Purple Hearts

I reached down to my holdall and realised that mum’s journal was sticking out of it slightly from where I’d left it in the front pocket the last time I’d read it.

I picked up the holdall, shouted goodbye to Dad who was busying himself in the kitchen waiting for Adrienne to come then left the house, headed over to my little mini and got in slinging the holdall onto the passenger seat but the urge to read just a little bit more of the journal overcame me so before I started the engine and headed off to Gerard’s I decided to have another look. Flicking through to the purple bookmark that showed me where I’d got up to I read mum’s next entry.

I have a small bump now and I love rubbing my hand over it. I am going to be a Mum to Tre’s baby and I couldn’t feel more excited. Excited but apprehensive because he is not here with me to share my joy. I am having a little girl and I’ve decided on a name, Francesca, sort of after her father of course. I hope she looks like him, I hope she takes after him and is as talented as him and I do so hope that one day she gets to meet him but somehow I doubt it. It’s been seven months since I’ve seen him but his face is imprinted on my mind and always will be. I’ve told Jen and a few other people and they are pleased for me but the one person I want to tell may never get to find out.

I sobbed out loud at this entry because it kind of reflected how I was feeling, my bump will be growing soon and although I’m excited, I’m apprehensive too. I need to tell someone else soon, it’s not fair on Billie that I shared this with him when he’s got so much on his mind. I’d have to tell Gerard but I didn’t want to do it tonight, I’d do it on another night, when I was ready.

I shoved the journal deep down into my holdall, turned on the engine, pulled out of the driveway and headed off to Gerard’s.

**

“That smells so good,” said Adrienne coming into the house. Tre took her wrap from her and slung it over the hall chair.

“You look nice Adie,” said Tre looking her up and down, Adrienne clocked this look and hoped it was what she thought it meant.

**

“Gerard I rang the doorbell three times, I was about to leave, are you OK?” I asked him. He looked dreadful, paler than his usual pale self and he was rubbing his nose with the back of his hand.

“Yeah…I…I think I’m coming down with something, I have this tingly nose feeling and I fell asleep just now.”

”Listen, I’ll go home if you like,” I said to him not wanting to catch anything from him, what with being pregnant.

“No, no, I’m sure it’ll come to nothing, come in. I was going to order us pizzas, that OK with you?” He said.

“Of course it is, you did promise you’d cook but I suppose you’d forgotten, geese Gerard, you’re so forgetful lately,” I said to him and rolling my eyes. He looked different, his clothes were all crumpled and it looked as though he hadn’t washed his hair in a couple of days. I hope he hasn’t got some virus and then I get it, what will it do to my baby?

“Yeah, don’t know what’s wrong with me,” said Gerard but he did but he couldn’t let on to Franky. If she knew it would all be over. He’d have to pull himself together, and soon.

**

“Oh you’ve lit some candles,” said Adrienne entering the Dining room.

“Well, I thought I’d make the effort, are you hungry?” He said heading off out of the room leaving Adrienne looking at the effort he’d made. He was pleased, he kind of missed making the effort with someone, cooking a meal from scratch and sharing some wine and a chat and Adrienne was good company. They’d had their slight ups and downs over the years but on the whole they got on.

**

“I’m stuffed,” I said looking across at Gerard. I’d nearly wolfed down the whole of the pizza to myself but Gerard had only eaten two small slices.

”Are you sure you’re OK?” I said to him.

“Fine, just not hungry, that’s all,” he said, sniffing hard and putting his arm around me and bringing me in close to him. I loved being cuddled but I wasn’t sure I wanted to be cuddled by someone that seemed as thought they were coming down with something.

“Shall we watch a movie?” I said, “I haven’t relaxed like this in ages.”

“Yeah, you go and choose something, I’ll get us a drink. Hey what are you drinking now if you don’t drink cherry cola anymore?” He said spinning round to look at me.

“Um…orange juice or even water will be fine,” I said running a finger over Gerard’s DVDs. There were so many, I couldn’t believe he’d watched half of them.

While he was in the kitchen, Gerard poured out a couple of glasses of orange juice but into his own glass he got out of the cupboard a bottle of vodka and poured some in then put the bottle to his lips and took a slug. What was he playing at? Just this bottle that James had bought over earlier, just this bottle and when it was gone that would be it he thought to himself as he carried the glasses through.

**

Tre brought through a tray of coffees and noticed the look on Adrienne’s face. They’d had a great chat but she hadn’t mentioned that Billie had come back. May be he hadn’t gone home to Adrienne’s after all and he wondered why.

“Are you OK Adie?” Tre said laying down the tray.

“I…I just have a headache, would you mind if…if I just lay down for a while or so upstairs?”

”Sure…I can take you home if you’d like, actually no of course I can’t I’ve been drinking. I’ll call a cab…” Tre said looking concerned.

“Its OK, I’ll lay down for an hour or so, I’ve just taken a painkiller so it’ll work within half an hour and then you can make me another coffee, that OK?” she said heading off before he could even answer.

“Of course its OK Adi, I’ll clear up the dishes and check on you in a while,” said Tre, “just call if you want anything and I’ll come up.”

“OK, I will,” said Adrienne and then she was gone.

**

“I love that movie,” I said to Gerard. He was lying against me and then I realised he’d fallen asleep. I couldn’t believe it, I’d come over here to spend the evening with him and he’d fallen asleep. I rolled my eyes and nudged him.

”Gerard, come on, wake up, you’ll be much more comfortable in bed,” I said to him.

He stirred and opened his eyes to me.

“What?” He said.

“You fell asleep,” I said to him, “I think you’d be more comfortable in your own bed.”

”Only if you’re in there with me,” he said.

“I think I’ll go home soon, you’ll be snoring your head off if you’re not well and have a cold, but I’ll cuddle up with you for a while if you’d like,” I said standing up and then putting my hand out to him to get up.

“I’d like very much, I’d love it,” he said as he stood next to me, so much taller than me.

“Franky I do love you, you know,” He said as he headed off to the bedroom.

“I know you do,” I replied following him.

**

Billie was driving back from Mikes. He hadn’t had any luck at home earlier, the house had been empty, his boys and Adrienne weren’t anywhere and it had felt strange being in that house again, almost like it wasn’t his anymore. The house was in darkness when he arrived and he’d hoped they’d be in now, it as quite late at night, they were sure to be in and he couldn’t wait to see them all again.

Driving along he saw a familiar figure running alongside the road. He was sure it was…it was Adrienne and she looked…scared? The car screeched to a halt and she looked over at him obviously hearing the car brakes. She looked dreadful he thought and had streaks of mascara running down her face. She definitely looked scared so he wound down his window.

“Adie!” She looked over like a scared rabbit.

“Billie?” she looked at him, hardly believing that it was him.

“Get in, what the hell is going on?”

Adrienne came towards the car wiping her face on the back of her hand. He noticed her black stockings were holed and she was clutching her black wrap tightly around her, the buttons of her dress weren’t done up properly.

“Adie would you like to tell me what the fuck is going on?” said Billie concerned now.

“It…it’s nothing, just, get me home,” she said.

“And then you’re going to tell me what happened, right?” said Billie starting the engine of the car.

But Adrienne didn’t answer him, she just looked straight ahead.

**

Tre was pacing but decided he’d better go after her so he grabbed the keys even though he’d been drinking. What had he done? He hadn’t meant to upset Adrienne. Shit, this had all gone wrong. He felt guilty, so very guilty because he’d handled everything so badly.