Story Comment Swap

Claimed ^

So first, The title did capture my attention. Then when I read the summery I was more interested to keep reading, The way you describe everything in the room is amazing, you give the read *me* a good view of how the room looked.

"It was stained with tears and blood. Not yet though, I realised. Not yet. This room was still innocent. It hadn’t happened yet."

This line right here,really made me think. What could have happened to cause them to say it hadn't happened yet. What hasn't happened?

Yup, I got the chills while reading this and I got a bit tear eyed. I have to say the way you wrote this chapter was absolutely amazing, It drew me in so much. keep up the great work because I am so going to see what else you have written, This was just. Gosh I dont know what else to say. =)

Though it would be interesting to know why he thought of himself as a freak, how old he was now and how he got back to see his younger self. You should make this into a story. Like make a story of his younger life or even a one shot. because again this was amazing. =)

Beware the planet death.

^ Claimed.

The summary drew me in immensly; I loved the huge, detailed description you had going on. I thought that this was going to be an absolutely amazing piece...
...and then I read the first chapter and was met with nothing but sex, sex, whore-talk, and sex.

I was honestly kind of disappointed with the way it started out. I'm not big into stories that deal with this "sex" factor, but moving on- The little bit you had with the mom eating human flesh got me back into reading it, You managed to step away from the main thing you had going and put something completely out of the ordinary in there, and I really enjoyed that.
I'm curious to see where you'll go with the rest of it. Keep writing. :)

Shadow of the Swastika

^ Claimed

cadaveres literarios:

I am going to divide my comment into different aspects of the story. Here it goes.

Title
I am normally not a fan of reading WWII stories, mainly because they unnerve me and normally trigger an anxious response from my part, so I wasn’t so sure about reviewing your story, but I decided to anyways give it a try after re-reading a WWII comic book that sort of helped ease the anxiousness.

My second impression of the title, right after clicking on the link, was that of a quite dramatic love story unfolding under WWII, sort of like a love story between a soldier and a prisoner; I don’t know why, but it evoked that in me.

Summary
Your summary, the very last part of it, is very compelling and inviting; I especially enjoyed this part: “where death is more than certain.” I was happy to read on the summary that the story focuses on freedom rather than love, at least from what I got from it. I am not very fond of love stories, so seeing that you will focus on companionship and friendship at such a traumatic time is interesting to me.

I’m not fond of the lyrics on summary, particularly because you already have lyrics on the banner and it kind of takes the attention away from the actual description of what the story is about.

Chapter 1
I will review chapter 1.
Terji’s narration is absolutely stunning; the descriptions, the taste and smell, how it looked like, it makes everything all more real to the reader and I love this about war stories; I admired how despite all he keeps holding on to hope, to the hope that he will escape some day. I find this beautifully written and I like how you do not have to describe how he looks like if it’s not necessary.

Now, onto Kalle’s narration, I’m not fond of the high content of physical descriptions of her. I don’t feel it is necessary to the story, at least not here. I don’t know, but it feels unfair to me that you present Terji as this hopeful and strong character, yet Kalle is presented only by how she looks like. Also, on her narration of how she sees Terji for the first time, I couldn’t help but feel as if she was seeing Terji as a child by the way she treats him; however I think this was the most realistic thing that Kalle could have done because of the look of fear in Terji’s eyes and the empathy that she felt. This is where I actually see more of character development than physical descriptions in Kalle and what I can see is compassion in her.

Layout
The only thing I would change is the color of the text, maybe make it a little more brighter because it was a little hard to read with the black layout and the gray letters. However, I do love your banner.

Overall
I think this story has a great concept and I am liking the characters so far, minus a few details that can be polished.

Lifeline

Claimed

I’m a bit pressed for time writing this, so I’ve only had the chance to read the first chapter, but I’m pretty sure I’ll be back to read the rest because this is wonderful.

First thing I noticed, and it’s the thing that kept me reading and that has made me want to read the rest, is the overall voice of the story. It was realistic and read naturally and so on but what I really liked was the kind of… coldness of it and how it was detached? I haven’t read too many things like this but the ones that I have encountered were a little too emotional and full of overwhelming concern for my personal taste so it was really nice change to come across something that took a different approach. Also some of the lines are brilliant, especially: “And it’s back to the script again, so you can feel like you are in control, when you aren’t. Not really.”

Second thing I really liked is the dialogue. Again, kind of like the overall voice of the main character, it was realistic and struck me as natural. I liked that the two characters had their very different voices and ways of speaking. I like that the piece doesn’t need constant indicators of who spoke or how they said it because all that detail is included inside the dialogue tags.

