Story Review Thread

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juno.:

Title:
I like the title, it's cute and not too long or too short.

Layout:
The layout is lovely. The colors are really nice too, in contrast with each other. The purples and the whites are lovely.

Summary:
I love the summary. I always love quoets or lyrics for summarys.

Chapter two:

And then the twinkle the witch would get in her eyes when she knew a secret... the way her gnarled hands expertly weaved a strand of dried onion-grass. - There shouldn't be dots, it should be a comma instead.

I really like the first paragraphy, it's well written.

I also really love the third paragraphy, it's amazing and how you describe things, just blows me away.

As Violet entered the house once again, she laid the cotzu feather carefully on the table, arranging it perfectly. Like a welcoming gift. There should be a comma after perfectly.

I feel some of your paragraphs are too long. You could have broken them down in a lot of places. No one likes big chunks of endless writing.

but here... there was only night. Again, you could have used a comma instead of the dots. The dots aren't needed.


“Get away from there!” Came a muffled shriek, and then a cough. Violet's head quickly turned to stare into the shadows, her eyes meeting with those of an old woman. “Stay away from there, child!” The hag shouted again, her white hair blowing in a sudden breeze, along with a battered black cloak that hung around her wide shoulders
“Get away from there!” Came a muffled shriek, and then a cough.

Violet's head quickly turned to stare into the shadows, her eyes meeting with those of an old woman.

“Stay away from there, child!” The hag shouted again, her white hair blowing in a sudden breeze, along with a battered black cloak that hung around her wide shoulders. I should be written like that to avoid big chunks of writing.

'The hag' is used too much. Try other names.

She lives... lived on the edge of Felbourne, in the great marshes.” It would be better written like, She lives... lived," she corrected. "On the edge of Felbourne, in the great marshes.”

Overall:
It's very nicely written and described but you could have used a lot more dialouge. You could have also spaced out the paragraphs a bit better. But I did enjoy it, it was lovely.

Stay Strong, please.

Claimed :3 Reviewed

Le.Elle:

Title:
I really like your title. To say the least it's rather short, but it gets to the point, expressing your summary quite well.

Layout:
The layout in itself is very easy on the eyes. A very mellow expression to it. There's also the banner which very openly expresses the relationship shared between these brothers, in both picture and paper.

Summary:
The summary is very fascinating. Summing up the characters lives in a nutshell and leaving the reader to think what else could happen in their lives, drawing them in, as you did me.

Introduction/Chapter 2:

"He shut his eyes, listening to the soothing sound of the rain beating of the windows."
I was assuming that would be on. Simple typo. :3

"Jacob opened his eyes, he turned around to have a peek out the window and listen to lovely echo of the rain to block out the frightening shrieks coming from below them, but it was no use, he still couldn’t block out the noise."
The beginning seemed a little off to me. Perhaps something like: "Jacob opened his eyes and turned..." One thing I saw was the use of tenses. Make sure to keep in tense, such as changing "listen" to "listened. Insert "the" between to and lovely.

"Aaron’s shoulders twitch."
Just another tense. "Twitch" to "twitched".

That's the biggest problem. Nothing that can't be fixed easily. Your characters have a lot of a voice in your characters. The plot in general is quite exciting because you're traveling in the footsteps of two trouble kids, and speaking in human terms, people are emotionally drawn towards those that are less capable to take care of others, which is why I feel I am that more compelled towards your story.

The first chapter, the thing I first saw was what had been located under your banner. I loved your concept of placing the ending sentence at the beginning. The flashback was a great effect towards your story.

Overall:

As the sub-title says, over all, I think your story was wonderful. The pained feelings of that of two boys suffering through a great deal. It must be difficult for them as it is basically presented by the tears they are shedding. You are very talented writer. Keep up the wonderful work!

Oopsie DX Phantasmagoria :3 Any.

^ Claimed Reviewed

honey.:

Summery, title, layout

The title drew me in. It is a simple, one-worded title, but really means something. As for the summery, I feel that it could be split up to make two paragraphs, instead of making it one giant paragraph.

The layout, and the banner were beautiful! And I am not saying that because I like purple; they are both truly wonderful! The only thing that bugged me about the layout was the line spacing. The closeness of the lines make the content a little hard to read, in my opinion.

Prologue:

I feel, that since the prologue is in a poem sort of form, that there should be commas in some places where there are periods. But I love the fact that you did have a poem for the prologue. It is new and nice to see!

Chapter one:

The beginning, to me, made me feel like the story starts out in a Victorian time. But as I read further, I found that it is set in the present.

Oh!” He gasped, and I jumped and leaned into the phone more.
I feel that this sentence should be split up into two sentences. When combined into one sentence, it seems awkward to read; the flow of the sentence seems off.

I had wool pulled over my eyes when I was small.
I do not quite understand this sentence. In the paragraph, you are talking about Hunter, and then this sentence appears. After reading the same paragraph over a few times, I can sort of understand why it was there, but I think that it doesn’t completely belong where you have placed it.

Today was particularly sunny, but it was a beautiful day with the sweeping of the wind brushing across my face.
This sentence seems… off to me. It is a beautiful line, don’t get me wrong, but something about it seems weird to me. I think it might be that you have sweeping and brushing so close together. I feel, that in this sentence, you were trying to cram too much description into one sentence.

I love the awkwardness between Odessa and her father. With all the nervousness, and awkwardness between them made it that much more realistic. Also, with that short conversation, I could see that their relationship was rather close. Closer than her and her mother’s.

You have put in a wonderful amount of detail, but I feel that in some places, it is just too much. I read some detail on things that I felt didn’t need to have that much detail. For example, I felt that the first paragraph kept going on with what the morning was, etc. But that much detail is good, but it can also bore readers.

Overall:

Your story has a wonderful beginning. I love how all of the characters seem really thought out. I am still a little unsure about the plot, but I guess you cannot reveal what it is in the first few chapters. I have really enjoyed reading this story!

Bewitch, please.

