Confess on My Wayward Son

double post, sorry but I don't think you realize how much it bothers me when you say things like that. one minute you care, the next you're talking about how we aren't exclusive and if you want to fuck someone else, you will. I dont know anymore. I don't know how much longer I can take this before I cut you out.

I really want to write you a letter, to tell you what a horrible person you are, but I'm the least confrontational person and you won't even understand what you're silence has done to me.

Why are the only people I can truly vibe with and be friends with live far far away or is famous? -_-
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Can i please marry Bryan Sammis tho.

people say the weidest things sometimes. lol

I've got to stop reading the news. Being informed is good and all, it's nice knowing what's going on in the world and keeping up with the political climate and stuff, but goddamn is it miserable. I know happiness doesn't sell newspapers but seeing a positive news story once in a while might help the world seem like a much nicer place. The world is so hostile.

Found out recently that my household is classed as being in relative poverty. Tbh I already figured that out.

Can’t wait to get back into the Mibba community soon... I’ve missed this place.

Going to go to the shelter today to look at some dogs. Might as well get started on trying to find one

Dissolving into nothing.

Jeez. Try to hang out with a guy and always end up meeting their friends who turn out to be jealous and end up ruining a fun night. Wouldn't have minded spending the night but not dealing with drama. no thank you

Stop texting me, mother. The reason I don't come home to visit every week, that I never return your "miss yous", that I don't call you is that I'm so damn happy to be out from under your thumb.

You rarely cross my mind unprovoked.

If I have to phrase “Compassion is the core of the art of nursing” in one more manner I’m going to explode. you’re my favorite patient and i wish i could offer more to you. I just want to hug you so bad that it’s unreal.

Probably missed that call from the doctors that I've been waiting all day for because my typical luck is usually that they call while I'm on the phone. It's cool, I've only been in relative agony for weeks and all I need is a referral to a rheumatologist. I lost the weight, I've been their pin cushion, I've followed their protocols to a T. And I'm still no further forward. No one is taking me seriously. No one believes that a 25 year old can be aching like this. No one gets that getting out of bed is the hardest thing I do every day because my joints have set in my sleep and moving is a painful chore for the first few hours. It's freezing out and I'm loaded with cold, the two things that have always made it worse, and no one cares.

The worst part of it is the stress. I'm stressed out cos I don't know what's causing this or where I stand treatment wise, and it's making my eczema flourish and my depression worse, which makes the aching worse so now I can't differentiate between depression pains or pain from whatever this is. I'm so weighed down all the time, there's always something wrong with me and it's exhausting. I'm so tired all the time. I just want something, anything to go right. I want just a day where I have nothing to be sad about or complain about. I'm upset because I feel like I'm annoying people cos they want to know about my life but there's little to no good news to share.

And then there's money as well which doesn't even bear thinking about. Being poor is so exhausting. I'm sick of wondering whether I can afford to buy us food this week. We shouldn't have to choose between warmth and nourishment. We shouldn't be having to borrow or rely on other people to help us get by. We both get so little between us and there's nothing we can do because no one will hire yet another student, and he's on an apprenticeship so the tax breaks don't count for him. We have to give everything up just to survive because we can't afford to properly live .

I just really hate my life. There's one thing keeping me going and that's him and I hate the thought of my happiness being tied up in a single soul, but it's all I've got. And I know there are so many people so much worse off and I feel guilty complaining but it's hard. It is so hard. And I don't even know how long I can take this before I properly break again. I can't afford meds. I can't afford therapy. But that's the way it's heading and there's no handbreak available.

I'm just so tired.

edited lol

I woke up early this morning and had a hard time falling back to sleep. When I finally did, I had a dream about you. We just talked. And then I woke up. You must have been on my mind somewhere in the insomnia.

Honestly, I'm terrified.

It’s super awesome that your brother is a Marine and that you support him and love him and etc but I’m SO TIRED of hearing about it.

*ranting about things that I feel like should have been over by now???*

my close friends basically all graduated the prior year, and it's sucked ass. #1: my roommate is amazing and I love her, so I'm really grateful for that, but #2: my friend who stayed behind another year with me has always been amazing, and the two of us were in the center of our friend group before but now... she's gravitated to all these people who I have no issue being friendly with but I.don't.like. They are superficial and exclusionary. They treat me like I don't exist and it makes me feel s-h-i-t-t-y. She and I were so close but the people around her are bringing out the worst in her and I have lost my connection. She's so patronizing to me now, as though I should be pitied for not having any closeness with anyone. I had such amazing friendships and experiences and now that I'm around these toxic people who are treating me like crap, I feel like a complete invalid and misfit. I fucking hate high school hive minds. I have majorly outgrown this place and I wanna go.

I feel like I'm being dramatic by being as shaken up over it as I am because yeah, the car is fucked up now but there's no injuries or anything, but my head really hurts and my anxiety has made me think of every possible way it could have gone if [this] had happened or [that] had happened instead and I wish it wouldn't. It makes me feel dramatic so I don't want to talk to anyone about it. I'm such a baby.

I survived a week. This is good, go me.

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edit: um, why the heck do I have a crush on my coworker??????????????????????????

can't wait for this month to be over. i'm ready for the new year. going to be cutting out a lot of people, that's for sure.