Confess on My Wayward Son

I'M A MESS
I HAVE AN ESSAY DUE AT 6PM TODAY AND I HAVEN'T WRITTEN A WORD I DKW AJDNAL DOT OD
why am i like this

I'm glad that we're talking again, it makes me feel less sad and alone. But not completely. Despite our differences, I still miss you.

I don't miss you right now, and that breaks my heart so fucking much. I know I need to do it. I know because I need to put myself first finally. I'm not even talking to you right now because I don't want you to keep thinking everything's alright. tbh I'm doing it mostly so you brace yourself for when I do actually bite the bullet. I don't think I'm being selfish by not having done it already because I'm procrastinating for your sake. I want nothing more than to just get it over with and move on with my life, finally start walking forward to what I want my life to be without worrying about you, stop stressing about it constantly. But I do love you. I do care about you. So much. And that's the problem. That's what breaks my heart more than anything. The fact that I tried and tried, but you won't accommodate to me and I have to be the one to hurt us both. Even though I begged you so much for years. You're breaking my heart and you don't even know it because you wouldn't listen.

I hurt so much right now.

Sometimes I think I'll never be good enough for anyone and that's what kills me the most. Shitty part is, I did so much for you and you treated me like shit in return? I'm just done. My heart can't handle it anymore.

I feel like you have a radar. Like you know when I want to reach out and then do it before I even could. I love that.

lol edited

I worked for 13 days straight after two six day weeks and this week is another six days. I'm so tired and over it, especially being in the water so often. I feel like a prune and my toes especially are super wrinkly.

My dream:
-live in San Diego
-have a super sweet job that'll keep me financially stable
-own a dog

Right now:
-does not live in San Diego
-has a decent job
-dogless

My body is failing and no one is here.
No one understands, because it's not your generic cancer, or heart attack or organ failure.
It's a very slow decaying...very slow...everything hurts, and every week there's a new problem.
Treatment and lifestyle change is slowly working, But Im scared.
At least this time there's less blood.

Why am I such a bad student, why do I always have to wait until the last possible moment to finish my homework? I swear, I have never done so bad on an essay before and I'ajbdakldnalda FUCK

I got all excited because you said you were coming back for me...
and now your telling me im a bitch because im in agony so you wont come back.
fine. you can't threaten me anymore.
i know i can survive without you.

I'm about to spend almost $400 on a VIP concert package and you know what? I don't care. It's my money, I earned it, I can spend it how I want. Not to mention all of the bills I'll need to pay with this paycheck will be paid and I'll still have money leftover for food and gas. And it's something I've wanted for a long time and something I've been planning to buy ever since I knew there was going to be a North American tour. Buuuuuuut, at the same time, I still don't want to tell anyone how much it is because I just don't feel like listening to the lectures. Somebody tell me I'm not crazy for doing this?

I don't know if I love you anymore. You piss me off all the time, and I hate so many things that you do, but every time I see you with our daughter my heart flutters the way It did when I first met you.

You broke my heart and led me on. I still haven't moved on from you, part of me will always love you, part of me will always hate you for what you did to me, but I miss you and wish you were mine again.

Aaron, on Ghost Adventures: "WHY ISN'T THIS CROSS PROTECTING ME?!"

Me, an Irish/Italian raised Catholic: "BECAUSE IT'S NOT A CRUCIFIX, GET YOU ONE OF THOSE."

I love/hate what my family has made me.

Apparently, last year today, I started working at my internship. It was also the day we started talking on a regular basis. The 9th would be our 1st.

I just feel, sometimes, like I'm not living my life. I'm just sort of existing. Sitting. Doing what I'm "Supposed" to. Not taking risks, not being reckless, not having fun. Just....existing.

Slightly worried. Even though she's insufferable, she at least knows how to do payroll so that I get the amount I'm supposed to get. Last time Marvin did it, I got shorted $50 on my paycheck.
Also worried because even Karen keeps telling me to apply for this data entry job for Kaiser, I've been checking and don't see any openings for that on their site. So maybe I missed that chance, but I'll still be checking and hoping.
God, there's got to be better than this. At least I have Japan to look forward to.

---

I get really anxious thinking about trying to help James with his credit. I really do want to help (although, I recognize deep down that it's because I'm afraid of the repercussions that might affect me) but I need him to show initiative first.

Because of you, I can never have a trusting, intimate relationship with a man, because I'm scared he'll do what you did. Because of you, I don't think I'll ever be able to have sex without blanking it all out in fear. I just need to talk to someone, but I'm too scared of being judged. All I can do is curl up in a ball and cry. I'm too tired to pretend to be happy.

I feel like my mental illness is going to push everyone away from me eventually and I am going to be alone. Its gotten to the point where I bottle up but it makes worse then it blows up..

Maybe I am meant to be alone..

the fact that you're angry at me for donating blood to Vegas actually really fucks with me. I can't believe that you're actually that coldhearted. I would have done it for Pulse last year if I had been anywhere near for it. and I know that pisses you off too considering all the fights we got into about gun control and how you wouldn't even acknowledge that it was an act of hate on the LGBT community. you want to turn a blind eye to the world, fine. but I'm not about to do the same thing because you have yourself fooled about the condition of this country.