Claimed it. (: Finitoh! :D

Quote

Story Review Game

Title:

When I read the title of your story, the movie Bewitched popped into my head. By reading the title I easily figured that the story is about witches or something of the sort. It's not very creative, but I don't really know how creative you could get while pertaining to the subject.

Layout:

The layout is gorgeous! The banner/picture is beautiful and mesmerising. The background goes well with the picture. The layout just emanates of something wonderously magical. I love it! Plus, the fact that I can actually make out what I'm reading is a bonus. ;)

Summary:

The summary is intriguing. I'm wondering who "the witch" is and what happened to Daniel. It was well written. It gave enough information to interest the reader, but not too much so that it gave the whole plot of the story away. It definitely got me interested and curious to know what will happen.

Prologue:

The ice cold air nipped at the witch’s pale skin as she walked with her head held high through her ice palace.
I like the first sentence, but it sounds too wordy. Maybe play around with the words a bit and rearrange them differently.

The high walls around her had been crafted from freshly fallen snow, and tightly packed together.
I don't think you need the and in this sentence. It flows nicely without it, but maybe you prefer to have it.

The first paragraph painted the image of the White Witch from The Chronicles of Narnia series in my head. I don't know if that's what you were going for, but I pictured the palace as the White Witch's ice castle in the movie.

The second paragraph describing the witch wasn't what I expected. Her description, to me, sounds like she is a fragile girl. But maybe I'm wrong about her, I'll just have to read and see.

So far, I've come to the conclusion that the witch is very high up on the society poll and she believes it as well. She seems self-important.

The contrast between Esmeralda and Jasmine, I believe, shows the difference in their social status. Esmeralda is described to be wearing a dress and slippers. Jasmine is wearing common day clothing and nothing on her feet. This shows the blatant difference in their social standing. Esmeralda is something along the lines of a princess or a queen. Jasmine is a lowly servant or companion that is comfortable with the witch and quite possibly a friend.

Esmeralda bowed back to her. “Please Jasmine. Do not call me ‘Ms’. You make me feel older than I already am.”
This shows that Esmeralda isn't as cold as people assume witches to be, as I assumed the witch to be. She acts kindly towards Jasmine, which leads me to believe they are closely acquainted. When the witch tells Jasmine not to call her Ms. because it makes her feel older, it makes me wonder just how old Esmeralda is.

The paragraph describing Sophia made me smile because it reminded me of myself. Whenever I'm reading a book I'm exactly like her. I sit there and focus all my attention on the book. (:

“Her twentieth birthday is drawing near. In a few days past, she will be stricken with the change.”
When I read the change, I immediately thought that Sophia would become a witch as well. I don't know if I'm correct, but that's my guess. Hopefully, I'll find out.

However, she was a remarkable exception. Instead of changing into an ugly beast, her cursed appearance was beautiful.
When reading this I asked myself, "why is Jasmine an exception?" I also wondered what sort of ugly beast they were talking about. I'm starting to think that Jasmine and her sister are not witches, or in Sophia's case, going to be a witch. I just made a connection that maybe Sophia and Jasmine are part of the Berkley family that was cursed. I also figured out that it was Esmeralda who cursed the Berkley's; I had a hunch, but I knew for certain once I read the characters page. I'm curious about how the family became cursed. When I think of beast I imagine the Beast from Disney's Beauty and the Beast. I think Sophia will be cursed with the appearance of beauty like her sister, but I could be wrong.

“But just as you, she will have the lust to kill.” Esmeralda laughed. “Just as the rest of the family.”
This made me jump to the assumption that maybe the family has transformed into vampires. Or maybe even werewolves. I think I jumped to those two fantasy creatures because they're the most common, but for all I know they could be sprites or gnomes. Obviously Esmeralda doesn't feel guilty about the fact that she made the family what they are. I also think that Esmeralda possibly took Jasmine in because of the fact that she is an exception to the curse. Maybe it's all a part of a bigger plan the witch has. Or maybe I'm thinking too far into things, hahaha! XD

Overall:

I enjoyed reading this. You're obviously a talented writer. You're good with descriptions and dialogue, balancing them out. The imagery is lovely and paints a clear picture for the reader. This is only the prologue and it's very good so I'm positive that an actual chapter of the story will be magnificent. I like your writing style. I don't know what it is about it, but it's definitely got something special. I envy you, but in a good way. (:
You're a great writer. Keep it up.

Phew, I cut it close to the two hour deadline.
Please review the second chapter of Kind of Girl. It's a songfic. Also, a contest entry. Thanks. (:

^ Claimed. Reviewed!

florence:

The lady I had arranged my flight with had said that Sunday was the least busiest day at the airport, I did not want to know what a busy day looked like.
You use the word "had" here twice when I think it would flow better if you took the second one out.

I blew out a huge sigh of relief that I was no longer inside the chaotic airport crawling with humans.
This sentence sounds awkward. Maybe change it to: I blew out a huge sigh of relief, thankful that I was no longer inside the chaotic airport crawling with humans.

I walked through the glass doors into the quiet, air conditioned building. I walked up to the lady at the front desk
You say "I walked" at the beginning of both these sentences. Use some more word variety like "stepped" or "approached".

“Ms. Andrew, if you’ll just follow me outside to your rented car.” she walked around the front desk with her arm outstretched in the direction she was going.
Wait, why is the lady at the desk taking her to the car? Shouldn't that be someone elses job?

She stopped in front of a pearl 2010 Volkswagen GTI and pulled out a pair of keys from her jacket pocket. I gasped, marveling at the car.
Where'd the desk lady get those keys? Does she just carry them all in her pockets?

I turned the key in the ignition, revving the car to life and smiled at the purr of the engine.
"Smiled" should be "smiling" here.

“Your welcome. Enjoy your stay in the Golden State.”
It's "You're welcome" with an apostrophe.

I tried my best to find their address a phone number, anything to stay in contact, but I was unsuccessful.
This sentence didn't really make sense to me. Maybe add a comma or two there at the beginning to spread it out?

It would be easy to forgive him once he looked at me with sincerity in his big brown eyes as he apologized and rambled off excuses and reasons for not trying to remain in touch.
This part doesn't flow too well, I'd suggest cutting it into two different sentences.

