Confess on My Wayward Son

Why does everyone hate me? What did I do to deserve this miserable existence?

I don't know why I complain so much when I actually do have a lot going for me. I graduated, got a job, fell in love, and moving to my own place all within like 6 or 7 months. Idk why I thought my love life dictated my happiness so much. Like yeah of course I'm still sad and heartbroken over it, but I have/had a lot going for me too (don't really know if anything will continue for me after this year lol).

Focus on the bigger picture @me.

EDIT: wait fuck what if this is my peak

I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry that I stopped taking my meds again. I'm sorry that I scared you. I'm sorry that I said that to you. I'm so sorry that you don't sleep because you're scared of what I'll do if you leave me alone. I'm sorry that I take you down with me. I'm sorry I went manic again. I'm so sorry, S. I'm so. fucking sorry. you don't deserve this. you don't fucking deserve this.

[edited lol]

I can't find the icon that I wanted to match this signature to.

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GUESS WHO HAS A JOB INTERVIEW AT A REAL HOSPITAL!?!?!

@ The God of Mischief.
We're hot.

@ the god of thunder.
My heart, it sings.

Even if I still can't find the fucking icon I wanted to use: t'is lost forever and ever to the internet.
the utter hell i went through to retrieve it.
ps. i have fic ideas, they just can't manifest until late next week b/c schooling.

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Wicked nervous about the interview and it isn't even for another 2 weeks. But I try to tell myself that I'm grace under pressure so here's hoping.

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I don't actually hate anyone but I hate this group member. She does no work and then expects us to do 150% to make up for it. That's not how group work works. Plus we're all pretty sure that she cheated on her last test for this class. And honestly it'll catch up with her come time for the NCLEX but if she somehow passes I'll fear for her patients.

It's vindictive of me, but I honest to god hope that the new girl doesn't show up today. It's been an hour since she's supposed to have showed up. I hope she sees the bs this company has to offer and decides to just no show for the rest of the week. Sure, it's partially for selfish reasons (it's my birthday and I don't feel like training anyone today, and y'know, it's not like I don't have any other work to do today...thanks manager), but I also feel like I won't be able to pull back my extensive hatred for this company and would just end up scaring her off that way.

why does it seem like you're drunk 24/7? I'm not doubting you're a hard worker but it almost seem like you're drunk 24/7 and the only time you're not drunk is at night when you go to bed. :/

I wish people would just tell me if they have a problem with me or if I've done something wrong. I'm sick of being treated like I'm invisible or not there, just TALK to me. Be HONEST with me. Because right now I'm really tired and I don't even know what to do.

I think I'm starting to just get used to being talked over, interrupted, ignored... Maybe what I have to say isn't as important as I think? The fact that it happens all the time, like no one really cares about my thoughts or opinions.

And maybe that's okay. Maybe I'm ready to accept that I'm not worth the effort. I guess not everybody is. And the sooner I realize it, the sooner I'll stop being so hurt by it. So, there. I'm not worth what I thought I was, and that's okay with me now. I'll live with it.

Thooorrrrkiii.

uggh my hours are being cut in half again. might need two jobs at the rate we're going, yikes.

Finally fixed up my Thorki tumblr. Now to study!

hung out with someone tonight. basically told them to leave. if im not comfortable with something, then im gonna stand up for myself.

I’m tired of being sad and tired. I’m tired of being unmotivated to do anything because I know I need to. I know it needs to be done, but I’m just so unmotivated and then I have no right to be upset when I’m called lazy. I just wish I could express to people that I feel like I’m giving it my all and I’m sorry. I don’t want to be like this because I’m tired of it, but everything just seems like too much.

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You need to realize and understand that I’m done. I mourned you months ago. I mourned my loss months ago and I buried our relationship that fucking Sunday. And the sooner you realize that the better off you’ll be. Don’t message me and don’t call me because I’m done with you and I have nothing left. You don’t understand how much you broke me. How much you broke my faith and trust in you. You broke my heart. You would have been better off cheating on me, that’s the depth of this. I would have handled being cheated on better than the betrayal of someone that claimed to know and love and respect me. You ruined this, there is no coming back from this, and I’m trying to move the fuck on so let me go. Let me the fuck go. Please. I’m tired of falling backwards because of you. I’m tired of putting you first.

And yeah, I do accept some of the blame for this. I did it how I did for your sake, but I do wonder if maybe I should have been crueler and more straightforward. Maybe I should’ve told you flat out how it was, but even at my worst, I still cared about you more than I cared about myself. I think that might make me a sadomasochist in some way. I inflicted this pain on myself because I really did love you.

I suppose that makes me the stupid one, but I’m not a coward. It was more than you ever did for me.

Been writing some Thorki and I gotta say, this is inspiring a stronger sense of productivity than all the homework in the world.
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Everywhere I go, you continue to be the love of my life.

am i a fuckup? yeah i am. but that doesn't really change how i feel about you. and how i felt about you the entire time. i'm sorry i have to stay away for now. until the pain in my chest goes away.

I'm not mad at the new girl over the fact that I need to find stuff for her to do. I'm mad at the fact that my manager thinks she can just dump new employees on me to help them figure out shit and not fucking tell me, while she sits in the conference room away from everything. And the things I have for her don't even pertain to her--I feel like there should be more training in her department going on? I also get that she's having trouble logging in to some things, but am I supposed to be the one doing the troubleshooting? When she calls help desk and she needs managerial confirmation for what she's trying to do, am I suddenly responsible for her?

I feel so bad. That she's plunging herself headfirst into all this bull, all the wait times and the fact that our IT guy left, it's just wading through an endless amount of nothing. I handled it when I first started because I found ways to distract myself (like right now lol), but she's actually eager to help and learn, so when I don't have anything of use for her, I feel even more bad.

I'd complain but it's not gonna get her email to start working any faster. It's not gonna get the programs she needs to work any sooner. I can't wait for this day to end, because at least tomorrow I won't be in office for a good chunk of it.

@ the god of thunder.
Why do I want to sit and study and learn healing methods? Because I aspire to have the kind of powers that Loki does, just reflected in healthcare.

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Today was my last day at ACH and I could have cried handing in my badge: that place became my home. The patients were my favorite and I grew the most there. I walk into rooms now with so little anxiety that it’s ridiculous and I fully blame ACH for it. And my clinical leader was amazing and awesome and SO inspiring. It was a great experience and I’m going to greatly miss it.