I Feel Myself Go Under

Ash didn't know what to say as Oliver apologised, continuing to gently clean his face for several long minutes. She rinsed out the cloth and gave one more wipe to the watery smears of blood that remained before dropping the thing into the sink.

"You're old enough to do what you want," she said eventually. "I'm not going to tell you what you can and can't do. You know how I feel about it and I'm not going to say anything more. I don't understand it, I'm not sure I want to understand it sometimes."

She brushed damp strands of hair back, where they'd stuck to Oliver's forehead as she'd wiped his face. With gentle fingers under his chin she tilted his head back to look him in the eye.

"I love you, even if I don't always like you, remember?" Ashley told him. "And right now you're not my favourite person in the world, but I'm not going anywhere just yet."

She dropped her hands from his face, moving to wash them of the faint coppery stain ingrained into her fingertips.

"You're all done," she added.

"Yet? The fuck do you mean yet?" Oliver yelled as he stood up. Anger boiling inside of him, he couldn't hold it in. "You can't fucking stand there and tell me you love me, then fucking say your not going anywhere yet." He pushed Ashley back, pinning her agaisnt the sink.
"Why wait to leave. Just leave now if you already plan on it."
Maybe you're over reacting, he thought to himself.

Ashley looked up at Oliver, eyes going wide with shock before she could help herself. She felt afraid for a moment. Something she thought she'd never feel around Oli. But then she clenched her jaw and stood her ground. This wasn't what she was here for.

"Yet," she repeated cooly, glaring up at him. "And if you want me to leave right now then you're going the right way about it."

She wondered how much of this was the drugs, and how much of it was actually him. If this happened every time he took K, like he seemed to plan to... Tears of frustration and worry began to prick at her eyes, but she'd be damned if she was going to let Oli see her cry right now.

"Let me go," she said, just about keeping her voice level. "Please, Oliver."

"So if shit gets too much for you, you're just going to walk away? Well aren't you lucky." he laughed as he looked into her eyes. "Don't you know how many times I could walk away from myself? Just end the constant battle in my head, the loneliness I feel, the god damn voices. But I don't, you know why?" he said lowly, putting his face close to hers before he whispered, "I would miss you too much."

He stepped back keeping his eyes locked with hers. "But apparently you won't." He turned and walked out of the bathroom.

The tears that had threatened to fall dripped down Ashley's cheeks as Oliver left the bathroom. her hands trembled as she wiped at them, but there was little she could do about it. She was scared, more for Oliver, rather than herself. He'd never said, not even mentioned, anything like this before and she didn't know what to do.

She made her way from the bathroom to her bunk, keeping her eyes on her destination lest she end up bumping into Oli on the way. Once behind the relative privacy of the curtain, she didn't even bother drying her eyes, just clenched fistfuls of her hair in frustration as she thought.

What was even expected of her? To just smile sweetly whilst she got pushed about, whilst Oliver went near comatose on drugs, whilst he got so angry that he punched people to the ground with very little prompting? Was that what Oliver wanted her to do now? Stand passively by and just clean him up when he needed it...

Of course she'd miss Oli. She missed him now, she missed this morning in the hotel, she missed every moment until before this evening's show. And the ache gnawed at her until she finally fell asleep.

[Sorry. Everything I post right now is crap.]

Oliver made his way to the back room and saw Vegan taking a hit out of the bong. He sat next to him, asking for next hit.

"So, tell me, what did you think of the K? How many did you take anyways?" Vegan asked after blowing out his smoke.

"Uh, I took 2. In all honesty, It's great." Oliver said, taking the bong from Vegan and lighting it.
"You should snort it. Greatest fucking high ever." Vegan said laughing.
Oliver nodded at him before taking another hit. At this point, Oliver would try anything. He was craving some sort of escape. And by his experience with ketamine so far, he was thinking that was the way to go.

The rest of the night was a blur, shots, bottles of beer and Oliver ended the night with a line of ketamine. He escaped his body once more, left all his troubles behind.

[Me too. Sick baby=brain dead, sleep deprived mommy.]

When morning came, and the bus had stopped, Ashley changed quickly and slid from her bunk. She collected her purse as she left the bus, but didn't go far.

