Confess on My Wayward Son

so excited to get home and cook.

If you don’t like A Scandal in Belgravia then I don’t like you.
tiny because kind of inappropriate: i want to simultaneously be Irene Adler and be beat by her, Christ.

Truthfully, I'm sort of happy that the trip doesn't look likely. It isn't that I don't want to see my dad for Christmas. It's just ... I don't want him to call me fat. He hasn't seen me for over eight years now and I know what he'll say when he sees me, regardless if whether he intends harm by saying it, he will. I can't afford to relapse.

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I do however want to go on my next great adventure. I can't wait to see you ...

It's nearly 4 years later and I'm sitting here smoking a cigarette, still thinking about the color of your hair.

I don't know what to do with him. I have so much anxiety lately, and he's partly the problem, our relationship gives me so much anxiety and I don't even fucking know why. I don't want go see your family tomorrow, I don't want to pretend I'm happily engaged when in reality I'm fucking anxious and depressed and I can't even figure out why.

After all these months, I'm still sad.

I just can't with this or anything for that matter.

I'd rather roll around naked outside in the snow than go to work today. Edit: I at least had a really good morning before I had to go in.

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Also, the Last Jedi ruined me. REYLO.

I cannot wait for the holidays to be over.

I'm tired of feeling this way.

If I had the courage, I'd tell you. I'd ask you. I'd want us to be together.

If I had the courage.

Truthfully, I just want whatever makes you happy but that selfish part of me wants it to be me. Maybe that part of me is so selfish because you make me happy. And I'm afraid that one day that happiness will go away.

But I haven't got a chance. And everything they said to me back then was true. Who would want me anyway?

Gunnah do it, Gunnah buy us sparring swords for Christmas.

I'm conflicting feelings and thoughts about you three living under this roof. I really am. I'm happy you're here, kind of, but I'm not happy that even so you put your husband and the son you had with him above me. But then again, it's all his fault, isn't it? Even though you're the one who is home all day long to raise that boy. LOL. I wonder how it feels to have a loud alcholic husband that puts you down and puts your... his son's needs above you? Yeah, you're also causing your own health problems and he's causing his. You say you've regretted a lot of shit, but I wonder if one of them is getting married to him?

Read random Wikipedia articles about people who've mysteriously disappeared and it gave me inspiration to outline Wonderland

I forgot to call my grandmother this morning before her surgery and o feel like absolute shit for it.

I don't want you in my house, mother. You'll just judge the crap out of us and leave. Stay away from me.

I should've been in bed. But I can't sleep. I can't sleep because anxiety is giving me hell.

I'm crossing my fingers. Please ... please ...

My health is going downhill. My anxiety has gotten worse. I'm not eating as much (or as happily) as I want to. Everything seems so ugh. I'm honestly sad.

I can't stop overthinking and dwelling. I keep having to repeat things to myself so they stick in my mind because I'm sure the shit I'm overthinking about isn't true, but what if it is? I don't know that they're not.

I hate this. I'm so glad I'm going home for a week and being around family, babies, and puppies. Maybe it'll put things into perspective and stop me from torturing myself over things I don't know about.

Or maybe I need to see a professional.

I'm trying to feel comfortable in my own skin and not delete every single photo I take. I took a few earlier that I kinda wanna show you ... but I never imagined ten years later I'd still be battling the mental part of the eating disorder. It's hard not to feel so ugly and lumpy because that's what I see ...

When you compliment me though, I actually do believe it. It makes me happy.

deleting all my socials (except IG lmao) was much needed.