Confess on My Wayward Son

I feel better even though I did find myself thinking a lot about it this morning and lowkey crying at my desk at work, but for the most part, I'm okay. Finally lol. I think throwing myself into writing again is really helping...

it's really fucking sad when you have the urge to defend and justify your own fictional character because you're automatically on the defense about anything regarding bisexuality. because no one ever fucking believes that a bisexual boy isn't "actually gay" and that his past relationship with a girl was actually legitimate and relevant, and not a fucking beard. I'm sick of it but lol that's my whole fucking life.

I'd lie not to be tired all the time. KTHANKX.

I need to do some cleaning and errands but I literally just woke up. Holy shit.

Today's a bad day.

not sure why I'm in a self-deprecating / insecure mood, I'm legit freaking out over nothing and there's nothing legit to be anxious over and yet I still am ???? wtf is wrong with me

STOP FUCKING COPYING ME

Now that I'm officially moving, I finally have something to look forward to.

---

Yesterday wasn't a good day until I got approved for the apartment I want, but I was just feeling so sad and insecure. You were there though, even though you thought I thought it didn't matter, but it really did. It really really did help, even if I am being cynical. I just don't want you to feel like you can't talk to me just because that's how I feel and you may or may not be able to talk me out of it.

I love it when you're there for me.

You don't have to be alone.
Part of me wonders if you remember back then.

Is this a story for a novel? Sometimes I think so. But I think it would have a sad ending. And I don't like to think about that. I like to think that ... one day ... some day ... no ... never mind. Sigh.

god i have missed her so much its unreal. i'm so glad we're all talking again, ahhhhh.

I fear uploading stories and poems inspired by a certain someone in my life, because I have someone among my friend list who still talk to this person and I'm such a none-confrontational person that I am afraid this person will tell the other person and I'm just not feeling it. If that makes sense. God, this stress is giving me a headache.

I just want to be a normal person with a normal relationship but I have such a weird view of sex and intimacy that I don't feel like that's possible.

my mind's been all over the place lately.

We had a real shit dad on the floor yesterday. He slept all day, blatantly ignored every piece of staff that attempted to interact with him, and when we sent the family home mom was crying-- and we don't know why. He told us multiple times that this was "Going to be such a shit show once we get home" and "Do yourselves a favor and never have a baby". He told us that. Us. Nursing students who are in a Labor and Delivery round. We got her separated from him and asked if she felt safe to go home with him. Of course, she made up bullshit excuses for him. But today it's rainy and cold and I just hope that she and her baby are okay, I hope they're having a good day. I really do.

I just have this sinking feeling that things are going to be over before they even started

really? on top of my already shitty day I manage to spill water all over myself. GO FIGURE. I can't win today, at all.

Guess who still hasn’t started studying for their maternal newborn test on Thursday. Oops.

edited lol

There's so much negativity in bad days. And today was such a bad day.

I'm just so fucking over feeling like shit. And now I dragged you into my shitfest and I feel so guilty because you deserve to be okay and be on your own but I'm psycho so of course I did this to you. I'm so sorry. I'm the worst, you deserve so much better than that.

---

edit: this conversation with you makes me realize how truly unfit we were for each other. I can't even talk to you about stuff that is so important to me. That ain't right.