I was a sucker and I knew I would cave easily, maybe even forgive him right on the spot with no guilt trip.
A sucker? A sucker of what? Blood? xD

Whatever his reason, I knew it wouldn’t matter to me because he would be with me once again, and I loved him too much to be mad at him.
I especially love this section for some reason. It flows really well and it's really sweet.

The only flower I could recognize is the helianthus annuus, better known as the sunflower.
Change the "is" to 'was" for correct tense.

She walked around the island and opened a cupboard pulling out three mugs.
There should be a comma after cupboard.

there were no other openings so I was forced to rise before the sun this morning.
Change "this" to "that" for correct tense.

I smiled at the fact that their preferences for coffee hadn’t changed, neither had mine.
"AND neither had mine" would flow much better.

My body was shaking violently from the cold. It was so cold. I couldn’t feel anything except for the cold swallowing me whole. I didn’t like the feeling. I didn’t know why I was so cold all of a sudden.
Woah woah woah. This got so dramatic all of the sudden, I find myself thinking... what is this girl's problem? Is she seriously fainting? Maybe tone down a bit on the drama and the mention of how "cold" it was.

Ian’s no longer here.
Change this to "Ian was no longer there" for proper tense.

I squeezed my eyes shut trying to stop the spinning.
There should be a comma after shut.

I no longer felt the cold. It melted away and was replaced by a delicious warmth. My body quickly devoured the warmth, needing to feel something that was so much more pleasurable than the feeling of ice. The warmth consumed my body, warming me to the very core. This feeling was better than the feeling of the cold. This feeling made me never want to be cold ever again.
You talk about the cold and the warmth way too much here. It's extremely dramatized and almost painful to read it over and over.

Something red darted out in front of my eyes before hiding in the black. It darted out again, racing past me and then disappearing in the black.
I really liked this part -- it's so mysterious and enchanting.

The color was very bright, in fact, it was blinding. I squeezed my eyes shut trying to block out the color, but it only made the color seem much more brighter.
You use the word color a bit too much here. Try other words!

I frustratingly opened my eyes
How can you frustratingly open your eyes..? I would suggest using a different adverb.

The wind blew, swaying the foxtails, and carrying a strange sound. I looked around once again and saw a dark figure far out across the field. Strangely, I didn’t feel scared. I slowly started walking towards the dark figure, unafraid of the fact that we were the only two out in the field, at least as far as I could see. I kept on walking closer, but I couldn’t make out anything. It seemed as if no matter how much I walked the figure remained far off in the distance. The wind blew again, carrying the same sound. The sound of someone’s voice. I listened carefully, hoping to hear what the wind had to say.
This whole section was really lovely, probably my favorite part.

They sighed deeply as they sung, so deeply as if their sigh was actually the wind.
Beautiful.

The sun’s rays shifted around the figure as they turned in my direction. The figure started walking towards me so I started to walk towards the figure.
Again, try using different words besides figure.

I was surprised that I could move forward, but that also frightened me because what if Ian was no longer close by.
This sentence sounds completely awkward. You're combining a statement and a question together. Maybe split this up so you can use correct punctuation.

I turned to look at him, not noticing his presence before.
I think this would flow much better if you said "not noticing his presence until now."

“You must be starving, it’s nearly dinner time. I’ll go and make us all some dinner to eat.” Mrs. Davis said leaving the room.
There should be a comma after said.

“Ian, I will never forget you.” I mumbled to myself, hoping that maybe the wind would carry it to the field he stood in.
I really loved this sentence, it's magical.

He was singing to me not to the wind.
This is also a lovely sentence, but you're missing a comma after "me".

Love, Ian.
Written for a special kind of girl, my girl, Elsey Andrew.
I really really loved the ending to this. Even though some things were slightly unbelievable, and the emotion jumped around a lot, I really enjoyed this. It was brilliant.

EXTRA TIP:
I felt like giving you an extra tip for your writing, since I noticed this a lot throughout the story. You tend to start almost every sentence with the word "I". This is actually very common, but as a writer it's best to avoid doing this. Try changing up your word choice and starting sentences in different ways -- and your writing will flow so much better.

Please review chapter three of Pearl of the Stars.

Claimed

Haylien226:

Title: Quite interesting as it doesn’t really give anything away. Sounds strangely mystical

Summary: I would have liked a bit of a summary just so that I had an inkling of what the story was about. I did like the lyrics you used, though.

Layout: Very elegant and easy to read the text. Combined with the banner, it gave quite a mysterious first impression. I felt myself imagining a strange fog or something similar.

Chapter 3: I like how you give the impression of description, without actually giving too much description. (Upon re-reading that sentence, it doesn’t make much sense, but I am not sure how else to word it.)

Your description of the book gave me a very vivid image of what it looks like and you did not go into too much detail, as many people (myself included) may have been tempted to do.

The language used in both the narration and the dialogue gives the story an “old” feel – as if it was set a long time ago – but it still feels quite timeless.

Violet did not even allow her gaze to settle on the fountain this time, running past it swiftly and leaping over the wall that divided the darkness from the light. This line really stood out to me as it showed that Violet had her mind set on her goal and that she was leaving behind the safety of the light and stepping into the darkness of the war.

She would live until the day she died. I found this to be a very interesting line with which to close the chapter. It was very effective in making me want to read more and it also showed Violet’s determination.

Overall: Thoroughly enjoyable and interesting story. Very well written. Made me want to know more and see what happens next, which is exactly what a good story should do.

Well done.

In regards to the author’s note, I think that you had a very well-balanced amount of dialogue and narration and they both served their purpose in getting the story across.

I apologise for this not being a very long and detailed review, but I was not sure what else to write.

I would like it if you could review this for me. It would really help me to improve it if I do decide to continue and make it into a longer story.