I’d love to pull this apart more and point out more things I like about it because I’ve thoroughly enjoyed reading just this one little part of it. I shall most likely be back later to read the rest (:

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He Blinks Again

^ Claimed.

dark desires:

Here from the Story Comment Swap thread.

For starters, I dislike the layout. Simplicity is always a safe route to go, but this is.... well. It's just too simple. If you put a nice banner or even a very simple image, it would add to the effect it has on you tenfold. I do love the title, however - it's original and nice and clean feeling.

As for the actual writing, I think your summary is a bit lacking. In the first sentence, Ned rhymes with dead and it just sounds very silly, which takes away from the impact the sentence would have if Ned's name was changed. It just sounds a bit ludicrous to me and I highly recommend changing it. I like the paragraph after that, however; you give the reader just enough to kind of hook them in without giving away too much, and it leaves you with a satisfying feeling of having earned it.

I absolutely love the opening paragraphs of chapter one. The choppiness of it represents perfectly the way Conner would be thinking; things would not be flowing well, thoughts would not be very lucid, and your writing reflects that. I love it. It's the perfect hook to draw you in and leave you interested.

I also think you portrayed the next morning almost absolutely perfectly. The way you describe everything, from the surroundings to Connor's thoughts to the feelings of grief, is absolutely astonishing. You have this sort of touch in your writing that just makes it seem so life like and real, so raw. But again, I feel like the sentence Ned is dead repeating over and over again just breaks the readers from this sort of trance that you create. Again - it just sounds silly.

The way you work in the tumor gradually is very nice. You don't simply state "Ned had a tumor" or anything like it, and the way you subtly fit it into Connor's daily routine is great. I love that you make the reader think that they had to work for the information. I do have to say that a tumor is a bit cliché or expected, but I'm really not sure what you could have done to change that....

All in all, you make a normal every day story sound so amazing and perfect. It just draws you in and you have to keep reading. The way you have the spouses arguing over something as simple as paint swatches really gets into the mechanics of relationships; not all of them end because of a tragic event, and this highlights it. You make the death of his son feel so real, and even though it's all he practically thinks about, he does notice things outside of that thought, like the color of the walls and climate outside, and I absolutely adore this. Most people don't write this realistically when referring to a tragedy, instead throwing other details out the window.

My god, I could go on and on about how perfect this is, but the point of comment swapping is for criticism, not praise. I truly wish I had more to say on that topic, but the only thing that comes to mind is how Ned rhymes with dead. Not very helpful, I know.

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Blood and Thunder

Claimed

So this kind of story can be a hard sell for me, but I liked it. It was an enjoyable read and I imagine I’ll be back for more (:

I like that the prologue starts with action and just throws you straight in there. I also really like the tense, I feel it adds to the urgency of what is happening. The only thing that I have in terms of criticism is that though your writing has a great balance between being tight and concise while still being detailed, it could be a little tighter in places. The only suggestion I can think of for that is one that will make me feel like a huge hypocrite because I always neglect this myself, but possibly try removing the adverbs. I often find that removing adverbs just makes writing tighter/stronger overall, which in the case of this story would make it go from being great to being better (I’m not even sure that made sense ). It seems like such a petty point to make but it’s the only sort of criticism I can come up with :3

The way the story is paced is also nice. That the prologue begins with so much urgency and then as the first chapter opens it steps back and slows down a little bit but still keeps on moving without it getting bogged down or hitting any lulls.

I also really enjoyed your characterisation. The characters are well thought out and read like real people, which is always nice to come across. The same also goes for the dialogue in the sense that it reads a lot like natural speech.

I'm looking forward to reading more (:

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He Blinks Again

Claimed.

DreamerHarlotSinner:

*From the Story Comment Swap Thread*

As soon as I read the summary, I felt Connor's grief. However, I do agree with dark desires about using Ned is dead in the first line. I understand you want to get the bluntness of the situation across, which is affective since you use the same line later on in chapter 1.But the fact it rhymes is a little humorous. Maybe it's just the name?

Your writing style interests me a lot. I love the use of short sentences and still being able to be descriptive. Most people, including myself, can be bland when doing this, but you pull it off. It works really well in this story as it translates into exactly how Connor is feeling; he is numb but is still able to notice what's happening around him.

The layout is classy and simple; it doesn't distract the reader and because it's so blunt, it adds to the emotion Connor is feeling. I like it a lot.

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The Truth About Him

^ Claimed.

dark desires:

From the story comment swap thread.

For starters, I think the title is a bit.... blah. It describes the story, sure, but I don't feel like the reader is really going to connect with it at the end of the story - you know, those moments when suddenly the title just clicks and makes sense. The layout, though, is great - simple, yet beautiful, and everything fits together well.

