Hard to Figure Out

"But Payton, I don't wanna," Matt whined playfully. He really didn't want to eat any of this, but he had a feeling that he was going to anyway, whether it was because he caved because he was starving or because his mother tricked him into eating it. Matt was a bit disappointed when Payton said that she needed to leave, but he supposed she would rather get home to her husband than spend time with him helping him pick out the items on his grocery list. "Alright, I guess I'll let you leave," Matt teased, although it was only half-hearted. "But I would love to come over for lunch again. You're a good cook and well, it's really the only time I"ll probably leave the house. Thanks for your help with my grocery list, by the way. I would've been here for hours trying to find all this shit."

Matt pushed his cart around Payton, heading for the area of the grocery store where the non-food items were kept, intent on finishing up the rest of his grocery and going home, maybe to nurse a beer or two or twelve. As he was trying to find the type of toilet paper his mother wanted, he heard fervent whispering nearby, and when he turned in the direction of the voices, he saw a woman glaring at him before she hurried her young daughter away. Matt sighed. He'd been out of prison long enough that by now, everyone in town knew. They knew he was free, well, on parole, and they all knew what he'd done. Or what they thought he'd done. And so without even trying, Matt had a bubble around himself, one that warped him into a murderer and pushed everyone away. Everyone but Payton.

After this, Matt hurried to finish with his grocery shopping, making a pit stop at the liquor store before he headed home. He put away the groceries and left the change on the island for his mother before grabbing his alcohol and going upstairs to the guest room. The vodka burned as it went down his throat, but the knowledge that he would soon forget his troubles urged Matt to ignore the taste and press on. Maybe if he drank enough he wouldn't ever have to deal with a look like he'd gotten from that woman ever again.

It was a stupid idea to go ahead and call Matt at his parents house only five minutes after Ryan left for work and yet, Payton still found herself doing it. She had missed him for so long that it just felt wrong denying herself the simple pleasure of Matt's company again. It wasn't as if they had kissed and they never would. The ring around her finger kept Payton grounded enough that she knew better and she knew Matt. He was respectful where it mattered and her marriage, as rough as it was, was something that mattered. There was no way to deny that fact. She had invited him over for lunch, with promises of making one of his favourite dishes from when they were younger. Mac and cheese with hot dogs. It was simple and she wasn't sure he would still enjoy it the way that he once had but she hoped he would. It was simple enough that she didn't even think that Ryan would ever notice the missing KD or hot dogs.

Payton busied herself with starting lunch a bit early just so that she knew she would have plenty of time to clean up their lunch. She finished it off and decided to bake it in the oven so that it would have a nice crust. Yawning, Payton had just finished pouring a glass of water for herself when the doorbell rang.

A bit too eagerly, Payton rushed to answer the door. Her face broke into a grin as she opened the door, stepping to the side so that Matt could come inside. She cleared her throat as she straightened up, tilting her head to the side. "I made mac and cheese with hot dogs. I know it's nothing special," Payton paused, shrugging her shoulders. "I hope that's okay with you."

Matt was a little surprised when Payton called to invite him over for lunch, especially with how eager she'd seemed to get away from him at the grocery store. But he wasn't going to pass up an opportunity to get out of his parents' house, especially when it involved food. Matt pulled into Payton's driveway, killing his ignition and pocketing his keys as he went up to the door and knocked. He immediately noticed the smile on Payton's face as she answered the door and it made him feel special, since it wasn't often that anyone smiled at Matt anymore. "Mac and cheese with hot dogs?" Matt repeated, chuckling as he stepped into the house. "I haven't had that since I was like sixteen. But it doesn't matter, because anything is better than the health crap my mom has been cooking. I tried it Payton, I really tried to like it, but even my mom couldn't make that stuff appetizing."

Matt went into the kitchen, taking a deep breath and smiling. It smelled like his childhood in this kitchen, and he was reminded of the countless times when he and Tyler would come inside from playing some stupidly dangerous game and his mom would cook this meal for them. Matt sighed as he sat down at Payton's kitchen table. He wished he could remember exactly what had happened that night, because it ate at him so badly to think that he'd done something so terrible to his best friend. All he wanted to know was exactly what had happened that night, but the memory seemed blocked, and Matt couldn't help but wonder if that was for a good reason.

