Confess on My Wayward Son

I have to stay at my Grandma's house on Thursday and Friday and I'm already anxious because I'm so used to my own room and home. But it's worth it to make sure she's okay.

IT'S BEEN ALMOST A MONTH SINCE WE BROKE UP AND YOUR MOM KNOWS BUT HER FACEBOOK BANNER STILL HAS A PICTURE OF ME ON IT. why??
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You make me feel so horrible. You make me feel like the worst person walking.
You make me unsure who I am because now I have to wrestle with these thoughts that I'm objectively a terrible person.
I don't know how to put health before satiety of loneliness though. :c I need help. I need somebody to help me.

First day on the floor at children's: in love.

Can I sleep for a couple of more days? Who knew that building a bed could make you sore and take days?

I'm so sorry, but my mental health isn't good or stable enough to take your burdens too. I love you so much, but I can't take on more weight than what's already on me.

Am I the best for being able to diffuse situations so fast? For knowing what I need to do to make sure you don't get upset and angry?

Hmmm.

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A day I meant to use to relax, to try and hard-reset my brain and take a bit to re-evaluate, to center and find my balance again...and I spend it the same as any of my other days. Watching James play video games, sleeping, and doing errands (this time for James).

I'm so upset. And I'm even more upset that I know why I wasn't able to do any of what I intended to do. Hell, we only did one thing of a long list of shit we need to do for James too. And now I'm home and i know I have other things I need to do...but he's here playing games too, so I've lost all motivation to do it. I don't want to admit that the fact that he's so dependant on me is wearing on me.

I don't know what to do. I guess the next time I play hooky, I'm just not gonna let him know.

If Bruce Wayne isn't your hot leather daddy then don't talk to me.

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Test tomorrow. Here we go, let's do this!

I feel sick. I can't believe this is who I turned into. I can't lose him.

Test went well. Got a flu shot. Passed out. Arm hurts.

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Currently shopping online for a long dress that I can wear to Wicked in November but I also sort of want it to be something with blue accent because, well, Dick Grayson. It's hard enough to find an appropriate length dress let alone one that fits color parameters and isn't over $50.

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This time last summer I got so excited about a crossing train that it actually annoyed my husband, that's how excited these dumb machines make me.

I hate that, even though I kind of knew it would be inevitable, that I'm still sad about it and keep wishing it didn't happen. What's up with that?

I've been avoiding doing this for so long, and now it's due in 2 days and I'm still struggling really hard. This is what I want, where I want to be, but I'm so scared that I'll be turned away and it'll destroy me that I'm having a hard time even doing it. I have options if this doesn't work out, I know I do, but it scares me so much. I feel like I'll never be a nurse, like being on my own and out in the world is too grand and hard to imagine, and up until now it felt like it was far enough away that I'd be okay. That I'd get there eventually. But now I'm in my last year and I'm still terrified and feel like nothing I've learned the past three years have been retained and what am I supposed to do now.

I'm pushing on, and hoping for the best, but god. I'm so terrified.

I have been out of work since the hurricane because my job can't reopen until we get a delivery. Our delivery centre is 3 hours out. We don't get any kind of natural disaster pay or anything. I'm honestly stressing myself about my bills so hard I'm going to be sick.

I just want to go back to work. This is making my downturn of depression twenty times worse.

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Among the rest of the problems this state has since that storm, I am ashamed to admit that I am also upset that I can no longer go to Europe. It seems trivial, sure. And maybe it is. But I was really looking forward to it.

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I hope you are doing better now ... I miss you. I worry and wonder how you are. And perhaps it might make me smile to hear your voice, too.

I hate sneezing. It makes my head hurt a little bit after I sneeze and then my nose feels stuffy for a bit. That's not a pleasant feeling. LOL.

So I guess friends really do come and go, huh? It's tough to accept it, but we had a great friendship while it lasted. I'll always have fond memories of when we would hang out at school. But we're past that now. I hope life treats you well, and you find people who will treat you great. Goodbye.

You're a fucking coward for doing that to my sister and I really hope it comes back to bite you in the ass at the custody hearing.

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Thanks so much for reiterating to me how much of a worthless piece of shit I am. Just when I thought I might actually have a chance at getting the one thing I want more than anything, you show me all over again that I'm not good enough.

Died my blonde a violet color...why didn't I choose Fuchsia.

I'm tired of crying for no reason. I'm tired of being tired.

I'm tired of trying. I don't want to pretend to be happy anymore.

What's the point?

One month ago today, I was on a plane to Cabo San Lucas and honestly, it was the last time I was truly happy, the last time I felt secure and sure of everything. Two weeks after that, everything fell apart and I've no idea what's happening with my life. You can never be too sure, I guess.

It took me a long time to realize it but I've been dissociated for a really long time now. It took an argument to snap me back into place: exactly how did I let it go so far and for so long? Its been near 6 months I've been this way and I didn't even realize it. I haven't been folding laundry, I haven't been cleaning floors, I haven't been loving with my whole being, I haven't been studying correctly, and I haven't been living. I haven't been IN the moment.

I'm simultaneously happy and sad with where I am in life right now. I'm happy because for the first time in my entire fucking life, I feel like I'm finally getting my shit together. with this move and this house, with my boyfriend, with my career and school. and I'm sad because I had to lose so much to get here. things that I never wanted to lose. I want to say that it's better to have lost some than to not have gained at all but a part of me is still upset and not really believing my own bullshit right now.