Confess on My Wayward Son

I simultaneously love and hate summer. I'm always so lethargic and overheat so often thanks to my anemia, but it's warm and so much better than winter.

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I must say, getting harassed because of my sexual orientation rather than my appearance is quite refreshing Keep it coming, stupid dudes hanging out of cars

Ridiculous. That's all I have to say on that matter.

Finally got that alone time. And it's amazing.

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the sky is so dark with clouds that it may as well be night outside in NE ohio right now. If there were leaves on the trees it'd be beautiful. I suppose it still is. It just feels more sterile.

It's getting worse and that's just that. There's a whole great wall between us and I guess that's defeat. It's actually breaking my heart, hah.

and unrelated but i really wish i could go back to being called cas but i'm basically stuck with what i have because it's how people have known me for 5+ years now.

Honestly I'm not up for starting work but I gotta be an adult eventually.

Also I got the stomach flu which explains why I've felt like shit the past couple of days thanks contagious baby nephew. I just want to sit here and die. I've been watching the past streams of a girl who I'm actually super infatuated with. But it's a tad embarrassing.

And I know I'm a grown ass adult with Fall Out Boy lyrics in my signature. It's just until January.

I keep waking up before my alarm goes off. Even today, when I had to wake up and go to work an hour earlier than usual, I still managed to wake up too early. My heart is also perpetually racing. And I'm still really sad. And I'm moving today. So...

I had an idea for a friendship based story that's been in the works for a while now (like since feb lol) but I put off writing it for a long time because there are some connections from irl that stopped me. But now that those friendships have stopped I feel like I can make the effort to write it again but also no because it's going to force me to look at my own actions

But I guess the sooner I do that, the sooner I can understand where it is where I / we went wrong and how to become better despite what's happened

The thing is, I thought this would hurt me much more than it has and I have to admit, if it wasn't for the reconnection of an old friend at reunion I'd probably be a little less all there but I'm grateful that she's back in my life - she seems to have really learned from her past mistakes and even though she's not there yet, she's become so much more aware!! And it's really fkn nice

I guess my point is in all of this is that throughout the whole year when I thought about not being friends with S or E, I thought that I would be lonely. Sure, in a sense I'm ~ alone ~, but I'm not lonely. I have a few friends and tbh, it's not like we talked often or hung out on the weekends enough to be considered proper friends. I admitted x amount of times that we were friends out of habit and damn how shitty is that. Ditching the emotional baggage has really helped me to refocus on what's important in my life and where I need to go in order to do what I want and I'm just really excited for what's to come.

But I wish I'd let go of them earlier so I could have saved myself months of unnecessary emotion.

Interview today. Going to throw up.

Lol this is already the worst fucking week ever.

I feel like I keep making stupid self destructive mistakes and I can't get my shit together. My anxiety is the worst it has been in nearly 2 years and that's bad, it's really bad. I'm considering going back on pills but I don't want to. I've been a mess of anxiety this past week and maybe that's that why I'm doing stupid impulsive shit.
I'm sick of this place. I'm sick of people. Tired of our families constantly nagging and insinuating themselves in our lives. We're adults we don't need to be best friends with our parents. I'm also sick of hearing about how shitty of a person his dad is; we fucking get it. Deal with it on your own like an adult. Stop running to your son to fix everything for you. It's pathetic.

I really dispise my current boss.

It kills me that both of my siblings are starting to suffer from mental illness too. Knowing we all got hit by these demons, knowing my dad has always had a melancholy about him and suffered severe anxiety around my age and my mum got bit by depression too. Both me and my boyfriend suffer depression and seeing how its affected my entire family gives me this overwhelming sadness because my future kids might have to live with this too. Knowing what I put my family through, spinning out and cutting myself and wanting to die, I don't know how I'd handle it finding out my kid feels the same way I always felt. I can't predict how I'd cope if my kid was the one that followed through on it. I almost don't want to have kids because the risk seems so high. Is it selfish to bring a kid into this world knowing he or she could be doomed to depression?

I'm a horrible person.

must feel like a real man if you have to call a girl a cunt.

Do you ever wonder? I think about it a lot. I think that one day I may tell you, but the truth is, I don't think I've got the guts to bring it up. I'd wait for you to ask me. But I don't think you'd ever ask.

Oh just fuck off.

edited lol bc I don't want to remember feeling like this later

It was more anger than anything, why I almost broke down. But now that I'm home, away from all that, I just want to cry. I'm so tired. I'm worn out. I feel like giving up.

i don't know how to feel right now.
i don't know any justifications for feeling the way i do right now.
i don't know.
i really don't know.
i hate myself and want to die, and even though everything's falling apart around me, i've never felt more at peace.
i prayed the other day, the first time i had in a long time. it wasn't the typical prayers but just random things that i should pray for, and since then, i've felt so calm. my mind's a whirlwind right now but at the same time, it's so quiet. it's back and forth but i can easily put the smoke out. it's not spiraling out of control, but then, it is, but then it's not. i'm not sure what's going on, and i can't find any rhyme or reason for it, but at the same time, i'm not quite sure i care either.
i should though. i should care, but i can't. i'm not sure i ever did, to be honest.

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why does everything always revolve around sex, love, and finding that someone that completes you? why can't we find the fucking mysteries of the universe? why can't we busy ourselves with finding a way to save our dying planet? why can't we find something better to busy our time with other than this pointless shit

Honestly, it kind of feels like my entire life has consisted of me trying to surpress this, but it's just kind of weird for me to even think about. It feels like it doesn't fit in anywhere in my life. It's a disconnect from what I've built up for myself. It would be much easier if things were different but they're not, and I can't really ignore it anymore. But am I gonna do anything about it? Fuck no. I'm not gonna ignore it, but I'm not really gonna acknowledge it, either.

It's just gonna be something that is, and that's that. And I think I can live with that, for now.