Payton's face fell at Matt's initial reaction. She hung her head, biting down on the inside of her lip. She had known that it wasn't the best meal out there but she knew it would go undetected a lot easier than anything else that she happened to toss together. She thought that the fish would go without notice for a long enough time that maybe, if she was lucky, she could say she tossed it because it had gotten freezer burnt. Clearing her throat, Payton looked back up to Matt with an apologetic smile. "I know it's not much but..." she trailed off with a shrug of her shoulders. Payton followed after Matt, rubbing her arm as she stepped into the kitchen. She scooped some of the mac and cheese into two bowls, offering a small smile as she handed the one to Matt. "I hope it's better than the stuff your mom is cooking for you at least," Payton teased, her face scrunching at the thought.

Payton picked at her food for the most part, finding that she really wasn't all that hungry. She was used to not eating all that much so the fact that she had eaten so much over the past few days was more or less foreign to her. Clearing her throat, Payton looked up to Matt with a shy smile. She tucked a stray strand of hair behind her ear as she tilted her head to the side. "I'm happy that you're out, Matt," Payton whispered after a moment. "I... I always would think about you," Payton admitted quietly. It was probably not the right admission to make but she had never been very good at keeping things from Matt. Even in their younger years.

"It's perfect, Payton," Matt said, feeling bad when he realized he might have hurt Payton's feelings with his first comment. "It brings back a lot of good memories." He took the bowl from her, laughing at her comment about his mother. "Yeah, I'm sure it is. She made these weird kale things wrapped in tofu wonton wrappers and it was just...odd. It made my stomach hurt for like two days. Never again." He got a glass of water before he sat at the table, scooping a bite of the mac and cheese into his mouth. It was creamy and cheesy and the best thing Matt had tasted in days because of the way his mother was cooking now. And tasting it brought even more memories, and it made Matt a little sad.

Matt was pretty concentrated on his food, as most men were, and he looked up at Payton with a mouthful of food when she spoke again. Hearing her say that she was glad he was out made Matt happy, because no one else besides his parents seemed to feel that way. Tyler's parents certainly didn't. But her next words brought Matt crashing back down to earth. She thought about him while he was locked away? Of course he'd thought about her quite often; she was one of the few people he knew would never turn away from him, no matter what. But to think that Payton had thought about him while she was with Ryan, even after they'd gotten married...it made Matt strangely happy. "You thought about me?" Matt asked, setting his fork down. "I mean, I always hoped you would, because it fucking hurt to think that you might forget me. I just didn't think you'd think about me while you were moving on with your life, especially with Ryan."

Payton took a small bite of the mac and cheese, focusing on chewing more times than was really necessary. She had learned that the longer that she took to eat, she would feel fuller. Or at least, she felt like she did. Clearing her throat, Payton looked up and couldn't help but blush as she nodded her head. "Yeah. I just... I guess it's hard to forget someone that shows you everything that's right in the world," she explained quietly. Her gaze dropped, her heart leaping to her throat the moment that she finished speaking. To her, she had just told Matt everything that was wrong in her marriage. He would be able to see what she was hiding and when he did, things were going to blow up. Swallowing around the lump in her throat, Payton looked up slowly.

"I run into your parents from time to time when I go grocery shopping, they always took the time to ask me how I was doing," she said, hoping to ease the topic away from what they had just been talking about. "It's been awhile since I've seen them though. How are they both doing? Good, I hope!"

Matt's eyes widened slightly at Payton's response. The way she'd phrased it made it seem like Ryan didn't make her happy, that her marriage didn't make her happy. And even though Matt knew he shouldn't feel that way, it made him happy to know that Payton wasn't happy with her marriage and her life with Ryan, and it gave him a strange hope that maybe Matt could weasel his way back into the place he'd held in Payton's life before he went to prison. He knew immediately when Payton brought up his parents that it was her way of changing the topic, but Matt wasn't about to let this slip away so easily. "Yeah, they're both doing fine," he said, deciding to answer Payton's question. "You know you can drop by anytime you want, my parents love you." This was true; Matt's parents had always liked Payton, thought she might be able to keep Matt out of trouble. Boy, had they been wrong.

