Grey Wolf Mountain - Comments

@ andrea.howls
I'm glad you like at least most of it! You should read its sequel if you've already read through the whole thing at least once!
Happy reading!

I keep rereading this story, but never the entire way because I just can't read to the very end anymore. I just get extremely sad with how everything went wrong all at once it seems. However, this is still one of the stories at the top of my favorites list :)

Agagagaa don't take me the wrong way i realize that I was a bit harsh I just wanted to write the review while everything was fresh in my mind but quickly so that I could at least get one hour of sleep. I only write reviews for books I absolutely love, so I really feel kinda bad now cause I realize your right. I should have put in more praise, but I just wanted to cover the stuff that you don't already know ;) hope you can forgive me. Good luck writing!

Extinct:

Okay so I just finished reading some really long reviews that my teenager mind could barely keep up with. I sort of agree with most of them - however I think that you should focus most on some other stuff.
There was one annoying thing about your story (no offense haha) and that's Ava's personality. Not that she was too perfect (maybe you went back and tried to fix it?)....she was too bipolar. I think you tried for her to come off as this outwardly strong, confident young woman, with a soft, sensitive interior....when what you get is this confused mixture. For example, I think there is not one chapter in which she does not cry. At one point, I wanted to tell her to suck it up. I understand she murdered her parents, and I think you wrote off the shock of it very well. But after words, she makes a promise to herself that she will use what happened to them to become a better werewolf of sorts. You should make her promise herself to start over, to stop crying over her parents. It's very difficult as a writer to portray sorrow - too much and the character becomes weak, annoying; but too little and they are heartless. I think she would come to terms - though definitely not forgive herself - and she would stop crying at the mere mention of her parents. Then again, I have never experienced death in the near family...and definitely I have never killed someone I love!

...

Oh and I forgot
Ava reaaaally was annoying to get mad at him for bringing her up to his side when the new tribe came. I mean sure, at first you might get angry, but after he explains it I would feel angry - shy embarrassed confused and solicited but not angry. If I a guy showers you with adoration your not going to be angry unless he doesn't ease up, and for gods sake she didn't even know he liked her until that point.
Oh and two more things when they do the dirty deed neither of them worry about contraception. I mean, I understand she gets preganant but after being so reluctant to have sex you'd think that would be one of the reasons and that shed be careful. Like maybe during she got carried away in the heat of the moment but afterwards she didn't feel like OMG, I forgot!?
And finally last thing I promise is how she gets bitten. You don't describe her want to bite him back, like at all. It seems like a pretty big but you barely mention it :(
Okay Crap I have to go to sleep

I split your comments up and took out parts because it was massive and i'm sure my response will be massive...if you ever check to see if I've replied.

First of all, I have a love/hate relationship with constructive criticism. Obviously I hate when people tell me I did something wrong, but obviously I know that I'm no where near done with writing this story if I ever want to even consider getting it published. So, some of the things you said has already occurred to me. Like Ava's annoying personality, and Logan hardly being in the story at all.

Anyways, on with the reply to your comment/constructive criticism:

I haven't ready GWM in a long time, but I do not remember Ava crying in every chapter. Specifically because I suck at crying scenes. I feel like you're confusing that with scenes when she suddenly remembers her parents. Which would be normal. If your parents died. And especially if you killed them. However, I agree that there should be more guilt in that mixture. She should feel more remorse for killing them....
When she said she was going to move on, it's one of those things where you say that you're moving on, but you can't really...like when you know you don't have a chance with your crush, so you say you're going to stop thinking about him, but you really cant. One of those times.
But I will for sure take this into consideration when I re-read and re-write this again and again :P

I understand about the shock factor, which is true, with when Grey first sees Ava. BUT, his personality would definitely not give a feast in celebration of her coming to him, and it's his personality that holds him back. He is all fine and mighty as an Alpha, but when it comes to love, he has no idea what to do. It's been 2 centuries. He's just as shy.

About Grey finding out that he was the one who attacked her and turned her...he's doing that thing where he holds back again. He does sort of have that shock when Ava shows him the woods where she was attacked. And then he holds it in, afraid of losing her. But I could definitely play up that shock factor when I revise. And yes, he doesn't realize at first when he sees her that she's the girl he attacked. He only realizes when he sees the woods.

