The Origin of the Blue Princess - Comments

hey i think this is such a good story:) cant wait for you to update

I have to agree with some of the people here. Chop it up in to paragraphs because it gets confusing. And going from one person to another and another...it feels kind of scattered. Work on your grammar, too.

I also have to say that you are VERY detailed.

And even though its not the story I would really read, I think it's a decent story all together.

I know this feedback is not much help since everyone else pretty much said everything that needed to be fixed in your story, ha.
So instead of saying "Hope this helps," I'm gonna say,

Good luck with all the other stories you write!

It's not really my type of thing and I found it boring but that is for me im sure other people will enjoy it
as other peopel have said ,you need to work on your puntuation and things but everybody makes mistakes :)

I really like this story(:
I think it sounds really good(:
I really love reading about fantasy and princesses and all of it(:

It's not the type of thing I usually read, but I skimmed through it and it was really good. I think it's great that you're writing a book, so keep it up:]

Very good:)
I like it alot.
Keep writing! I wanna read some more soon. Its very good.

loved it... it was very long indeed but didnt need breaking up

stop asking new members to read ur story... it is mean, they only just join and u jump on them. if someone wants to read it they will. dont attck the innocent. dont get up me, i have trouble lying and when i want someone to know how i feel i tell them. and heres the truth. i couldnt see paragraphs so i couldnt be bothered reading your story

I belive this has been stated before, lack of paragraphs and the originality isn't upon the scale much (but that doesn't honestly count; well written things can have some over done things), and the way it's placed together is so choppy and out there, I don't know exactly how to... judge it.

I shall be awaiting that edit. I'm too lazy to give full critique. But what really bothered me were the characters.

So shallow.

cha cha cha i thought it was boring

"Aww, that kid just called me a faggot. Ain't that cute? You know... I really like you and you're not like all the other boys so... will you take me to prom and then fuck me in the backseat later?" ~ Gerard Way.

Okay, here's my honest opinion. . . . . . .

This needs a TON of work. There are so many things wrong. Get someone to go through and fix all of the mistakes for you. You describe a lot of things, but you don't really do it well because of the vocabulary you use. Your vocabulary isn't the best, and if my honors english teacher has taught me anything, it's that you need a good vocabulary to be a good writer. As for the plot, sorry, but it isn't that original, and you lost my attention halfway in. It feels like I have read this before.
I suggest you go back in, and change things, then repost it. I'm sure you will get better comments.
Your a talented writer, so don't give up! If you love this story enough, you will make it work.

i think you need to just get an editor or perhaps edit yourself. it was really distracting trying to read w/ the mixed up words like form instead of from, for example. also a few dialogue things. every time a new person speaks you should make a new paragraph as is proper. other than that, it's really good, although i didn't read the whole thing. i like fantasy but usually only when it takes place in modern times. that's all i really have to say about it.

I liked it and it really felt as if i was in the book and actually seeing and feeling everything that was going on.

I like it, not love it.
it needs paragraphs though.
keep writing.

Ok, so for your The Origin of the Blue Princess story. I'll repost it with my few suggestions.

So, first sentence. "Alsia shook with fear that voice was the voice that had haunted her dreams even before her parent’s death." I would add a couple things here. First, I'd add the word 'the' right after 'that' and put the words 'she was hearing' right after the word 'voice' so it would go something like, "Alsia shook with fear that the voice she was hearing, was the voice that had haunted her dreams even before her parents death."

"It was the image that taunted her with the very face of evil. To her all he meant was fear and anger and so many other things Alsia couldn’t even recognize, but she could recognize love and hate and she hated him; with such a deep hate like the likes she had never felt before." There should be a COMMA right after the 'anger' in that sentence. Also I think ending the sentence at the word "recognize" and starting a new one at the word "but" might be a good idea. So it'd look something like this...

"It was the image that taunted her with the very face of evil. To her all he meant was fear and anger, and so many other things Alsia couldn’t even recognize. But she could recognize love and hate and she hated him; with such a deep hate like the likes she had never felt before.

Those are just a few tips, that I think would make it easier to read. Also, one last thing, don't say things about how unoriginal it is. You got to believe in yourself. I understand why you'd say that, you don't want to be criticized for being unoriginal. But I'm sure once people read the whole thing they'll understand the originality in it. Also I'd like to point out I only read the summary at this point. But I thought I should at least write up these little tips. You're Welcome. ^,^

Hmm, yes, you do need to split up the paragraphs, but It seems you are very descriptive, totally publish it, I didn't read the whole thing, but I know it's already good, but don't make it so like "this was the end of time," or somthing like that. But so far, really good.
ilovestories101

I thought it was pretty good, I'll keep reading it until I lose intrest for sure. I agree with the other ppls, although I'd feel like a hypocrite for critisising you on your spelling errors because I make a ton of the too (to my friends annoyance) I'm sure this comment is full of them...again. sorry. Well that's all I got...keep it up I think it could turn into something. :)

I loved it the way it was.

Mmm... Okay, I've worked as a professional editor before on multiple occasions. And to be honest, your writing style is right on your level. Which - in this case - is not a good thing, if you are seriously considering to publish this as a novel.

Key points:
Punctuation. You need to work on separating sentences using commas and semicolons.
Ex:
(“Master we spare no one right?” one of the soldiers asked.) = "Master, we spare no one, right?" One of the soldiers asked.

Names
Alsia Swan is a very... sparkly name. Sparkly as in, out of the ordinary, flashy, over the top. This further insues her as a Mary Sue. Mary Sue's are one of the biggest mistakes you can make in the literary world - Perfect characters are not wanted. They are pompus and unnecessary, and to add one to a story is to seal it's horrid fate.
Another way you make Alsia a May Sue is her description - "She was very beautiful... Her face looked angelic and her name matched the grandness of her looks." To describe a character as exceptionally beautiful is to add perfection to them. Resulting in, a Mary Sue. Try and humanize your character more by giving them faults, not like scars, that's too original. Something that makes them less original, more realistic in a sense.

You misspell words... a lot, honestly. Perhaps you should get someone to edit these chapters before submitting them. Getting a second look always helps with punctuation and errors in general.

You keep going inbetween the correct spelling of her father's name. Is it Ravel or Raval?

Please refrain from ever, ever using all-caps as a professional writer. It's terribly annoying, and rather hard on the eyes. Using italics, or bold the text instead.

Another point is... Oi, just the plot in general. It's not all that fascinating, nothing is occuring that really grabs a reader's attention. It's all so over used, a princess in distress, a war waged, magic, foreseeing events, orphaned. I lost interest within the first few paragraphs.

I won't lie, the literary world is a harsh place, duck. If you want to make it, you're going to have to try a lot harder than this. You have potential, if you've actually stuck with it long enough to write so much. But you definitely need to work on a lot of aspects.

Good luck.

bohemian_love:

Alright, here is my opinion on your work. Keep in mind that it is just my honest opinion, and not intended to offend. I came across numerous grammatical errors and spelling mistakes, too many for me to remind you of the correct spelling.

I read about your condition, so I understand your mistakes. The constant description of every detail was a tad overdone. Every so often is fine, but not every other paragraph. It almost got to a point to where you were repeating yourself.

You should organize it better, since it was a little hard to keep up with. My interest dwindled some after the first few paragraphs.

I hope this helps. I'm sorry if it sounded rude!

Exactly what I was going to say.
I admire your dedication to this, and I hope you continue it.
Good luck.