"What exactly did you mean by it's hard to forget forget someone who shows you everything that's right in the world?" Matt asked, steering the conversation back to that topic. He wanted to know exactly what Payton meant by that. Of course he knew he shouldn't be curious about it. Payton was a married woman and Matt needed to respect that, but he would be a damn liar if he said he didn't still have feelings for Payton, even if they weren't anything compared to what they were years ago. "I know you probably didn't mean to let it slip out but you did and now I want to know. What was that supposed to mean? Does Ryan not make you see all of those things?"

"That's good to hear. And I know, I guess married life is just a bit busier than I would like sometimes." Payton shrugged, trying to play off Matt's offer because she knew there was no way that she could get away with visiting his parents. It would get back to Ryan one way or another. Payton's relief at being able to change the subject was short lived. Her heart skipped a beat at Matt's quick reversal, his eyes jumping to meet his gaze. She wanted to ignore it completely but she couldn't. She had been raised to be polite, to be caring. She couldn't just ignore Matt, that went against everything she had ever known. Not to mention that she cared for Matt a great deal, likely more than she probably should at this point.

Payton set down her fork the moment that the question fell from Matt's lips. Her heart skipped a beat and it took a few beats before she found the courage to speak. "I guess I just mean it's hard to forget about the person you first said I love you to," she answered, hoping that it would be enough to quell Matt's curiosity. "Because that's a big step, right? I mean, remember how long it took for me to say it back? I was so nervous!" Payton exclaimed, a blush coming to her cheeks at the memory. "Kept pulling all the corny moves that you could think of."

Matt knew Payton well enough to know that she was trying to steer him away from the subject. He could tell she was uncomfortable talking about it, but Matt just couldn't let it drop. He was too curious. "Yeah, I remember thinking I'd completely fucked things up," he said. "But then you finally said it back and I felt like the happiest corny idiot in the world." Matt smiled at the memory for a short second before something resembling a frown graced his lips again. "But I know that's not what you meant by that. Come on, Payton. I know you better than anyone. So why are you lying to me? Just tell me the truth."

Matt got to his feet, walking over near the stove as he started to pace. "Are you...does Ryan make you happy?" Matt asked, the question falling from his lips before he could think to stop it. It was such an invasion of her privacy to ask her that, but Matt's thoughts were running wild. Now all he could think about was how things had been before he'd gone to prison, how in love he and Payton had been and how Matt had invisioned their future. He rubbed his hands over his face as he turned back to face Payton. He didn't know what to say at this point so he just sort of stared at her, waiting for her answer.

Payton's heart sank as Matt continued to pry, trying to figure out what she had meant. She really didn't want this conversation to continue but it seemed like Matt had no intention on letting it go any time soon. She closed her eyes, taking a deep breathe. She wished that he would because it wasn't very hard for her to figure out that this wasn't going to end well. Payton knew it was likely a good idea to push Matt away but the thought killed her, she couldn't. She couldn't do that to him. Not with everything that he was going through.

"It's not... it's not that easy," Payton answered after a moment. That was about as simple as she could explain the situation, without going into detail. Without telling Matt what went on behind closed doors. Very few people knew and it was best kept that way - the more people who learned it, would only create more problems. Looking away from Matt, Payton ran a hand through her hair. "As much as I wanted it to be simple, my life wasn't simple the day everything happened because I lost you. I can't pretend like that doesn't still affect me, Matt. Maybe I should be able to but I just... I can't." Payton both felt and sounded defeated as her shoulders sagged. "I'm married. My husband should be the only one I think about, right?"

Matt could tell he was making Payton upset, and despite the fact that she still seemed to be hiding something, Matt decided to let things drop. It wasn't his business to be snooping through Payton and Ryan's marriage. But Payton's last few comments caught Matt's attention, and there was no way he could let that drop. "But why does it still effect you, Payton?" he asked. "Why, after all of these years, did you still think about me? If it's not because Ryan doesn't make you happy, then there's got to be another reason." Matt went over to Payton, pulling her up onto her feet. He couldn't quite place the look in her eyes, but they sparkled the way Matt had always remembered, and he just couldn't help himself as he leaned in to kiss her.