About the physical wants. I wasn't even going to put it into the story. I'm apparently really good at writing sex scenes, but that's not what I wanted this story to be about. In fact, in OTOOM (the sequel), no sex scenes have been planned and none will be put in it. And I also plan to take it out of the equation once I'm done revising this because it is a young adult novel EXCEPT that it has a sex scene. With that sex scene, it would automatically have to be an adult novel. And that's just confusing to people. Besides that, I don't believe they would jump at each other and ravage each others bodies. Ava is a virgin at this point in the novel, and they're in love. They're making love, which is slow and sultry and get-to-know-you sex. The fact that they are both werewolves does not play into their love making or kissing at all. It would have if they hadn't been letting their wolves out. They both had that same problem where their wolves took over their bodies, because they were suppressing their wolves. But they let their wolves out, so their wolves don't have to or want or need to take over for them. They have the ability to be all human, and that all human side of them is scared of each other and shy and stuff. They're working at being together and it scares them. You know?
Obviously since I had to explain this to you, I'll have to explain this when I revise....the kissing scene. :P

I already said that I need to re-adapt Logan completely. So yep, I agree with all of your Logan comment.
Logan is a horrible friend. But still, I need more Logan in the novel so I'll have to explain that him and Grey weren't exactly best friends. And they were pulling away from each other long before Ava showed up.

I absolutely love Lucian. He was my favourite character and still is, even though Riley's my favourite character in OTOOM. Lucian takes the cake. And actually, one of the things I do love about him is that he is a climactic character, and he has such an anti-climactic death. His death shows the power and the whole not really caring that comes from the Council. The Council is bad ass. They're not going to have an intense death, they're just going to kill him. I adore that Lucian's death is boring. Haha, so I'm not going to change that. I guess it goes with my masochistic side where I also adore and found it necessary that Grey died.

Okay....onto your comment number 2:
Ava is pissed off at Grey the entire time before they "hook up" because she hates the idea of destiny...which I feel like I portrayed over and over again. So, since she's "destined" to be with Grey, she's going to be pissed off at him for anything that even resembles a relationship between the two. Which is normal. It doesn't matter that Grey put her there to protect her from the prying eyes of the intruding pack, because Ava believes she can take care of herself. It doesn't matter that it was a sort of romantic gesture, because she DOESN'T WANT the romance. And...i just read that you said that she doesn't know that he likes her at this point...so imagine that you're in Ava's situation, and some guy randomly decides, without your permission, that you're his girlfriend. THAT would piss me off, and i'm nothing like Ava. lol.

When they have sex, and forget protection....she's only reluctant to have sex because she's a virgin. It's a bit deal to lose your virginity, even if it is to the person who you're destined to be with. That's physical pain you're going to feel as a woman, and only someone you truly trust is going to take that away from you, especially if you've waited until you really know what it means to lose it, like Ava when she's 21...or is she 20? I don't remember. I have it written down somewhere.
Anyways, they don't use protection. Not a big deal. People do it all the time and Ava's dwelling more on the love side than the "holy shit, I'm going to get a STD and get pregnant when I'm not ready" side of it. And she's not going to realize later because that ruins the whole surprise of it at the end. lol. Personal, author preference. I bet you didn't even think of it until at the very end when they said she was pregnant.

I did describe her want to bite him back. I specifically remember her being frustrated over the fact that he wouldn't let her and that he was avoiding her. it was barely mentioned because there wasn't that long between the biting and Grey's death. but I could definitely put some more frustration in there upon revision.

And now I'm going to give you a BIT of advice when writing constructive criticism....it's what teachers do on any work you hand in. Basically, you should start off by pumping up people, making them think that they did something great with what they wrote. So, you said you loved Lucien as a character. Start off with that. And then start into the things you believe they need to fix. Sometimes we need to know that even though you only spoke about part of the novel and some of the characters, that we did SOMETHING right. And then end with something nice too, like how you said "Oh and ps greysons death...I hate you for it lol ;p"

Thanks for staying up until 5am to read GWM....that's actually something I do all the time with well written stories on Mibba, so it's good to know that you put me into that category.

