my face was nearer to his and I groaned in pain even though he was moving me so slowly.

'What's wrong?' he asked with concern and I shook my head.

'It's nothing, I must have landed awkwardly when I fainted.' I said offhandedly, not wanting him to be worried. I just wanted him to be happy again

'Julian...' I began, but at the crucial moment the words dried up. Did I really deserve him after everything I had done to him?

'Yes?' he asked but I shook my head again and tried to get up. He stopped me, lowering me onto the sand himself instead. 'Sorry, you probably want space...'

'It's not that at all.' I assured, not wanting to think that I didn't want him, because I really did. I just didn't want to impose myself on his life again. I was afraid that I would mess everything up again and end up hurting him a second time. I really didn't deserve to even be able to do that.

'Then what did you want to say?' he asked, wanting to hear me out. I took a deep breath, finding it easier when I wasn't looking at him. It was strange that it felt so hard to do, given that I was telling him what he probably wanted to hear.

'I rejected Jay at the party.' I whispered, but even over the roar of the waves my voice sounded unbearably loud. Julian caught every word and I heard a small, sharp intake of breath.

'So... y-you've chosen?' he was really stuttering, not able to get his words out properly.

'Yes.' I said, though I had a sinking feeling in my stomach. The excitement of my realisation had been dampened slightly because I felt guilty. I had caused Julian all this pain yet he still wanted me. I could tell by his ecstatic reaction. I looked over at him and he was shaking with excitement. He was so happy to be with me, it just made me feel worse.

'But...' I began and he stopped shaking me, expecting some kind of rejection. I took in another deep breath. 'I don't think I deserve to be with you-'

'I've told you before: that isn't true! You more than deserve to be with me, and I want you to be with me anyway so it doesn't matter either way.' Julian said angrily, pushing my shoulder back with his hand so I had to look at him. He had a face of steel, he was that determined to get his point across.

'Hear me out this time,' I said in a similarly angry voice, 'I don't think I deserve to be with you after all the pain that I've caused you. You can't deny that, I know that I've hurt you and I don't want to risk doing that again. I love you too much...' I tried to reason with him but he cut me off in his exasperation.

'Well, sometimes you have to take risks for the person that you love! You know, I could end up hurting you. Did you ever think of that?' He stared at me, still fighting the battle I didn't want him to fight.

'No...' I admitted and he cut across me again before I could make more feeble attempts to change his mind.

'See? It could be a risk for either of us to get hurt, but I know that this time, as long as we're honest with each other, it can work. I love you too much to let this go, I don't care about how hurt I could get, I just want to be yours again.' he said, breathless by the time he had finished, and he kissed me.

He broke away too quickly for my liking, but the preferable time for me would have resulted in both our deaths. He looked down at me, eyes sparkling and a small smile lighting up his whole face.

'We're not perfect,' he said softly, 'but we're getting there.' His words were so touching and so true, I pulled him towards me.

'I love you...' I replied before kissing him again and pulling him on top of me. This kiss was much deeper and longer, neither of us having anything more to say. Just feeling each-other there, being together again, was more than enough.

I had never felt happier in my life, and my complete desire for Julian completely took over me. We didn't just stop at kissing...

At some point, laying on the sand in each other's arms, we both fell asleep to the calming tide, and woke up when the sun was just rising. The sky was bathed in hues of pink, yellow and red and we watched the sun rise together. Everything felt like a new beginning, the tiredness and tears of the night having washed away with the sea.

We sat up, admiring the view as one silhouette on the sand. That moment couldn't have been more perfect, just sitting there with the person that I loved watching the sun rise and the sky go from red and pink to a deep, welcoming blue.

'Can I ask you a question?' Julian asked tentatively and I nodded. 'Why did you choose me over him?' I was surprised to hear him ask this, seeming as I had already told him the reason. I think he was just letting my decision sink in and wanted to be sure about everything. I would have been the same way if it had been Julian's decision to make.

'Well, I can't trust Jay like I can trust you. He was undependable and not even stable enough to look after himself, let alone another person. Jay didn't love me, he was just desperately searching for someone to love him and he saw me as that person. We simply weren't right for each-other, not to mention that we're soon going to be step-brothers. It just wasn't going to work.' That was the best explanation I could give, and I felt that my words echoed what I had told Jay the previous night.

'Well, I've not been that dependable myself really-' Julian began, talking modestly, but I stopped his words by pressing a single finger against his lips.

'You're the most dependable, stable person I've ever known. You can't say you're not because you've always been there for me, as a friend and as we are now. You waited for me, even though I'd hurt you so much, and you're still here for me now.' I argued and he simply blinked at me, giving up on being modest. 'Thank you.' I emphasized those two words and kissed him on the forehead.

Julian looked at me for a long while, eyes slightly gazed and a small, satisfied smile adorning his face, and then spoke the words that had crossed both of our minds.

'Let's go home.'

So here I am, laying in Julian's bed whilst he's in the shower. In fact, he's just out of the shower now and walking over to me.

I will have to write later...