Claimed.
Done.

broadway.:

Story Review Game

Personally, I didn’t find anything in your summary that sparked my interest or propelled me to read any further. To be honest, if I had stumbled across this on my own, I probably wouldn’t read it. You need to make your summary more interesting. The summary is the first thing that your reader will see - so you need to spin in an interesting way. For your story, for example, instead of introducing right away that her husband is in a gang, you should’ve just hinted around that his job was difficult for her to deal with, etc…

The names Annie.
- Right from the get-go, you’ve got a mistake. Name’s.

From the first paragraph I can tell that, by the type of language and diction that you’re using, you’re going for an old-time feel. Like those black and white detective movies, for example. Which is fine.

As for the actual plotline of the first chapter - I think it’s an… interesting idea. Definitely different. I don’t know if it’s something that I’d continue to read and keep track of, but I mean, it wasn’t something that stuck in my mind.

I met him a few years ago in club where I was a dancer.
- Overall, I liked your description of how Annie and Johnny first met, but I feel like there was so much more that could’ve been added. I would have loved to have Annie explain what first attracted her to Johnny. Was it his looks? His charm? What made him so incredibly irresistible to her? How long did they date before they got married? Little things like that about their relationship - that’s what I want to know.

I refused to be just a pretty little ornament on my husband’s arm.
- You’ve quickly developed the character of Annie, which is good. You know that she’s the type of woman who wants to work for herself. Who wants to feel a sense of accomplishment - that’s tells us a lot about her.

I was a little scared of getting caught.
- I feel like, towards the end, you had so much opportunity to instil a little fear in us readers. Tell us of the consequences. What would happen if her husband or her employer found out she was posing as a man? How would this change her relationship with Johnny? More description in the fear she was feeling would have been nice as well.

In regards to your Author’s Note, I believe if you make some tweaks to the story, you should continue on with the story. Like I said, it’s definitely a different idea. A few tweaks with the description and you should be fine. I’d also recommend a beta reader to get rid of all those nit picky little grammar mistakes that I came upon. There wasn’t enough that would distract a reader from the story, but they are there.

Uhm, let's see, you can pick through anything that catches your interest. But if you'd rather not do that, you can pick between these two:
Wild At Heart
His Favourite Part
I'm personally thinking about discontinuing both of them, but we'll see.

Claimed. Reviewed!

.:

Story Review Game

Title
It's a good title. It doesn't give away a lot, but the reader can conjecture that someone in the story is going to be a reckless, wild person.

Summary
Personally, I prefer summaries that give you some kind of introduction to the story, and I didn't get that at all from the summary. It's a nice line (lyrics, I'm guessing?), but I would've liked something that let me know whether or not it's something I'd want to read. I think you need something that draws the readers in more and makes them want to keep reading.

Layout
I like the layout very much! It's very unique from anything that I've seen, and the picture is quite adorable. The only thing I dislike is that the title isn't anywhere on the page. Also, there seems to be a large gap between the top of the page and the story area. It just seems kind of odd.

Chapter One
I love the character's names. Ben and Chloe are two of my absolute favorite names, and I don't know if they're a couple yet, but they sound very nice together.

She had not expected him to get quite this drunk - I think that using 'had not' instead of 'hadn't' kind of messes with the flow of the paragraph.

“I can’t get you up these stairs by myself. You have to cooperate with me. Even just the tiniest bit. I can’t do this by myself.” - This feels repetitive because she says that she can't get him up these stairs by herself and then she can't do this by herself. Maybe eliminate one.

His head lolled on her shoulder and Chloe rolled her eyes. - Needs a comma before and.

...between Chloe’s thin lips as... - I like how you pointed out that she has thin lips. The media often suggests that lips like Angelina Jolie's are what you need to be beautiful, so I like that Chloe strays from that.

Together, they stumbled through the upstairs hall and Chloe managed to get into his bedroom. - Same thing with the comma.

She traced her fingers along his bare chest up to his temple. - This sentence just seems kind of weird, and it's hard to picture as the chest and temple aren't very close.

“You know, Benjamin Walters,” she murmured to the silence. “You might actually be worth my time.” - I think the ending to the first part was perfect. It definitely makes the reader want to know what's going to happen next beteween them.

Overall
I think this is a wonderful start. It's a little short, but I think that you should seriously considering continuing this story. The characters of Chloe and Ben are both endearing in their own right: Chloe for being so nice to Ben and because you can feel that she cares about him; and Ben just comes off as naturally endearing, I think. It's very impressive that you can already make the readers feel for the characters in such a short introduction.

I think it'll be very interesting to see how Chloe and Ben's relationship is when he's sober. Great job so far.

Please review any chapter of Something We've Lost or chapter 22 of The Only Exception.

I'll just Claim the one above me

juno:

EDIT!
Title:
I like it's good and suits the story but it would be better if you didn't shorten the words and said We Have

Layout:
It's nice and simple. Not too hard on the eyes.

Summary:
It's a good length and didn't gave away too much detail about the story.

Chapter one:
The lights of Baltimore gleamed below the airplane as it soared towards Baltimore Washington International Airport This didn't flow well with the two Baltimore's. Try leaving out the first one and just saying 'The lights gleamed below the...

To Jack, they looked like the small dots of a Lite Brite toy— What's a lite brite? Maybe you should have put that in the author's notes or something.

"Fuck you," he frowned at the lights. Why is he suddenly so angry? This ruins the flow of the first paragraph tbh.

"'Hear hear'?" Alex repeated. Shouldn't there be a comma between the two hears?

"I was reading Harry Potter yesterday," admitted Jack in an almost embarrassed fashion. It would sound better if you said Admitted Jack, almost embarrassed. Fashion doesn't go well here.

Alex inquired as he buckled his seat belt. Inquired sounds too formal for this context. It is okay to use but it doesn't go together well.

But that didn't mean that he liked talking or thinking about her either. They had grown up together, in a sense. They had gone through the awkward years of puberty together; they had braved all of their homecomings and proms together; they had studied for the ACTs and SATs together; and Aspen had been at every one of All Time Low's early shows, just like Jack had gone to all of her soccer games. She had been such a big part of his life, and then she had just let him go.
I really like this paragraphy, it flows together nicely and it's the best out of the whole chapter.

