When Night Falls - Comments

@ Qhuinn
I feel touched and honored :p

Yay. Im glad to hear that you like it. Youre the first person to read it besides my editor.

@ Qhuinn
Well it's surprisingly good for a vampire story! Doesn't seem too cheesy, so I think I'm gonna enjoy this :)

@ Hika
I just posted it so maybe itll pull up now. Ive had it saved in my drafts waiting to be posted. I hope you like it. It starts out a bit lighter in the beginning but from what Im plotting its gonna be a lot darker.

@ Qhuinn
Well the comment was long enough for comment swap but I'd still love to read :)

@ Qhuinn
Well the comment was long enough for comment swap but I'd still love to read :)

@ Hika
I actually taken the oneshot down weeks ago to expand it into a full length story. Thats weird, it must have been floating around for a few months in the comment swap because I havent submitted anything in ages. Ill post thw first chapter right now so your able to get credit for it, unless the comment already it that.

There seems to be a problem because I can't actually read the story or anything... I don't know if it's because I'm on my phone or something but I can't actually find the chapters... And since I was brought here through comment swap, well I sorta have to read this... Also from the feedback I got from other comments it seems interesting to look at ^^

This is a very well written story but I'm sorry to say it was a bit tedious to read. I'm not sure what the point to this story was besides listening to the main character whine and moan about how she hates the vampire law, but I mean you most certainly accomplished that. Although I think if Avery was so adamant in staying out of the vampire 'rehabilitation' place, you should have put in a bit more detail. Also the part about Alex and Avery hooking up seemed a bit rushed and random. I mean Avery's just walking through the bar complaining and then we suddenly go back to the thought of Alex who was introduced as a good friend and even then we didn't dwell on him much.
Anyway it was a good story.

im not into vampires either but im glad i read this one i felt for avery but i mean what could you do? in order for human and vampires to live together its necessary to have such rules! and one thing that i really liked about your story was the thought communicating thing it was great overall i think you did a pretty good job.

Dear Qhuinn,

The King has sent us for you, although rather simple for your name stuck out, this will take some time.

We are the Knights of Comment Swap, here to set you straight and commend you on behalf of our literature obsessed monarch.

Fear not, the last thing the King beheaded was a chocolate bar. We will only give suggestions and praise here. He has changed the law toward non-violence after reading the Hunger Games.

Your story title is impressive and polishes the layout off quite nicely.

We couldn't help but notice how Avery couldn't help doing things. It makes her seem out of control and a little silly.

Also if Alejandro was her friend that long why don't they greet each other in a familiar way?

Instead of telling us she couldn't understand the politics and how she feels strongly about her point of view, show us. Show us her mind, her ideals, and her thoughts.

If her mind is still on politics, don't tell us. Show us how she walks through the crowd picking out someone while she intertwines that focus with her thoughts on the politics.

This flashback at her jail sentence is interesting, but you skimmed over it making it boring and unable to reach out emotionally to the readers and Knights alike. If she remembers jail, her mind should fill with the thoughts of it. So fill the page like her mind would be filled.

Also, there doesn't seem to be a point to Avery's existence, she just eats, and complains, and then stays with men. It's kind of a boring life and not noble at all.

One last thing, try to avoid cliches. We will stop reading here because the rest looks disturbing. Make sure to rate your stories correctly as well. The King almost took back his earlier amendment to the law for that.

Truly,

The Knights of Comment Swap

Hello there. :) Well let's get started, shall we? I'm obsesed with vampires so you have no idea how glad I am since comment swap brought me here. And yes I even like twilight. I have to say I really liked this. It was well written and it pulled me in right from the start. :) I don't know what to say, you just left me speechless. WELL DONE! XD

The layout is beautiful and the story is pretty great. I don't read/enjoy many vampire stories, especially after the twilight craze. But this I really liked. It wasn't a terrible twist on vampire stories. You did a great job with descriptions and not just randomly stating that she's a vampire but adding it so that it flows with the story. This reminded me a lot of Sunshine, a great vampire novel, so that means that you did a wonderful job :)

Brought to you by: Comment Swap
First of all, i don't read vampire stories either xD But i'm glad yours isn't lame a silly. I love the design under the title, its gorgeous. Text could be bigger? Eh I'm blind and on a small laptop xD so maybe its me.
I liked the way you expressed the characters thoughts, i could clearly get a grip on the type of person they were.

I'm not a huge fan of vampire stories after Twilight came along and make them all sparkle. Thank god your vampires did not sparkle and drank from humans. Interesting plot very original. I like how she has a mental tracker placed in her mind. Your writing is nice too and keeps progressing never leaving me feeling like I need to skip a certain part. This one chapter seems more like a peek into something more. It would be interesting to learn more about Avery and her vampire life.

OmG! ignore this, i am just commenting to see if it'll get rid of the like to your book, it must be gliching up or something because it only comes up with your book and i've already commented on this like twice now so i'm just writting this so you know that i am just commenting so i can swap with someone else, sorry about tihs, it must be anoying.

OmG! ignore this, i am just commenting to see if it'll get rid of the like to your book, it must be gliching up or something because it only comes up with your book and i've already commented on this like twice now so i'm just writting this so you know that i am just commenting so i can swap with someone else, sorry about tihs, it must be anoying.

I've never been too into vampires (I was never a Twilight fan for example), but I did really enjoy this. It manages to flesh out the important points of the world without feeling like a long description; the action keeps it interesting. I feel as if this is only a first chapter, however; I'd like to read some more about the characters lives and history. But yeah, I enjoyed it and wouldn't mind seeing more :)

Well, apart from the fact that I'm not to into this type of story, I must give you credit.
You've written it well. The characters have developed nicely, all the details are there (although I do believe you could do better in some parts.)
It seems to flow quite well and you've made the plot interesting enough that I don't want to smack myself across the face with a shovel.
So in all, this is a good piece of work :') You should be proud.

dkw but it says i havent commented on this, so this is just a simple comment to see if it changes. sorry