Confess on My Wayward Son

And now we flirt all day.

I guess it's time to settle for whoever will have me. There's not really a point in holding out for much more, since I'm not entirely sure it exists.

Yesterday was my first Thanksgiving off in 3 years and I STILL didn't get to watch the parade. I'm trying not to be bummed, but I'm totally bummed....

I've reached that point in my life where going to a wedding makes me feel kinda sad that I feel like I'll never have that kind of love and happiness. It's so fuckin' hard to find.

honestly i don't need anyone but you anymore. i can live the rest of my life content with only you by my side

I just want a day completely alone with nothing to do and I'm not going to get that for a while.

So I guess "mostly" has turned into "completely." Wow. How are you this unaffected by me?

fml never give me money

ugh just ugh. im so over jealous boyfriends being jealous of how close my best friend and I are. Honestly he's going to be the reason why I stop being friends with her. I just don't think I can do it any longer.

I don't care if I sound petty. You shouldn't be allowed to take the lift for anything less than the third floor unless you suffer from a disability. I'm so fed up of walking to the fifth floor and being in agony with my joints for hours because lazy cunts can't be bothered to walk up a flight of stairs. I shouldn't have to choose between pain and being late for class because perfectly fit and healthy people are bone idle.

I can't imagine us anymore. Any time I remember something, like hugging you or lying with on your couch watching TV or going to your work Christmas party and meeting all your coworkers, I keep seeing a faceless woman doing them with you instead. Someone who's better than me, who you won't have issues with like you did me. This is probably why it was so easy for you to just be okay now.

The countdown has just gotten real. I can't wait.

But I'm so nervous about the news of another inspection that month. I won't let anything stop me going. I've had enough of missing chances, memories ...

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Thanksgiving has been a very hollow holiday for me for many reasons. But you made it so much brighter. I think that was probably the first one I didn't feel so alone. Even for just a moment ...

Our gas has been shut off because of an open line that, if left, could leak. Apparently it's been like that for years. The engineer might not be able to fix it until Friday, and weather predictions say it's only going to get colder. I have no heating and no hot water, in 4°C weather. Too many things are going wrong at once and I've already worked out I have a problem with control. I'm trying to work on it but so much is going wrong that it's only making my control issues worse. I'm cold, I'm sick, I'm stressed. I've got deadlines and projects and a home to run, friends and family to keep up with, a cat to look after, illnesses and ailments to manage and deal with. But god forbid I complain. God forbid I want someone for once just to say 'I'm sorry, that sucks, no wonder you're upset' instead of rationalising things for me or giving me advice. I know already, can I not just have a day or two to feel shitty about it, actually feel my feelings instead of trying to fix them as soon as they start?

No wonder my head is getting sicker.

I woke up at 5am to write a manuscript he didn't even collect............

My whole body hurts

I've been finding it a little bit harder to do anything, much less anything on Mibba. Thanks for that, seasonal depression. Hopefully I'll be working by next week, and I can finally push myself to start writing something. I wanted to be working on the story I'll be posting, but I haven't even touched it. I'm a loser lmao.

Besides that, I'm not looking forward to the next holiday. That holiday. I'll only deal with it because it's the first time my nephew can open his gifts and enjoy them. Last year he was only 3 months. So, I'm happy that he'll be happy this year.

And I know my theme is disgusting right now, but I just don't know what to do with it. Again, thanks winter for making me want to die again :)

.

First day of new classes. One of which is with a professor that I absolutely cannot stand. Wish me luck.

And the other shoe finally dropped. I don't know why I bothered to be honest.

Feeling pretty low about myself - this isn't a feeling I've missed. Is this even normal? Should I feel this way? I guess I stopped giving a shit about my own happiness. Or maybe I never gave any in the first place.

I miss you. I just want to hear your voice. I want to know it'll be okay.

Okay, at least my apartment stuff is coming together. Finally got internet and now I can just focus on packing.

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I'm so scared to get happy again because what if you spring something else on me and it brings me back to square 1? I'm so selfish, I know, but I just can't stand the thought of something more happening because it's not fair to me. I didn't get to grieve properly, I'm still stuck behind. And that's so selfish of me because I know you deserve to be happy, but I didn't expect your happiness with me to be replaced this soon.

I'm a horrible person.