Settling on the floor, ignoring the gravel and dirt that would no doubt smear her jeans, Ash leant back against one of the buses large tyres. She was still upset, angry, frustrated from the night before and her hands trembled as she pulled a cigarette from the pack in her purse, unsteady hands lighting it.

She watched the midmorning sun make its way across the sky, chain smoking until her hands stilled and her eyes no longer felt hot and dry with last night's tears.

By midday the small pile of butt by her knee was being added to with less frequency, and she was scrolling absently through her phone. She was dreading tonight, unsure what would happen in the evening. Or if Oli would even make it to the evening, for all she knew he was up and about, adding to the stench of stale beer and smoke in the bus once more.

Oliver rolled over, bumping into something hard. He groaned, bringing a hand up to rub his closed eyes. His head felt like it was being squished. He pulled himself up, with help from the couch. He walked to the front, keeping one eye shut in hopes to help with the pain in his head. He grabbed the pain killers and took 3, swallowing them dry. He grabbed a water from the fridge and sat down at the table, placing his head in his hands.

Once his headache was gone, he looked at the clock and saw it was midday. He sighed and grabbed his smokes from the bunk before heading outside. He squinted as the sub blinded him and kept his head down. He started to walk to the back of the bus, but noticed Ash was sitting next to the tire smoking. He walked over to her and sat down. He noticed the pile of butts, figuring she had been out here all morning.

He lit a smoke before looking over at her for a moment before he looked straight ahead. He wasn't sure what to say, seeing as it was his fault she smoked almost a whole pack. He should apologize, but would she accept it? He knew he was an asshole to her, but didn't regret saying the things he did.

"I'm not sorry about what I said. But I am sorry that it hurt ya." he said blowing out a cloud of smoke. He turned his head to look at her, furrowing his eyebrows at her. "Wouldn't you act that way if the tables were turned?"

Ash sighed and locked her phone, turning to look at him.

"I don't know, Oliver," she told him. "I have no idea what I would do if it was the other way around, and I have no idea what to do now. What do you even want from me? To just sit about and smile whilst you do... whatever, then clean you up after? To stand there whilst you pin me to a sink and shout in my face because I implied I might want to leave the fucking bus?"

She shrugged, turning her attention to her lighter as she flicked it on and off, but made no move to light another cigarette.

"I love you. I do. But I don't know how many times I can watch you do this, I don't know how many times you plan to do this and... I don't know, at some point I might need one night where I'm not afraid that you'll choke on your own blood a couple of rooms down. That's all. I'm sorry."

Oliver looked at her, raising one eyebrow. "Leave the bus? I thought you meant breaking up with me." He sighed and flicked his cigarette butt away.
"I love you too. And I'm not sure either what I expect you to do. I thought this would be fun, for the both of us. I thought we would become closer. But I guess all I'm doing is pushing you away." He pulled out another smoke and lit it. Taking a deep drag before turning his head and looking straight again, blowing the smoke out.

"But, I'm not changing what I do. I'm having fun and enjoying myself. But if you can't handle it, then you can go home." As soon as the words left his mouth, he regreted it. He didn't want her to leave, but if she didn't want to see it then he thought it would be best for her.

Ashley shuffled closer to Oli, so her shoulder brushed against his. Just for the contact she wanted, but cautious that he may not.

"I'm not gonna break up with you, not over something like this," Ash told him. "But last night... was it really fun? You hurt yourself, and you were... I don't know, I guess you just didn't sound happy."

She paused and shrugged, picking at the cuff of her sweater.

"You can do what you want, I trust you with that. I want you to be happy, and if that's what it takes..." Ash looked over at him, examining his face for damage from last night's fight and meeting with the floor. She bought up a hand to gently tilt Oliver's face towards her for a better look. "I worry, that's all. Maybe next time try for a softer landing?"

Oliver wrapped his arm around her shoulder when she scooted closer, listening to her words. He smiled when she took his face in her hand, laughing slightly at her. "I'll try."
He wanted to tell her about his experience with ketamine last night, but knew it would make the situation worse.
"Just know, I was happy. The first time, I just didn't know what was going on. I wasn't inside myself for awhile. It was nice." He was already thinking about when he could do it again. Probably not until after the show, he didn't know how it would effect his performance.

