Rules For Your Unborn Child

You will not wear your pants below your ass.

You will not teeth on the cat.

one of my best friends told me this, and i think he's right.
whenever you feel ugly or not good enough or worthless, just remember that you're loved. you are beautiful, because you are loved.

oh, and please don't become a sporty child. or a religious one.
i will just about blow my brains out. and i'm not letting you learn a fucking instrument either. that shitty violin of mine kept my parents up all night.

If you join Mibba and kill WAYT, I will try to revive it, but no promises. You better do the same thing for me.

If you have questions, don't hesitate to ask me. Unless it's about sex and/or boys. Find someone else.

"Shotgun" solves any fights over the front passenger seat. It shall only be said once we leave the house/building/enter the parking lot. Any time before that, and you're disqualified.

My arm is not a rabbit named Fluffy, nor is my face. My hair is not a rabbit named Bob.

Yes, Aunt Madison has multiple issues and possible schizophrenia. Just smile and wave, or stay near me.

EDIT: If I give you a Welsh name no one can pronounce, or I give you the name "Brfxxccxxmnpcccclllmmnprxvclmnckssqlbb11116", you will deal with it. Even if I can't pronounce Llwyrddyddwg.

it takes trust but,
you can drink.
you can smoke.
but be fucking smart about it.

When Mommy's mad, do not bother her. Bad things will happen.

You can follow whatever religion you want. Don't listen to Grandma.

Don't have sex when your father and I are home. And use protection. I won't be having any grandchildren until after y'all graduate.

Do not drink and drive. Call me or Dad and we'll pick you up.

Never lie to me and Dad. You're fucked if you do. End of.

Say y'all. It ticks off Dad.

Daddy and Mommy love you always, don't forget that.

waits.:

My mom has always told me that!

-

Baby, no matter what you do, no matter what happens, just always know that I'll be here. Also, you will learn how to appreciate spoken jazz, that's just a hard and fast rule in the Katie household.

You will be breastfed and uncircumcised and wear cloth diapers and be attachment parented. I don't expect you do follow exactly in my footsteps with your children, but I hope that you'll appreciate the sacrifices I intend to make. Yeah, your mama is gonna be the crazy granola munching baby wrap wearing midwife, but I hope I can raise you to be gentle and appreciate natural birth.

You can listen to whatever kind of music you like; I'm not going to dictate my tastes to you. But you will listen to a wide variety of music from the moment you're born.

I want the best for you. Whatever I do, however misguided and messed up it may seem, it's only because I want the best for you.

Live the life you want to live, just don't be stupid about it.

They're not all rules, just general things I'll raise my child by. c:

You'll listen to and learn to appreciate jazz and classical music, as well as 70s/80s rock bands.

You'll learn a few instruments. I was shown to the joy of music too late, even though I was just 11.

You'll eat right and learn to exercise, even if in small amounts. I learned the hard way that you should do that from the bat.

Being stupid and getting bad grades are, and never were or will be, cool.

If you're going to drink, drink responsibly. If you get drunk or even slightly buzzed and don't have a safe ride home ever, call me or Dad. I won't get mad; I'll be happy that you're okay.

I will trust you until you give me reason enough not to. (This is a good one that my parents are raising me by. I feel like it's one of the best rules out there; some of my friends rebel because their parents constrained them from the start)

I'm raising you to be open to all religions. Not necessarily religious yourself (you can decide that for yourself later on), but to be tolerant and accepting of all religions. However, never will I say to be tolerant of someone who is shoving their religion down your throat. That's just rude.

You're not going to walk all over others or let yourself be walked on. I've been to both extremes, and striking a balance is the best way to go.

Don't lie, and always be honest. You'll get into shit if you're dishonest. It's not fun.

Even if you feel like you hate me now, you'll learn that you truly don't. Not once in my lifetime have I not appreciated or loved my parents.

if your friends are sick, they're not coming over. no way.

You will learn to appreciate all music. You can listen to whatever you want, but when I'm driving, I dictate the radio. And you will be raised off my music.

Tolerance is the key. The world will never be completely at peace. And you don't have to agree with everyone. Just learn to tolerate and agree to disagree.