There shouldn't be any pressure for him to move on though.
A comma should be put in before though.

He turned up the radio as he started driving, not even caring that the radio stations in Baltimore never played anything good.
There's too much stuff about music in this part, it all seems a bit much.

"Nah," Jack countered, "I mean, she lives in Connecticut now." His ears popped. His ears popping there seems a bit random. He's speaking and you would expect it to say 'he said' or something. I just think it sounds silly.

Jack added as they reached the front of the plane and Zack, Rian, and Matt joined them. Who are all these guys?! It sounds stupid the way they just kind of appeared there...

Overall:
I liked it overall. Despite the few errors, you did a good job. Personally I don't like All Time Low or fan fiction but it was a good story, well done

Split, please.

^ Your review needs to be more detailed.

Story/Review Game:

I thought your summary really grasped what most high school seniors thought about. I know I sure did, I didn’t want to leave high school, but I knew I had no choice. High school is a place where teens can find who they are, and you captured that feeling all over again it made me smile. I’m usually not a fan of high school stories, I only written one, but I would really like to see where this goes. I thought the last sentence of the summary made sense with the story’s title.

From the banner, I believe this is an All Time Low fic, I’m sorry I’m not familiar with that band, but I liked how you started this story out with them on a plane. Also, you showed some character as well when he couldn’t get the patterns right in the clouds and he got angry. To me that showed little things can get to him easily.

“Does it make me a douche that I really don't want anybody that knows us to be at the airport?” he asked.

I got what you were trying to say, but this was so awkward to read. You have unimportant words that make this sentence to jammed. It sounds unrealistic and I could never picture a guy in a band to even say something like this. Try, Do you think I’m a douche for not wanting people to know we’ve come back. Something like that, I tried my best to match what he originally said.

But I do like Jack and Alex’s interaction with each other. I could tell they were best friends from their actions and that seemed realistic to me. I love reading bromances in stories whether it be in original or fan fiction.

“You ever worried we're going to run into people we knew in high school?”
“Nah,” Jack countered, “I mean, she lives in Connecticut now.” His ears popped.

I liked the added humor during this part. I thought it was funny how Alex asked Jack a simple general question about their old classmates, and Jack’s mind automatically goes to Aspen. How cute, but I felt that she kind of hurt him as well in someway, I thought that was interesting.

I liked how Jack was in denial when the rest of his band mates were talking about his relationship with Aspen, his reaction was what any normal guy would do, I would think, but I couldn’t tell that they graduated from high school four years because of how they acted and talked. At some points it was annoying, but understandable at the same time.

No, Jack didn't love Aspen anymore. There were times that he missed her, as well as times that he hated her. She was just like any other person from his past; a ghost now, really.

I really liked this line. It summed up most relationships as well as the line about Jack not trusting him with his head. This story isn’t the most descriptive for me, like I said before I didn’t know much about All Time Low and it was really hard for me to get a image of these guys. You didn’t describe anything that would differ who these guys were. You mentioned a lot that Jack liked music, well he is in a band and such, so that was kind of given. Another issue I had with this was the dialogue; some parts didn’t make sense and sounded very unrealistic to what people would actually say. But other than that, I really want to know what happened between Aspen and Jack I believe that was the whole premise of the story, so I thought you ended it well with having us guess the outcome of the two.

--

Please read chapter one and two of Perfect Stranger. Thank you.

I edited my review twice and still got no review in return?

^. It's because it doesn't have the right requirements of this thread, go read the rules again.

Claimed. Reviewed

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Story Review Game

Before I say anything about the story itself. GASPARD!!!!

*serious face*

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Layout
Well, I can't say anything negative about the layout. It has my boyfriends face, and you can't go wrong with that. It's plain, the font is easy to read. Simple colors, I have no complaints.

Summary
I found three errors, but I'll get to them in a bit.

It reminds me of a documentary, and while that's great for a summary or whatever I really hope that's not how the rest of the story is written. I don't believe it is so I won't say anything further on it. But if it is, there's really no way to get much emotion with that type of narration. Sooo yessum.

Okay, so what I noticed in the spelling/grammar bits.

The story in which you are about to read is an account of the tragedy which befell Samantha Greene and her invalid brother, Frank. Simple, add a comma after tragedy.

. For Samatha and Frank an idyllic summer move to a new neighborhood became a nightmare. a. You misspelled Samantha. And this sentence, made little sense to me. I think you're either missing a word or just misspelled something.

Part I

It's strange, I've seen way too many horror movies for my own good and yet I've never seen the Texas Chainsaw Massacre. I am now adding that to my list.

I LOVE that this is a historical fiction. [or rather that it's set sometime other than now.] The early seventies/late sixties are an era in which I would love to live. So I'm very excited on how you portray it. If you add anything about Woodstock, even though that's past but since I'm assuming these characters are adults, or young adults they probably either heard of it or experienced. I'm blabbing.

That first paragraph sets the scene perfectly. I totally imagine a sort of country side suburb. Somewhere much like where I grew up. In France, we had a lovely little house like the ones you describe. I'm curious as to where this is set now.

The homes widely spread out like icebergs in the middle of an ocean — waiting. This is my favorite line, the description in it is fantastic.

I know that Thin Lizzy, is an band from 1969 so I love that you use a band from the correct era. Rather than throwing like My Chemical Romance or something. They're also from Dublin, if I'm not mistaken. Obviously, music could've traveled over to the states or something but I'm going to assume this is in Ireland just because of the music. Correct me if I'm wrong.

The blood scene was grotesque. I was instantly reminded of a scene I read in one of Stephen King's books. I can't remember the title off the top of my head. But there was a scene of a dining room with just blood everywhere. He's excellent at describing scenes like that and so are you.

The blood coming down the stairs was probably my favorite description, it seemed so nasty and real to me. It makes you wonder either how many people died, or just how badly this person was wounded that caused that much blood.

Oh boy only two. I'm totally thinking of The Strangers now. That movie was fuckkked up. But the positioning and the nasty murder scene totally reminds me of that.