I hope you enjoy what I have written on OTOOM so far :)

Sunny-Lee <3

Oh and I forgot
Ava reaaaally was annoying to get mad at him for bringing her up to his side when the new tribe came. I mean sure, at first you might get angry, but after he explains it I would feel angry - shy embarrassed confused and solicited but not angry. If I a guy showers you with adoration your not going to be angry unless he doesn't ease up, and for gods sake she didn't even know he liked her until that point.
Oh and two more things when they do the dirty deed neither of them worry about contraception. I mean, I understand she gets preganant but after being so reluctant to have sex you'd think that would be one of the reasons and that shed be careful. Like maybe during she got carried away in the heat of the moment but afterwards she didn't feel like OMG, I forgot!?
And finally last thing I promise is how she gets bitten. You don't describe her want to bite him back, like at all. It seems like a pretty big but you barely mention it :(
Okay Crap I have to go to sleep

Okay so I just finished reading some really long reviews that my teenager mind could barely keep up with. I sort of agree with most of them - however I think that you should focus most on some other stuff.
There was one annoying thing about your story (no offense haha) and that's Ava's personality. Not that she was too perfect (maybe you went back and tried to fix it?)....she was too bipolar. I think you tried for her to come off as this outwardly strong, confident young woman, with a soft, sensitive interior....when what you get is this confused mixture. For example, I think there is not one chapter in which she does not cry. At one point, I wanted to tell her to suck it up. I understand she murdered her parents, and I think you wrote off the shock of it very well. But after words, she makes a promise to herself that she will use what happened to them to become a better werewolf of sorts. You should make her promise herself to start over, to stop crying over her parents. It's very difficult as a writer to portray sorrow - too much and the character becomes weak, annoying; but too little and they are heartless. I think she would come to terms - though definitely not forgive herself - and she would stop crying at the mere mention of her parents. Then again, I have never experienced death in the near family...and definitely I have never killed someone I love!
Okay next is the thing with Greyson 'killing' her - when he first sees her, you don't depict the shock he must feel when he realizes that he is destined for the girl he thought he killed. At no point do you talk about his shock at having been mated with the woman who made him a better man (really romantic BTW). Or, if he didn't realize it at first, only later, when she talks about it, why don't you depict the surprise and sorrow he feels at having done this to her? You sort of just gradually ease the reader into the knowledge that he's the one who turned her, and there is no big BAM! Which would really spice things up.
About their love at first sight, Greyson has waited two centuries for her, yet he does not burst out with joy, does not celebrate; he even has enough control to stay away from her, give her space - but I find this a bit unrealistic. I think he should throw some kind of feast or banquet where he can woo her through his jovial celebrations or something of the sorts. Then, once he has sated his appetite of her - if only a little - then he can have the will to leave his finally delivered mate.
A bit on this same track, I think you really do not delve very deep into their physical wants ;). When they first kiss, sure, it is extremely romantic. But I mean, before that, Ava cares deeply about him, Greyson is almost infatuated with her (for the male, being mated is like having the world start spinning around your loved one, right?) and the two are both werewolves - which means they are half animal. Doesn't this mean their lust should be like, piqued? And yet I never felt like Ava was having a hard time staying away from him. Especially since they see each other NAKED. Hee hee sorry my immature side coming through.
Sigh*. Anyways, another thing - you don't convey logan's feelings towards her enough so that the reader can relate to his actions. At no point does he get down on his knees and beg for her love. I mean, all they did was flirt, and he is not mated to her. Logan and greyson are also supposed to be best friends, but you don't develop thqt friendship at all. From the very beginning of the story, they start fighting for Ava, so I basically feel like the two are enemies. And when I learn about how Logan was telling him to back down as Alpha because he wasn't doing his duties - well I think Logan is a horrible friend, Ava asside. Did you make it like that on purpose?
Lucien - he's power hungry and crazy. I don't know why but I really liked him. It was sort of disappointing to not have him go out with a bang. The council just snapped his neck and then he's dead.
Sooooo yeah. Those are the things I found a bit curious. Now, its five in the morning, and I spent the entire night reading this story. If that doesn't tell you how much I liked it, then nothing can. I'm gonna hit the sequel at a more convenient hour. Hoepfully I can get some sleep now! Hahaha night.

Oh and ps greysons death....I hate you for it lol ;p

Bluecaty15:

i love it, please update again very soon!!!
But why did Greyson have to die!!
Did they even bury him properly?

Go read the sequel, silly!

Grey had to die for the masochistic side of my author brain...because I have issues with happy endings. No one actually remembers happy endings. They remember endings where their favourite character dies. lol.

Hmm...I never said in the story if Grey gets a proper burial. I'll write that down in my revision notes. In my head, she goes back and buries him.

Sunny-Lee <3

i love it, please update again very soon!!!
But why did Greyson have to die!!
Did they even bury him properly?

