When Night Falls - Comments

Layout + Summary
The layout id quite lovely and I really love the "border". The red just makes it seem so elegant. And the way the title looks make it seem sort of spooky.

Just from reading the summary, combined with the title and layout, I have a feeling that this is a vampire or werewolf story. We shall see. Onwards!

Chapter One.
Gah! Your eye for detail is supuerb. I've noticed this in most of your stories It makes me love you lol

And I knew it would be a vampire! But I'm so glad it's not the beautiful, "Look at me sparkle" vampires. I mean, I guess there isn't anything wrong with drop-dead gorgeous undead beings, but I miss Dracula and the heart of it all. I was a bit upset upon the arrival of Markus and Isabel. But they sound dashing and I like her spirit and his attitude.

I'm anxious to read more!

@ strigoi.
Thank you for reading! I'm so glad you enjoyed my slaughter scene. I'm always re-reading it and telling myself, "Hmmm. Its not gruesome enough!" But you've assured me otherwise. :)

I removed the characters from the story edit and I assumed they wouldn't be on there anymore. I assumed wrong.
Avery was early Lillian until I realized that it wasn't a good name for the section of history I was writing in. XD
I'm gonna change that tonight.
:)
I want to point out if you intend on reading farther that it mellows out on the "monster" front until later in the story.

@ insufferable;
I am so happy you liked it.
All your questions are answered later on ;)

Layout / Summary
It's rare that I see layouts anymore that don't have some sort of banner image, but I must say, it's quite refreshing. I really like the color palette you chose. It's dark but not at the same time, if that makes sense lol.

I was really drawn in by the italicized first line, and your description of what's to come for Lillian is super intriguing. You gave away just enough for the reader to want to read on in order to figure out what exactly is going to happen.

Chapter One
I'm really into "monster" type stories, so I read a lot of them. But seriously, you write with such vivid imagery. I could actually picture the guy running for his life, and trying to be quiet so he could hear if the thing was following him. I was sitting here like waiting for him to get killed You didn't disappoint, either! I really appreciated that because it's rare to find a story that really gets into the nitty gritty of describing a slaughter. Lol.

I really enjoyed the interaction between Lillian, Isabel, and Marcus. The differing opinions between Isabel and Marcus was interesting, and the fact that Marcus was against taking Lillian in is making me wonder how that's going to play in later on in the story.

Critiques
I think I should point out that in the character page, you have under Alejandro's description that he's Avery's longtime companion and lover. I got the impression that maybe Lillian used to be called Avery in an earlier version of the story and maybe you just forgot to change it in Alejandro's character? Or maybe there is an Avery character and I just haven't come upon her yet? If that's the case then ignore this entirely because that's really the only critique I have!

Overall
This is definitely one of the better "monster" stories I've read. The way you write is incredible, and I'm honestly shocked you don't have more rec's! Well, I just added one more for you so hopefully that gets the word out even more. I'll be back to read the rest of the story but I just wanted to comment on the first chapter to let you know you've gained another reader!

Summary:
This summary is so amazing and exciting! I love stories like this, so I can't wait to see where you go with it. I'm definitely looking forward to this.

Chapter One:
I love the way you opened this up. A man running for his life is always a good place to start a story. I'm definitely wondering what's chasing him.
Aha, I feel like this guy shouldn't undermine the powers/strength of a woman, especially since I'm sure that's what's after him. Part of me is definitely thinking he isn't safe either. i've watched way too many horror movies
Well, you did a wonderful job describing the woman. She sounds absolutely terrifying! I'm definitely wondering what happened to her to make her that way.
I'm wondering if these creatures kill to eat or kill for the Hell of it.
Oooh, a man and woman? I wonder who they are!
Mmm, Marcus seems like a complete badass, while Isabel seems to be a kind and generous sweetheart. I'm wondering if they're together or if they just work together? Who exactly are they?
I feel like they might be vampires. But I feel really bad for Lillian. The confusion she must feel is horrible to think about. Ugh, I want to hug her too!
I'm really loving Isabel's character and I hope Marcus ends up warming up to Lillian.

This is a really amazing story thus far. I'm definitely going to be continuing it because I have so many questions and I'm really intrigued by it. I didn't see any mistakes and the flow is perfect. Well done!

I only read the first chapter so far but I came here because I wanted to tell you how much I liked it!

It starts off very fast and chaotic in a way which is great. It created the fearful mood of the man Lillian was chasing. Your descriptions are amazing as well. I could see everything perfectly in my head. It was a very intense chapter as well. Marcus and Isabel caught my eye. I love Isabel, but I'm not sure how I feel about Marcus just yet.

Also, this takes place in Chicago which is where I'm from so bonus points for you ^_^ This was my face when you said Lincoln Park and I could picture it clearly:

I'm subscribing!

The layout is simple, but really pretty and very easy to read with. Great job on that!

Summary:
Oooooh! Supernatural stuff usually does a great job drawing me in, and your summary gives just enough away to know what I'm getting myself into. I do appreciate that you mentioned it has triggering material in it. So many don't do that, so thank you.

Chapter One:
Your descriptions are on pointe. Your scene setting was impeccable. I lost myself in the story, completely and utterly. Yes, there is triggering material, but I can tell it is to further advance the story. It isn't just thrown in there willy-nilly. Poor Lillian, oh my god. I'm not sure I completely trust Marcus and Isabel, but Isabel seems to actually care, so for now she's alright by me.

I didn't see any grammatical errors at all. It flowed beautifully and was an amazing start to this. I will definitely continue reading this one. It's amazing! Great job!

@ Limitless;;
I was so giddy to see your comment.
<3
Thank you so much.

