Confess on My Wayward Son

I'm just reasy to go home, eat my late ass dinner, and read some fanfiction. Maybe work on my Quicksilver cosplay.

I feel like shit. I keep rethinking and replaying what happened today and I just can't help feeling like I've really screwed myself.

Today was terrible.
And I don't know what I'll do if everything goes wrong.

I actually completed my first year at university. Something that should make me proud is fucking with my anxiety so much because it's been a constant reminder since January that this is my second attempt, that I'm such a mess and so useless that while everyone I was at school with has finished their third year, I've only finished my first.

How am I turning 21 next week? I was never supposed to reach 18, let alone 21, and yet it's creeping up so quickly and I'm just really struggling with dealing with this.

I think I didn't get that position. For now, I'm fine. But if I find out the reason I didn't get it was because of my race, someone's gonna get it.

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Just found fanfiction that would probably make normal people angry. And here I am, rolling in it before I even get out of bed.

@ NightStar;
Thank you :) things got a lot better after a good long talk. I'm sorry things are hard for you too, I hope they look up and the depression gets easier to manage. It's never nice when you've worked so hard to pull yourself out and a string of events just smacks you back down again. I wish I had advice to give but any advice in the face of depression doesn't usually help.

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Things are good and I'm feeling quite good. I just have this feeling hanging over me that I'm a bit useless. The constantly being ignored and/or rejected from jobs isn't helping, I feel unemployable. False promises of 'you'll find out by this day and we'll definitely call whether you're successful or not' only to never get a call. Working four hours on a 'trial' only to never hear from them again. It doesn't half make you feel used. But I'm gonna keep trying cos giving up makes no sense.

I need uni to start again.

@ The God of Mischief.
???

You keep wanting to talk about Steven Universe and Undertale with me but the thing is, while i love those two, uh, things... i get tired of talking about them and plus you keep repeating yourself.... and it annoys me. Like you always try arguing with me over stupid points/ideas about the cartoon and game. I'm fine with discussing them but everytime you bring up a point and i bring up a point, you have to fight me on it and then you get upset and mopey when someone disagrees with you or gets upset at you for being so forceful. I love you and you're my cousin, you're like a little sister to me but you dont need to be so competitive about a silly game or a silly cartoon. You don't need to argue with me to get your point across. Stop repeating your "point" or whatever and accept that i'm not going to have the same views as you. This is one of the reasons why i'm uncomfortable with sharing the same interests with people sometimes.

@ The God of Thunder.
Dick Grayson (former/original Robin)X Bruce Wayne. **pwp

Tell me how I got curbed by a friend and now I feel like I'm creepy and that's why....yikes.

@ The God of Mischief.
Kreygasm yas bby. Love me some O dis.
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100% depression, 100% of the time.

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@ The God of Thunder.
It's such a well written one, too. Also if you ever need to talk to someone, hit me up please. Before too long ill just start hitting ya booty up.

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I always feel so young when I hang out with our friends group, and so innocent. They've all got battle stories and yet, here I am, sheltered and sort of socially recluse.

I’m baaaaaack

I really shouldn't have had that afternoon coffee.

@ Quercus
I just feel that being older than most of my friend just highlights how useless I am.

And I'm trying to be proud that I finally managed to complete my first year.

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At the point where I'd rather stay in halls until my contract is up instead of going home on the 9th.

I like being quiet, just existing, not being involved in activities. My mind is more fun and more intimate than anything I can get from the outside world, so I like to just lie down and let it take me around.
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I hope tonight isn't as bad as the nights have been.
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He would go out and have fun, get drunk and high and enjoy his company, and I'd be kept in his house like a slave so he could have sex at the end of the night. That's all I was. A trapped sex slave. And now I have a complex. Now I am so scared that all I am is somebody to satisfy another, and that once all the other needs are filled, it will be time to use me. I am scared beyond the weight of my human pounds.
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it brings me comfort to have parts of my body look like a crime scene

I honestly hate it when I have my stress-triggered panic attacks mostly because people don't get it and they think I'm just being overdramatic.

@ The God of Thunder.
Are things alright now? Has anything bad happened? I hope you're doing okay!

@ steven g. rogers.
Thank you so much. Just memories of my past, come full haunt.
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I wish I could just enjoy, party, dance, drink, maybe even smoke.
But I can't. I have an unending need to be aware. I can't be selfish.
All the horrible things happening, and I can't turn my back to them.