Overall for Part I

The scene of the crime was described exquisitely. I knew this was about a crime but I wasn't expecting the scene to be like it was. I wasn't even prepared to read about the crime scene, and while it's just the scenery and not the actual murder, it's icky. And very very realistic. Great imagery and description.

Part II

Plainfield where? Illinois? I totally live like fifteen minutes from there. WHERE THE EFF IS THIS?!

I love the way you created an atmosphere of apprehension and unfamiliarity. I keep getting reminded by movies from all your descriptions. This one reminded me of the Wicker Man. Just because it was kind of all foreign and like wtfffff?

I'm curious as to how old Frank is. I might have bypassed his age if you'd listed it before, but he sounds very much like a college student or teenage boy from the way he acts. I'm guessing Samantha is just probably out of college or something along those lines?

What happened to their parents I wonder?

Moving in always suck. I hate moving, I've done it three times. Why did they have to move? I'm curious, I know in the summary it says Frank was an invalid, so maybe he got kicked out or something? I don't know, I just keep talking and I can't seem to stop myself.

I really do enjoy what you have written here, and I believe just to see what's going to happen next I'll read the next chapter. And bother you until you update.

There were a few awkward sentences and minor spelling mistakes, I didn't bother pointing them out simply for that reason. But otherwise, very nicely done. :)

Hope this review suffices and gives you a good...review....

Any. No dribbles though.

juno.:

I edited my review twice and still got no review in return?

There isn't a reason to edit your review once you've been skipped. You'll have to claim the next story and give a proper review.

Claimed silk tea.
Done.

broadway:

Story Review Game:

I’ve never even clicked into this story before, so I figured that this would be the best one to review. And just because I like you, I’m going to review all four chapters - at least, that’s my intent. I do have a two hour limit.

First off, the layout is win. And the banner is gorgeous. I quite literally bow down to your banner skills. You’re like a ninja with photoshop… or whatever it is that you use.

Oh… I just realized that this is a co-write. Well, since you claimed it, I’ll review your chapters. I’ll still comment on the others, but I’ll get deeper into yours. Sounds good. And break!

Prologue:

The descriptions were flawless. I’ve got a clearly painted image of the room and the area in my head, which is always awesome. From the author’s note, I know that this is going to be the tale of our main character and her romance with Jake. I actually really love it when the first chapter is present time and the remaining chapters go back to tell the story of how they got there. I mean, I understand that it gives away the ending, but there’s still so much anticipation to see what happens and how they get through the trials together.

Chapter One:

Clearly, he didn’t understand that we had moved past the Stone Age by now.
- Sarcasm. I love it.

From the beginning few paragraphs, I can’t help but wonder how in the name of God, Jake and our main character get together. I don’t have any inkling right now, so it’s always good that you keep your readers guessing and trying to figure out what happens next.

You went through the motions of first arriving in the town very nicely. Just the right amount of home mixed with a dash of sarcasm. You can tell that our main character likes the place, but at the same time resents it for whatever reason.

Also, you two already seem to know exactly who your character is. You’re developing her wonderfully.

Chapter Two:

"Jackie," I chided playfully, "We all know the party doesn't start without me."
- It seems to me like Gemma is a very complex and many-sided character. In the first chapter I felt like I had a pretty good idea about what kind of girl she was. But reading through this chapter and the way that she interacts with Jackie, shows us a different side of her.

Chapter Three:

A lot of times, Jackie asked me what exactly I was afraid of, and I could never give her the answer.
- I really love how many sided Gemma is. Like I said before, it never seems like the readers know her completely. Which will make her falling in love and letting a guy get to know her all the more interesting/

It was always tough getting back in the body of Summer Gemma.
- I keep saying this but I actually am really starting to like Gemma. There are just so many sides to her! I find it intriguing that she has a Summer Gemma. How she puts on a confident front yet she’s so insecure that she has to create this demeanour for herself. There’s something so fragile and innocent about that.

Overall, I think you both have done amazing so far. And I have to admit, I love the fact that we’re four chapters in and there’s not even a hint of Jake. I think that some writers rely too much on their famous characters that they forget about the plot and just jump into the action. I like that you guys are taking the time to flesh out your plot and your characters as well.

Amazing, amazing job.

I hope that review was alright.
The chapters weren't all that long, so I tried my best to pick out something in every chapter

If You Knew Their Longing.
The first chapter is really short, so don't worry about an indepth review.
I mostly want to know your thoughts on what's written and if your interested in reading more and why

Claimed!

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Story Review Game

First off, I want to point out that that epic banner of yours is exactly that, epic. The picture is amazing to start and the color manipulation that went into just makes it extraordinary. You tie it in really well with the rest of the layout, and in all the presentation is beautiful.

I don't claim stories without reading the summaries first, to know if I'll actually be into them enough to give an honest review, and with yours, I was hooked by the end of the first sentence.

The first chapter was very short, but it left me thinking. A lot of people find themselves where Lily's at in it and I think you should have put a little more into it, elaborating on her feelings and expanding the idea a little more. A the same time, you got the point across.

She's unhappy and knows that she can't be happy where she's at in life, but at the same time, something keeps her there, despite the fact that she knows she should be gone.

I really like both chapter titles and love the gradient you use with them, it goes so well with the banner.

Wow. Chapter two, still very short, was powerful.

When the kid starts noticing something's up and starts asking questions, that's a terrifying moment for a parent in a crappy situation. I admire her for her strength in her explaination, though it's a half-lie. She reminds me of a friend of mine and how she deals with her children when they have questions that she can't answer entirely truthfully.

In all honesty, I would love for the chapters to be longer. I really enjoyed this story, despite how short it was, and hope to see much more from it in the future.

Quell That Rebel Yell
I know that it's long, and probably a little controversial... but don't worry about offending me in your review.
I want to know what you think.

^Claim

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Title: I like the assonance, and you used intriguing words, which drew me in. Your title chapter seemed a little too direct to me, however.

Layout: The layout is a little simple for my taste, it doesn't make the story pop. I think a nice patterned background image would help tremendously.