As for your description... I just don't like it. It reads like one big run-on sentence and it's a bit distracting. It also doesn't really hook you in, which is extremely important with these type of stories. Unless you have some kind of action or very unique trait to it, you really have to work to create a hook that says "Look, this story is really awesome and intense" within a few sentences. If you don't do that, people will just pass it by, thinking it's just like the other romance stories with a near-identical plot. I would suggest putting a bit more about Eilidah's past into the summary, just to spice it up.

As for your actual writing (commenting on the first & second chapters here), it's nice. You have a knack of describing just enough, leaving the reader with a nice sense of what exactly is going on around them. You can visualize the scene, but you don't overload your mind with too many tedious details. For some odd reason, the way you have the main character interact with her cat is just amazing to me. It makes the situation feel so real and raw, and it's just honestly a very nice touch.

I also enjoy how you slowly work her past into the story, rather than just throw it all on the reader at once. You give them enough to intrigue, yet again, you don't overdo it. One of my complaints is how Rosie (Eilidiah is a bit tedious to type ) doesn't seem at all uncomfortable talking to people. Someone who went through a major tragedy, especially a murder, would at least be nervous talking to someone when vulnerable. She's living alone with her cat and, although paying for a pizza is the most nonchalant thing in the world to most people, it would probably make her nervous or at least a bit on edge. Someone is coming to her house. They're going to know where she lives, even if she has a false name - this leaves her in a brief state of vulnerability.

When I hit chapter 2, I literally facepalmed. Seeing something as amazing as your first chapter do this in the second is just....

Starting out with a flashback or a dream is just so immensely cliché and overdone that I just cannot stand it. If someone asked me, it would be the number 1 thing not to do when you're writing. Find some other way to work the experience in, make your readers ache to know what happened, build it up throughout the story. And then, when you finally do give it to them, they'll truly feel as if they've earned it and it will be so much more exciting. I know that sometimes the urge to just write that one exciting part eventually wins over, but if your readers are just dying to know what happened throughout the story, it'll be a hook that makes them keep reading even during the dull parts.

I think that's all I've got to say. You're really amazing with details and your character feels very 3-dimensional, very real and raw. You have an amazing story going so far, and with a bit more practice, it'll be flawless.

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Latest chapter (or 2, if you're feeling generous), of Blood and Thunder.

@ dark desires
Claimed.

I hadn't realized I'd just read this story earlier today and I think it's absolutely amazing. It's really different, than what i'm used to reading and before I saw it in the forums I had seen it while searching for something to read.
I've got to say, it's really well written and I really like it very much. I was pretty surprised when you killed off some of the characters because I thought they would be main characters but I really like where the story is going.

I hadn't been able to see the layout until now, and I like it. I think the title looks a little bit awkward, but it might just be me.
I read the whole story so far and am subscribed, I can't wait for another update.

Folie à Deux

^Claimed

This story had my interest from the first few paragraphs. It's very intriguing, in that it gives just enough information so that you're not completely confused, but it has you coming back for more. Having said that though, I felt like I was missing something throughout the first chapter. Am I correct in guessing that these people the main character refers to as brothers are in fact fellow members of some kind of cult? The way they're mentioned in this chapter and the next leads me to believe it. At the same time though, if that is it, then it's good that you aren't just calling it that over and over again. This is showing that the main character is clearly out of it.

This is an excellent example of descriptive writing: it paints a clear portrait of the setting and it's people, but doesn't go so into detail that I'm just skimming through to get to dialogue. It says what's important and nothing more. The basement in the first chapter: oooh. Even though I'm sitting in my well-lit home, I felt as if I was in that dank basement as well. I could almost hear the ragged breathing of the victims and the excited whispers of the "brothers."

All in all, this seems really well written. I found no grammatical or spelling errors, and the content is certainly new to my eyes. I'll be sticking around for this one.

Please choose from The Heart Never Lies, An American Rabbit in Japan, or The Calming Touch of Metal. I listed them in order from longest to shortest (the last being a one-shot and original fiction). I certainly don't expect you to read all of the first two because I understand that that is a lot to do.

^ Claim, The Calming Touch of Metal.
Edit:

Quote

Sorry for the delay on your comment; my laptop chose a bad time to act up. Anyways, onto the comment. I always do my comments in subsections about the story, so here it goes.

Layout
I'm not really fond of the premade mibba layouts. I know it really fits your story, but I love it when the authors make their own layouts because that adds more to the feel and intensity of the story. It is readable, however, so it was perfect for setting in a little dark mood and great at being reader-friendly.