Cali's Mommy:

So....I saw your update for the sequel to this story yesterday and clicked on it and after reading the first few lines I HAD to read the first story first, so I did. Can I just say that this story is AMAZINGLY AWESOME! I could not stop reading until I read the last chapter! I stayed up so late reading and I wanted to read the sequel too, but I had to get some sleep! (: You are a VERY talented writer and I am going to read OTOOM today! :D I loved Greyson and Ava and I hate that Greyson was killed, but glad that she will still have a "little" piece of him with her in the future. I can't wait to read the sequel. I will definitely comment on that once I am caught up! I'm just so excited to find another very talented aiuthor on Mibba. I am very picky about what I read, it has to be well written and interesting and yours certainly was. I also prefer to read completed stories, because I hate to get all invested in a story and then the author decides that they don't want to keep writing it or for whatever the reason, they don't finish. I DO subscrive to sequels of stories that I love though, and I wait (usually impatiently) for updates. Okay, I'm gonna stop now because this is getting a little long! Thanks for a GREAT story and I can't wait to read more.

Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed GWM! :D I'm very proud of that story. And don't worry about OTOOM, I have the whole story planned out, so it will be completed :D

I'm like you, a very picky reader and I tend to only read completed stories as well, so it;s always great to find an awesome writer so I can stalk their stories. Haha, however, with me I only have one other Original story, so if you only read originals, sorry. I'm just starting to get into them. Which is good because I find I'm actually much better at them, and I can get a novel published (if I sit my as down and revise GWM the way I want to, I just don't have time D=)

Updates for OTOOM will take a little longer. I used to update every week when I had all the chapters written out for GWM, but I'm only like 10 chapters ahead on OTOOM, so I changed that to every 2 weeks...and then I started school and I'm super busy, so really it's just whenever I can. Haha.

I hope you had a good sleep!

Sunny-Lee <3

So....I saw your update for the sequel to this story yesterday and clicked on it and after reading the first few lines I HAD to read the first story first, so I did. Can I just say that this story is AMAZINGLY AWESOME! I could not stop reading until I read the last chapter! I stayed up so late reading and I wanted to read the sequel too, but I had to get some sleep! (: You are a VERY talented writer and I am going to read OTOOM today! :D I loved Greyson and Ava and I hate that Greyson was killed, but glad that she will still have a "little" piece of him with her in the future. I can't wait to read the sequel. I will definitely comment on that once I am caught up! I'm just so excited to find another very talented aiuthor on Mibba. I am very picky about what I read, it has to be well written and interesting and yours certainly was. I also prefer to read completed stories, because I hate to get all invested in a story and then the author decides that they don't want to keep writing it or for whatever the reason, they don't finish. I DO subscrive to sequels of stories that I love though, and I wait (usually impatiently) for updates. Okay, I'm gonna stop now because this is getting a little long! Thanks for a GREAT story and I can't wait to read more.

The reason I wanted to show you the Youtube video was to show a different way of saying the same thing. You see, almost every story I've ever read on here has done the same thing with difficult conversations like the one Grey and Ava had about her attack. They always write it as really sad and really awkward. The video shows two characters dealing with mutual death. Normally, any conversation done in a situation like that (at least, the way writers online here write) would be to make it either sad or awkward. And they'd leave it with only one emotion the entire time.

What I wanted you to see is how the writers of that scene changed the emotions from friendly, to angry, to sad, to happy, and back. You should never write a scene the way it is expected to be written. Greyson telling Ava he turned her should be a sad scene, so make it an oddly angry scene. If something goes the opposite of what the reader expects, we remember it. The scene I showed you was memorable because it fluctuated feelings so much. Your scene could be memorable because Greyson blurts it out in anger rather than because he feels awkward about sharing it. Something like that would make it more important.

glisssunseeker:

Okay, finally finished it. So much to say about this one so I'd like to apologize immediately for the length of this message. You'll probably have to read in stages

...

P.S. THANK YOU for not making it a happy ending. I’m so sick of sappy endings where everyone important ends up perfect and walk off into the sunset. This way was much better

My reply will probably be pretty long as well. So feel free to read it in stages as well. I'll try not to be all mad in my reply ;P Haha. Constructive criticism is important, but still makes people upset, even though I know I'm not perfect ;)

Thank you! For actually reading the whole novel, seeking it out and taking enough of an interest in it to leave such a large comment :) I'm also a bit of a grammar nazi. I can never quite find all the errors. Then I'll read over a chapter and find new ones. It's never ending! Haha.