Summary: "Corruption and deceit, languages most often used between politicians, destroy a nation

You have unconnected clauses in your summary, and it's a run-on. Maybe something like "Corruption and deceit; the language used between politicians when they destroy a nation.The language used when 5,036 United States citizens and an entire town are literally wiped off the map due to a storm that the government could have warned them against."

I really like the introduction, highlighting those elements of your story, corruption and deceit, draws a reader in immediately. I did not, however, like the list of characters in your summary. You already have a character section, linking those images seems cluttered and out of place.

Chapter 1:Immediately in your first sentence, I notice linking verbs will be a problem in your story. Using words like am, is, are, was, were, has been, are being, might have been, etc, eliminates the action from your stories. Sometimes rewording the sentences can be difficult, but the entire chapter will read so much better.

I like the transition from the serene depiction of the afternoon rain, to the turmoil within the walls of a house. The foiling between such different things makes each stand out.

I don't understand your separation of paragraphs. For example,
"Her brown eyes are red and wide behind her glasses and, not for the first time, she's glad to have her transition lenses tinted from the light shining through the window, hiding the tears that she's afraid to let fall.

In her lap, her hands are shaking, her mind is racing and she cracks her knuckles to calm not only her hands, but her thoughts as well, to no avail."

Each of those paragraphs is just a single sentence, and they both deal with her emotions at the same period of time. I think it would be better if they were connected.

Here is a good example of excess words and linking verbs:
" Her hands tighten around each other and her heart is filled with a quiet loathing for her husband and what he is telling her."
This could be
"Her hands tighten around each other as her heart fills with a quiet loathing for her husband and what he tells her."

"That man is dead, a ghost of his past-long since quieted and shoved into the deepest corners of his mind, safely tucked away where it can no longer speak out and cause trouble for him."
I think the hyphen should be a comma.

" "I know it's hard that the job offer came from all the way across the country, but your father [ i]needs[/] this,"
forgot the i in your BBcode

I feel like when you transition to other places, you may consider starting a new chapter. If what you wrote about happened at the same time in each place, I would understand keeping the same chapter, but each town has it's own happenings at a different time.

"He pulled her into his arms and that night, they rid each other of their pesky virginity's that their friends had relentlessly picked on them for still having."
You can't connect two complete sentences with only a comma. You need a conjunction (and) or make them two separate sentences. Also, virginity's should be virginities- you're talking in the plural sense.

I love what you've done with the plot of this story. In a way, it reminds me of a big brother type thing like 1984, something you may consider alluding to? You're basically sending the same message, watch out for what our government can do, or in this case, not do. I like the allusion to Katrina and the bad after response, your story presents the next level- what if we were never warned in the first place?

One problem I do have, however, is the cliche characters of the children. In every story about corrupt politicians, there is the beautiful daughter who gets asked out by the perfect boy, and a pissed off son who hates who his father is. I feel like you need to give them something else to make them stand out, a unique trait. As your story progresses, I would definitely keep character development in mind so ensure the message of your plot is properly carried.

Overall, I think this story has great potential and with a little work I think you can take this a long way. Good luck!

What dreams may come I'm particularly looking for feedback on the choppy dream segments. =]

Claimed. (: Reviewed.

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Story Review Game

Title:

I adore the title. I can already assume that it has to do with someone dreaming or someone who is trying to fulfill their dream.

Layout:

The layout is beautiful. I absolutely love it! The colors match perfectly. The photo matches the background. Even the divider is lovely. It's amazing. If the title doesn't draw the reader in, I'm positive the layout will. (:

Summary:

I like the little excerpt of Hamlet. I haven't read much Shakespeare so I'm glad that you said the excerpt was specifically taken from Hamlet, because if otherwise I wouldn't of known.

By reading the summary I've gathered that this may be a sad story with possibly a hint of delusion on the character's part. I'm not sure, but I can't wait to find out.

Story:

The first paragraph is incredible. The imagery is great. And I like how you mentioned that he couldn't control his dreams, that he's powerless, because that is usually how dreams feel. They feel very real and when dreaming you can't control anything that goes on. So, maybe Christopher is used to being in control, to having power.

I'm guessing that the second paragraph is italicized because this is the part where he's dreaming. When I read the word troops, I assumed that he was dreaming of war, and the fact that he said, I march on, I also assumed that he's fighting in the war. I don't know if I'm correct, but I'll find out.

When he says he has the same dream every night I figured that to him the dream is possibly more of a nightmare. I'm also presumming that the war was the Vietnam War because it was the most traumatizing war and none of the troops came back the same. If I've got it right, then obviously Christopher is still haunted by his experience in the war.

When he's dreaming it sounds very real, like it should. He's watching himself as if he's standing far off, away from himself, so I think maybe he doesn't enjoy watching what he did. Maybe he regrets having to fight in the war. I've made the connection that when it says, darkness, that's when he awakes from the dream. It's a good way to describe waking up because that is exactly what happens when someone wakes from a dream. Darkness draws in, closing in until everything is black, and by reading how you describe his dreams I can tell that he's coming out of the dream.

He's really old and has grown tired over the years because of his dream. It's sad that he never gets any rest because once he drifts to sleep the dream consumes him.

I pray, someday soon, God stops my dreaming.
I think he might prefer death, if it means he will finally get to rest peacefully.

An iron gate, locked.
At first I thought he was describing a cemetery, but then I read the rest of the paragraph. I'm not sure what he's describing. Maybe a prison cell or a cage?

I've narrowed down my guesses to the Vietnam War or sometime including concentration/internment camps.

I scream, roll over, and prepare myself for sleep yet again.
The last line is very powerful. I feel awful for Christopher because he will forever be haunted by his dreams. He can't escape them even when he's awake. It's very realistic because this is the behavior of someone who has been traumatized. And the fact that he lost his hand is another reminder of the hell he's been through.

Overall:

You did an excellent job with the imagery of describing Christopher's dreams. You blended the dreams and reality well. I felt as if I was pulled into the dream with Christopher as well and cast back into reality too. I felt as if I was experiencing how Christopher felt. This is very well written and is well thought out. I can tell that you gave this a lot of thought and effort before finally posting it. You're a talented writer.