There will be times when you think you're more mature than you actually are. Chances are, you're not. Don't rush to grow up. You'll miss the lessons that count.

Disney movies, Winnie the Pooh, Where the Wild Things Are, and Harry Potter are essential for every childhood.

You'll be raised in a house that contains nothing but health foods. I grew up in a family that only ate fast food and I refuse to let my family's eating habits get like that.

I'll trust you until you give me reason not to.

It's okay to cry.

Sports are heavily encouraged. It's good to be active and healthy.

You will appreciate all Meg Ryan and Alan Rickman movies.

Be ambitious. Don't ever let anyone tell you that you're not good enough.

There's a 99.9% chance you won't meet your future spouse in high school. Don't let a relationship take control of your life before you even know how to take control of your life.

You're sexuality does not define you as a person. I will love you no matter what.

If I say no, there's a very good reason for it.

8:00 pm curfew on weekdays, 12:00 pm curfew on weekends.

Don't judge others.

You can swear in front of me, I don't mind. But swearing around adults who do (your grandmother in particular) will not be allowed.

Never do anything just because others are. Never feel like you're missing out just because everyone else is out drinking or having sex. It'll happen when you're ready and when you want it to happen.

Never drink and drive. Call me and I will come get you. I won't be mad. But I will say this; There is a reason for the drinking age.

I want you to try you're best in everything you do. You will fail, things will be hard, but do the best you can.

If you get pregnant/get a girl pregnant, remember I'll always be here. But I expect you to take responsibility for your actions.

Don't hide things from me. I won't always approve, and some things might upset me, but I will try my hardest to understand. No matter what.

It's not nerdy to read books. In fact, you'll be spending a lot of time reading.

Anything less than straight A's will result in lock downs. I never worked to my potential. I will not let you be the same way.

Learn to forgive. Especially yourself.

Once you start taking drugs and/or smoking, that means you have enough money to life on your own.

Don't let people walk over you. Stand your ground.

Any piercings besides your ears will have to wait until you're sixteen and I've approved. Tattoos, when you're eighteen and can pay from them yourself.

If you get yourself in trouble, come to me.

Never settle.

Never give in. Never give up.

You're grandmother is the greatest woman in the world. Make sure you tell her how much you love her as much as you can.

Most importantly, I'll always love you.

You will not let anybody's hand go up your skirt during English class.

Remember that I'll love you always. My love for you will be unconditional. I will love you regardless of your gender, sexuality, style, attitude, everything. Just remember that.

Don't have sex at such a young age. Wait till you are ready.

Tell me when something's wrong. Even though you may not think it, I will be in some way or another, your best friend.

Eat your veggies.

Okay, future child o' mine, before I start listing off rules, there is something you have to understand: Auntie Zaniel and Momma have been planning how we're going to raise you - and decided that you will be a boy - since before you were even a remotely possible thing. This brings us to rule one:

-No bitching about the rules. Auntie Zaniel and I thought hard about these.

-No bitching about your name. You will like it.

-I'll try to be involved in your life without smothering you, just like I'll try to let you be independent without ignoring you.

-You will be brought up on Green Day, Blink-182 and various other bands we choose from the time you're in the womb right up until you leave home. You're welcome to listen to other music, of course, but ultimately, I have control of what gets played in our house. So there.

-You will watch every episode of Buffy and every episode of Angel.

-You will watch aforementioned shows in order, especially the crossovers.

-You will learn how to catch buses.

-You will learn how to go grocery shopping.

-You will learn how not to spend a fortune while grocery shopping.

-You will learn basic skills such as cleaning, ironing and cooking. You won't be expected to actually do these things, just as long as you know how.

-At your first concert, you will be sitting down. Lame, yes, but until you know what pits are actually like, you're not going in one.

-Auntie Zaniel will take you local shows when you're old enough to not go deaf.

-Said Auntie is going to try turn you gay. I have no problems with whatever gender you prefer, but don't let her bully you into thinking you like boys if you actually like girls. Not that I think she would do that, but still.

-As you get older, your curfew gets later. You shall respect your curfew unless you've let me know where you are and that you're safe.