I'm actually quite aware that both Ava and Greyson are too perfect of characters. It bothered me the whole novel. Haha. It's one of those things that just sort of happened, and by the time I realized I had posted too far to return and fix it up. I actually intend to go back over this novel after I'm one writing OTOOM and add in and take stuff away. Grey and Ava's perfect-ness is one of those things. I also plan to have more focus on Logan simply because I feel like no one quite got into his mind set until the very end. I feel like more foreshadowing was needed in that area since Grey's death was quite abrupt.

About the Vegetarian Werewolf thing, I agree. I feel like it wasn't well explained or shown. It was almost like the idea was an afterthought to her. I will also have to fix that. Thank you.

If you can imagine, there was practically less of a bond between Ava and Grey when I first started writing it. But I didn't like the way their relationship seemed to be going, so I also fixed that. But I agree that I need more insight into Grey's mind. I focused mostly on Ava, which is fine, but I definitely needed to add in more about the other character's perspectives.
Sadly, I ALSO don't believe in love at first sight, so I have to work hard at that. And I don't like how other people portray it. I'm always unconvinced by other readers' explanations. So, even though I don't believe in it myself I should write it as if I do believe in it, or even better: convince myself of it. lol.

Your idea of giving Grey a different "symptom" than Ava is intriguing. I must admit that it never occurred to me. Thank you.
Again, I didn't really focus on Grey enough to give him a flaw.

I hated the chapter with Grey admitting that he attacked Ava. Haha. I didn't think it was emotional enough. I also hated the chapter where Logan kills Grey. It didn't work for me, but it did seem to portray emotion to everyone else, who seemed to like it, even if I didn't. I'm going to be fixing that to on my revision. (Obviously I've already planned a lot of revision. Haha).

I don't understand why you wanted me to watch that YouTube video... you said to go about a different way of writing the same thing, but I just don't understand what you were saying.

I was also planning to make a chapter with just Logan, and Logan with Ava. I feel like I didn't establish enough of a connection between Logan and Ava for Logan to feel so strongly about her. I don't think the readers felt the connection, and I want them to kind of find a struggle within themselves where they ALMOST want Ava to be with Logan--until they realize he's gone crazy in a future chapter. :)

Agreed. Every novel needs a break. It was almost exhausting writing this. That's why I had already planned to go back and have chapters without Ava, and with Ava away from Grey (I feel like i'm repeating myself a lot here. Ha)

I was also thinking about writing a Lucian chapter, after he escapes Grey's pack. It would involve foreshadowing for the sequel. I'm on the edge about this because I enjoy how readers almost forget about him until he suddenly comes back near the ending of the novel. Still pondering that one :)

That you for the "connotative word choice" information. I NEVER think of that. I seem to do it subconsciously every once in awhile. And then sometimes I just explain where everything is (and think i'm being completely boring while doing it). Now I understand what I'm doing wrong. :)

I understand what you're talking about with the prequel... I didn't plan Kelly to be in there until she actually showed up. Haha. More of an attachment to Kelly would be ideal to me. Thanks for the advice of giving a story about Kelly's PDA! :) (And the parents)

Haha! I used to write in 1st person, but I found that I got bored with it, and I wanted to get someone else's view on the main character out there without changing points of view. 3rd person does that for me. I LOVE it. :) I'm glad you like the way I write in it as well :)
...I feel as if I adequately portray "all four ways of reading a character" as you said...

:) Thank you for the suggestion that I actually go through with trying to get published. I plan to. I really do, after I fix GWM again...and probably once more after that ;)

They next book isn't finished yet... so you may have to wait awhile. But I'm glad you enjoyed this one enough to want to read the next one :)

Gah! I hate happy endings. If it wouldn't make everyone hate me, I'd probably kill off all the main characters. Haha. :)

Sunny-Lee <3

Okay, finally finished it. So much to say about this one so I'd like to apologize immediately for the length of this message. You'll probably have to read in stages

First off, I want to say what a fantastic job you did on this novel. I normally don’t seek out new stories to read – and I rarely actually finish reading them – so already it’s a working masterpiece. I’m also a bit of a grammar nazi, so I loved that your story had very few grammar errors or typos. Thank you so much.