It was a soft kiss, a short one, but the instant their lips made contact, Matt was struck by a dozen different memories, all at once like an avalanche. He remembered the first time he'd kissed Payton, how it had overwhelmed his stomach with butterflies. He remembered the first time they'd tried french kissing and the awkward way they'd both tried to shove their tongues down each other's throats. And he remembered the first time he'd kissed Payton somewhere other than her lips, and how she'd shivered and squirmed underneath him. And then Matt suddenly remembered that Payton was a married woman now and that she wasn't his to kiss anymore and he sprung away from her like he'd been shocked. "I-I'm sorry," he mumbled. "I think I'm just going to go now. Lunch...Lunch was great, thanks. I'll see you later then, bye."

(gonna go ahead and skip to the next day, hope that's cool !)

Payton hadn't been able to get her thoughts straightened out since Matt had left the previous day. Ryan had gotten home just in time to remind her that she did, indeed have supper cooking and she shouldn't dare risk burning it. She couldn't remember the last time she had made such a foolish mistake and she was glad because it never turned out well. Flinching as the front door was slammed shut, her gaze raised long enough to look over at the vase that was shattered on the floor. Flowers and dirt thrown everywhere. Payton's hands were balled into fists, the nails digging into the skin on the palm of her hands as she tried to bring herself back down to reality. Her cheek and eye hurt from Ryan lashing out when he woke up late.

Hanging her head, Payton dropped onto the couch and pulled her knees to her chest. She buried her face into her knees, trying to focus on her breathing. She needed to calm down so that she could clean up. Now that the vase had been broken, Payton needed to clean and make sure not a speck of dirt was left behind. Slowly, Payton began to calm down, though her eyes were still red and her cheeks puffy. Tears still fell but she was breathing easier now, she wasn't struggling to pull oxygen in. Payton pushed to her feet, deciding that she should get started on the chores of the day. With the way the day had started, Payton didn't want a single thing to worsen Ryan's mood when he finally got home later that night.

Matt didn't feel right just leaving things the way they were. He shouldn't have kissed Payton and he knew it, but he hadn't been able to help himself. But now he felt like he needed to apologize, so after he was sure that Ryan had left for work he headed back to Payton's house. Matt sat in his car for about five minutes, unsure about his decision, but in the end he pocketed his keys and went to the front door, giving several short knocks. It took a bit longer than he would've thought for Payton to answer the door, but he just assumed that she knew it was him and didn't want to answer the door for him. "Hey," Matt said when the door was finally opened. "I just wanted to come over and apologize for yesterday. I shouldn't have--"

Matt stopped mid-sentence when he noticed something on the floor behind Payton. There was dirt all over the floor in the foyer, and what looked like pieces of broken glass. He glanced up at Payton. "Did you break something?" he asked. He did a double take when he noticed her face, how her cheek and eye seemed a bit swollen. "And what happened to your face?" Matt would never say out loud what he was thinking, that Ryan lost his temper and struck Payton. Because he had no way of knowing if that was the truth. The vase, that could just be because someone was clumsy. Accidents happened. And Payton...well, Matt didn't know how to explain away Payton but there was no way it could be because of Ryan. Still, he couldn't quite shake the feeling that there was something wrong.

Payton knew the moment that she started to open the front door that it was a horrible idea. SHe knew that it would end up causing too many problem, more than her budding friendship with Matt already had. It wasn't that Ryan knew what was going on, she hadn't even told him that Matt was out of prison, let alone that he had visited regularly. What little colour was there, drained from Payton's features as she made eye contact with Matt. Whether he noticed what was behind her or not, whether he noticed what was wrong with her face, wasn't really a question. Payton knew that Matt was smart, he was always so good at piecing two and two together.

