Hard to Figure Out

Matt wasn't surprised when he didn't hear from Payton for several days. He wouldn't be surprised if he never heard from her again. Eight years was a long time, and things had changed. Payton wasn't his girlfriend anymore; she was married now and her marriage was obviously more important to her than he was. It was this realization that made Matt start to think hard about leaving town, going somewhere new to make a fresh start. It wasn't like he had anything going for him here. If he moved, he might be able to live a somewhat normal life, at least until his past caught up with him and everyone figured out what he'd done. And he wouldn't even tell anyone he was leaving, because he didn't want to be talked out of it. He would just pack up what few belongings he had and leave; he would be gone before anyone he knew was even awake, and their lives would be better off with him gone.

"I'm going for a run," Matt called out. He pushed his ear buds into his ears before slipping out of the house. Running was the only time Matt really enjoyed himself, because it was the only time he didn't feel like people were looking at him like he was a leper or something. Not to mention it kept him from sitting around and drinking, which never ended well. With Metallica blasting in his ear, Matt set off down the sidewalk, taking his usual path to the foot trail near his parents' house. It was normally nearly deserted during this time of day, since most people were at work. It was quiet and secluded and perfect for Matt. He made it almost far enough to turn around when his music stopped, and when he looked down he saw that it was Payton calling, and he was more than confused. Why was she calling him, after days of ignoring him? Matt pulled out his earbuds and accepted the call, pressing the phone to his ear. "Hello? Payton?"

When their bedroom door slammed open a few minutes after Ryan got home, Payton somehow just knew. She knew that Ryan had found the bag that she had packed nearly two weeks ago, the bag that she didn't think she would ever actually use. How was she supposed to? Her family loved Ryan - she had never let it slip what went on behind closed doors. Ryan knew what cards to play when, when they were around her family. Payton had no one else because she lived virtually inside their home, rarely left it except when she had to go grocery shopping. On a budget that Payton had perfected, she never had to go outside of it because that simply had never been an option. Payton swallowed the lump in her throat, staring down at the supper that she had just plated for Ryan. A few seconds seemed to drag on into minutes where she noticed how violently her hands shook, how loud her blood was racing through her ears and even more telling, was just how quiet Ryan was walking. She turned ever so slowly and the first thing she saw was that dreaded bag.

- - -

Payton's eyes fluttered open. THe first thing she noticed was the pain. The pain that wasn't really anywhere specific - instead it was everywhere. Her side hurt a bit more than other parts, her head and her wrist throbbed. Closing her eyes against the brightness of the lights, Payton raised her hand to cover her eyes. The house was oddly silent, she couldn't hear anything other than the sound of her own ragged breathing. She swallowed, pulling herself toward the doorway of the kitchen.

She reached the coffee table where she snatched her phone from the edge. Payton didn't know if she was wrong for calling Matt but before she consider the complications, she was pressing the phone to her ear. "Matt," Payton breathed, relief flowing through her when she heard the sound of his voice. "I need help. I need you," Payton whispered, unable to hold back a sob toward the end of her sentence. "Can you come? Please?" Payton had no clue when Ryan would be back but she was praying she would have enough time to leave. Ryan knew she had wanted to leave at some point, if Ryan came home with Matt trying to help her leave? There was no saying what would end up happening.

Matt's heart sank as he listened to Payton speak. Why did she need his help? He could think of one good reason, and it didn't help the turning of his stomach. "Uh yeah, I can come over," Matt said, finally finding his words. "I'm out on the trail though, so it'll probably take me about twenty minutes before I can get there. But I'll be there. Just stay where you are." Matt knew he shouldn't be rushing to Payton's aide like this, but he couldn't help himself. She was one of his oldest friends and once upon a time, he'd thought he had a future with her. And besides, what sort of man would he be if he sat back and did nothing, suspecting what he did? Matt ran as fast as he could back to his house, not even bothering to change clothes before he grabbed his car keys and headed back out the door.

It took everything in him not to fly to Payton's house, but even right now, he knew that the last thing he needed was a speeding ticket. Well, the last thing he needed to be in the immediate vicinity of a police officer. Tyler's cousin was the sheriff and Matt knew that if he were pulled over for any reason, they would take him to jail. When he reached Payton's house, Matt pulled into the driveway, putting his car into park and hurrying inside. "Payton?" he called out as he stepped into the house. "I'm here. Where are you at?"