-You're welcome to have your hair anyway you want, any colour you want. I would like a warning before you do something extreme, but I won't be annoyed if I come home to find you with bright pink hair. (As a fair warning, that colour might make Auntie Zaniel shave your head.)

-If I bitch at you for doing something that you think isn't that bad, just ask what I did when I was your age. I've probably done worse.

-You're my child. You'll have bad skin. You'll get over it.

-Yes, you may have a new pair of headphones to replace the ones you got two weeks ago.

Never ever touch burning coffee. I don't have the money to replace each and every one of those little piggies.

Always look under your bed for monsters. Cause I sure as hell ain't gonna battle your fears.

And the most important rule of all; do not take a crap where you know you're not suppose to. I swear it'll come back to bite you in the ass one day. Like at your wedding.

No, I probably didn't do that when I was your age. I was very sheltered. That being said, let me tell you how to do it right.

If I smell weed in this house, it becomes mine.

Never, ever get a spray tan, or bleach your hair blonde. However, if you turn out to be an amazing dancer or similar, you may have spray tans for the purposes of performing.

You have to wait until you're eleven to dye your hair.

Since me and your dad have already decided that we want you to be a boy (if you're a girl... well, screw all of this rules and I'll make new ones), this rules will apply to your development from a little momma's boy to a man.

I will not tolerate you playing videogames or watching TV the whole day. Two to three hours a day and the rest is for walking our four dogs or playing outside with the neighbors' kids, riding a bike. I want your childhood to be the best it can be, videogames and TV won't give you the best years of your life.

You will be a gentlemen. First thing I hear of you cheating on a girlfriend or being a lady's man, you stop being my child. I will not tolerate a neanderthal man trying to conquer as many as possible to prove a stupid, unfounded, point to his friends

Soccer is a must, boy. This is the first thing I learned to do after walking properly; this is how your dad and I will raise you, too

Want a piercing? A tattoo? You'll have to pay for it. You won't get one until you're at least 17. You will have to ask for my consent and your dad's too. If you don't, I won't be mad at you getting a piercing/tattoo; I will be mad at you for not trusting your parents and their judgement. Oh, and if it's a tat, it better have a special meaning to it; I don't want some stupid stars on your hips just because they look pretty

You can do whatever you like with your hair as long as you don't shave it all down. Just make sure to tell me so I don't get a heart attack when you come home with a 9 inches mohawk

Music is a must in your life. Due to your dad's and I's differing music tastes, you'll be raised with both, and later in life you'll decide your own music taste.

It is absolutely out of the question to dress up like a gansta or a cowboy (this later part blame your dad, for he completely traumatized me when he dressed that way).

You will learn how to clean the house, cook, iron, and such. You will have shores in the house and you must do them, because those will help you late rin life when you decide to live alone, or when you get married (if you ever decide doing so), so your partner won't get all the hardwork.

I must meet every single friend of yours. I won't choose them for you, but knowing with whom you are will ease my mind during those nights out.

As you get older, your curfew will change. You must respect those and if, for some reasong you're going to be out past your curfew, you must call us and explain why, where you are, and with whom you are.

School and education is a priority. You will go through it until high school, from there, is your decision if you want to go to college or not. It is your life, after all.

During your childhood, you will be raised with Disney movies. During your teenage years, blockbuster movies will only be for entertainment. I expect you to differ from your dad's movie tastes and actually look for substance, plot, and character development in movies.

Reading is a must. I started off with Harry Potter, but you can choose whatever you want. Comic books, manga, heck, even Twilight, as much as I'd hate that As long as you're reading, I'm happy.

Grades, grades, grades. Anything bellow C is unnaceptable. You fail a test, you are grounded. Yes, education is important and you must put an effort into it, for it will help you out in the future.

You're not getting a cell phone until you're at least eleven.
Your boyfriend/girlfriend can come over and you can go in your room together, just keep the door open.
If you're going to do it, wait until I'm out of the house and use protection. I don't want any surprise grandkids.
Under no circumstances are you ever, ever getting a spray tan/using a tanning bed.
If you want to go to a rock show, just ask. Don't sneak out with your friends.