Confess on My Wayward Son

I'm not so sure I want to pursue this anymore. I know many sacrifices have been made for this. AND I have the opportunity to pursue it. I'm lucky, I know. But the road is so long and exhausting. And sometimes I can't help but feel so incompetent. I know at the end of the road they say medicine is extremely rewarding... but I don't know. There's so much pressure that just doesn't stop and I just have to continue...

BIG EXHALE b/c today actually went GOOD.
I thought that I wasn't going to have any teeth by the end of this job because I've been anxiety-grinding them so much, but today went great. The costumes changes had a groove, I got to really get to know some of the people I'm working with, and I felt technically competent. x3 I am very happy about this.
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On the topic of teeth, my poor fucking dog had 21 taken out today and I've been by his side all day (aside from work).
He's crying and so I'm crying too of course, but he's bouncing back so fast and it makes me extremely happy.
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Tomorrow I get to go to therapy, then maybe I'll try to formulate another cover letter and send off my second application!
I'll take either department, I just want to work in this location so bad. ✞ ✞ ✞

I inadvertently started relating Kimoi to my favourite song on M A N I A and I absolutely hate myself for it.
Why do I continue to hurt myself by doing shit like this? Why can't I just let go?

My head is stripped, just like a screw that's been tightened too many times, when I think of you.

these dogs howling early in the morning is starting to get really annoying >.>

It's not the sound of the new music that upsets me, it's Matty's hair.

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Last night was such a bad shift that all of us literally stood around and sat on the floor and laughed about it for the last 15 minutes of it: RNs and NAIIs. It was oddly beautiful in a dark hospital hallway.

the god of mischief.:

It's not the sound of the new music that upsets me, it's Matty's hair.

FEELS

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I keep getting all these crazy rushes of anxiety and excitement. On my first day of orientation, getting my ID that says "Registered Nurse", getting included in my first education opportunity email. They're so small but they all remind me of how far I've come and how far I have yet to go. I still almost can't believe it.

Welp, just finished Season 12 of Supernatural. I guess all that's left to do, while I wait for Season 13, is write, plan, and write some more!

Chances are looking more and more slim and I feel absolutely gutted. I just wanted a reason, something to make me feel alive again.

I feel like taking energy pills is the only way I can effectively get anything done anymore.
best to keep an eye on consumption, lest we end up in an episode of saved by the bell...

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in other news, I started to deep clean our house last night, and felt so much more energized
by my surroundings. it feels like a break at a clean start, a spring refresh. cleaned up the walls,
moved some plants around to brighten up darker spaces.

continue this in other rooms, keep the energy going. I need to feel motivated and alive again.

I need to stay away from my bed and my repressive thoughts.

Been such a busy day. Can’t wait for the long, night drive down to Durham.

Yeah. I'd fuck him.

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I....dont know if that should have put this up in the TMI thread.

I want to cuddle someone so bad.

I have a crush on a dude at my gym. Except I realized I didn’t really look at him all the way without my glasses on so when we finally made eye contact, he looked way older than I thought and not sure if he’s attractive...which sounds a little rude but idk, I still can’t get him off my mind though. And I’m still a pussy trying to make conversation :/

I need to start seeing someone, somehow. I haven't a clue how to go about that right now but I need to get my finger out and find out. Like I said to my boy, I don't know what's mental illness and what's personality anymore. I vaguely remember I've always been pretty Hermione about everything, I'm naturally a bit maudlin and a bit nervous. But it was never this bad.

I'm scared of everything, my chest and stomach always feel knotted at the thought of any change or progress or effort. I daren't speak up and tell the people I love to stop hurting me, to stop talking over me when I'm mid sentence or glazing over or being overly nasty when I've done something wrong. I'm too worried about upsetting people to ask them to stop dumping their problems on me, especially when I can't do the same to them. I feel so undervalued and I can't decide whether that's a real feeling or just me misinterpreting my own self pity. I punish myself at the first whiff of failure, which I miscategorise as not meeting my own impossibly high standards. I'm twisted in a knot so tightly that I can't move forward into better, but I won't move backward into worse.

Despite the circumstances in which it occurred - which still plays on my mind and is a constant source of self-blame and anxiety - I currently don't have any proper negative force impacting my life right now. And yet I'm still emulating that negativity. Things aren't that bad, really, and yet here I am wishing it would just end.

Quitting smoking doesn't help. What I wouldn't give for a cigarette right now because the vape pen is absolutely not cutting it.

@ the god of mischief.
I can think of two candidates who this is about.
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Jeff Goldblum sets off my anxiety but also makes my heart thump very loudly.

The campsite is too beautiful.

No matter how hard I try to convince myself, I'm still upset about this and I know I have no reason to be. No matter how many excuses I come with.

So far, trying to come off as a ~cool girl~ is not working out considering I'm a very easily stressed out person.

I'm. Fine.

Neat. Stoked. Can't wait.

I've never been this bad. Some days I just wanna curl up in a ball, throw my quilt over my head and cry for hours, and then other times I'm so high on life that I finally feel like all of the pushing through has been worth it. Some days, I look in the mirror and just wanna change every single thing about myself because I'm disgusting and other days I'm okay with how I look and actually feel okay. I'm going between thinking my work colleagues like me and despise me, and I haven't seen any of my out-of-work friends in months now. I'm terrified of saying the wrong thing and instead of telling people this, I've just been ignoring everything because realistically, half of the time I don't think I'm even worth the time. I don't want to burden anybody by telling them how I feel, but I also think I'll explode if I don't do something soon.

I know this is all just in my head and probably all chemical, but I can't help but think I've done something wrong to feel like this constantly. At least it's calmed down for now. I'm just scared it'll happen again.