"Please hurry," Payton spoke into the phone until the call was ended. Her eyes slipped shut, the phone dropping to rest in her lap. She had managed to pull herself up to sit against the couch but that was all the energy she had left. She said a silent prayer, hoping that Matt wouldn't take too long to get to her. Lifting her head up, Payton eyed the bag that had been thrown everywhere from the kitchen to the living room. She knew she should have stood and collected th things as well as she could but the thought alone was enough to exhaust her.

Payton let out a small groan to indicate where she was. She lifted up her hand, giving an uncommitted wave to Matt. She was out of sight from the front door. "Right here," she called, forcing herself to sit up. Payton set a hand on the arm of the couch, trying to push herself up to stand but her legs shook beneath her. "We have to hurry. I don't... I don't know where he is," she whispered, refusing to look in Matt's direction. Payton knew she had to look pathetic, she thought that if roles had been reversed, she would have judged Matt. Right?

"Or when he'll be back," Payton added after a moment. She drew in a deep breathe, gritting her teeth against the strain of her muscles as she forced herself up to her feet.

Matt heard a noise that sounded somewhat like a groan, but he couldn't pinpoint exactly where it was coming from. It wasn't until he saw a waving hand that he knew where Payton was, and he hurried over, frowning as he watched her try and get to her feet. She was obviously very weak, and judging by the bruising forming around her eye, she'd been hit by something. And when Matt realized what that something was, he felt his anger flare. He knew Ryan was hurting her, he just knew it. Just like he knew how hard it was for Payton to leave him, because around here, you didn't just get divorced. There had to be death or a very obvious infidelity before you could walk away from a marriage. And besides that, Matt knew that Ryan was a well-liked man in town. His entire family was well-liked, so even if Payton had come forward and said that Ryan was beating her, no one would've believed her.

"Here, let me help you," Matt said, reaching out for Payton. He helped her to her feet, slipping his arm around her shoulders to steady her. He had no idea where to take Payton to shelter her from Ryan. Obviously she couldn't stay here. And he couldn't take her to his parents' house, because once Ryan figured out that Payton had left with him - which wouldn't be all that hard to figure out - Ryan would go straight to Matt's parents' house. Everyone in town knew that was where he was staying. And Matt didn't have the money to put Payton up in a hotel room, and he wasn't about to stick her in a shitty little motel room. But they would figure something out. They had to. Because Payton could not stay here.

Payton couldn't help the relief when she finally saw Matt. She leaned against him, her head dropping against his shoulder. Their progress was slow at best, with Matt more or less carrying her toward the front door. She tried her best to support herself, not wanting to be any more of a burden than she already was. "I'm sorry," she whispered, letting out a humorless laugh. "For the other day. I didn't... I dunno. Know what I was thinking?" Payton stopped dead in her tracks when she heard a car door slam outside. She took a baby step backward, instinctively giving Matt a weak shove behind her.

"Go out the back door, Matt," Payton spoke, turning toward him. She gave him another shove, harder this time around. "Go!" Payton was glaring at him now, adrenaline the only thing that was really getting her to the point where she could stand on her own. When the front door started to open and Matt still hadn't moved, Payton's face all but drained of colour. If Ryan had been angry before, she knew that he would be down right livid when he saw that Matt was here.

With an arm still around Payton's shoulders, Matt started to lead her towards the front door. He still wasn't sure where he was going to take her, but for now he just needed to get her into his car and out of this house. "I think neither one of us really knew what we were doing the other day," Matt said. By now, they'd nearly made it to the front door, but he stopped in his tracks when he heard a door slam outside. It didn't take much thought for him to figure out that it was Ryan outside, and for a moment Maty was frozen, even as Payton shoved him backwards. What good would going out the back door do? His car was sitting in their driveway, Ryan would have seen it. He would know Matt was here, and if Matt disappeared then he wouldn't be here to protect Payton when Ryan's temper flared. So Matt stood his ground as the front door started to open, only moving to step in front of Payton.

It seemed like time stood still as Ryan stepped into the house, the anger already apparent on his face even before he spotted Matt standing in the foyer. It seemed to take a second for him to register Matt's presence, and then the look of anger on his face grew. And not so oddly enough, Matt's there grew as well, if only because he knew the injuries Payton was suffering from were dealt by Ryan's hands. "What the hell is he doing here?" Ryan finally asked, his question obviously directed at Payton.