She hadn't even listened to his apology, the blood was rushing in her ears, making it damn near impossible to hear anything but her blood and her heartbeat. But when Matt noticed the pot? Everything screeched to a halt. Gulping, Payton's eyes remained trained on Matt's. Clearing her throat, Payton looked away from Matt as she gave a small nod of her head. "Yeah. I, uh, Ryan was rushing out this morning because we overslept and he knocked it over. Nothing to worry about," she answered, her voice still not quite as strong as she would have liked.

"I, uh, do you want to come in? I don't have tea made right now but I do have water," Payton spoke, beginning to turn away. The day hadn't started off well, Payton wasn't going to step any further out of line beyond inviting Matt into their home.

Matt got the idea that Payton wasn't telling him the entire truth, but for now, he decided not to push things. It wouldn't help right now. "Well you should tell Ryan to be more careful," he said, his voice flat. He nodded when Payton asked if he wanted to come inside, carefully stepping over the glass as he followed her into the kitchen. He looked around for a minute or so, finally finding her broom and dustpan. "I'm going to clean up the glass on the floor," he said to Payton. Matt didn't give Payton a chance to respond to him before he went back to the foyer. Just as he was about to start sweeping up the broken glass, he noticed something odd. If Ryan had knocked it over on his way out the door as Payton said, the glass would've been fanned in the direction of the door, as well as the dirt that spilled from it. But instead the glass and dirt seemed to fan in a circle, more away from the door than anything. Almost like it had been thrown. But why would Ryan have thrown the vace?

Matt frowned as an idea came to mind. He quickly swept up the mess, dumping it into the trashcan before leaning against the counter and looking at Payton. "Payton, are you sure Ryan knocked the vace over on his way to work this morning?" Matt asked, trying to keep his voice calm. "Because it kind of looks like it was knocked over the other way. Actually, it looks like it was thrown. And pretty damn hard." Matt sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Please Payton...just tell me the truth. You're my best friend, hell you're my only friend, and I want to help you. But I can't help you if you don't tell me the truth."

Payton opened her mouth to tell Matt off when he started looking for her broom, finally relenting and telling him what closet it was hidden away in. All of the cleaning supplies remained hidden unless she was using them, to keep Ryan's perfect fantasy tucked away where it belonged. She sighed, her shoulders sagging as she watched Matt disappear in the direction of the foyer. Swallowing around the lump in her throat, Payton sighed as she turned away. It killed her, just thinking about the fact that Matt was cleaning up after Ryan because she hadn't been able to right after he left. Payton knew the way she was treated wasn't right, that there were a lot of things wrong with it, but she didn't know what else to do. This was her marriage, walking away from it was more or less forbidden in their small town.

Tears hadn't quite fallen by the time Matt returned but she had been lost in her thoughts. Looking up when her name was spoken, Payton's face morphed into a mask of anger. "Don't!" She snapped, pointing an accusing finger in his direction. "Don't ask questions you don't want the answer to," she seethed, turning around. Payton inhaled slowly, shaking her head as she let out a dry laugh. "You've caused enough damn problems, Matt, you don't need to make it any worse than you already have. Okay?

(I feel horrible )

Matt was more than surprised when Payton reacted to his questions with anger. He'd been expecting her to try and step around his questions, change the subject. Payton had never been one to yell. Matt opened his mouth to say something to Payton as she turned around, but before he could, she spoke agIn. Her next comment stung, it stung a lot worse than Matt was prepared for, and it brought on a swell of his own anger. "I've caused enough problems?" he repeated. "What problems have I caused? Are you trying to say that what happened to that vase is my fault? It's not my fault your husband doesn't know how to control his temper, Payton. But I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry for whatever problems I've caused you. I'm sorry I kissed you. I'm sorry I fucked everything up, just like I always do. It should've been me," he added, finally speaking out loud something he'd been thinking since the night Tyler died, the night his life went to hell. "It should've been me who died that night, not Tyler. Then nobody would think I'm a murderer and I wouldn't be around to cause everyone so many problems."

