I Love You, Is That So Wrong? Unfortunately, Yes

“Gee?” I said groggily, I get up from where I was sitting to make my way to the said figure.

“Mikey…? Is that you…?” I heard a croaking and weak Gerard say.

“Yes Gee, it’s me.” I said, wrapping my arms around him. The feel of his clothes were different, instead of its usual smooth and neat feel it felt ragged and wrinkled, and he smells like alcohol.

“Mikey…” I hear my brother whimper as his hands cling onto me and he buries his face in my chest, I felt his tears stain my shirt, my hand move up to his hair where I caress if comfortingly and give him small kisses on the head.

“Gerard what’s wrong?” I ask, but all he could do was cry. I decided that we’d talk about this is our room as I place his arm around my shoulders and we get into the nearest elevator. When we reach our floor we make our way to our room, when a door opens and Bob steps out. The light of the room he just came out of shining on me and Gerard, it was then that I noticed Gerard. His clothes looked torn and ragged, his eyeliner was running because of all the crying and I was definite that I saw blood stains on the rear part of his pants.

“Mikey? Is that… Gerard?!” Bob said, shocked to see Gerard like this. I saw Ray and Frankie suddenly get up from their bed at hearing our frontman’s name.

“Gerard’s back?” Frankie said as the two hurriedly put some pants on. The two of them peeked out of their bedroom door and was shocked as well to see Gerard in this state.

“What happened?!” Ray asked, worriedly.

“I don’t know, can you guys help us to our room?” I asked, Bob walked over to the other side and placed Gerard’s other arm around his shoulders as Frankie and Ray followed us to our room. When we got there Frankie turned the lights on and Bob and I gently let him sit on my bed since it was nearest. I heard him wince a little as we did that.

“Should I get the girls?” Ray asked, I looked at Gerard who nodded his head slightly.

“Yeah, go ahead Ray.” I said, I turned to Gerard again and held his hand lovingly. He gives me a bit of a shocked look as he glances at Frankie and Bob, I smiled softly. “It’s okay, the girls, Ray and Frankie know already.” Gerard pulls a strained smile. Ray came back in with the girls, shocked too to see Gerard in this state.

“Gerard?” Nadine said.

“What happened?” Anna asked. Abi and Mikee just stayed quiet, unsure of what to do.

“Girls just sit down.” Frankie said, as usual Mikee sat next to Frankie, surprisingly I see Nadine sit next to Bob as he held her hand. Bob notices me looking at them and immediately looks away. Abi and Anna, having their boyfriends not around at the moment they just sat on Gerard’s bed, exchanging worried glances.

“Gerard, what’s wrong?” I ask softly, he looked at me with his bloodshot hazel eyes as I see fresh tears forming in them. He squeezes my hand as the tears gently slide down his cheeks. “Gee…” I said, caressing his hand comfortingly. “You’re worrying us, tell us what’s wrong.” I said.

“I… I can’t…” he said, choking on his tears.

“Gerard please…” I said in a gentle whisper, he just continues crying. Everyone was quiet and serious; their faces showed they were also worried for Gerard.

“Gerard…” I was surprised to hear Mikee speak at the moment; she looked like she was carefully examining Gerard. He looked up at the mention of his name. “You weren’t… raped… were you?” she said, everyone’s eyes widened.

“Mikee, you picked a really bad time to go all hardcore yaoi fangirl.” Ray said, she looked up at her cousin, her expression serious.

“I’m serious you guys.” she said, I think I heard Nadine gasp.

“Oh God… Mimi’s serious…” she said, I hear Gerard’s sobs get a little louder as he lets go of my hand and leans on me, I place my arm around him and give him kisses on his forehead again.

“Mikee… how do you know?” he said suddenly, causing shocked expressions on everyone’s faces.

“I just… know… hardcore yaoi fangirl remember?” Mikee said.

“Oh God… Gerard no…” I said as I wrap my arms around my brother as tears also start welling up in my eyes as I try comforting him with my kisses. “I’m sorry… I’m so sorry…” I whisper lovingly while choking back on my tears.

“Come on guys, girls, they need some time alone together.” Frankie said, standing from where he was sitting as he ushers everyone out the room. It was just the two of us now, Gerard crying in my arms as my tears fall on him.

“It’s my fault… I shouldn’t have yelled at you… this would never have happened if I didn’t yell at you…” I said.

