Confess on My Wayward Son

Don't get me wrong, I'm super excited that September hit and Ohio's weather got cold buuuuuttttt....leaves are already turning and the average for this time of year should still be in the low 70s so what the actual hell does this mean for our winter??

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Short survival story: yellow jackets swarming in the dumpster outside.

I hate Seattle. I wanna go back to Texas.

The UK is going to have another royal baby! That's so exciting

More and more I feel so out of place here. I don't know what I'm still clinging on to. I haven't written anything in a while. I haven't posted anything good in a long time. I'm just like hanging here like a broken branch. Maybe I should just leave.

She's started chemo.

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Sometimes I feel so shitty for wanting you to spend a little bit of time with me. I just think about it, if wanting to feel genuine joy and happiness is some kind of drag I ought to feel guilty for, then just damn me, condemn me now. Because it's all I really want. I don't want to forget what that was like.

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My feelings keep fluctuating and it's annoying the hell out of me. Either I'm okay or the word "what" reminds me of him. Either I'm distracted and not thinking about it or a random argument we had months ago pops into my brain. I know it was only a few days ago but goddamn I hate this feeling

Not gonna lie, I'm pretty worried about this hurricane.

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The cover version of that song is absolutely brilliant and I can't help but think about the time we first met when I hear it. I don't know why that is. I wonder if you remember.

I had no way of knowing you were going to change my life. Forever.

She's got such a good attitude about this all. it makes me hopeful.

Nothing is fixed. I'm still the same shitty person that caused the mess in the first place. I don't know how to be anything else unless I were dead. Which doesn't seem like such a bad idea anymore lol

I hate having mental illness....I hate talking about it...but I've made us argue again and this time you look so done...

Truly, moreso right now than ever before, it feels like no one cares about me except for James.
I haven't seen my close friends in months. I get glimpses from pictures on Facebook, Snapchat, fleeting likes on other social media sites.
I haven't spoken to Ashley for an extended period of time in weeks. I think she's finally doing so much better and I'm happy for her.
I miss...I don't even know. Static is in my ears and it's so deafening, but I can't do anything about it. My body won't let me.

Im 24 and in charge of running a million dollar nightclub, of course Im stressed and spinning out you moron.
I don't have time for your games, I have so much responsibility now it's insane.

I miss California so damn much. I mean, I love my boyfriend and I don't want to end the relationship. I see us being together long, long term. But California is my life and literally all my friends are there. My Mom is there. I've been away so long, I'm starting to feel detached...

I just need hella distractions every weekend for awhile and then maybe I'll be okay? Weekends are the worst. And it sucks that dreading them proves how alone I am.

it's gotten worse. but at least we've skipped suicidal and I'm still feeling all the stress of this move.

and to you: I hope you're happy because I fucking hate you right now.

I...don't know what to do with myself today.

It breaks my heart that this is what I feel like we've come to. You're supposed to be my other person and instead, you're the person I avoid. You're the person that I actively go out of my way to avoid sometimes. It seems to be most times anymore. And the problem is that if I tell you this, you're going to go off the deep end because you don't listen to me. You'll jump off the fucking deep end before I even finish talking and I hate it. I hate that I have my own shit to deal with but I have to worry about you, too. I can't believe you actually say that you know me so well when you literally dismiss everything I do or say the moment the subject changes. You created this huge rift between us after that weekend. My parents feel bad for me. Because I spent what was supposed to be a good weekend angry and uncomfortable, and in the privacy of my own home and with someone I could confide in, crying because I wanted the weekend to be over. What does that say?

I feel like I'm stuck in between a rock and a hard place too. That's the worst part. You mean a lot to me, you always have, and lol I have your dog now. And you want to go to that art school a few hours from me. But at this rate, we're not even going to be talking come January. Either because I'm going to lash out when you confront me and start dragging me, or because I'm going to have to call it.

You're making this worse. I can't believe how much I'm lying to everyone and disconnecting. No, I'm not fucking okay.