Summary
I'd have loved a small summary in the story. The title led me to think it was a story about metal music but it turned out to be something not even remotely close to it. I think summaries, even in one-shots, allow for the author to attract more readers and adding a nice, short summary previous to the great content that your story has would certainly get more readers to your story.

Content
I really loved the plot of your story because of how realistic it is. This is how stalking usually escalates to violence and it's so common and highly correlated that it made me smile (I know it shouldn't have made me smile because it's a serious topic) that you carried it out so realistically, from the microagressions that this man made onto Cat to the life-threatening situation he placed her in. The story is written so well that it allows for these progressions to be shown in just one chapter and it's really perfect that you managed to convey all of the horror and trauma that such experiences carry with them.

I also loved that you made such a strong leading female character. Even though Cat was placed under such situation, she managed to defend herself and fight. She was smart and strong in such a realistic manner that it doesn't touch on the typical Mary Sueness associated with these types of stories in which the chacarter all of a sudden learns to fight like a professional; she's a regular teenager that managed to pull through such a horrible experience and fight for her life.

The rawness of the emotions carried through your descriptions do a great job in conveying fear and anxiety. That's what I got the most on the last scene in which he enters to her house. I also liked the descriptions of the actions taken by Cat; it seemed like a combination of a horror/action movie but it was a great combination and it worked well with the characters.

Overall, I liked the piece and, content-wise, I think that the only improvement that it needs lies on having a small summary and that's about it. I know layouts are just an add on that we authors have on mibba, but I think it'd be nice to have a personal layout for such a unique and interesting story. I really enjoyed reading and I will recommend

I would like a comment on Curiouser and Curiouser. This is a fanfiction crossover between Doctor Who and Alice in Wonderland. Thank you beforehand.

^ Claimed.

First off, the layout is amazing. It really has the feel of both.. worlds I guess?
Chapter One:
I love how Reverend Dodgson seems eccentric and oblivious to the danger of the whirlpool. At times he seems a little crazy... but in a enjoyable, quirky sort of way. Also, the language used here is wonderful. You really get a feel of the period that Alice is in. Overall a really enjoyable chapter, making it extremely interesting as to what comes next!
Chapter Two:
The description in the first paragraph is great. You really feel as though you're going down with her and I love the way you incorporated taste into a description which I wouldn't normally consider it. Very creative! I also love how Alice seems so polite and innocent, like when she scolds herself for being rude, I think it makes her adorable!
Then the description of the Doctor, who it seems very much like the mad hatter, it just brilliant. You've captured his personality completely and I feel as though this is going to be an interesting pairing. Overall, I am loving this story!

-
Here Without You
Thanks!

^ Claimed.

Wow first of all, props on giving me chills with the first chapter. Your descriptions are fantastic and I felt like I was there because everything was described so clearly. I especially loved the way that you described Alice because not only does it let the reader know what she looks like, but it also gives the reader a look into how Ethan thinks of her. In reality, she may not have been as beautiful as described, but that's how Ethan sees her and loves her. Giving the reader a look into how Ethan sees Alice helps the reader to understand his personality more and why he can’t seem to let go of his feelings for her even though she's gone.

I'd love a comment on Do You Wish It Was Me?

^ Claim.

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I really liked this. I think wat I liked most about it was that most of the story was told in flashbacks, with a few added thoughts to it at the end of the flashbacks. The two flashbacks were amazing. They were so different from each other, and I thought it was really awesome how you did that. Both caused me to feel, like, every emotion in the whole world.

This was really well-written. The ending kind of made me sad, but happy at the same time. She was with a man that she loved, but she was still in love with another man. But that man cheated on her, so she totally deserves someone who will actually love her. Anyway, I really enjoyed reading this. Fantastic job.

Forgetfullness please?

^ Claimed.

Quote:

First off, I love the layout to this story. It is very minimalistic and clean but gets the mood of the story across very well! So about your story; I really enjoyed your usage of Greek mythology. The way you weaved the concepts of the river, Lethe, was really interesting and something I have not read on Mibba before.
The way you described the woman who went to Lethe was very beautiful. I adored how you described her feelings of sorrow before she drank from the river and how she transformed into peacefulness after. That paragraph set the mood for the story and really helped me understand how Lethe worked. The man at the river, even though you only had a few sentences for him, had such great characterization! I liked how you described that his feelings of distress too went away but unlike the woman, he almost regretted losing his memories.
I really enjoyed reading this! I wish it was longer, however, so I hope you decide to write more chapters about it!

Flux. please and thank you!

