Rules For Your Unborn Child

Don't do stupid shit.
Seriously.

-Never let someone talk bad about your family. I don't care if it's true or not, you put that person in their fucking place.

-I don't care if your views are different from mine, if you're gay, or anything like that. You're my baby and I love you.

-You will be tolerant of other people and their views. Intolerance will not be tolerated in my house.

-I won't be mad if you drink or smoke. I did the same thing. I'd rather buy your shit than have you get it from someone you hardly know. And chances are, I'll have some for myself anyhow.

-No sneaking out--you have a house key for a reason. Let me know where you're going, who you're with, how long you'll be gone, and you're free to go.

-I was a teenager once, too. And I probably did worse than you. So if I say no, there's a damn good reason behind it, because I'll hardly ever say no.

-I'm driving. I dictate what's on the radio. End of story.

-I may be unbearable, but I'm your mom, and I love you more than anything else.

No scene culture. I MEAN IT!

And if it's a boy, pull your pants up. No one wants to see your underwear. Pants should fit properly and above your butt.

Please don't stick that in your nose.

Absolutely no motorcycles.

No computers in your room. Certainly no webcams. I WILL NOT BE THE NEXT FATHER SLAUGHTER!

If you get her pregnant, you'd better have a ring.

You come out first, you're getting named Wedding.


You will not go by a shortening of your name. If you don't like your name, you're going with your second.

Yes, I will embarrass you occasionally.
Yes, in front of your friends and boy/girlfriend.
Because I'm your mom, that's why.

You will be incredibly well read.

idioglossia.:

- Enjoying reading does not make you a loser.

- Carpe diem. Life's too damn short.

- You are in no place to discriminate or judge, so don't.

- Be yourself. If they won't accept you, then to hell with them. Find people who will, they're your friends.

- And trust me hon, you WILL listen to my headphones blasting Linkin Park when you're in Teh Womb of Doomb, and you WILL like them, and you WILL be a fan. Or you shall suffer. Love mommy.

- You're being given crayons as soon as you can make a fist. You're not to put them in any orifices.

- I don't really care if you're straight or gay or pan or bi or confused.

- If you sneak off to a concert, I'll kill you for not taking me with you. Unless I don't like the band, then I'll just kill you for sneaking off.

- Please don't have sex under my roof. And if you do have sex, use protection. I'm not going to have my kid on Teen Mom.

- Yes, you will wear makeup if you're a girl. Yes, mommy's gonna teach you.

- You're going to speak German. You will be bilingual. You will learn it at home, and you will deal with it.

- I don't care if you don't like your name. Or if you don't like having two middle names.

- So long as I'm the driver, you'll live with whatever music I play in the car.

- You will drive stickshift. No arguments.

- If I say no to a piercing, it's probably because it'll look bad on you. But if you want it anyway, you wait until you're out from under my roof to get it. Any other piercings I approve of, you have to be at least sixteen to get them. And, yes, I'll take you and pay for it.

- If you want a tattoo, you're going to think about it for a long time. Nothing spur of the moment. Nothing on a whim. A month is not a long time. Six months is not a long time. I'll take you, but I'm probably not going to pay for it.

- I'm going to teach you to walk in high heels (if it's a girl). And I mean high. Mommy wore six inch heels when she was sixteen, so can you.

You will watch the Dead Poet's Society.
You will love it.
You will cry.
You will let it's message set in.

- You're not allowed to smoke. Ever.

- You're not allowed to do drugs. Ever.

- You're not going to drink underage. I don't care if all the kids are doing it. You're not. I am absolutely not going to let you do that and do stupid drunken underage things, especially drive home drunk or get in a car with a drunk driver.

You will be extremly educated.
Use proper English.
No scene style or ned style.
Do well in school.

Don't throw away your education for your social life.

if you rob a place, do it the right way
Examples
Right way:you rob a store
Wrong way:you rob a police station
Never, i mean never lt your Aunt Katie cook unless you want the house to burn down.
Never, let you Aunt Katie have any sugar, cuz the next thing you know, she'll be planning world domianate with your Aunt Selena and her army of evil blue invisible vampire bunnies.

You aren't allowed to date until your about 56. Maybe, your father/mother and I will go easy on you and lower the age to 54. No exceptions

You shall never throw away coffee. You throw away useful coffee, I throw you away.

At the age of two, I shall show you how to operate a coffee machine. Sometimes, I won't get up to make so; that is where you come in. If you do not make coffee when your father/mother and I can't, your Game Boy will dissapear in thin air.

I will embarrass you in front of everyone, even the family dog. I am going to be one of those mothers that carries photo albums of you in your younger years, butt naked.

If you want a tattoo, you can but on one condition; I must choose what it is and where t goes. I might choose a tattoo that says "Call me for a good time" and then your phone number, and it might get tattooed on your bum. No questions asked; you don't want it there, you don't get a tattoo until you get a job and earn your own damn money.

When you get married, I'm gonna get drunk off my ass and pull out your baby pictures, just to show you that I can still embarrass you, even in my aging years.

You must love Frerard and praise it. If you don't, well then, I'll slap you.

You must respects lesbians/gays/transsexual's/drag queens. etc..

And don't forget, I luff you.

I'm here to answer all your questions and help you solve your problems. I am not here to judge you.

jurini.:

If you join Mibba and kill WAYT, I will try to revive it, but no promises. You better do the same thing for me.

If you have questions, don't hesitate to ask me. Unless it's about sex and/or boys. Find someone else.

"Shotgun" solves any fights over the front passenger seat. It shall only be said once we leave the house/building/enter the parking lot. Any time before that, and you're disqualified.

My arm is not a rabbit named Fluffy, nor is my face. My hair is not a rabbit named Bob.

Yes, Aunt Madison has multiple issues and possible schizophrenia. Just smile and wave, or stay near me.

EDIT: If I give you a Welsh name no one can pronounce, or I give you the name "Brfxxccxxmnpcccclllmmnprxvclmnckssqlbb11116", you will deal with it. Even if I can't pronounce Llwyrddyddwg.

Brfxxccxxmnpcccclllmmnprxvclmnckssqlbb11116? are you serious?
btw, i'm not possiblily schizophrenia! (Voice in head: yes you are Me: shut up!)

Understand that there is a difference between needing and wanting. There is always somebody less fortunate than you.

Alexander Gaskarth.:

You're not getting a cell phone until you're at least eleven.
Your boyfriend/girlfriend can come over and you can go in your room together, just keep the door open.
If you're going to do it, wait until I'm out of the house and use protection. I don't want any surprise grandkids.
Under no circumstances are you ever, ever getting a spray tan/using a tanning bed.
If you want to go to a rock show, just ask. Don't sneak out with your friends.

As soon as you can sit up and focus on things for longer than two seconds, you can sit on Daddy's knee and Mommy will show you how to work a computer.
Daddy and I will teach you to play at least one instrument, whether you like it or not. Just not the recorder.
You will be brought up to appreciate the vocal talents of Bruno Mars, and you will like it.
You will have a Tumblr as soon as you can type real words. Mommy will help with pictures and Daddy will help with spelling.
You'll be a good kid, and if anyone says anything about your family, true or not, punch them in the face.
And always remember I love you. I know, I'm your mom, it's gross, but whatever. It's true.

pray like crazy, baby.

Fight for the things you want.