Now, onto the constructive criticism. I’d like to take a look at your characters – mostly Ava, Greyson, and Logan, with a tiny bit of Lucian.

I love Ava. I think she is an adorable woman who has strength of heart, mind and body; but she can still give that strength to Greyson when she simply needs to cry in his arms. Unfortunately, I felt that she was a very unrealistic character. She was supposed to be a strong, powerful, smart, and caring character, yet I never saw a downside from her except her fear of her wolf. The job of an author is not to make their characters perfect, but to make the characters overcome their imperfections and be perfect in the eyes of the reader. If she got angry to fast, or used sarcasm to cover her feelings, or was to empty and broken over her parents that she had no feelings to cover up, she would have been realistic. The way I read her – and I may be completely mistaking how you were trying to set her up – she had no flaws. She had self-doubt, but what woman doesn’t?

Another thing I never really felt connected with was her Vegetarian Werewolf ways, where she didn’t feel comfortable eating meat or killing animals, yet her wolf side loved it. I get the premise, but it didn’t fall into place when used. She was genuinely broken up about killing the different animals and people, but she never seemed to try and stop herself. I think it would have been better if she had tried harder to stop the killing.

Next, I personally loved the Last Centurion theme to Greyson – how he waited hundreds of years for Ava, his one love. I think you presented his romantic ways quite well, and especially when presenting how he questioned his beliefs in destiny. Unfortunately, I feel that Greyson was, like Ava, a little unrealistic. Only because I couldn’t bring myself to believe the bond he felt to her. The bond he’s supposed to have reminds me of the Eminem quote: “Have you ever loved someone so much, you’d give an arm for them? Not the expression, no, literally give an arm for them.” That’s what I imagine the bond to be, yet I didn’t quite feel it.

I could believe her pull to him and his pull to her, but the all-consuming, “she’s my everything the moment I see her” passion I just didn’t believe. Now that could simply be my disbelief in love at first sight and have nothing at all to do with your writing, but as a writer your goal is to change beliefs like that, even if only for the moments that I’m reading. You want to make your reader cry, laugh, and scream bloody murder. And with experience, you’ll learn how to portray the extremely powerful emotions.

If I had any homework to suggest for you, it would be to read how others portray the love at first sight theme. Everyone has a different technique. By reading what others do, you can learn a lot about your own writing and can learn to view themes and thoughts differently than you normally do.

Also, I felt that Greyson was a lot like Ava in the fact that he only had the flaws she had (the, once-upon-a-time, distrusting, black-out flaw). I feel that he should have had a flaw that had nothing to do with Ava. You gave him a lot of problems in paying attention or keeping focused when she was concerned, but he never had his own personal flaws. I always like seeing a flaw in a character. It makes them real. And it makes every emotion they have 10 times stronger.

Speaking of emotions, that chapter with Greyson admitting to killing Ava was so powerful. As a reader, I saw it coming, but you managed to portray it in a way that my heart felt wrenched out of my chest for both characters. THAT is what you want your readers feeling and THAT is what you got out of me. Fantastic!

As another bit of homework, I would suggest checking out this link. It’s to a Youtube video from a favorite show of mine, Torchwood. In the video, it shows Owen (the guy) about to die and his rampage over dying, Tosh (the girl who is in love with him) crying about his death, and their talking as both are about to die about their inability to ever get together. Tosh cries when Owen is ranting and says “Please Stop…Because you’re breaking my heart.” While that does not fit for this story of yours, it does offer what I think you should be looking at with everything you read – a new way of writing the same thing. I think finding and utilizing variations like that would make you an extremely well-rounded writer.

Finally, my favorite and least favorite character: Logan. He was perfect to me as a character. I believed every word he said and every emotion he felt. I could believe the rage, the jealousy, the fear…everything. He was perfect. I hated him, but I loved that I hated him, because I knew you were writing him correctly. The only possible suggestion I could offer in regards to him would be to make a chapter just about Ava being with him while she knew Greyson. Most of your chapters were boom-boom-boom action. Your readers had no break to recuperate and consider what was happening in the story. A break chapter with Ava and Logan would be a big relief to your readers. We’ll complain and complain about there not being enough action or enough Greyson, but every novel needs that. It makes readers cherish the action and cherish the characters more when we don’t get them.