He pulled her close and took a deep drag of his smoke before flicking it. He knew she wouldn't leave, no matter how bad things got. He wouldn't leave either. But now that he found ketamine, she wasn't the only one who could help him, K could.

Ash nodded hesitantly, not quite understanding but then again, it didn't matter if she understood. Oliver said he was happy, what more could she want.

It was hard, putting this Oliver together with the one from last night. But then, maybe it wouldn't always be the same. Maybe there were good times and bad times. She leant into him as he pulled her close, relishing in the warmth he provided for a moment. It was fine, everything was going to be fine. They'd cleared things up and now it was okay.

"My legs are going numb," she admitted eventually. "I've been sat out here too long, and I think there's gravel that's now fully indented in my thighs. You staying out here, or can you help me up?"

Oliver nodded and stood up, extending his hand out for her. He turned her around and laughed as he saw gravel stuck all down her back side and legs.
"You'll be fine." he smiled as he brushed them off for her.

Later thay night before the show, Oli was in the green room getting ready for the show. He was warming up his voice, while trying not to laugh at the other guys who were mocking him. He made a mental note to get them back.
He was happy that the rest of the day went smoothly, he stayed in a good mood after talking with Ashley.

Once he was done, he punched each guy in the arm, even after chasing Matt down for running away. He grabbed a beer before sitting on the couch next to Ashley, peeking over her shoulder and reading her text book.
"You are always studying." he said before ripping the book away, tossing it on the floor next to him. He smiled at her before taking a sip of his beer.

Ash blinked as the book was taken from her, turning to look at Oli. She braced herself on his lap as she leant over him to pluck her book from the floor.

"I have an essay due soon, that's all," she told him, smoothing the pages out flat, textbooks were pricey, and she was hoping to be able to sell it on once she had finished with it. All the same, once the pages had recovered from their journey to the floor, so closed the book and set it down besides her.

"Three more days and I can be fun again, promise," she told Oli with a small smile. "All ready?"

Oli wrapped his arm around her waist, pulling her close to him. "I guess I can handle three days." he flashed a smile at her before sipping more of his beer.
"For the most part." he replied looking down at her, taking her in. He couldn't wipe his grin off of his face as he looked at her. He felt he was back in middle school with a crush on someone. He was enjoying the fact that he was happy, wishing the feeling would stick around longer.

The stage hand came in, telling them it was time. He turned to Ashley, "You staying here to study?"

[Sorry. It's bad. Getting some motivation back after everything :/ ]

Ash pressed a kiss to the corner of Oli's smile and slid out his grip when the stage hand came by.

"Would I ever miss a chance to see you play?" she asked with a grin. "All the grades in the world wouldn't be worth it. Besides, I'm sure I'll have some time tomorrow morning when you're all nursing hangovers."

She stood, taking Oliver's free hand in both of hers to haul him to his feet off the sofa.

"Where'd you reckon would be the best place to see your beautiful face from? Stage side or up in the balcony?"

"No, I know you wouldn't. But I still ask." he smiled back at her. He laughed as she pulled him up, wrapping his arm around her shoulder.
"But...aren't you going to take care of me and my hangover tomorrow?" he pouted, sticking his bottom lip out and fluttering his eye lashes at her.

"Between the stage and the guard-rail. With security." If he could, he would have her right next to him. So being there was as close as he could get her.

Ashley laughed softly and kissed Oliver's pouting lip.

"I suppose I'll take care of you and your hangover," she said with a smile.

She nodded, leaning into him for the few moments before he had to get out on stage.

"Up close, of course. To make it easier for you to serenade me, right?" she teased.

"If singing to you about giving someone a Chelsea Grin serenading," he chuckled before slipping his hand into hers and walking towards the stage. He stopped next to the other guys, who were strapping on their guitars.

He turned to Ashley and grabbed her face in his hands. He smiled at her before placing a soft kiss on her lips. He pulled away before letting go of her face.

"Go with her and she will lead you to the spot." he said pointing at one of the venue workers. He placed a quick kiss on her cheek before walking over to one of the roadies and grabbing his ear piece and microphone.