So, I just binge read the first six chapters of this and I absolutely love it thus far! Your characters and writing style make me really happy because it's all done so well. I like how the story progressed and so did the relationship with our characters. It’s really hard to do that sometimes, but your writing flows very smoothly and I love that! Your writing style is really truly a work of art, and there’s absolutely nothing I dislike about this.

I also love the length of this. It’s not too long and it’s not too short. I can’t wait to find out what the Whole is going to do to Isabel and Marcus and I’m also interested in how the relationship between Alejandro and Lillian turns out!

Fantastic job :)

@ the dalliance.
You'll be happy to know that I'm already 1500 words into chapter ten. I went to town writing last night.

.

YAH! An update that I have looking forward to for a long time! My only complaint is that I wish it was longer!

I've missed this sooo much!

@ the dalliance.
All I could think of was the orbit commercial where the guy is like "What the french, Toast?!"



I'm glad I didn't send you into perpetual sadness. I really didn't want to kill him off right away though it is a possibility later in the story from how I plotted everything out. Sorry not sorry... nah I really am sorry.
You flatterer you.

I am going to try to update again soon. I did more editing today of what I have written of chapter nine already than I did actual writing for it and my boyfriend just called and he's like 10 minutes away so no more computer time for me.

SHUT THE FRONT DOOR. YOU DIDN'T.

But atlas you did. Gotta keep the excitement and shock alive.

Girl you almost gave me a heart attack. For a second I really did think you were going all Games of Thrones on me and killing off Alejandro too. That would have been so tragic and I would have spent the rest of the story living in denial of it.

I had to stop everything I was doing and read this when I saw it was updated earlier. I can't believe this is unedited. Mad skill. Like always never a disappointment and I'm dying for more.

@ fauvism
Awww thanks love. <3
Messsage meeeee

have been waiting for this chapter! I'm upset but thrilled you've updated, also, very excited for the incoming chapters, especially after you told me what is coming. even unedited, your work is amazing.

...

...

@ nearly witches.
Oh my god thank you I'm having a crap day and this totally made it 100 times better. I'm glad you like it. I know the vampire family thing is over written with the whole Twilight following but I'm so relieved you think I played it off well. This story I've put a lot of time into trying to get the details just right; I'm not joking when I say I've put bloog, sweat, and tears into it. In the early stages of plotting in a notebook I paper cutted myself and so that's the bloody part. Haha.

Thank you for the comment on the layout. I wanted it to reflect the times and im hoping to get a new one soon, something a bit darker. And as for summeries go I'm so bad at them they have to be short otherwise no one will read my stories

Layout / Summary

The layout for this is so wonderfully simple. I adore the header image too. The whole layout just looks super classy to me.

I'm not usually the biggest fan of one-line summaries for chaptered stories (only because I do it myself when I'm feeling lazy) but this one works, and it works well. You give away hardly anything, but you give away just enough that when you read it, you begin to wonder what's going on.

Content

Before I get serious, I feel like I should point out that I have a total connection to the running man, because I struggle to run for longer than 30 seconds, so I feel his pain. On a serious note, I like how gruesome this is. I don't read vampire pics very often, but the ones that I have read have been a little... I don't know, they just haven't been dark enough for my liking and this one definitely is. You get right into the dirty details of the attack, leaving nothing out and I like that. More people need to be confident enough in writing the more shocking details, because those are what make a story in my mind.

I find the idea of the vampire 'family' rather amusing, especially with the way that Isabel dotes over Lillian. It's almost like they're this normal family, but then they all talk about drinking blood and sexual pleasures and whatnot and it throws me a little, ha. Nonetheless, it makes for a good change, especially when they have the father-wife-daughter vibe going on. I don't think I've read a vampire vic yet where the new vampire doesn't fall for the one that saves them, so that's a nice refreshing change!

I don't know why, but Alejandro made me really uncomfortable at first. I was sure he was going to do something horrible to her straightaway, but he didn't. I still get a little uneasy about him, so we shall see how that goes as this develops further. Despite that, I think he might be my favourite character.

Concrit

I don't think I noticed anything worth mentioning that hadn't been mentioned below.

Overall

This is definitely a refreshing take on the age-old vampire story. I like that you started off by giving us a view into how she was turned from feral to refined, and that she didn't immediately enter into a romantic relationship. The story is structured well and your characters are thought-out. Awesome start!

I'm up to chapter 5 at the moment, and I just thought I'd write down a few notes before moving on.

First of all, your descriptions are beautiful. I love the way you ease from a setting, or an emotion, into the dialogue.

Secondly, I love love love the time skips. I think it might be a bit boring if we had to sit and read through her learning everything and what not. Brilliant on your part.

I also do have to say that the layout is a bit hard on my eyes. Maybe if your text was a tiny bit bigger, it wouldn't be such a problem, but as it is, I felt the need to point it out. (I do think it's cool though!)

Now, for my first question, if she can become incorporeal why didn't she just go to Aljandro's like that? It probably would have been a lot easier than climbing up the way she did.

My second question is, what time is the set in? Early 1900s or...?

I do want to note, before I forget, that I'm very happy she doesn't immediately agree to go gallivanting with him.

"if it is wise to both him." bother? -Chapter 6

YOU BETTER UPDATE THIS SOON I SWEAR TO GOD. YOU JUST END ON THAT CLIFFHANGER AND I DON'T KNOW IF SHE'S FOUND ALJANDRO, ISALBEL, MARCUS, HELL EVEN MARIA OR WHATEVER HER NAME WAS.

On a calmer note, I am in love with this story and I can't wait to see where it goes. I'm reccing and subing.