"I'm here to help her," Matt answered before Payton could speak. "She called me and begged me to come over because she needed my help, and what do I find when I get here? Payton, sitting on the floor, too weak and bruised to stand, and all because of you. What kind of man lays his hand on any woman, let alone his wife? You're supposed to be the one to protect her, but she's terrified of you. You don't deserve to be married to her. Payton deserves someone who's going to treat her right and not beat the shit out of her on a regular basis."

It took Payton a moment to comprehend what Matt was doing when he stepped in front of her. She couldn't understand what he was doing and once she had, she couldn't figure out why. Why was he putting himself between Payton and Ryan? She knew that Matt was strong, he'd be able to defend himself but she was almost positive that Ryan had to be stronger. The bruises littering her body were certainly all the proof that she needed to be given. Her eyes darted up, meeting Ryan's gaze when he spoke to her. If she had thought he was angry before, she had no clue what to call what he was now. A chill slivered down her spine, her breathe catching in her throat. Her eyes were as wide as saucers but she was unable to speak, all she could do was watch in horror as Matt answered Ryan's question.

"You both made a mistake," Ryan answered, his voice oddly calm. He watched as Payton closed her eyes, covering her mouth to muffle the sob that bubbled in her chest. "But first, I'm going to deal with our little visitor." Ryan's face broke into a wide smile as he produced his phone from his pocket. He was very deliberate in dialing the three digit number, his eyes locked on Matt's as he spoke to the dispatcher on the phone.

Payton was spurred forward by the phone call being ended. She shuffled forward, praying she could convince Matt to just go. "You need to go, Matt. Just... Just... go! Before it's too late."

Ryan let out a dry laugh, shaking his head. "Too late. Your car's blocked in so unless you're going on foot, how are you planning to do that?"

Matt's stomach dropped when Ryan got on the phone and started talking to the dispatcher. He knew Ryan was calling the police, and every cell in his body was screaming in resistance at the thought of going back to prison. He couldn't go back there. If he hadn't gotten out of there when he did, he probably would have ended up hanging himself in his cell, like the man a few cells down had done. He couldn't go back. "They...They can't arrest me for anything," Matt stammered, grasping for straws. "You invited me here, Payton. I-I didn't do anything wrong. I didn't break in, I didn't take anything, I didn't hit this motherfucker even though he deserves it."

Still, Matt felt an overwhelming urge to flee. He knew that the police would wholeheartedly believe Ryan over him; after all, Ryan was a beacon of the community and Matt was a convicted murderer. But he also knew that if he ran, it would look suspicious and it would give time for Ryan to fabricate a story to give to the police. Effectively, he was trapped.

"Why are you doing this?" Matt asked, turning to Ryan again. "Are you not enough of a man to know when to back down? If you love Payton at all, you'll stop this and you'll let her leave. I know divorce isn't something a lot of people do around here, but it still happens. So just...stop being such a fucking dick and just let us leave."

Time seemed to stand still as Matt spoke, as Ryan's smile slowly morphed from sarcastic to triumphant. Her stomach sank as she stared at her husband as he drew the line in the sand. Ryan laughed, shaking his head as he stared at Matt. Payton wouldn't do anything, she wouldn't fight him. She would be taken care of after Matt was escorted out of the house. The couple seemed to come to the understanding without speaking a word to each other.

"Payton is mine. You lost her the day you shot your best friend, Sanders. She's lucky I even wanted her, knowing what trash she liked before," Ryan sneered, his attention focused on Matt. He knew what he was saying would get under Matt's skin and it wasn't as if what he was saying hadn't been heard by Payton before. Whenever she seemed like she was considering leaving, Ryan was quick to latch onto the fact that no one would want Tyler' killer's sloppy seconds. She was lucky Ryan did, Payton knew that.

The sirens in the distance were enough to wipe the smile off of Ryan's face. He stepped back to the door, tossing it open. Ryan glanced behind him, letting out a dark chuckle as he watched the sheriff climb out of the vehicle. Ryan called out clearly, his head cocking to the side. "Thank god you got here so fast, officer! Got home from work and this monster was attacking my wife! He must have found her after getting out of prison!"