Imagine it like this. Imagine that I held a slice of cake out in front of someone. Without it there at all, they wouldn’t think about it. With it there while they have it in unlimited supply, they don’t care about it. With it there out of their grasp unable to be eaten, they’ll be fighting tooth and nail for it and they will cherish every bite when they get it. Make your characters like that. Give your readers amazing characters and then give them a chapter without those characters. A chapter without Greyson would make your readers appreciate him all the more.

And finally, we come to our last character that I feel needs talking about: Lucian. He was a nasty character. Unlike Logan where I could comprehend the spiteful and jealous feelings out of love for Ava, I couldn’t comprehend Lucian’s. That’s not to say I couldn’t believe – because I could – but he was a twisted character that gave me chills to read about specifically because nothing he did fit in my understanding of what normal people do. That’s perfect! If he had been in love with Ava like Logan it would have been boring to have a “repeat offender”. The way you wrote it, he just wanted her power and he did creepy things to try and get it. That’s great; two “bad” guys with two different plots in one story is wonderful so long as they aren’t doing it for the same reason. I’m so proud that you didn’t follow in most writers’ footsteps. Thank you.

Now, it is onto the backdrop discussion – the setting, the unwritten prequel to the story, and the point of view. Of course, there is more than those, but I’m only focusing on those aspects.

For setting, I think you have a very good plan in mind. You know where you want certain things to be before you even start writing. That’s great. The worst thing you can have is a writer who doesn’t know what they want. When they don’t, the readers don’t know – but you knew! The only suggestion I can offer is to use connotative word choice. For instance, if you’re writing about a canopy and how it covers like an umbrella, your readers will get an image in mind of an actual umbrella. They’ll have a picture in their heads; as well, they’ll have connotative thoughts that fit an umbrella – cozy, protective, safe – and they’ll believe that the canopy is a safe haven without you saying so.

For instance, if you take the quote from Grey Wolf Mountain Chapter 4, it says “One side held several log cabins that looked well lived in with happy families…” Log cabins usually remind people of warmth and cozy summer nights. Already, people like the idea of a log cabin. Instead of her saying it looked well lived in, it’d be better to talk about children giggling as they ran across a bright green lawn that was situated in front of the cabins. Paint the reader a picture. Don’t tell them what’s there, show them.

(Focusing on how writers paint pictures in their writing would be another good homework assignment for you)

The physical world should have emotion but on the other side of that, the emotional world should have a physical feeling. When a character is having an extremely emotional feeling – such as when Greyson sees Ava for the first time – they should feel a physical pain as well. Don’t just explain that Greyson felt in love and his heart beat fast; tell the reader Greyson’s heart stopped altogether and breathing became inconsequential to taking in every aspect of this love of his life. That sort of powerful emotional, physical feeling is better than any “I got butterflies” story you could tell us. If you say his hearts stop, my heart stops. That’s what you want.

When it comes to the unwritten prequel, what I mean is all of the stuff that happened before the actual events of the story – such as the life she had with Kelly and her family before she turned and even in the three years after she did. Those sort of things aren’t spelled out in the story (they shouldn’t be), but if they’re going to be brought up, they need to be realistic. It goes back to the idea of telling versus showing. Ava can tell Greyson that Kelly had a lot of boyfriends in school and would make out with them in Ava’s presence, or she can tell him one specific instance that Kelly’s love life affected her. I remember, as a memory of my own, having a friend like Kelly and bringing a squirt bottle to school one day to squirt water at her and her boyfriend if they ever started making out while I was around. Something pinpointed like that shows a healthy relationship between the two, but also gives you a great image into both characters and their personalities – beyond “Kelly dated a lot.”

Same goes for the parents. Don’t say they were helpful. Explain an instance that was helpful. The rest will fall into place.

Finally, a thing I really focused on was your point of view in writing. You would revolve thoughts and feelings around Ava, then Logan, then Greyson, and then back to Ava. I liked it. I get so tired of writers always writing in first person and never changing it up. You did the exact opposite. You wrote in third person and you gave us the viewpoints of everybody. Marvelous. Simply marvelous. I could believe all of the different personalities and yet you still offered the same author’s voice for all of them. Many people will change everything about their writing style when they shift the focus on characters. You didn’t. Consider me impressed.

One final thing I would suggest with your point of views would be to give your readers all four ways of reading a character – from what others say or think about them, from what the character says, from what the character thinks, and from what the character feels. Each will be different. I don’t say everything I’m thinking and I especially don’t own up to everything I’m feeling. Characters are the same way. If you’re able to change between characters like you do, you should be able to offer all four ways of viewing each character as well.

