Confess on My Wayward Son

@ the god of mischief.
i am literally blushing with joy at how beautiful and cute that is.

do you have some of our rps saved, by the way? I wanna gush @ them. ;-;

I suppose I hoped it might turn out differently. Things never do go as intended or desired for that matter.

Doesn't make me wanna curse any less about it.

---

I've been doing a lot of thinking, perhaps that's not really so good to do in my case. I just keep thinking and thinking. About what? Everything.

But I'll only tell you ... if you ask. Because asking means you want to know.

@ the god of thunder.
It’s true. Because I’m an actual nub. Ahaha.

They’re on my laptop, I can send them to you in a bit!
I’d also be down for a totally casual RP wherein we change plots at leisure and reply at leisure because school is stressful but active writing where we both try to impress the other can be fun.

---

I need to call my grandmother, that isn’t an option.

I'm going to see Ragnarok again with my boyfriend, and now that I'm ready to not pine over the missed possibilities of the literary & mythological niches I wanted so badly, I'm soooo ready to fall in love with it.
-
I got an 88 on my third neurosci exam.
I sound like a whiny bitch but that's the worst grade I've had in at least two years.
Much of my self-esteem is flanked on my flimsy numerical representations.
I have two semesters left and my gpa is at a 3.89, so I'm basically just terrified to lose it, knowing there's little I can do except try to maintain it. But I needa let go. What is so important about being a number?
-
I got an artist who can do my tattoo. she's super gr8 at detailing and it probably will only be ~$1k. Yes, let me make this body my own.

@ the god of thunder.

Let me promise you something. That GPA isn't you. And I mean it's promise but it's also truth. When I frist transfered into nursing school I had a 3.98 and it's dropped to a lot closer to a 3.0. It was kind of a culture shock to hit that "Low" after a high school career of 4.0s and even two years of college at 3.98. But I have nursing peers who have much closer to the minimum we're allowed to have (2.5) and they're all awesome super caring smart people who have a passion for their patients that surmounts what I've seen anyone else have: they're people who will go above and beyond and make us stay late (because we carpool). And even with those 2.6s and 2.52s they're amazing people who give all of themselves when they're on that floor. Don't let a number define your worth, let your actions and your heart: because by those standards you're fucking amazing no matter if that number is a zero or a four.

---

Wicked was awesome last night but would you care to guess which asshole had their phone go off in the middle of the play? This one. I was super embarrassed. But on the plus side I repeatedly got checked out by a girl who was sat in front of me, she kept stealing glances back and the one time that I "Called her out on it" and made eye contact she blushed like wild. If she wasn't obviously under the age of 18 it would have been pretty cool.

Literally got triggered from a dream yesterday and I'm still reeling from it. At least it happened two weeks after my "breakdown." So can we consider that progress?

MY FAVORITE SHOW FROM CHILDHOOD HAS BEEN REMADE AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW IT BUT THATS OKAY BECAUSE THE ENTIRE THING HAS PREMIERED OVER THE SUMMER AND I CAN BINGE IT OVER MY 3-WEEK COURSE. THIS IS SO EXCITING.

---

We’re considering moving to London when the new Cleveland Clinic opens there, especially if I’m on main’s cardiac floor prior.

I'm working on letting myself just dip back into old, painful memories instead of pressing my back to the door when they're hounding to get in. I either resist them or soak in it, but recently, I've been able to sort of walk through them like they're mist. My mind doesn't put all the negative labels on them, just lets the emotions and events be what they were. And then I can cross out of them again. For once they just are, and I don't have to prove the impact. It feels very powerful. I want an elbow higher than the rest.

@ the god of mischief.
out of curiosity what show is it? I ask because a lot of my favorite shows from my childhood have been remade recently as well.

---

That blog helped me get out a lot of things! It was therapeutic actually. xD

Why is it so hard to let go of what isn't and to accept what is? I guess it is how we, as humans, are designed. It's such a flaw. A fucked up flaw.

I could wish for the day that dawns, that you don't cross my mind anymore. But if it ever happened? I think I'd be sad.

I'm an such an off mood today, I can't focus at all. My chest hurts and I feel vaguely...sick? I dunno. I smoked a cigarette and I'm resisting the whiskey, but I'm probably gonna give in. I'm pissed I barely got any writing done and everything is giving me anxiety at the moment. I literally want to down a couple drinks and go to bed.

I wish I could just be in bed with you for hours right now. :c I'm depressed and I don't want to do anything else.