(I kind of picture Payton crying/apologizing to Matt but being too afraid/not thinking she'll be able to change the sheriff's mind so sh doesn't actually argue? idk)

Matt wasn't surprised when Ryan threw Tyler's death in his face, but that didn't stop his blood from boiling. Everyone close to him - well, Payton and his parents - knew how much guilt he still and always would harbor over Tyler's death, how much he felt that it should have been him that died, how often he sometimes considered taking his own life, just to ease the guilt. And to have it so casually thrown in his face, and as insult to Payton no less, made Matt so angry he could throttle Ryan. But that was something he couldn't afford to do; he was already going to be in enough trouble as it was.

The sound of sirens in the distance had Matt on alert, and before he could move or say anything, Ryan had opened the door and was shouting to the sheriff outside. When he heard the story Ryan had given to him, Matt shook his head wildly. "I didn't attack her!" Matt shouted. He looked over at Payton as the sherriff approached him, handcuffs already unhooked from his belt. Looking at her, he saw how Ryan's story might be believable; Payton was littered with bruises and it looked like she'd been beaten. But those marks had been left by Ryan's hands, not his. But it wasn't like the sheriff would believe that. "Payton, tell him!" Matt said to her. He was aware of the sharp sting of the cold metal of the handcuffs too tight around his wrists and the sherriff mumbling his Miranda rights in his ear. But Payton was silent. She said nothing in his defense, just watched as he was dragged from the house and shoved into the back of the cop car.

At the jail, Matt was tossed quite unceremoniously into an empty cell. The sound of the door slamming shut brought back such awful memories that Matt wanted to scream; it reminded him of prison and he hated it. He hated that place and he never wanted to go back. "Hey, don't I get a phone call?" Matt called out to the officer who'd locked him in the cell.

The man barely turned his head around to look at Matt, chuckling as he shook his head back and forth. "Well, you don't," he said, and then he disappeared back the way they'd come from.

Matt rattled the bars of his cage, cursing out loud as he sulked over to a corner, sliding down to sit on the floor. There was no hope for him now. He knew that Ryan would paint him as a monster and everyone would go along with it; everyone hated him, they thought he'd killed his best friend. They would play the system against him and make sure he ended up back in prison. And be couldn't go back there, he couldn't. He would sooner die than let them lock him back up. And just like that, the idea hit him. He was wearing a belt, and the bunk beds were tall enough that his feet would just barely touch the floor if he strung himself up from the top bar. And then he wouldn't have to go back to prison and no one would have to worry about him anymore.

Payton stared as the cop stepped through the doorway. The sight of him was all it took to spur her tears on all over again. She watched, mouth agape as the sheriff put the cuffs on Matt. She heard him speaking, she knew that Matt was talking to her but she couldn't bring herself to speak. The words were right there, on the tip of her tongue but all she could manage to get out was a hoarse, barely audible "I'm sorry" before Matt was taken out of the home. Her knees buckled and she lowered to the floor, her head dropping forward. Payton's body shook with sobs, her body flinching as she drew away from the sound of the front door shutting. She had no way of knowing how tonight would end for Matt but she was more than positive she knew how it would end for her.

- - - -

"Please. I need an ambulance. I can't... I can't breathe..."

Payton didn't have any clue what was going on, she had been in and out of consciousness but at some point, Ryan must have tired of dealing with her. He had gone off to bed, Payton had put together her phone again (the battery had been knocked out when Ryan threw it) and made the only call she could think to. She couldn't call Matt - she had no idea if he was okay, if he was still dealing with the police, she just knew that she had to right what wrong she had already done.

Starting to come to, Payton let out ab indistinguishable groan. The hospital staff had her on medication to help alleviate her pain but there was no ignoring all of it. It wasn't long before a nurse came by to check on her and Payton drew the woman's attention. She was tired and all she really wanted to do was go back to sleep. she couldn't. Matt had come to help her and only gotten in trouble. It wasn't fair. After explaining the situation as carefully as she could to the nurse, the sheriff was called. Through quite a bit of 'you don't have to cover for him' and 'its okay', Payton filed charges against Ryan - signed a statement that would, as she hoped, help Matt out of the trouble he was in.