Overall, I think you have a lot of talent and you have a great future ahead of you in this field, if you choose to strive for it. I love that you’re getting advice and encouragement by writing online, but please don’t forget that there is a world of publishing beyond the web. When you feel that online work has given you enough practice to go to a publishing company, don’t hold yourself back from doing so. Don’t get so comfortable online that you won’t step away from it. Sometimes you’ve just got to take the dive and plan to land, one way or another. Believe in yourself; that’s the true difference between those who write and those who want to write. You have the talent to write. Your question will be if you have the initiative.

Good luck in everything you do and I hope to all that is holy that I don’t have this long of an essay after finishing your next book. I probably will, though. Get ready.

- Glissa

P.S. THANK YOU for not making it a happy ending. I’m so sick of sappy endings where everyone important ends up perfect and walk off into the sunset. This way was much better

Just a warning, I haven't finished readying GWM yet, so my critique is not ready. However, as a funny comment, I just read the abbreviation for the next book (OTOOM) and I think it should be OTOOMan. Because then, if you say it aloud it's Ooh-Too-Man which when I say really fast sounds like "Who Da Man". And it makes me happy :)

atelphobia.:

I love you for starting this story.
I hate you for killing Greyson.
I love you for having an excellent mind!

More love than hate, I'm good :)
Love you too!
Sunny-Lee <3

I love you for starting this story.
I hate you for killing Greyson.
I love you for having an excellent mind!

I'm so sad to see the story end but i think it ended good :)

MarriahShadows:

So it took more than a couple of days... I suck. ;)

Anyway, as you already know I needed some time to come to terms with how I was feeling and thinking after I read the epilogue.

I think my relief stems from the fact that I know there's going to be a sequel, that I get to spend some more time with your characters, and from the direction of Ava's choices, get to meet some new characters. And I can't wait to start reading the sequel as well. I'm seriously impatient for it, and you already know how hard it is for me to lose my patience over anything. That being said, I will try and be as patient as possible for you to start posting OTOOM. (Which I hope is relatively soon-ish.)

I was going to reread this whole story before commenting, but realized that I didn't have to because the whole thing is still pretty fresh in my mind.

Now onto the actual comment.

I'm glad that you included paragraphs two and three, it lets us readers know that there will be no replacement for Grey in Ava's romantic life. And I'm equally glad that the baby is fine. I have to admit that I wasn't surprised when Ava decided to step down and away from the pack and away from the wolf community in general. It seems like the natural step she would take.

Due to comments that I've written in the past, I thought I would have a lot more to say in this final comment for GWM, but I really don't. I just have two words left for you about this story: Fucking perfection.

I plan to post OTOOM around May 15th-ish. Hopefully. But I just got some new additions to my work load this summer, so we'll see... I'm on chapter 4, which is unfortunate, but I think my writer's block is SLOWLY going away. So yay! :D

I never really thought of paragraph 2 and three as important, but yeah... they kind of are. lol.

Agreed about Ava stepping down as Alpha. Although she is powerful and doesn't have a problem taking charge, that isn't the life for her.

:) I love you.

Sunny-Lee <3

So it took more than a couple of days... I suck. ;)

Anyway, as you already know I needed some time to come to terms with how I was feeling and thinking after I read the epilogue.

I think my relief stems from the fact that I know there's going to be a sequel, that I get to spend some more time with your characters, and from the direction of Ava's choices, get to meet some new characters. And I can't wait to start reading the sequel as well. I'm seriously impatient for it, and you already know how hard it is for me to lose my patience over anything. That being said, I will try and be as patient as possible for you to start posting OTOOM. (Which I hope is relatively soon-ish.)

I was going to reread this whole story before commenting, but realized that I didn't have to because the whole thing is still pretty fresh in my mind.

Now onto the actual comment.

I'm glad that you included paragraphs two and three, it lets us readers know that there will be no replacement for Grey in Ava's romantic life. And I'm equally glad that the baby is fine. I have to admit that I wasn't surprised when Ava decided to step down and away from the pack and away from the wolf community in general. It seems like the natural step she would take.

Due to comments that I've written in the past, I thought I would have a lot more to say in this final comment for GWM, but I really don't. I just have two words left for you about this story: Fucking perfection.

Andreussita1990!:

Great story, hope to hear more this, if you do a sequel!!

You're in luck. I am doing a sequel :D
Sunny-Lee <3