About the author's note, I've never read Hamlet, but I believe that you did an amazing job at capturing the emotions. You succeeded in what you were hoping for. (:

Please review, Inhaling Eradicants. I'd like to know if it makes sense to the reader.

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Story Review Game

Title - I really like the title. It catches the attention of the reader right away. I like short titles, and the ambiguity of it really works.

Layout - I have to say, I'm not a big fan of the right aligned layout. On some computers, it can really make the story hard to read. However, the colors are great, and I like the light text on the gray background. The picture is a little big, but that's just personal opinion. But the colors in it are so pretty and the effect is really nice; goes along with the whole feel of the story.

Summary - I really like the summary. The dictionary thing is something I've never used, and I really haven't seen it done a lot, but I like it. It gives it this nice feel. I like the introduction you've given us. It's short and sweet. Gets the job done. I've never read a story involving Marijuana use, so I'm definitely really interested now.

Chapter 1- Normally I'm not a big fan of "waking up" introductions, but this one really works. It's not a description of her morning or what she wore or ate or put on her feet. I like it.

“Really Trey, really?” she questioned sarcastically, multiple plans of executing her friend secretly plotting in her mind.

I think it should be "Really, Trey? Really?" right there, but other than that, I really like this sentence. In the last part, the wording is a little choppy, though. Maybe "secretly plotting the different ways she could execute her friend." I like that she lives with a boy though. A boy who's not her boyfriend or husband. That's really different. :D

She curled tighter, the sound of her whiny voice muffled from the blanket. “No! Go away and leave me be!”
I like this a lot, but her dialogue sounds just a little forced. From what I've gleaned so far, she's probably in her early twenties or late teens, and not a lot of people that age would say "leave me be". Maybe "leave me alone"? But I like the relationship that you've established so far with them. They really have a sweet kind of brother-sister thing going on, with him pestering her.

Oh, I think it's really cool that her name is Clyde. That's generally a boys name, but it works for her, for some reason. I like that you didn't give her a "boys name" just to be all rebellious (and if you did, I couldn't tell XD). Sometimes it can just seem silly, but this doesn't at all.

“You sure you don’t want any of this og kush? It’ll help with the hangover,” Trey stated, holding the blunt out to her.
The only thing that I could say here is that maybe not a lot of your readers would know what "og kush" is. (I had to google it. XD) Maybe offer an explanation of what it is in the dialogue or use a different term? But, I have to say, after finding out what it is, it makes you wonder how they afford it or if they're important. I like the detail of the name.

She breathed the THC into her lungs and let her mouth slack, the smoke pouring out like a waterfall.
Your descriptions are really, really nice, don't get me wrong, but for the type of story you seem to be setting up, some of your descriptions are a little.. unnecessarily poetic, if you get what I mean. The THC part is a little confusing. For someone who's not familiar with drug slang (me! XD) it's a little confusing at times. Maybe just replace THC with smoke?

Oliver laughed, “Of course I am! I ain’t no chump.”
I love this. I really really do. :D :D :D
I am a SUCKER for the use of "ain't" in dialogue. Just had to say that. XD

The rest of the chapter flows really, really well. I like the use of the flashbacks, you really incorporated them nicely. The dialogue is realistic, and I LOVE the use of the word "chump". It's really nice and gives us a nice picture of their relationships.
I really don't have anything negative to say. I will say though, with the blackout, it could be easy to fall into a couple of cliches, but reading the rest of it, I'm COMPLETELY confident that you'll pull it off without a hitch.

Good job!

Oh! And I just got how the title kind of ties in with the marijuana use. XD See, told you I'm drug illiterate. XD

Small Change, please.

Claimed.
Done.

broadway.:

Story Review Game - Chapter One

I liked the beginning paragraph of the summary, most definitely. Actually, I liked the entire summary now that I think about it. It definitely draws your readers in - giving them hints of what’s to come (without giving away the plot) and keeping the important stuff a mystery.

A tangle of Mariachi music wrapped around Tom…
- I’ve never seen anyone describe music like that - as a tangle that wraps around someone. It sounds so amazing. And as a first chapter, I think it gives us readers a glimpse into your vocabulary and writing style pretty quickly. But anyway, the point I was trying to make was that I liked your use of words.

The last time he had been this drunk, he'd killed Jim.
- This line definitely caught my attention. I’m hoping that you delve into this further - I’d love to know if Jim’s death is what causes him to constantly drink, or if this happened before hand. With just a few paragraphs into this, I’m interesting in what’s going to happen and what’s caused Tom to be this way.

His heart twisted and twitched and his gut boiled and tears stung his eyes.
- It might just be me, but I feel like there’s a few too many ands in that sentence. Even if sticking as in for the second and, it would take away the awkwardness of the sentence.

Ain't nothing funny about being a drunk.
- I really like the way you phrase your dialogue. It really suits the era and the characters you’ve introduced.

Jim groaned, cussing under his breath as Tom landed a lucky shot to his jaw and then Jim punched Tom in the stomach and Tom kicked him in the groin and then Jim kneed him in the stomach and finally Tom grabbed Jim's collar and slammed him down on the concrete.
- I don’t know if you were trying to go for a whole ‘fast motion’ approach with this sequence, but I don’t really think it came across that way. To me, it’s just awkward. I personally think that you should really take out a few of those ands. Turn that one long sentence into a couple of smaller ones. I think even just two would fix the flow.

One thing I did like, was how Jim asked Tom why he did it. It seemed so powerful and troubling, and definitely is fuel for Tom’s guilt.

Mexico was where people ran when they were in trouble, right?
- Totally explains why the barmaid speaks Spanish. He ran away.

I think that this first chapter was definitely a good one. Except for a couple of awkwardly worded sentences, the entire chapter flowed nicely. One thing that you seem to excel at is your character development, from their actions right through to their dialect - it’s constant. Like I said, great first chapter. You’ve got real talent and you certainly know how to use it.

The first three chapters of If You Knew Their Longing. Each chapter is barely a hundred words so it's not too much to read or anything.