In the morning, Payton had every intention of disappearing. Her statement was signed and there was nowhere else for her to go. She couldn't just go home, she couldn't go to the house that had been where she lived since the day after she had been married. Her parents weren't an option, she couldn't face them so where she would go, she had no clue. The deputy left the hospital room and moments later, Payton had drifted off back to sleep.

It took Matt a little while to figure out exactly how he would do this. The main frame of the upper bunk was strong enough to hold his weight, but his toes would still drag the ground. The headboard was high enough that his feet wouldn't drag, but it might not hold his weight as well. But Matt didn't need it to hold up for long, just until he was too far gone for anyone to bring him back. He wished he had a piece of paper and a pen, something he could use to write a note, to tell his parents that he was sorry, that they were better off without the burden of having a murderer for a son. Matt looped the belt around the top of the headboard and then the other end around his neck. He stood on the edge of the bottom bunk, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath before he let his feet slip off, immediately feeling the belt constrict around his throat. He struggled for a few minutes as his vision slowly started to turn black, and the last thing Matt remembered before he completely lost consciousness was the sound of his cell door opening and someone shouting.

--------

When Matt regained consciousness, he wasn't in the jail cell anymore. He was in the hospital and his left hand was chained to the bed and his throat hurt like hell. It was mid-afternoon, but a familiar face was asleep the chair next to Matt's bed. He was surprised to see his sister, but he couldn't say he was surprised that she was here. He'd tried to kill himself; it made sense that she would want to be here with him now. Amy stirred when there was a knock at the door, and Matt's head snapped up, seeing a police officer walk into the room. "Matthew Sanders," he said, and Matt nodded his head. "I'm just here to let you know that the charges against you have been dropped. Once you've been discharged, you're free to go."

The charges had been dropped? He was free to go? Payton must have made a statement to the police and...Payton. Matt wondered if anyone had told her what had happened, but he doubted it. And honestly, he didn't know if he wanted Payton to know what he'd tried to do.

Payton had no real clue where she was going to go. The doctor had advised her against leaving just yet - they wanted to monitor her, her right lung had collapsed after Ryan kicked her in the chest. She had listened to their plea for her to remain before saying no. She had to leave, had to get out of here before Ryan found her. She was more than a little afraid of the thought, it spurred her to change into her every day clothes. She left the room after receiving her discharge papers, her attention focused forward.

She couldn't go home, she couldn't go to her family because she knew how that conversation would go. The last time that she had just mentioned being unhappy in her marriage, her parents had been quick to explain why it wasn't acceptable to leave Ryan. He was her husband, he was the man she had promised herself to. There was no changing that, whether she wanted to or not. .As she stepped through the emergency room doors, her chance to get out came out of nowhere. It was almost like a lightbulb going off. Payton wanted to disappear. There was just about one way for her to disappear.

Payton lowered herself down gingerly, sitting down on one of the benches not far from the entrance. She pulled the phone from her pocket, dialing the only taxi company within the small town. It was the only way she would be able to get down to the bus depo where she would take the first ticket she could get. It didn't matter where, not really. So long as she got out of here, it didn't matter. Payton stared at the call button for longer than she would have liked to admit before she finally pressed it, lifting the phone to her ear so that she could place the call.

In all honesty, Matt had no idea where he wanted to do. Going home to his parents' house would entail telling them everything that had happened, from his almost altercation with Ryan to being arrested to his suicide attempt in the jail. He knew he would have to tell his parents eventually, but for now Matt wanted to keep those secrets to himself. Once he had his discharge papers in hand, Matt left the hospital, still not entirely sure where he was going to go. Or how he was going to get there, for that matter. He had no car here and no money to call a cab or take the bus. The only person that came to mind for him to call was Payton, and even as he dialed her phone number, he doubted she would answer him.

"What the fuck?" Matt mumbled, pulling the phone away from his ear as he walked out of the hospital. He was sure that he was imagining it, but it almost sounded like he could hear Payton's ringtone somewhere close by. He followed the sound even after it went quiet, very surprised to find Payton sitting on a bench not far from the entrance of the emergency room. "Payton?" Matt said, his voice cracking a little, mostly from disuse and the pain in his throat. "What...What are you doing here?"