Claimed ^

Quote:

I read the first chapter and it is stunningly written. You certainly know your way with words. Your word choice really created the mood and imagery in this story. The descriptions in this story definitely helped paint the picture for me. I think my favorite part of this story was the backstory (talking about the multiple foster home she’s been in). Normally, when writers start explaining a backstory, it’s hard to pull it back into the actual story. But, with yours, it just seemingly flowed together, from backstory to the actual story. I think this is a very strong beginning to a story. Well done.

Birthday in Los Angeles, thank you!

^ Claimed.

"So, I usually don't read fan fiction but I'm happy that I read this, it's different from most of the other things I read. I was especially happy with this story because I didn't have to know who John was, to be able to read it and understand what was going on. (Honestly I didn't know John wasn't your own character until I glanced at the info page.) I also liked the characterization of John and Brynn, and the descriptions of Brynn. It was a very different way of describing someone, and it turned out nicely. I think you should update soon!"

Dégoûtante

^ Claim.

My nitpickies first:

You really like commas, and commas are wonderful, but you’re overusing them a little bit Double check for comma-splices. Otherwise, I can’t find anything wrong with your structure.

I would also be careful of block paragraphs of description. The one place I really noticed it was in Sylvia’s description of Cassie’s room. It just read a little awkwardly. This is not the first time she’s been in Cassie’s room, and she probably doesn’t take stock of it in panning detail every time she’s in there. Only mention the important stuff – stay concise.

NOW. My absolute favorite thing about this story? The title. I didn’t even have to know what it meant (though of course I did look it up) to love it. The fact that it’s not English really gave it the feel of old European tradition, which, after reading what you’ve posted, I can see is going to be really important to the plot. Sylvia’s mom is such a religious zealot. It’s going to be interesting to see where this goes.

Shattered Postcards.

^ Claimed.

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Hey! I’ll be reviewing chapter by chapter and give my honest critique about your story

Summary
The summary for me is okay. It would have been better without the excerpt though. The summary doesn’t really flow as well as it should but it’s better than a summary like ‘I don’t like summaries. Please read.’

First Chapter
The first chapter is very descriptive and well-written! I enjoyed reading it and it wasn’t as boring as most first chapters.

” I’ll claim now that it was the accent combined so unexpectedly with those fair, innocent features--high cheek bones and fluid movements--that caught me off guard and resulted in that which was soon to come, but it was really something so simply beyond either of our control it seems petty and ridiculous to even attempt to hold accountable: basic anatomical parts.”
I just don’t understand this paragraph.

Other than that, your first chapter was perfect!

Second Chapter
Okay, there were two sentences in the first paragraph should have ended in a period instead of a semicolon. Aside from that, it was also good! The descriptions were perfect and it was a splendid chapter.

Third Chapter
I think this chapter had a good back story and it certainly gave some details about Jaidea.

Fourth Chapter
The first sentence should have ended in a period. That’s the only thing I saw that was incorrect.

Fifth Chapter
I think you meant the word ‘except’ instead of ‘accept’ in this sentence: Accept maybe Liddy. Liddy wanted to see me fail.

Overall
This story is a very good story. Jaidea is a very interesting character and I’d love to know her back-story. The details and descriptions and there are only a few stories here in Mibba that can maintain the descriptiveness in all the chapters. I just noticed after reading all the chapters that this story was slow-paced. It doesn’t matter, actually but I usually don’t read those kind of stories but while I was carefully reading the chapters, I kinda forgot about my dislike. I am very interested and curious to what will happen next. I am definitely subscribing and recommending this story. I’m very excited for the next chapter and I’m so glad that I joined the Comment Swap thread or else, I wouldn’t have seen this story.

Ave Maria, please

^claimed

DreamerHarlotSinner:

*I'm here from the comment swap thread! *

The summary is really well written and it captivated me as soon as I started reading it. The layout is a curious thing, however. I find the summary page to be a little plain and almost squashed, yet the simplicity works so well for the chapter. I completely understand that you didn't want to take away from the words written on the page but, with having such a great summary, I feel as if there's something off. I just can't pinpoint it, unfortunately.

I adore the Biblical atmosphere you have incorporated throughout your piece. It shows commitment and understanding, which is always brilliant to read. The first chapter is just as captivating as the summary; when the reader finally understands who/what Ave Maria is, it sends a glorious shiver down one's spine, or at least it did for me. I love how elegant your writing style is; your descriptions are great, and your lack of description of the woman just adds to the mystery. My only criticism is, though it's probably just my personal opinion, how short the sentences are and how you could put more detail into them.

Overall, this is very well written and it is obvious that you have a great talent for writing. Keep up the good work!

The Comfort Girl