“You didn’t do anything wrong Mikey… it’s my own fault… I went out drinking and drank too much… and I end up getting…” Gerard couldn’t seem to find the courage to say that word, it’s a filthy word, I don’t even want to say it.

“Sshh… Gee we’re not going to settle anything if we’re just going to stay here blaming each other… everything’s going to be all right… don’t cry anymore…” I said.

“I love you Mikey…” I hear Gerard whisper, I give him a longing kiss on the forehead before I said:

“I love you too Gee…”

Gerard’s POV:

Mikey suggested that I clean up in the bathroom, but as I sit on the tub filled with warm water that’s supposedly comforting. But water can’t wash away the dirtiness that I’m feeling inside; I can’t wash away his essence that I didn’t welcome in me. My tears fall on the water I was bathing in, Mikey was outside, waiting for me.

I couldn’t stand the dirtiness. I feel so filthy. I can still feel his arms wandering around my body as if he owned me. I belonged to no one, and I only love one person. I wanted to die. I can’t get rid of the feeling of filth in me. I can’t take it anymore. As I sink deeper into the water until it engulfed me entirely, I mutter out my final words.

“I’m sorry Mikey…”

Mikey’s POV:

I feel that Gerard’s taking a long time in the bathroom, he usually doesn’t take as long as he’s taking now unless he’s putting on his make-up, which I know there was no need for. I go up to the door and knock on it.

“Gee? You okay in there?” I said, no response. I try to calm down as I knock on the door harder. “Gerard?” I said a little louder, still no response. I check the door knob if it was locked, fortunately it wasn’t “Gerard, I’m coming in okay?” as I stepped into the bathroom my eyes were met by a horrible sight.

Gerard was drowning himself in the bathtub.

“GERARD!” I shout as I run to his side, pulling him out of the water, not caring if I was getting my own clothes wet. I unplug the cog in the tub as the water slowly goes down the drain as I pull my lover out of the bathtub and lay him down on the bathroom floor. “Gerard please, breathe Gee, please!” I said desperately as press my palms on his chest and tears uncontrollably streaming down my cheeks. I don’t feel him breathing.

“Gerard please don’t do this to me! Breathe! Please I beg you! Breathe!” I said in between sobs as I continue pressing my palms on his chest. “Gerard I love you! I’m begging you! Please don’t leave me like this!” I said, I hear Gerard cough out water and the color coming back in his face.

“Mikey…?” he said weakly.

“Oh God… Gerard…” I said, still crying, relieved that I haven’t lost my brother and lover. I hold his hand while I quickly wrap a towel around him, after which I cradle him in my arms, the tears still freely flowing down my face. “Gerard… why? I know you probably hate life now but why try to drown yourself?” I whispered.

“I’m sorry Mikey…” Gerard said, also sobbing as his hands cling onto me again, like a child. “I can’t take it anymore… I can still feel him in me… I can’t stand this feeling of filth…” he said.

“Gerard you know that… I love you and I don’t want to loose you… I’ll do anything to make you happy… you’re everything to me Gerard…”

“Mikey… I’m so sorry… I didn’t want to hurt you… but I ended up hurting you anyway… I’m so sorry…”

“I love you… and I’ll never leave you Gee…”

“I love you too Mikey… I won’t hurt myself anymore if it means I’m hurting you too… I want you to be happy…”

“I’m here for you always… Gerard…”

After Gerard had put his clothes back on we kept exchanging comforting sweet nothings until we both fell asleep in each others arms. I was scared for Gerard’s life last night, I didn’t want to loose him, I want him in my arms and I want to be in his arms. I love him so much, if he really did die I would’ve killed myself right at that moment.

I just can’t seem to live my life without him.

Gerard’s POV:

Last night I tried to kill myself, feeling that it was the only way to relieve me of my pain. But that was a mistake, and thanks to that mistake I made the person I love unhappy. I’m very sorry Mikey, I’ll never do that again. I would’ve really died last night if it weren’t for Mikey, who saved me and took me in his arms. He saved me. I know I just can’t get over what had been done to me, but I know one thing that’ll keep me alive:

I’ll always have Mikey to guide me.

Mikey’s POV:

Morning came; there was a small knock on the door that stirred me awake. I motioned to get out of the bed, making sure not to disturb Gerard and his sleep. I walk over to the door and open the door, only to see Frankie standing there.