@ Last Unicorn Hina
The Planets, it's a special that the Science Channel did back in the late 1990s/early 2000s. It's a lovely special if you're interested in astronomy, very well done. I'm an actual nub.

---

who should be in bed? Mmmmeeeeeeeeeeeeee! But I want wine and fanfiction and roleplay.

@ the god of mischief.
Actually that does sound really interesting! I'll definitely see if I can find the time to watch it! Thanks for letting me know!

---

Even though i woke up an hour ago, i'm still sleepy. I wish i could go back to sleep but i have too much to do today.

Why did I agree to minor in French? I hate figuring out theses for the classes.

A gentle reminder that if you don't like something someone writes it's so very simple to turn away. Thank you. :)

So, my brain has slowly rewritten itself into bad patterns without me noticing. The depression is mostly still in check, but my anxiety is in full blown panic mode. I'm wound up so tight the elastic is starting to fray and I don't know what will make me snap, and how close it is. I've spent the last week trying to work out what's got me like this and methods of how to fix it. It's not going well.

I know a couple things. I know that the eight months I spent out of uni looking fruitlessly for work didn't help, the boredom let my mind run wild and started me obsessing over stupid things, a habit I'm still doing which is exhausting me. Everyone keeps dumping their problems on me and only a few allow me to do the same in return, and I'm too fucking broken to say anything. People keep telling me I need to stand up for myself without telling me how; I've been this submissive for 25 years, I don't know how to stand up. Everyone says the things I like are shit - I get that everyone is entitled to their opinion but, surely that means I'm also entitled to mine? Telling me the stuff I like is shit constantly just makes me ashamed of my tastes and makes me not want to talk about anything because what if that opinion is shit too?

The anxiety is making me so neurotic I'm getting flares of anger, and I don't get angry. Like ever. I was always calm, serene, even on my worst days I was still chill. Now I worry so much over everything. I know I'm making mountains out of molehills, I know I'm not acting like me right now, I know I shouldn't worry cos it's making me ill. I know that's why I'm sleeping far too much and eating far too little. I know I'm spiralling and I'm not sure I know how to stop it. I don't want to go back on meds, I don't want to go back to therapy. I did so well and it still came back and I'm just so tired of trying to fight it and waking up in a bad mood anyway.

A positive outlook is only going to get me so far and I'm so sick of people boiling this all down to 'just be positive' and 'just stop worrying'. If it's that simple why hasn't it been working? I feel so fucking dumb that I can't control this cos it's my own head. My health is in the toilet, I'm constantly poorly and my joints are on fire and my eczema is everywhere. I'm not reaching my potential at uni.

tl;dr I'm broken and whining about it.

PSA: Justice League is worth it. even if just for how hot that entire fucking cast is. women through the theater were gushing with steam when Gadot came on, not Affleck.

---

I have zero motivation to go to work today and do anything worth my time. I just want to lay on the floor and study and drink coffee all day. But for as much as I've come to detest this job I'll never want to go in to it again. In part I blame nursing school, exposing me to the amazing things that I can do, and in part I blame my boss and her horrible idea of what a schedule should look like (I work noon to close at 10pm).

I'm gonna force myself to reach 45k this weekend even if it kills me.

---

I'm kinda... feeling bad. There's this part of me that just wants to say everything that's been weighing down on me, but I just can't do it. I want to say it just so I can have that peace of mind, but I'm way too afraid of the consequences. It would ruin my entire life if things went wrong. I'd lose all my will to live and exist.

So, no, I'm not gonna do that to myself yet. I keep thinking, maybe someday, but am I just lying to myself? At this point in my life, I can't envision myself ever speaking of this heavy feeling I have inside of me. I've had too many close calls with this situation, it feels like this would just be the catalyst to the end of my world.

Maybe this will just be something I take with me to the grave, although I'll always hate myself for never speaking up.

There have been too many nights to count where I've just wanted to hold you and try to convince you it will be alright. To curl up around you and breathe nonsense and shield you from life in candle light or lamp light or no light: safe, comfortable. I just want to be your plan B more than I've wanted to be for most. It isn't romantic. It's deathly platonic down to being reminiscent of a sibling or self. It's the most selfish self sacrifice.

But I also don't want to tell this to anyone right now.
Especially you.
I blame Wisconsin.

And honestly, right now I have bigger problems than this feeling of compassionate yearning. Yet I keep drawing back to it. I have for years. And this is all just so ridiculous of me. To be so empathic. And I can't help it, I don't want to help it. I want to drown in it, happily.