Matt rubbed his hands over his face, letting out a ragged sigh. He hadn't meant to say any of those things to Payton, or out loud to anyone really. "I'm just going to go," he finally said. He turned to the door. "I won't come back. Don't want to cause you any more problems. Goodbye, Payton." Without another word, Matt walked out of Payton's house, trying to convince himself that he was doing the right thing. He was only making things worse for Payton by being around; he just needed to leave her be, no matter how unhappy he knew her marriage was. Matt drove back to his parents' house, grabbing a glass from the kitchen and a half-empty bottle of whiskey before going to his room. All he felt like doing was wallowing in his self-pity with a little alcohol. They'd been drinking that night, years ago, that's why they hadn't realized that the gun was loaded. That's why Matt had been waving it around, why he'd tripped and accidentally discharged the gun. It was all his fault, everything was his fault.

[why? ]

(I just feel so bad for Matt )

Payton knew that even before the words finished, that she shouldn't have snapped at Matt. A very small part of her was afraid he would lash out because that was what she knew now and the other part? The other part felt horrible because she should have seen his reaction coming. She opened and closed her mouth several times as she listened to the sound of Matt's retreating footsteps but all that came out was a pathetic sounding noise. She closed her eyes, only letting out a sob when the front door shut. She sank down to the kitchen floor, letting sobs erupt from her body. It wasn't like the tiny little ones that she had been accustomed to, like after she fought with Ryan, but these were full-bodied, soul crushing sobs as she collapsed forward, her arms clutching her chest. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry," she kept repeating the phrase, wishing that Matt could hear her.

Eventually, Payton found it in her to stand and begin the mind numbing process of her daily chores. What Payton did out of the ordinary was begin to pack a bag. She hid it in their walk in closet, not expecting Ryan to find it. He never went looking for things, Payton had pajamas laid out on the bed, waiting for Ryan after his work shower. In the back of her mind, Payton was thinking that in the next day or two, she would call Matt and she would escape. They could just run away and have their own happily little ever after.

[yes, poor Mattie ]

Matt had no idea how much he'd had to drink before he decided to quit. It was enough to make his head spin, make his thoughts whirl, but not enough to black him out. It was still the afternoon, after all, he still had plenty of time to drown his liver later. At some point he could hear his mother moving around downstairs, probably cooking some of her health shit for dinner, and Matt groaned, tugging his pillow over his head. How had he reached this point in his life? Twenty five and still living with his parents, having pissed off his only remaining friend, and with the label of murderer forever stuck to him. He had no use to anyone really, too many people had made that perfectly clear since he'd been released from prison.

Matt had given thought to leaving, but where would he go? Even if he left town, his record would follow him. He'd never find a decent job, nothing good enough to support himself if he tried to live on his own. And who would let him sign a lease, anyway? He was a convicted felon. So for now he was stuck here, stuck in this town full of people and memories that reminded him of what he used to have and what he'd done to have it all taken away. At some point Matt managed to fall asleep, drowsy from the alcohol. He only woke up when his mother knocked on his door, telling him that dinner was ready, and he groaned as he rubbed his hands over his face. He thought about skipping out on dinner, but he preferred to skip the lecture that would come hand in hand with staying in bed. But he did finish the little bit of whiskey that was left in the bottle before he slowly hobbled downstairs, not missing the frown on his mother's face as he fixed himself a plate.

Payton had done her best to stay away from Matt. She hadn't called him, hadn't so much as texted him. Ryan had her passwords - it would have been too easy for him to see it. That was the reason she kept telling herself. It wasn't that she wanted to run away with Matt. It wasn't that the only thing she could think of was Matt. Not her husband. She shouldn't have been thinking of anyone else when Ryan kissed her. She shouldn't have and yet she was. She hoped that by putting more distance between Matt and herself, that the thoughts would dwindle and her life could return to normalcy. Or as close as it could get to being normal.

Just like every evening, Ryan arrived home and Payton was busy in the kitchen finishing up the last bit of supper. He would head into their room where he would get changed into the clothes she had already set out for him. It was routine for them, Payton had been working on trying to do better by his standards. Ryan was her husband and as much as they had problems, she was hoping that they could relax for the rest of the evening. If she was lucky, they could even cuddle up on the couch and watch a movie together. It had been ages since they did something even slightly romantic. Turning as she heard Ryan heading toward the kitchen, Payton offered a small smile. "Did yyou want to eat in the living room? Maybe even watch a movie?"