. Claimed
Stay Strong, please.
- juno.:
- Title:
I like the title, it's cute and not too long or too short.
Layout:
The layout is lovely. The colors are really nice too, in contrast with each other. The purples and the whites are lovely.
Summary:
I love the summary. I always love quoets or lyrics for summarys.
Chapter two:
And then the twinkle the witch would get in her eyes when she knew a secret... the way her gnarled hands expertly weaved a strand of dried onion-grass. - There shouldn't be dots, it should be a comma instead.
I really like the first paragraphy, it's well written.
I also really love the third paragraphy, it's amazing and how you describe things, just blows me away.
As Violet entered the house once again, she laid the cotzu feather carefully on the table, arranging it perfectly. Like a welcoming gift. There should be a comma after perfectly.
I feel some of your paragraphs are too long. You could have broken them down in a lot of places. No one likes big chunks of endless writing.
but here... there was only night. Again, you could have used a comma instead of the dots. The dots aren't needed.
“Get away from there!” Came a muffled shriek, and then a cough. Violet's head quickly turned to stare into the shadows, her eyes meeting with those of an old woman. “Stay away from there, child!” The hag shouted again, her white hair blowing in a sudden breeze, along with a battered black cloak that hung around her wide shoulders
“Get away from there!” Came a muffled shriek, and then a cough.
Violet's head quickly turned to stare into the shadows, her eyes meeting with those of an old woman.
“Stay away from there, child!” The hag shouted again, her white hair blowing in a sudden breeze, along with a battered black cloak that hung around her wide shoulders. I should be written like that to avoid big chunks of writing.
'The hag' is used too much. Try other names.
She lives... lived on the edge of Felbourne, in the great marshes.” It would be better written like, She lives... lived," she corrected. "On the edge of Felbourne, in the great marshes.”
Overall:
It's very nicely written and described but you could have used a lot more dialouge. You could have also spaced out the paragraphs a bit better. But I did enjoy it, it was lovely.
July 26th, 2010 at 07:47pm