“Hey Mikey, how’s Gerard?” he asked, I looked over at my brother’s sleeping figure on my bed, now hugging a pillow in my place.

“He’s all right I guess, we talked and stuff, why?” I said.

“Um… we have a performance tonight…”

“What?!” I nearly shouted, I looked over at Gerard again to see him still asleep. I turned back to Frankie and tone down my voice. “What do you mean we have a performance tonight?! I thought France was going to expect us tomorrow! Today was supposed to be our practice sessions!”

“I thought so too… but Brian called and… it seems we misunderstood the schedule… we need to practice this afternoon or after breakfast…”

“Oh God…” I ran my hand through my hair, sighing a bit as I lean on the doorway. “What do we do about Gerard?”

“That’s exactly what I’m here for, except for the fact that breakfast is ready and stuff.”

“He can’t just perform after what happened last night.”

“But then again this is Gerard we’re talking about.”

“Huh? What do you mean?”

“Well… I know Gerard… we all know him… he doesn’t like canceling shows, I mean come on, he performed with a broken rib one time, even when he tore all his ligaments on his ankle…”

“Thanks to you.” Frankie gives me a look, I cleared my throat. “Continue.”

“He wanted to get onstage and perform even if the doctors told him he couldn’t.”

“Frankie, this is not only his physical condition we’re talking about, what about his emotional condition?! He’s traumatized Frankie! Who knows, he could start crying while singing Disenchanted!”

“Disenchanted is a sad song, people will think that he’s just a good actor.” I give him a look this time, and he clears his throat. “Look, why don’t you just talk to Gee, if he wants to go onstage then we’ll go onstage, if he doesn’t… then we’ll have to postpone the show…”

“Good idea.”

“See you two at breakfast.” Frankie then left; I closed the door and went over to Gerard, who was still sleeping. I went under the sheets again and gave him a sweet kiss on the forehead, which stirred him a bit.

“Mikey? Is it morning already?” he said, his eyes slowly opening as he looks up to me. I smiled a bit as he sits up and yawns while leaning his head on my shoulder.

“Gee… there’s something you should know…” I started.

“What is it Mikey?” he asked.

“We have a performance tonight… we need to practice right after breakfast…” he gives me a look for a short while.

“I thought we were performing tomorrow night?” he said.

“I know… Frankie just informed me about what Brian told him…” he was silent for a while before he got out of bed and made his way to the bathroom. “You’re not going to kill yourself again are you?”

“No, I’m just going to get ready.”

“Wait, you mean that’s it? You’re not going to react?”

“React about what?”

“Gerard! You’re acting like it’s not a big deal especially regarding your situation right now!”

“Mikey, I went through concerts with a broken rib and torn ligaments, this show won’t be any different.”

“But it is different Gerard! I’m worried for you! You might just burst out crying in the middle of I Don’t Love You!”

“I Don’t Love You is a sad song, I’m supposed to look like I’m going to cry, remember the video?” damn it, why am I always picking the sad tear-jerking songs?

“So that’s it? You’re gonna act like nothing happened last night? You’re gonna act that you didn’t try to kill yourself because you got raped last night?!” I cover my mouth after saying that, I went too far. Gerard gives me a look and turns away. “I’m sorry Gee…”

“No, it’s okay, Mikey, I know I can’t simply forget about what happened to me last night, but how am I supposed to move on by sulking in the corner brooding while there are a thousand, or maybe even millions of kids out there who are looking forward to our concert, the reason why I started this band was because I wanted to save lives, I won’t be able to do that if I just sit here, at this moment I don’t really care about myself right now, I care about the people out there who did anything they can do just to get tickets to our show.”

“Gee… it’s just…” I sighed. “I don’t want you to push yourself… you’re a real selfless guy wanting to go to the show despite your condition at the moment but—“I was so busy trying to convince Gerard to take a break that I didn’t notice that he was going up to me as he places his lips on mine. I loved how soft his lips always were, and how his tongue would just work wonders in my mouth. He pulled away and smiled at me softly.

“Plus, I have you to be there and support me right?” he said, I returned the smile with my own, as I let my lips touch his momentarily.

“Of course.”

The performance night came and I was actually scared for someone else right now, we were getting ready back stage, tuning guitars and telling the crew what to do when we perform. I was just holding onto my bass, trying not to shake as I watch the person who I’m scared for.