When her phone initially began to ring, Payton assumed that it was the cab company calling. The one name that she hadn't expected to see popped up on the screen. She swallowed, her finger instinctively moving to hover over the 'end' button. She wanted so bad to answer and tell him how sorry she was but she was afraid that she would only end up upsetting him all over again. She had watched as he was dragged off to prison, all because she had been too afraid to open her mouth and tell the truth about her marriage.

Payton jumped at the sound of her name, her head snapping up. Her eyes widened as she caught sight of Matt, shying away from him. No. He wasn't supposed to be here. He was going to either yell at her or try and convince her to stay. She couldn't afford to stay, she knew it.

Lowering her gaze, Payton's stomach dropped as she shrugged. What was there to even say? "After," she started, swallowing as she turned back toward Matt. "After what happened, things got worse, I guess. I needed to be treated," she answered quietly, her eyes still trained on the ground between them. "I was just leaving, I swear." Payton didn't even think to ask why Matt was here, just expecting that Matt was angry with her about earlier.

"Why are you leaving?" Matt asked. And why wasn't she going to tell him? Of course, he'd been ready to do the same thing, just disappear without telling anyone. At least until he'd gone where he wanted to go. Matt said down next to Payton on the bench with a sigh, rubbing his knees. "Not gonna lie, I was going to do the same thing," he told her. "Just disappear, ya know? It's not like anyone would miss me. I tried to already. Leave, I mean." He wondered if that would be enough to get his point across, if Payton would even know what he meant by that. He hoped she would, because having to say it out loud would make him feel so foolish.

"Thank you, by the way," Matt said a few minutes later. "I know you had to have given a statement to the police, otherwise I wouldn't be let go. And...And I know that couldn't have been easy for you. You're one of the bravest people I know, Payton. You deserve so much better than Ryan. Or me." Matt sighed again. He honestly had no idea where these words were coming from right now; he was just sort of speaking without really knowing what he was saying. He rubbed at his throat, the skin still a little tender from the belt that had been wrapped around it. "So did you have a destination in mind? Or are you just trying to get away?"

Payton hadn't been prepared for how emotional Matt's words would make her. A sob bubbled inside of her chest and she reached up, covering her mouth with her hand to keep from making any noise. She had become a professional silent cryer. She wiped away the tars that threatened to fall, refusing to look at Matt ads he sat beside her. "You're wrong," she muttered under her breathe, forcing back the laugh that was on the tip of her tongue. She wasn't about to tell him just how wrong Matt was. About people not missing him, about her deserving more than what Matt could ever offer her. Could she ever hope to explain it to him? Matt had always treated her like an angel, the princess that he always told her she was.

Sniffling, Payton rubbed her nose as she shrugged her shoulders. "I don't know. I just... I can't stay here. Ryan will be out by the weekend and it's not like... it's not like I can get away from him here. Everyone is going to find out about the divorce and they'll know exactly why." Payton laughed then, shrugging as she turned further away from him. "Can you make me a promise, Matt?" She asked suddenly, drawing in a deep breathe as she turned toward him.

"I understand that," Matt said quietly. He knew there was no way Payton could escape from Ryan or her crumbling marriage here in this town, just like he would never be able to escape from what he'd done. This town just wasn't good for either one of them and it never would be. The only things Matt would have here if Payton left were his parents and his sister, and they could always come to visit him wherever he ended up. He watched as Payton turned away from him and then suddenly turned back, his body tensing up when she asked him to make her a promise. "I guess it depends on what you want me to promise you, Payton," Matt said.

There were plenty of things that Matt could promise Payton with no problem. But there were some things that he could never promise her, no matter how much she might want him to. He could never promise her that he would ever be truly happy, because he knew that he wouldn't, not with what he'd done always weighing on his shoulders. He could never promise her that he would move on from her, or that he wouldn't miss her.

Payton swallowed around the lump that formed in her throat. She took a deep breath as she looked up to Matt. She was quiet for a long moment, just taking in his features. Memorizing them as much as she could. She reached out to him with a sad sort of smile, running her fingers over his cheek. She wanted nothing more than to just give into him, give into what she wanted but she couldn't do that to him. She just couldn't.

"Promise me you'll find me. Wherever I am, wherever I end up. I don't know where that's going to be but tI want you to find me," Payton paused, frowning as she spotted the taxi turning into the hospital parking lot. "Soo that you and I can start the life that we didn't get to have. Promise, Matt. Please."